When is enough enough? What was the last straw? Or the clincher to stay?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Many people feel they have to forgive.  But Gemsforeyes makes an astute observation.  There are times forgiving is something a person cannot or should not do.  However, what a person almost always can do is Let Go.

I recall meeting ex's step-sister who had run away at age 16 and never returned.  Her father was dying and he expressed some deathbed sorrows.  She came to tell him he was forgiven for his abuse when she was a child.  I tried to tell her forgiving him for his abuse was not her obligation but I don't think she understood my perspective.

I understand your perspective (I think). Where am at right now with my wife is that I forgive her as a person, but not her actions, and forgiveness doesn't equate to condoning her actions. Some actions are so heinous, I feel, that they are unforgivable.

I am not angry with her, but I also don't trust her until she shows me that she can be trusted again.

[WhatToDo47]

Many people feel they have to forgive.  But Gemsforeyes makes an astute observation.  There are times forgiving is something a person cannot or should not do.  However, what a person almost always can do is Let Go.

I recall meeting ex's step-sister who had run away at age 16 and never returned.  Her father was dying and he expressed some deathbed sorrows.  She came to tell him he was forgiven for his abuse when she was a child.  I tried to tell her forgiving him for his abuse was not her obligation but I don't think she understood my perspective.

I understand your perspective (I think). Where am at right now with my wife is that I forgive her as a person, but not her actions, and forgiveness doesn't equate to condoning her actions. Some actions are so heinous, I feel, that they are unforgivable.

I am not angry with her, but I also don't trust her until she shows me that she can be trusted again.

[chinchilla_dad]

All good information here, I have absolutely forgiven My stb-ex-BPDw.  In my mind What she's doing Is a defense mechanism.  I was with her for 10 years and I knew her for an additional two And never once Saw her do anything malicious.  However that doesn't mean she wasn't extremely destructive To herself and everyone around her and will always continue to be that way.  If she ever does contact me again I will absolutely never trust her in any capacity but encourage her to seek help.  Forgiving her is for me not her.

forgiveness is free, trust is earned.   and toxic and dangerous yes, but not deliberately so.  At least that is how i see it.

[WhatToDo47]

All good information here, I have absolutely forgiven My stb-ex-BPDw.  In my mind What she's doing Is a defense mechanism.  I was with her for 10 years and I knew her for an additional two And never once Saw her do anything malicious.  However that doesn't mean she wasn't extremely destructive To herself and everyone around her and will always continue to be that way.  If she ever does contact me again I will absolutely never trust her in any capacity but encourage her to seek help.  Forgiving her is for me not her.

forgiveness is free, trust is earned.   and toxic and dangerous yes, but not deliberately so.  At least that is how i see it.

I think this sums it up perfectly. I am beginning to think my wife is exactly the same way. I also think that's why I've accepted her apologies so many times, why she gets so many jobs, etc. Because when she says she's sorry and didn't mean to hurt anyone, she didn't. But she also simply can't comprehend how her selfish and chaotic acting out hurts others. She just doesn't have sympathy or the ability to self-reflect. Even now, as I think she's trying to charm me for a re-cycle, she is saying she's sorry she left but it's because she was hurt. Asking why do I sound sad, why is my family upset with her etc etc. She doesn't understand that her actions harm others. It's really sad to watch.

Trust is earned, like you said.