I dated someone who never existed

[mainecoon]

Hey.
I'm new here.
I write here because two days ago my partner broke up with me, for me out of nowhere. And although I start to understand that he has a BPD, I still grieve about the person I thought he was and the future I thought awaited me.

We've been dating for four months and met on an online dating app.
Just after one day he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and wanted to fly to a wedding of his friends in the Caribbean three months in the future, after two weeks he told me he loved me, after four he was talking about moving in with me, after six about getting engaged later this year, after eight we got a dog.

Sure, I was surprised about the speed, but also I was craving this kind of strong connection and intimacy, since I myself am in therapy because of attachment issues and a depressive episode that happened two years ago after a break up.

Still it was all great, we went to the wedding and my parents met his parents. We even chose engagement rings for each other already and planned moving in together.
He recently moved to my city from another city in my country. Prior to this he had moved to this country within one week (from the thought to execution) two years ago with no job, no flat and no knowledge of the country's language. Bold. Maybe the first , but since I moved to another country after said break-up because I wanted to run away from myself as well (with a job, a flat and being fluent in the country's language though), I thought I might not be too hard on this.

Furthermore he had a blog on which he wrote down situations he was frustrated about or needed to get them out of his head. One entry, a 27 min read, was about all his relationship experiences.
He described about 12 relationships he had since he was 17 until he was 27. Most of them only lasted 4-5 months, only one 10 months, some only weeks.
I found that a bit odd too, but as he told me that he was always looking for someone like me and that, in contrast to his former relationships, ours didn’t t have an "expiration date" I thought, well maybe I am "the one", with still a bit of suspicion on my mind though.

I was "perfect". I was deeply reflected, emotionally mature, with the perfect body etc. etc. He talked about me in front of my and his friends already as his "wife".
I know that I am very reflected and that my emotional intelligence is above average. However, I didn’t see myself as that goddess he saw in me, especially not when it came to the body. I am slim but still have room for improvement from my perspective. When I mentioned that I see that differently, he asked whether I had some kind of body dysmorphia, because I clearly have the perfect body.

We enjoyed the time together, he always said how much he loved me and our little family, how much better our relationship is compared to others, that our arguments are only about who does the dishes and who is too "messy" from time to time.
He gave me much security, I felt that I was safe in this relationship and that I finally got what I was looking for.

We still had our own apartments in the same city and we came up with the idea to spend one week at his and one week at mine.
However he got always very frustrated at mine, since he said my bed was too small, the mattress too soft, the bedroom too full and my kitchen not equipped enough.
I wanted him to feel comfortable, so last week we put my desk on ebay in order to have space for a bigger bed. I got rid of some things in my bed room, which I didn’t mind, and still his frustration lingered around.
He suddenly said "I decided I'm gonna be at my place next week together with the dog." I found that quite harsh to say it that way, but I thought he just needed sleep and wasn’t in the best mood.
Additionally he said things like "I can work better from home when you're not around, so I want to be alone when I work from home." and to an upcoming holiday which I said to that didn’t t know if I could afford that and also didn’t want to spend 3/4 of my annual leave "I'm going on this holiday with or without you", and to his work "I don’t do my work to get anyone’s respect", to which I pointed out that I'm not "anyone", but he said I'd basically would be anyone.
I told him that these statements hurt and that I wish that he could phrase them differently in the future. He just shrugged his shoulders and said it wasn’t his intention to hurt me, but if he did then he’s s sorry.

At this evening we met a befriended couple for a game night and I already fell asleep on the host's bed that night. The next day I had one of my closest friends and her boyfriend over. She herself has been diagnosed with BPD, but in a moderate way and she's in therapy and can cope with that very well.

The day after he went to his place. He forgot his glasses so I dropped them off at his place where he just said thank you and on my question if he's not gonna kiss me and with eyes already brimming with tears, he just said he was tired, gave me a very emotionally cold kiss and shut the door.
I called him in the evening asking whether he was feeling better. He said that he had been unhappy for quite some time and needed to find out why. On my question if it is something with me and if he intends to break up with me he said "no".

Two days later and also two days ago, I had my first day at my new work and was filling in my core data. I texted him if he's gonna be my emergency contact again, since he'd been it at my former workplace already. He tried to dodge this question and said that he could try but that he thinks his language barrier would be an obstacle if there was a real emergency. A concern that never arose before. So I got very suspicious and said that this is very weird and all of his behaviour gives me bad vibes and that I wish to know what is going on. His answer was: "The more time I spend alone, the more I want to be alone." He told me that he wanted to break up with me that day after work.
I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what was going on. The nights before he told me I was his favourite person to talk to, that when he couldn’t sleep he made a list about what’s good and what’s bad about being with me and he found 30 pros and no cons. Four days before we went to different jewellery shops to measure our fingers. On my "I love you", he said it back. On my question if he still wanted to marry me, the answer was "Yes, of course, is there any doubt?". 
And now he wanted to break up?
My boss sent me home and I went to his place. I opened the door and he showed no emotions at all. If ever, I felt like he was about to laugh when he saw me crying, but also this vanished after a few seconds.
He told me his feeling were gone and that he can't say why. It just happened. Now he wanted to be alone and figure out why he always was "all in and all out" in his relationships. He said I did nothing wrong, I'd be a wonderful person and that this is all on him and his inner demons. He said that he loved me and meant all the things he said in that moment, but not anymore. When I was asleep at that game night he felt that it was nice to not having me around. All the time before he said how impressed he was that his social tolerance with me was apparently infinite. It all made no sense.
Still crying I packed all I could carry from my things and opened the door, without any compassion or a kind word he shut the door behind me.
I was devastated. I didn’t understand what just happened and why. Plus he denied me contact to the dog that we both agreed on getting.

