BPD Mother and Will I ever grow up?

[CryingGame]

Hello,
Reading Walking on Eggshells to try to understand my Mum and wonder if I am BPD myself. It's been hard but more so when I was younger.

I am in a lot of psychic pain. Feeling very hopeless. How to talk about it here, in this void that is unknown to me?

My mother has severed our relationship several times and may be doing it again. I don't want to type out the drama ... but how I feel is becoming my drama. I have had so many days and years of depression and feeling abandoned by my mother ... and just had 3 yrs with her like she was my best friend. But then I said something to her and she told me that anything I need to say from now on should be in email so she can keep track of the lies and accusations if she needs to. Funny that there's a chapter in the book about lies and accusations. Funny not funny.

I'm soo so so tired. So tired from feeling like I'm being scapegoated and blamed for her intense pain of being alive. So tired of walking around in the world as a wounded child. I have been in and am in recovery for that little girl. But I guess this latest exchange triggered her so much that I'm back there ... where I grew up. I smoked cigarettes from age 12 and acted out in many other ways for a few decades ... finally about 20 yrs ago my life settled down more.

But with some cruel words from her I am back in that state of victim I guess. Regressed. So I'm in a lot of pain for 3 days now since "it" happened again ... that I was told I caused her huge awful pain, that I devastated her with my words. I was not mean, I did not yell, in my opinion and memory I never had. I stated a few ways I felt affected by her, but gently and lightly and about the past, about my childhood. I've been crying a lot and feel very depressed. My God it hurts so much to be abandoned by my mother.

I feel so broken. Reading the symptoms, I have some, intense fear of abandonment, intense feelings, mood disorder, eating disorder among other things. But I do have successful long term relationships and can function in life, woo hoo! NOT feeling functional right now.

Anyway, I've just come out of a period of great difficulty in the last few years and have been doing well and don't want a set back. I feel so much grief right now. Perhaps I'm an idealist, but feel I'll never get over the pain I feel about my family I grew up with.

I hope this isn't too much. I haven't even read on the site yet and must go to sleep but I'll check back in soon. Thank you for reading.

[Goldcrest]

Hey CryingGame, I am so sorry for what you are going through, for how your mum is treating you. I can relate to how you can be flipped from a place of things being okay in your life, to a state of feeling like a victim and very emotionally dysregulated when your mother cuts you off or is cruel. I am nearly 50 and only in the last few years really coming to terms with the hold my own mother can have over my mood and outlook.

I'm soo so so tired. So tired from feeling like I'm being scapegoated and blamed for her intense pain of being alive. So tired of walking around in the world as a wounded child. I have been in and am in recovery for that little girl. But I guess this latest exchange triggered her so much that I'm back there ... where I grew up. I smoked cigarettes from age 12 and acted out in many other ways for a few decades ... finally about 20 yrs ago my life settled down more.

I hear you. It can feel so devastating when the rug gets pulled from under your feet. I too have questioned my own mental health and believe I had BPD traits when I was a young woman. I think when you grow up in such chaos and not being allowed to separate or individuate you are going to come out of it with a poorly formed sense of self. We had the worst role models for mothers. No wonder you fear abandonment when your mother will abandon you without warning.

Anyway, I've just come out of a period of great difficulty in the last few years and have been doing well and don't want a set back. I feel so much grief right now. Perhaps I'm an idealist, but feel I'll never get over the pain I feel about my family I grew up with.

You have been doing well and you will do well again. You are here seeking support which is a huge positive. Some more lovely folk will be along soon to offer more thoughts and kindness. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome CryingGame,

I'm so glad you found us and have joined our online family. We definitely understand what you're going through. I want to join  Goldcrest in encouraging you and offering listening ears.

I know that when an 'event' such as what you're going through right now happens, it does indeed catapult us right back to how we felt as a child. Please know that the intensity of what you are feeling will ease up in a few days. Those big triggers will often last for between 24-72 hours and then your rational brain will begin to re emerge. So hold on and give yourself extra kindness and care as you begin to settle. I have often been where you are as I heal from my uBPDm.

Looking forward to walking alongside you.

 
Wools

[CryingGame]

Wools and Goldcrest, thank you so very much for your replies. Yes, who wouldn't fear abandonment when they have an abandoning mother?

Well, this evening will be 72 hours so it would be awesome to see my brain calm down. I am giving myself space to sort of be sick, to check out when I'm not at work, to rest, to not put pressure on myself.

Thanks again!
hmmmm, maybe I want to rethink my handle, cryinggame is not pleasant!

[IsThisRealLife?]

But with some cruel words from her I am back in that state of victim I guess. Regressed. So I'm in a lot of pain for 3 days now since "it" happened again ... that I was told I caused her huge awful pain, that I devastated her with my words. I was not mean, I did not yell, in my opinion and memory I never had. I stated a few ways I felt affected by her, but gently and lightly and about the past, about my childhood.

I feel your pain on this one, CryingGame. My mom tells me that the things I’ve said to her in the past were meant to hurt her and that only an evil and mean person would say those things. No matter how many times I try to tell her that I didn’t mean to hurt her, she never accepts my apologize. The thing that has helped me a lot in dealing with her is through therapy. My therapist told me something that I repeat over and over when I listen to Mom yelling, “I am not responsible for my mom’s happiness.” Our moms are not happy with their own lives, and they take it out on us, especially when we choose to spend time with others rather than deal with their drama. It’s easy enough to say, “Don’t let it bother you,” but it’s not realistic. They are still our moms. It just gets a little easier each day.

[CryingGame]

Hi Real Life, thanks for your reply. Being yelled at is really awful and by your mother, the worst. I'm glad we're both here to separate ourselves from the effects of their illness and behavior. I have to say I grow weary of it all. Trying to focus on the good in my life. I cannot change her. I'm sorry your Mum is the same and blames you. Being blamed is really a terrible feeling.