Emotionally, today was like 100% sunshine with cold rain... It was weird day

[DogMom2019]

When you finally had the resolve that your pwBPD can't change the core of who they are and you are exhausted... What did you do next? In speaking with my therapist today, we've uncovered some things and I've gained insight on my behavior and it is starting to sink in that my spouse can not change the core of who she is (reading all of your stories and replies have helped tremendously... SO Thanks!) But I am now left with this weird feeling... I still absolutely love her, but working the tools all day everyday seem like more than I can do right now, I'm exhausted from the 5 month rollercoaster we have been on, and the thought of being with someone who will allow space for me to human is like looking for the North Star (it's bright as day and there to light my path). I want to be with her, I truly do, but a healthier version of her. A version that will work on herself, actually just a version that will acknowledge that there is something wrong.

It was just a weird day where I received validation from my therapist without prompt, my spouse started reaching out to me to let me know that she was okay but also that we haven't talked and married people don't act like this, my peer support buddy acknowledged that carrying this around must be heavy, and then the recent replies I've received on the forum. I'm happy to know I'm not crazy but sad to know that my marriage will never be a normal one (that is if my spouse is not serious about these divorce threats).

Emotionally, today for me was lots of sunshine with cold rain... It's just a weird day.

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[khibomsis]

Dogmom, I am sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. What you need is radical acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0
It is never a good idea to be in a relationship trying to change your partner, BPD or not. That approach will lead straight to unhappiness. She is what she is. Anosognosia is a b-tch, yes, it is the road to paranoia and really hard to live with. What this reasoning has done for me is to change the way I think about myself, these days I search for my blind spots while I work at accepting that I cannot change her, only the way I relate to her.
I have learnt to never broach the subject of our relationship status while she is dysregulated. It is fatal.  Should she start talking about breaking up I put the responsibility for action firmly on her "I am sorry to hear you are not happy with us, what are you going to do about X?" The idea is to not take responsibility for her emotional state. You can only be responsible for your own. My pwBPD has not done it for ages, and I think that it has a lot to do with my consistent response. Long on talk and short on action is what they are and if you let the talk roll off you like water on a duck's back it is rare they follow through with action.
Not easy I know. But really, all you can do is provide yourself with an umbrella. Set boundaries between you and the rain. She will  fight the Anosognosia or not, get herself into treatment or not. The only thing you can do to support a positive outcome is to take care of yourself.

[thankful person]

Hi dog mom, I understand it is a very daunting thing to come to terms with. I was at my wits end when I joined here. But I wanted to let you know, little by little, things have got easier and calmer between my wife and I. And it is only me doing the work and she doesn’t know about it. As time has gone on my wife has become more supportive of me making changes and my own decisions. She will always put herself first (even before the children sometimes). She will never be able to reason like a normal person and if she doesn’t understand why I’m upset then she isn’t going to. She will always get angry and irritable but if I deal with it better as I’ve learnt to it isn’t nearly as bad and she moves on much quicker. I just wanted to say, hang in there. We are here if you want to chat. There are so many amazing people here that know a lot more than I do, but I’m learning from them. All the best.

[DogMom2019]

I have learnt to never broach the subject of our relationship status while she is dysregulated. It is fatal.  Should she start talking about breaking up I put the responsibility for action firmly on her "I am sorry to hear you are not happy with us, what are you going to do about X?" The idea is to not take responsibility for her emotional state. You can only be responsible for your own.

Not easy I know. But really, all you can do is provide yourself with an umbrella. Set boundaries between you and the rain. She will  fight the Anosognosia or not, get herself into treatment or not. The only thing you can do to support a positive outcome is to take care of yourself.

khibomsis... It has been tough. For the 7 years we've been together and 5 married, she cycles every Sept-Jan with these threats of divorce and EVERY year I go chasing and talking her off the "divorce ledge." Over the last 5 months, I been reminding her that I love her, this separation is only temporary, and just losing my self-respect begging. I read on here one day to stop chasing her and her ideas and just stand still. I have been doing that for a week now. I will not talk about our marriage or splitting up property... I like your statement. I must admit that I am fearful that if I end the question like you suggest, it'll go right back into more divorce talk, and right now I can't handle that. And she has been dysregulated since we haven't been able to live together (temporary military separation)... We still have another 5 months to go. The "out of sight out of mind" is also working against us. Any suggestions

[khibomsis]

Dogmom, I hear you. Maybe if you share a little more detail? If you get into a bit more of the 'She said',' and then I said', we can drill down into the detail of where exactly it goes off the rails?
We got your back.
On the brighter side she should be emerging from her annual cycle right about now so there is hope.
 