Later that day I spoke to my friend who was close with him as well and asked him whether he could tell me what was going on, he denied and said he was as confused as me.
He told me about a memo my now ex-boyfriend sent to him where he said that the breakup finally happened, that he put it that way, that it was his fault and his shortcomings in emotional matters are the reason, and that he couldn’t tell me the real reasons why he broke up since he thought I couldn't take them. Namely that I had too little life experience, although I was three years older (I have a Bachelor, a Master, I lived abroad and unfortunately also stayed in a mental hospital for a time, just as context), that I'd be emotionally immature and I had terrible friends who all are sociopaths (the friend I mentioned already who came over for dinner and another friend who just had a nose job done because her nose was broken some years ago and she wanted to fix that). He said he couldn’t be happier and more relieved about that it is over now.
The last bit got me. The rest was bull****.

The day after my friend who received the voice mail, met him in person, he said he looked very exhausted, tired and sad and very withdrawn into his-self. But he would get back to this "happy" mode, he showed on the voice mail and said the same things again about me while laughing about that. These moods switched though.
My friend wanted to punch him for that but just remained calm. Still he said that if there are these "obvious" reasons for him to end the relationship, that it is very cowardly to not tell me directly.
In the evening I received a text from my then ex-boyfriend saying that my friend said that I wanted an explanation why he broke up.
He said I couldn't keep up with his level of energy, that he sees no passion in my relationship to work, I had terrible friends and that I did not have enough experience as he would have expected me to have at my age. 
I laughed. I truly laughed. At that point I was already aware that he had a major problem with his-self and that I am not the problem why this relationship ended, but he was.
I found this forum and read about the signs and the internal happenings in BPD persons' heads. I started to understand and put the pieces together.  Still I was very sad that what I was craving wasn't real and that the future he painted would never happen.
As well I was confronted with my own fears and anxiety and big self-doubts.
I was susceptible for his kind of love, intimacy and acceptance that he showed me, even if I knew that it was way too fast. I feel ashamed now. Luckily I have great (!) friends and a caring therapist who help me to cope with that. But still I felt the urge to share my story and to hear whether you have any tips or recommendations for me to get over that faster.
The contact to him is cut off and only the dog is the only part I'm worrying about, we'll see how that will turn out. She's a six month old puppy who cannot be left alone yet.

If you read all of this, I hope I didn’t steal your time and thank you for crawling until the end.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Love,
MaineCoon

[Rev]

Hey.
I'm new here.
I write here because two days ago my partner broke up with me, for me out of nowhere. And although I start to understand that he has a BPD, I still grieve about the person I thought he was and the future I thought awaited me.

We've been dating for four months and met on an online dating app.
Just after one day he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and wanted to fly to a wedding of his friends in the Caribbean three months in the future, after two weeks he told me he loved me, after four he was talking about moving in with me, after six about getting engaged later this year, after eight we got a dog.

Sure, I was surprised about the speed, but also I was craving this kind of strong connection and intimacy, since I myself am in therapy because of attachment issues and a depressive episode that happened two years ago after a break up.

Still it was all great, we went to the wedding and my parents met his parents. We even chose engagement rings for each other already and planned moving in together.
He recently moved to my city from another city in my country. Prior to this he had moved to this country within one week (from the thought to execution) two years ago with no job, no flat and no knowledge of the country's language. Bold. Maybe the first , but since I moved to another country after said break-up because I wanted to run away from myself as well (with a job, a flat and being fluent in the country's language though), I thought I might not be too hard on this.

Furthermore he had a blog on which he wrote down situations he was frustrated about or needed to get them out of his head. One entry, a 27 min read, was about all his relationship experiences.
He described about 12 relationships he had since he was 17 until he was 27. Most of them only lasted 4-5 months, only one 10 months, some only weeks.
I found that a bit odd too, but as he told me that he was always looking for someone like me and that, in contrast to his former relationships, ours didn’t t have an "expiration date" I thought, well maybe I am "the one", with still a bit of suspicion on my mind though.

I was "perfect". I was deeply reflected, emotionally mature, with the perfect body etc. etc. He talked about me in front of my and his friends already as his "wife".
I know that I am very reflected and that my emotional intelligence is above average. However, I didn’t see myself as that goddess he saw in me, especially not when it came to the body. I am slim but still have room for improvement from my perspective. When I mentioned that I see that differently, he asked whether I had some kind of body dysmorphia, because I clearly have the perfect body.

