Hamartia

[judee]

I am drinking coffee, contemplating, trying to process my relationship with my ex.
it was so immensely intense, I feel right now I am getting through the day with these heavy balls and chains on my feet.
We were almost married.. and tbh if he would be at my door right now asking I would say yes. I have had a couple of really long relationships in my life yet he is the only one I would have fullmouthedly have said yes to.
Weird , since I am the one who left. apparently my heart still believes he is my true love.
I broke the relationship the 11th of nov  because of the conflicted state we landed in and my fear of his diagnosis (BPD). In our relationship i landed in a constant state of anxiety, afraid of him getting angry, afraid of unpredictibility, I lost trust.
He had severe fear of abandonment, uncontrolled anger. Suicidal thoughts. He was on antidepressants and in therapy. I had to learn about object constancy. Overenmeshment was a problem in more areas of his life... even though I liked it in the beginning, it soon turned against me when he would feel rejected ( that would turn into anger) when I did or decided minor things on my own.

He said I held his diagnosis over his head like a noose .. and that I blamed BPD for the fact I couldn't trust him. because he worked really hard on himself.
I still feel really confused about this. Part of me feels he is right. I did do that.
Not because I wanted to point fingers at him but because I was terrified, I felt I was constantly walking around not knowing what to expect, loving him to bits. I really tried. I tried to trust him. But I failed. I had to leave because staying in this constant merry go round of me being afraid actually triggering his BPD , which triggered my fear more, which triggered his BPD even more, was just unbearable.

Since, I am hardly productive. I am getting up, getting dressed, eating healthy, excersizing and seeing friends. I feel loved by my friends and family and calm but I miss him so much. His voice, his eyes, hugging him in the middle of the night. Our unimaginable talks.
I traded the anxiety and constantly walking on eggshells for grief.. sometimes I don't know which one is better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[15years]

I think the anxiety and walking on eggshells is the worst alternative, but I haven't experienced your situation. I stay wondering if I could maybe change the relationship from within but get extreme criticism for my efforts to change it, even though I understand that it gets worse before it gets better. But I loose trust in myself and I'm not sure she's wrong when she says I'm a coward for trying to set boundaries.

[Cat Familiar]

Grief will subside. BPD won’t.

If you’re rethinking the decision you so carefully made a few months ago, read some of the stories on the Detaching Board.

There’s a reason we fell for someone with a personality disorder and often it is because someone in our family of origin had one and our romantic partner felt like *family*. Could this be true of you?

[judee]

Thank you... you are right about the grief.
I just wonder, I read on this board often ' If the pwbpd refuses to get help'.. or ' talk to them about getting help'.
Does anyone think bpd can actually get better with help?
When my ex said he was diagnosed with BPD and that he was in therapy twice a week.. it made me on one hand think: 'then it must be quite severe'. On another hand I thought 'good he is getting help.'
I don't know how he was before medication&therapy but the way he interacted with me ( and other people around him, I was so often astounded at what he would get upset about)  made me think if that was of any use at all. Any thoughts anyone?

You are right about the family member recognition.. I told him from the day we met he reminded me of my mother.
I don't think my mother had BPD but she was emotionally and physically absent. when she was there, she gave a lot of love. I was never beaten or yelled at. But when she wanted to go, she left  and I never knew when she would come back ( or where she went). sometimes I was alone for days ( my parents got divorced when I was three, I stayed with my mother)
Hence the fact I got independent at a very young age and can tend to pick men who aren't reliable and can't be there for me.

[Cat Familiar]

Some people with BPD get better with therapy. Usually DBT therapy offers the best hope for improvement.

The difficulty people with BPD have regarding therapy is that they need to confront things about themselves that are painful. Since BPD is a shame-based disorder, this proves too daunting for many. In addition, therapy is not a quick fix for BPD. It typically takes YEARS of commitment for major improvement, something that most people with BPD are unwilling to engage in.

I would suggest you begin therapy. Even therapists who treat people with BPD will do therapy, since their clients can be so exhausting. In addition, you developed a very strong sense of independence which certainly has been a strength for you, but the origin of that was through abandonment as a young child. This would be a key area for you to work with a therapist. You could discover why you tolerate relationships with men who are unreliable.

[judee]

Shame based... I am still trying to wrap my head around that.
My ex was so vulnerable.. anything that happened to me made him filled with shame and guilt .
it made him feel like it was his fault or he caused that. Subsequently he would get upset and controlling towards me ( or someone else)  'fixing' that.
I tried to go out of my way to get these thoughts out of his head but it never seemed to help.
For example if got sick, he felt like he was at fault. He said that maybe deep down my body was rejecting him.
He was saying every day he was afraid he was smothering me. I never felt such a thing, I was just astounded he would feel so bad about himself, like he was a burden that should be punished or something.
it made me think of something I once read about a 'narcissistic phase' toddlers go through, thinking everything revolves around them. It is a normal phase but it also involves thinking it is their fault when something bad happens ( f.e when its parents get divorced)
I felt like my ex was sort of 'stuck' in that phase.
I couldn't so much tell him a problem without him getting over enmeshed and feeling like he was the shameful cause.
He was lucky I was aware of that and am not a manipulative person, the shame and guilt just made him so vulnerable. I just feel bad I couldn't help him to see how I saw him.
And it also made me a  fearful because I knew that when he would run out of self blame, It would turn to me ( in situations when there is absolutely no-one to blame )