A few thoughts

[AnaisNin]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post that I found a website (national education alliance for borderline personality disorder) which has some excellent resources- even videos and webinars and free classes.

I am finding the most frustrating thing with BPD is that these people are capable of changing and making their lives better, but many choose not to. It's different than other mental illness- people with schizophrenia can't really make their illness go away, people with bipolar can certainly learn some ways to cope but ultimately it won't go away. But people with BPD COULD learn skills and do therapy and ultimately go into remission.

Also, I know there are many threads about how general couples counseling could be a bad thing and I have to agree. My husband agreed to couples counseling so I sought out someone who could work with us on "emotional regulation"-mainly using the feelings wheel to fill in the blanks like...when you do ____I feel _____because____. This was working for a while, until my husband went into his usual pattern of rage when all of a sudden the counselor was taking my side and painting me as evil and splitting. So yes, ultimately I do believe DBT is the only therapy for BPD.

I have been desperate to hang on to my husband and i've given him too much grace, but I'm ready to start to hold him responsible. This site has helped me learn to set limits such as..

If you continue to snarl at me, I am leaving
I want to listen to how you feel, but you'll have to tell me without swearing or calling me names
I also finally was able to say that...if he needs a break and wants to flee and have a night or 2 away, he needs to explain that to me, and return home at a designated time. However, if he impulsively packs his bags and leaves in a rampage and blocks me, he will not be able to return to my house.

I still have work to do, but I'm not feeling as desperate to hold on to him at the expense of my own well being.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you’re making some good progress. 

How he responds to that is completely up to him.

What I’ve noticed is that the more we “nons” value ourselves, and expect to be treated in a respectful and kind manner, the more likely it is to happen. Or if not, then we have the information we need to make other plans.