We enjoyed the time together, he always said how much he loved me and our little family, how much better our relationship is compared to others, that our arguments are only about who does the dishes and who is too "messy" from time to time.
He gave me much security, I felt that I was safe in this relationship and that I finally got what I was looking for.

We still had our own apartments in the same city and we came up with the idea to spend one week at his and one week at mine.
However he got always very frustrated at mine, since he said my bed was too small, the mattress too soft, the bedroom too full and my kitchen not equipped enough.
I wanted him to feel comfortable, so last week we put my desk on ebay in order to have space for a bigger bed. I got rid of some things in my bed room, which I didn’t mind, and still his frustration lingered around.
He suddenly said "I decided I'm gonna be at my place next week together with the dog." I found that quite harsh to say it that way, but I thought he just needed sleep and wasn’t in the best mood.
Additionally he said things like "I can work better from home when you're not around, so I want to be alone when I work from home." and to an upcoming holiday which I said to that didn’t t know if I could afford that and also didn’t want to spend 3/4 of my annual leave "I'm going on this holiday with or without you", and to his work "I don’t do my work to get anyone’s respect", to which I pointed out that I'm not "anyone", but he said I'd basically would be anyone.
I told him that these statements hurt and that I wish that he could phrase them differently in the future. He just shrugged his shoulders and said it wasn’t his intention to hurt me, but if he did then he’s s sorry.

At this evening we met a befriended couple for a game night and I already fell asleep on the host's bed that night. The next day I had one of my closest friends and her boyfriend over. She herself has been diagnosed with BPD, but in a moderate way and she's in therapy and can cope with that very well.

The day after he went to his place. He forgot his glasses so I dropped them off at his place where he just said thank you and on my question if he's not gonna kiss me and with eyes already brimming with tears, he just said he was tired, gave me a very emotionally cold kiss and shut the door.
I called him in the evening asking whether he was feeling better. He said that he had been unhappy for quite some time and needed to find out why. On my question if it is something with me and if he intends to break up with me he said "no".

Two days later and also two days ago, I had my first day at my new work and was filling in my core data. I texted him if he's gonna be my emergency contact again, since he'd been it at my former workplace already. He tried to dodge this question and said that he could try but that he thinks his language barrier would be an obstacle if there was a real emergency. A concern that never arose before. So I got very suspicious and said that this is very weird and all of his behaviour gives me bad vibes and that I wish to know what is going on. His answer was: "The more time I spend alone, the more I want to be alone." He told me that he wanted to break up with me that day after work.
I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what was going on. The nights before he told me I was his favourite person to talk to, that when he couldn’t sleep he made a list about what’s good and what’s bad about being with me and he found 30 pros and no cons. Four days before we went to different jewellery shops to measure our fingers. On my "I love you", he said it back. On my question if he still wanted to marry me, the answer was "Yes, of course, is there any doubt?". 
And now he wanted to break up?
My boss sent me home and I went to his place. I opened the door and he showed no emotions at all. If ever, I felt like he was about to laugh when he saw me crying, but also this vanished after a few seconds.
He told me his feeling were gone and that he can't say why. It just happened. Now he wanted to be alone and figure out why he always was "all in and all out" in his relationships. He said I did nothing wrong, I'd be a wonderful person and that this is all on him and his inner demons. He said that he loved me and meant all the things he said in that moment, but not anymore. When I was asleep at that game night he felt that it was nice to not having me around. All the time before he said how impressed he was that his social tolerance with me was apparently infinite. It all made no sense.
Still crying I packed all I could carry from my things and opened the door, without any compassion or a kind word he shut the door behind me.
I was devastated. I didn’t understand what just happened and why. Plus he denied me contact to the dog that we both agreed on getting.

Later that day I spoke to my friend who was close with him as well and asked him whether he could tell me what was going on, he denied and said he was as confused as me.
He told me about a memo my now ex-boyfriend sent to him where he said that the breakup finally happened, that he put it that way, that it was his fault and his shortcomings in emotional matters are the reason, and that he couldn’t tell me the real reasons why he broke up since he thought I couldn't take them. Namely that I had too little life experience, although I was three years older (I have a Bachelor, a Master, I lived abroad and unfortunately also stayed in a mental hospital for a time, just as context), that I'd be emotionally immature and I had terrible friends who all are sociopaths (the friend I mentioned already who came over for dinner and another friend who just had a nose job done because her nose was broken some years ago and she wanted to fix that). He said he couldn’t be happier and more relieved about that it is over now.
The last bit got me. The rest was bull****.

The day after my friend who received the voice mail, met him in person, he said he looked very exhausted, tired and sad and very withdrawn into his-self. But he would get back to this "happy" mode, he showed on the voice mail and said the same things again about me while laughing about that. These moods switched though.
My friend wanted to punch him for that but just remained calm. Still he said that if there are these "obvious" reasons for him to end the relationship, that it is very cowardly to not tell me directly.
In the evening I received a text from my then ex-boyfriend saying that my friend said that I wanted an explanation why he broke up.
He said I couldn't keep up with his level of energy, that he sees no passion in my relationship to work, I had terrible friends and that I did not have enough experience as he would have expected me to have at my age. 
I laughed. I truly laughed. At that point I was already aware that he had a major problem with his-self and that I am not the problem why this relationship ended, but he was.
I found this forum and read about the signs and the internal happenings in BPD persons' heads. I started to understand and put the pieces together.  Still I was very sad that what I was craving wasn't real and that the future he painted would never happen.
As well I was confronted with my own fears and anxiety and big self-doubts.
I was susceptible for his kind of love, intimacy and acceptance that he showed me, even if I knew that it was way too fast. I feel ashamed now. Luckily I have great (!) friends and a caring therapist who help me to cope with that. But still I felt the urge to share my story and to hear whether you have any tips or recommendations for me to get over that faster.
The contact to him is cut off and only the dog is the only part I'm worrying about, we'll see how that will turn out. She's a six month old puppy who cannot be left alone yet.