[DogMom2019]

Dogmom, I hear you. Maybe if you share a little more detail? If you get into a bit more of the 'She said',' and then I said', we can drill down into the detail of where exactly it goes off the rails?
We got your back.
On the brighter side she should be emerging from her annual cycle right about now so there is hope.
 

So for Christmas, we agreed that I would video call her so she could see the dogs. Christmas rolls around and I call her twice and texted her twice, nothing. After calming myself down for a few days, I sent her a message saying that I needed to pull myself back for a while until I feel respected that she would answer and hold up to her word. She responded back with "I am glad that we are both in the same space with all of this we can just move on and divorce." Well, I cried (I just don't understand how she can be so cold) took a deep breath, and replied that those were her feelings of separating, that she was creating these issues, and that I love her "always have and always will." She did not respond. The next day she called me and wanted to talk as if nothing happened.

She has told me that she realizes that she can't be in a long distance relationship and that every time she thinks about me, she just feels hurt and can't go back to that. But the moment I pull away to protect myself... She revs it up. I had made it a point to call her on the same day for weeks (I think I read pwBPD need consistency)... The one week I did not because she wanted to talk about separating finances and going to the attorney, she lost it. She called me several times a day, texting, emailing, calling my family, leaving voicemails... All under the excuse of "I just want to know you are okay" for 10 days straight. Since we've been apart, she hasn't put that much effort into "us." SO it was kind of a slap in face that she is capable. 

More recently, we were talking and she told me how she didn't want to feel like she abandon me and the dogs so she was going to send me money every month "because although this divorce is still happening we are still married." (this was after she told me in Dec that she was cutting off financial support because she is no longer responsible for me). This was the first time that she mentioned us being married since Aug... THE FIRST TIME! It's been me reminding her that we are married.

She won't video call me because the last 2 times she did, I made mention of her smile, how much I missed her, and how it had been a while since she looked at me like she did. Wrong thing, since then, she is adamant about not using video. She won't even watch the video messages that I send her. I don't get it.

You are right, this is the time of year that she is supposed to come out of the dysregulation; however, I fear this is different because 1) I'm not there and won't be until June and 2) she's told all of her family and friends that we are getting a divorce. I think she hold that last 1 to a higher esteem that anything, she'd rather hurt me than look bad to them.

My apologies... I am rambling now. Thanks for responding!

[khibomsis]

Dogmom, that is a real tough situation to be in. To be honest, it sounds to me like you are reaching out maybe too much? She knows you don't want a divorce. Yet when you withdraw she chases you. It would appear she gets some kind of emotional payoff from connecting with you while talking about divorce. This often happens with pwBPD, they discharge their negative energy all over you. They feel better. You feel worse.
Something that might help in this situation is to grayrock it. It really doesn't seem as if there is anything constructive to be won by talking about divorce. Try checking in with her once in a while, maybe not as often as you have in the past, and talk about neutral topics. Should she get abusive, back off, and next time leave a longer interval before contacting her. If she is pleasant, enjoy it for what it is but don't try to look for anything deeper. Keep it light. The idea is to begin to reduce the emotional payoff for her. If there is no drama, perhaps she may remember what she loves you for. If not, at least you won't be left spending the rest of the day trying to recover. You get to have a life.
The bottom line is that until she is in therapy also the prognosis is not good. Grayrock gives you a chance, at least, to get on an even keel and stop the bleeding. From there you may perhaps be able to think if this is enough for you.