Lost in BPD relationship, learning to deal with it.

[Stones]

Hi,

I am married 28 years, have 2 adult children, and now live alone with my wife. Things have been going downhill for a while I guess but more in the last 8 years or so and picking up speed.

I did not know that my wife was BPD/NPD, but I do now. I struggle with the logic of it, that she can act a totally different way with me than when we are around others. How to deal with the episodes that occur and how to cope with the frustration and helpless feelings I get.

I think that her dad had BPD too, he would react with flashes of anger and yelling for what seemed like no reason at all or at least very disproportionate to the situation.

I have tried to talk to my wife about what her dad had done and that I see her doing the same. I can remember having discussions about it with her when we were younger back when we could have conversations about such things. Now we can't, all she hears I think is blame or shame and will lash out.

I have read, "Stop walking on eggshells" which is how I found this site. I am hopeful that it will help but I have to be honest, I am not real hopeful. I am at a point where I will just shutdown or not know how to respond and so just don't. I used to defend myself, I learned that was useless and after having some therapy I have learned to take better care of myself. But I am still learning and would like to master some tools to help more. I read several other books like, "Nonviolent communication" and the one I thought was better was "The art of nonviolent communication". That one was more straight-forward to me. I wish they were a cure all, but they are not.

Struggling still. I think that there is distance now between my wife and I. I wonder if we will be able to get back to where we used to be, without me being a doormat.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

  Welcome. We’ve all been through the wringer with our BPD partners and understand how exhausting it can be. That said, there is hope for a brighter future. Check out the TOOLS at the top of the page and let us know more of your story.