If you read all of this, I hope I didn’t steal your time and thank you for crawling until the end.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Love,
MaineCoon

Hi Maine,

Welcome. As I often say - sorry you are where you find yourself. Glad you found us.

These relationships can really mess with our heads and our hearts, can't they?  And congratulations on finding a T that is working for you.

Have you had a chance to scope out the site?  I would invite you to do that. It might help you put what you are learning in Therapy into a wider context. This site really helped me find a new path out of my own therapy. So much of the emotional effects that you name here resonate with me.  Especially the shame I felt when I started to knowingly ignore red flags.  Here, there's no judgement about that. Everyone has ignored them. It's part of being human. And yes, it can cause hurt.

Tell you what - I'll stop there and give others a chance to wade in. Would that be okay. And if you want to reach out again, do so.  And if and when something comes to mind, I'll so the same.

In the meantime. Hang in there. Someone said this to me very early on in my own story:

Rev, it may not feel like it right now, but it does get better.

Rev

[finallyout]

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this 

I know how it feels to deal with someone with this kind of personality. It makes you question your sanity. And I am sure that you liked this person a lot and that the passion was enormous at the beginning, but you should be really grateful that the relationship ended before you made any serious commitments with him. Many of the people here on this site would tell you that being hurt and devastated now is much better than after 20 years with two or three kids. This kind of relationships don't work. They end before they even begin.

Now it is the time for grief, it is going to be hard, but I am sure it will get better with time.

[SinisterComplex]

Hello and welcome MaineCoon.  . Happy you found us and are willing to let this family help you and have your back. Truly sorry for your ordeal that brought you to us though. There is no sugarcoating it...it sucks. The good news though...you will get through this. You will get better. Most importantly, we will have your back here. Never feel like no one know understands or gets it. We do. That's why we are here. No matter how awkward or silly something feels it is ok to share here.

Continue to vent and share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

BTW...as a sidenote...I love the name because I immediately think of the bad@$$ kitty cat the Maine Coon Cat...they are awesome animals.

Welcome to the fam and Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[rob66]

Welcome, and so sorry to hear you are going through this. I hate to say it, but welcome to the club. There are so many similarities in all of our stories that this really is a club. My exBPD also had a list of about 20 qualities she wanted in a partner, and fulfilled every one of them! In retrospect, it was that list that really convinced me that people with BPD have a much different way of thinking than we do. When my ex dumped me cruelly after 8 months OVER THE PHONE she also said, "It's me, not you." To a certain extent they know they are different, damaged, unable to maintain relationships. However, they keep trying in hopes of meeting the one person that will forever fulfill all of their needs.

I strongly encourage you to read the posts of a former member of this site - the member's name is "2010". Just that, "2010". His/her observant, expert, and eloquent posts gave me SO much insight into what happened.

Even when we understand that we were discarded by a person with deeply troubled ways of thinking, it's very difficult to accept because we were so drawn in by our exBPD. The posts of 2010 will give you a lot of insight into why we allowed this to happen to us, why we ignored SO many red flags - mirroring, our own trauma, etc. etc. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. It's necessary to heal completely. Do not blame yourself, or feel like you are undeserving of love. You most certainly are. You sound like you are already thinking about this as a learning experience. That's good. Stay on this site, keep posting; it will help a lot.

[Destiny 37]

I’m sorry you find yourself here. I’m also new and getting my head around all of this too.

You realise now that this isn’t right and you have to keep reminding yourself of this. I had very similar experiences to you. I failed to live up to his expectations. He would constantly tell me “you’ve changed” or “you’re not the person I thought you were”. They have this idealised version of you in their minds that is completely unattainable and sets us up for failure.

To give some perspective this happening now and you realising is a blessing I promise you. I was so damaged when I met him, his abuse felt like what I knew. I didn’t see how he would put me on a pedestal and then pull it out from under me. He has spent years gaslighting me. Like you have found so unbelievably cold towards me at times, I couldn’t understand it. I’m now 17 years in, married to him, three kids, three animals, a mortgage. Guess who earns all the money and has the career? Guess who has nothing to get herself out of this situation? Yep me. I’m pretty much trapped now. No family that cares either and I moved hundreds of miles away to be with him.

As I say I’m not downplaying how you feel. You have every right to feel hurt and confused. I just want to let you know finding this our or realising now is truly a blessing for you. You can heal and move on with your life quicker. If he contacts you stay strong. They can be very charming when they want to be. Sending love x

[ILMBPDC]

Sure, I was surprised about the speed, but also I was craving this kind of strong connection and intimacy, since I myself am in therapy because of attachment issues and a depressive episode that happened two years ago after a break up.

