on verge of divorce -- what can I say I expect of my BPD spouse?

[FirstSteps]

So my wife and I are on the verge of divorce, and I just came out of a completely mind bending conversation that ruined my work day.  The one thing that was very legit was the fact that I have had a very hard time telling her what I actually need.  Of course, she will occasionally ask this, ignore or not respect the answer and then hold it against me as an aggression when it all goes to hell the next time.

But that aside, I am trying to own it - I have been bad at this.  I definitely have created issues by being codependent.  And she deserves to hear from me. But all my needs seem directly aimed at her BPD.  I want to feel emotional safe.  I need more time and space.  I need predictability.  I need her to respect my boundaries. 

Maybe I'm answering my own question - and we need to divorce.  My therapist sure thinks so.  But I also wasn't ready to make that call yet.  And I know that she is goading me into saying I want a divorce (by repeating it over and over on her end) and then blaming me for leaving because she was doing the goading all out of love somehow.

And I'm wondering how everyone here who seems to be consciously staying with a BPD spouse handles this.  Are the yelling or manipulation just not core issues (if they yell and manipulate)?  I'm just not able to compartmentalize it anymore.  And I can't come up with more "regular" needs for the relationship. 
 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

In essence, you *need* a healthier relationship.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

Your wife having BPD is unlikely to understand or be able to demonstrate healthy behaviors. Think of it as being in a relationship with an emotionally disabled person.

And you, as a codependent, have your own disability. That you can acknowledge this, is a very good step and you can work at providing yourself with the support you need, whether through reading, working with your therapist, or doing group support such as CODA (codependents anonymous).

And boundaries are about what you are willing or not willing to do. She doesn’t need to agree or respect them, it’s all about you.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[zachira]

I highly recommend reading "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

[FirstSteps]

Thanks!  I think I really struggle with the concept of being married to someone with an emotional disability, as true as that clearly is.  I'm sure much of that struggle has to do with my own issues and really being disappointed someone can't fulfill my needs, when it's really me who needs to fulfill my needs (on the most basic levels).  And thanks for the book recommendation!