I feel this 100%. Looking back, this is exactly what was going on with me - the speed was surprising but I was so lonely and so in need of connection that it didn't seem like a red flag.

I was "perfect".

That is the idealization phase - you are on a pedestal and can do no wrong. It feels good to have someone so into us... but it also means that the fall when they eventually devalue us is harder and more painful

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what was going on. The nights before he told me I was his favourite person to talk to, that when he couldn’t sleep he made a list about what’s good and what’s bad about being with me and he found 30 pros and no cons. Four days before we went to different jewellery shops to measure our fingers. On my "I love you", he said it back. On my question if he still wanted to marry me, the answer was "Yes, of course, is there any doubt?". 
And now he wanted to break up?

In my case he was talking kids and future and said he loved me. Within 2 weeks he met someone else he "saw a future with" (they lasted 4 months). His devaluation of me turned out to be my offhand comment that at my age (46 at the time) I was unlikely to have more children. No discussion, just, well you aren't as perfect as I thought, on to the next.

He told me his feeling were gone and that he can't say why. It just happened. Now he wanted to be alone and figure out why he always was "all in and all out" in his relationships.

Very common with BPD - its like they ahve some sort of switch

He said that he loved me and meant all the things he said in that moment, but not anymore.

Another very common thing with BPD - they have emotions at points in time but those emotions don't necessarily continue. It makes no sense to us but that's how their brains work.

I found this forum and read about the signs and the internal happenings in BPD persons' heads. I started to understand and put the pieces together.  Still I was very sad that what I was craving wasn't real and that the future he painted would never happen.

This is very insightful, as is your thread title. It took me quite awhile to realize he wasn't the person he presented himself to be and that I was in love with a hologram. And its hard to have that rosy future painted for us and knowing that he likely never meant it, that is was all fantasy on his part (at least that's how it is with my ex, he says so many things he never follows through on because he lives in fantasy).

As well I was confronted with my own fears and anxiety and big self-doubts. 

As hard as it is to face these, its actually a good thing. It can help you figure out what made you susceptible to a pwBPD. What is it you were craving that he filled for a little while. Then take that and figure out how to heal. This is where I am at right now - in my case I have a ton of unresolved trauma from my childhood - a lot of neglect and lack of connection and my ex filled that really well for a little while. I am now in therapy for cPTSD and attending ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) meetings to try and heal my inner child wounds. Its hard, really hard, but being with my BPDex is what opened my eyes finally to see my issues and to decide it was time to work on them. With hard work and healing, I hope to never be in a dysfunctional relationship again.

I was susceptible for his kind of love, intimacy and acceptance that he showed me, even if I knew that it was way too fast. I feel ashamed now.

Please don't feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong. We all overlooked the red flags and we all want to be loved, its human.

[jaded7]

Hey.
I'm new here.
I write here because two days ago my partner broke up with me, for me out of nowhere. And although I start to understand that he has a BPD, I still grieve about the person I thought he was and the future I thought awaited me.

We've been dating for four months and met on an online dating app.
Just after one day he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and wanted to fly to a wedding of his friends in the Caribbean three months in the future, after two weeks he told me he loved me, after four he was talking about moving in with me, after six about getting engaged later this year, after eight we got a dog.

Sure, I was surprised about the speed, but also I was craving this kind of strong connection and intimacy, since I myself am in therapy because of attachment issues and a depressive episode that happened two years ago after a break up.

Still it was all great, we went to the wedding and my parents met his parents. We even chose engagement rings for each other already and planned moving in together.
He recently moved to my city from another city in my country. Prior to this he had moved to this country within one week (from the thought to execution) two years ago with no job, no flat and no knowledge of the country's language. Bold. Maybe the first , but since I moved to another country after said break-up because I wanted to run away from myself as well (with a job, a flat and being fluent in the country's language though), I thought I might not be too hard on this.

Furthermore he had a blog on which he wrote down situations he was frustrated about or needed to get them out of his head. One entry, a 27 min read, was about all his relationship experiences.
He described about 12 relationships he had since he was 17 until he was 27. Most of them only lasted 4-5 months, only one 10 months, some only weeks.
I found that a bit odd too, but as he told me that he was always looking for someone like me and that, in contrast to his former relationships, ours didn’t t have an "expiration date" I thought, well maybe I am "the one", with still a bit of suspicion on my mind though.

I was "perfect". I was deeply reflected, emotionally mature, with the perfect body etc. etc. He talked about me in front of my and his friends already as his "wife".
I know that I am very reflected and that my emotional intelligence is above average. However, I didn’t see myself as that goddess he saw in me, especially not when it came to the body. I am slim but still have room for improvement from my perspective. When I mentioned that I see that differently, he asked whether I had some kind of body dysmorphia, because I clearly have the perfect body.

We enjoyed the time together, he always said how much he loved me and our little family, how much better our relationship is compared to others, that our arguments are only about who does the dishes and who is too "messy" from time to time.
He gave me much security, I felt that I was safe in this relationship and that I finally got what I was looking for.

We still had our own apartments in the same city and we came up with the idea to spend one week at his and one week at mine.
However he got always very frustrated at mine, since he said my bed was too small, the mattress too soft, the bedroom too full and my kitchen not equipped enough.
I wanted him to feel comfortable, so last week we put my desk on ebay in order to have space for a bigger bed. I got rid of some things in my bed room, which I didn’t mind, and still his frustration lingered around.
He suddenly said "I decided I'm gonna be at my place next week together with the dog." I found that quite harsh to say it that way, but I thought he just needed sleep and wasn’t in the best mood.
Additionally he said things like "I can work better from home when you're not around, so I want to be alone when I work from home." and to an upcoming holiday which I said to that didn’t t know if I could afford that and also didn’t want to spend 3/4 of my annual leave "I'm going on this holiday with or without you", and to his work "I don’t do my work to get anyone’s respect", to which I pointed out that I'm not "anyone", but he said I'd basically would be anyone.
I told him that these statements hurt and that I wish that he could phrase them differently in the future. He just shrugged his shoulders and said it wasn’t his intention to hurt me, but if he did then he’s s sorry.

At this evening we met a befriended couple for a game night and I already fell asleep on the host's bed that night. The next day I had one of my closest friends and her boyfriend over. She herself has been diagnosed with BPD, but in a moderate way and she's in therapy and can cope with that very well.

The day after he went to his place. He forgot his glasses so I dropped them off at his place where he just said thank you and on my question if he's not gonna kiss me and with eyes already brimming with tears, he just said he was tired, gave me a very emotionally cold kiss and shut the door.
I called him in the evening asking whether he was feeling better. He said that he had been unhappy for quite some time and needed to find out why. On my question if it is something with me and if he intends to break up with me he said "no".

Two days later and also two days ago, I had my first day at my new work and was filling in my core data. I texted him if he's gonna be my emergency contact again, since he'd been it at my former workplace already. He tried to dodge this question and said that he could try but that he thinks his language barrier would be an obstacle if there was a real emergency. A concern that never arose before. So I got very suspicious and said that this is very weird and all of his behaviour gives me bad vibes and that I wish to know what is going on. His answer was: "The more time I spend alone, the more I want to be alone." He told me that he wanted to break up with me that day after work.
I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what was going on. The nights before he told me I was his favourite person to talk to, that when he couldn’t sleep he made a list about what’s good and what’s bad about being with me and he found 30 pros and no cons. Four days before we went to different jewellery shops to measure our fingers. On my "I love you", he said it back. On my question if he still wanted to marry me, the answer was "Yes, of course, is there any doubt?". 
And now he wanted to break up?
My boss sent me home and I went to his place. I opened the door and he showed no emotions at all. If ever, I felt like he was about to laugh when he saw me crying, but also this vanished after a few seconds.
He told me his feeling were gone and that he can't say why. It just happened. Now he wanted to be alone and figure out why he always was "all in and all out" in his relationships. He said I did nothing wrong, I'd be a wonderful person and that this is all on him and his inner demons. He said that he loved me and meant all the things he said in that moment, but not anymore. When I was asleep at that game night he felt that it was nice to not having me around. All the time before he said how impressed he was that his social tolerance with me was apparently infinite. It all made no sense.
Still crying I packed all I could carry from my things and opened the door, without any compassion or a kind word he shut the door behind me.
I was devastated. I didn’t understand what just happened and why. Plus he denied me contact to the dog that we both agreed on getting.

Later that day I spoke to my friend who was close with him as well and asked him whether he could tell me what was going on, he denied and said he was as confused as me.
He told me about a memo my now ex-boyfriend sent to him where he said that the breakup finally happened, that he put it that way, that it was his fault and his shortcomings in emotional matters are the reason, and that he couldn’t tell me the real reasons why he broke up since he thought I couldn't take them. Namely that I had too little life experience, although I was three years older (I have a Bachelor, a Master, I lived abroad and unfortunately also stayed in a mental hospital for a time, just as context), that I'd be emotionally immature and I had terrible friends who all are sociopaths (the friend I mentioned already who came over for dinner and another friend who just had a nose job done because her nose was broken some years ago and she wanted to fix that). He said he couldn’t be happier and more relieved about that it is over now.
The last bit got me. The rest was bull****.

The day after my friend who received the voice mail, met him in person, he said he looked very exhausted, tired and sad and very withdrawn into his-self. But he would get back to this "happy" mode, he showed on the voice mail and said the same things again about me while laughing about that. These moods switched though.
My friend wanted to punch him for that but just remained calm. Still he said that if there are these "obvious" reasons for him to end the relationship, that it is very cowardly to not tell me directly.
In the evening I received a text from my then ex-boyfriend saying that my friend said that I wanted an explanation why he broke up.
He said I couldn't keep up with his level of energy, that he sees no passion in my relationship to work, I had terrible friends and that I did not have enough experience as he would have expected me to have at my age. 
I laughed. I truly laughed. At that point I was already aware that he had a major problem with his-self and that I am not the problem why this relationship ended, but he was.
I found this forum and read about the signs and the internal happenings in BPD persons' heads. I started to understand and put the pieces together.  Still I was very sad that what I was craving wasn't real and that the future he painted would never happen.
As well I was confronted with my own fears and anxiety and big self-doubts.
I was susceptible for his kind of love, intimacy and acceptance that he showed me, even if I knew that it was way too fast. I feel ashamed now. Luckily I have great (!) friends and a caring therapist who help me to cope with that. But still I felt the urge to share my story and to hear whether you have any tips or recommendations for me to get over that faster.
The contact to him is cut off and only the dog is the only part I'm worrying about, we'll see how that will turn out. She's a six month old puppy who cannot be left alone yet.

If you read all of this, I hope I didn’t steal your time and thank you for crawling until the end.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Love,
MaineCoon

I'll just add that "you were in love with someone who never existed" is very, very close to what the experts I've seen on YouTube and articles I've read say. My own therapist says this. My own ex, in a night of self-pity before her birthday (she was worried about getting older, upset she never had more kids) said "and all my friends think I have it so together and I don't". I of course comforted her and told her how much I admired her and how she lived her life, but it did no good. She was admitting to me that she portrayed herself and her life in a way that wasn't true, and didn't show her real self to her friends.

I mentioned it in another thread, but there are some recordings of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard analyzed by experts and therapists on YouTube. It's a classic bpd-like exchange, with her going around in circles and denying and invalidating Johnny and yelling, then denying something she said just minutes before. He is really calm and trying to get in a word here and there. It reminds me so much of our 'fights'...so crazy-making. Finally, there is something that she accuses him of that crosses the line, in his mind, and something changes in him. He stops JADE ing and says

"alright. Ok. Amber, you don't exist. I loved you for so long, but you are not there. You are a f**cking made up thing in my mind."

The moment of clarity.

[mainecoon]

I'll just add that "you were in love with someone who never existed" is very, very close to what the experts I've seen on YouTube and articles I've read say. My own therapist says this. My own ex, in a night of self-pity before her birthday (she was worried about getting older, upset she never had more kids) said "and all my friends think I have it so together and I don't". I of course comforted her and told her how much I admired her and how she lived her life, but it did no good. She was admitting to me that she portrayed herself and her life in a way that wasn't true, and didn't show her real self to her friends.

I mentioned it in another thread, but there are some recordings of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard analyzed by experts and therapists on YouTube. It's a classic bpd-like exchange, with her going around in circles and denying and invalidating Johnny and yelling, then denying something she said just minutes before. He is really calm and trying to get in a word here and there. It reminds me so much of our 'fights'...so crazy-making. Finally, there is something that she accuses him of that crosses the line, in his mind, and something changes in him. He stops JADE ing and says

"alright. Ok. Amber, you don't exist. I loved you for so long, but you are not there. You are a f**cking made up thing in my mind."

The moment of clarity.

Hey Jaded,

thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, this was extremely helpful for me. This is really what I have to remember. I absolutely didn't recognise him on the last days. So cruel, it's hard to comprehend.

 

[mainecoon]

I feel this 100%. Looking back, this is exactly what was going on with me - the speed was surprising but I was so lonely and so in need of connection that it didn't seem like a red flag.
That is the idealization phase - you are on a pedestal and can do no wrong. It feels good to have someone so into us... but it also means that the fall when they eventually devalue us is harder and more painful
In my case he was talking kids and future and said he loved me. Within 2 weeks he met someone else he "saw a future with" (they lasted 4 months). His devaluation of me turned out to be my offhand comment that at my age (46 at the time) I was unlikely to have more children. No discussion, just, well you aren't as perfect as I thought, on to the next.
 Very common with BPD - its like they ahve some sort of switch
 Another very common thing with BPD - they have emotions at points in time but those emotions don't necessarily continue. It makes no sense to us but that's how their brains work.
 This is very insightful, as is your thread title. It took me quite awhile to realize he wasn't the person he presented himself to be and that I was in love with a hologram. And its hard to have that rosy future painted for us and knowing that he likely never meant it, that is was all fantasy on his part (at least that's how it is with my ex, he says so many things he never follows through on because he lives in fantasy).
 As hard as it is to face these, its actually a good thing. It can help you figure out what made you susceptible to a pwBPD. What is it you were craving that he filled for a little while. Then take that and figure out how to heal. This is where I am at right now - in my case I have a ton of unresolved trauma from my childhood - a lot of neglect and lack of connection and my ex filled that really well for a little while. I am now in therapy for cPTSD and attending ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) meetings to try and heal my inner child wounds. Its hard, really hard, but being with my BPDex is what opened my eyes finally to see my issues and to decide it was time to work on them. With hard work and healing, I hope to never be in a dysfunctional relationship again.
Please don't feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong. We all overlooked the red flags and we all want to be loved, its human.

Hey ILMBPDC,

I can't put in words how much you helped me. Thank you so much.
It is so helpful to hear that I am not alone.

Although I knew about his past relationship patterns, I really thought I would be "the one", as he told me I was. Naive maybe, but I really wished for that strong kind of love.
I understand now that this is a pattern. Something that is deeply embedded inside of him, that no one on this world can cure, without him acknowledging this, and more importantly, no one can save him but he himself.
The strange thing is, that he has a blog where he talks about his self-diagnosed depression and describes that he has – twice now – experienced an enlightening kind of moment, where he suddenly switched back to "normal" very clearly and even observing, but without drawing the conclusion that this is not "normal".
I admit, that when you grow up feeling like this and assume this is just "normal" but everyone around you is apparently feeling differently and telling you that you're wrong, must be frightening. It's not that he is truly happy with this, though, he knows that there is something wrong, but doesn't want to admit that it is a personality disorder, although he sees that clearly in his parents and sister. It's really, really hard to understand.

I see this as a chance to work on myself now as well and to find the reason why I was susceptible for this kind of "love" and am prone to being codependent.

Thank you for comforting me, I really just wanted to be loved, that was all.

[mainecoon]

I’m sorry you find yourself here. I’m also new and getting my head around all of this too.

You realise now that this isn’t right and you have to keep reminding yourself of this. I had very similar experiences to you. I failed to live up to his expectations. He would constantly tell me “you’ve changed” or “you’re not the person I thought you were”. They have this idealised version of you in their minds that is completely unattainable and sets us up for failure.

To give some perspective this happening now and you realising is a blessing I promise you. I was so damaged when I met him, his abuse felt like what I knew. I didn’t see how he would put me on a pedestal and then pull it out from under me. He has spent years gaslighting me. Like you have found so unbelievably cold towards me at times, I couldn’t understand it. I’m now 17 years in, married to him, three kids, three animals, a mortgage. Guess who earns all the money and has the career? Guess who has nothing to get herself out of this situation? Yep me. I’m pretty much trapped now. No family that cares either and I moved hundreds of miles away to be with him.

As I say I’m not downplaying how you feel. You have every right to feel hurt and confused. I just want to let you know finding this our or realising now is truly a blessing for you. You can heal and move on with your life quicker. If he contacts you stay strong. They can be very charming when they want to be. Sending love x

Hey Unicorn85,

I wanted to thank you here again for being so open with your own story and for letting me know that for me this was a blessing.
I feel bad to see it that way now, because I hear how you feel. I'm so sorry and I hope that you will find a way out of that trap, this is not fair.
 
Just let me tell you, that you really helped me with sharing your experiences who are so similar to mine, it is a pattern and we had just happened to be in the mental state to be susceptible for this. It's bad.
I feel bad for them as well, because they will never feel true happiness themselves , they're not capable of this if they do not reflect themselves.
But we have a chance to heal, to reach out for help. So we should do anything to not go down with them. Please don't give up!

[mainecoon]

Welcome, and so sorry to hear you are going through this. I hate to say it, but welcome to the club. There are so many similarities in all of our stories that this really is a club. My exBPD also had a list of about 20 qualities she wanted in a partner, and fulfilled every one of them! In retrospect, it was that list that really convinced me that people with BPD have a much different way of thinking than we do. When my ex dumped me cruelly after 8 months OVER THE PHONE she also said, "It's me, not you." To a certain extent they know they are different, damaged, unable to maintain relationships. However, they keep trying in hopes of meeting the one person that will forever fulfill all of their needs.

I strongly encourage you to read the posts of a former member of this site - the member's name is "2010". Just that, "2010". His/her observant, expert, and eloquent posts gave me SO much insight into what happened.

Even when we understand that we were discarded by a person with deeply troubled ways of thinking, it's very difficult to accept because we were so drawn in by our exBPD. The posts of 2010 will give you a lot of insight into why we allowed this to happen to us, why we ignored SO many red flags - mirroring, our own trauma, etc. etc. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. It's necessary to heal completely. Do not blame yourself, or feel like you are undeserving of love. You most certainly are. You sound like you are already thinking about this as a learning experience. That's good. Stay on this site, keep posting; it will help a lot.

Hey Rob,

thank you for welcoming me to the club, haha.
Wow, what you tell is just like my exact story. I am so sorry, 8 months and she didn't even have the balls to tell you that in person? That is pathetic.

"To a certain extent they know they are different, damaged, unable to maintain relationships. However, they keep trying in hopes of meeting the one person that will forever fulfill all of their needs."
I agree so much. My ex-boyfriend has a blog where he describes that he switches from being deeply depressed for no obvious reason to being the most motivated person on this earth overnight. He also knows that there is something wrong with him and his relationships, but he does not draw the conclusion that this is a sign of a personality disorder. 15+ relationships has ended the same way, still he is – as pwBPD are – looking for THE ONE who fulfils all his needs. That only he is the one who can help himself could not be more far off to him. It's not comprehensible for me. Not at all.

When I look for 2010, or just any profile, I get an error, which says "Sorry, but you can't just view any profile". Do you have a link to one of his posts? It seems like there is some kind of search button missing here.

Yes, I see this as a lesson to acknowledge my own pain points. I am in therapy already because I show symptoms of codependency and I made a big leap and can accept myself by now, so this won't destroy me, like break-ups did before.
It's not fair towards me and all the progress I made within years of working on myself to let him defining my happiness and self-worth. No way.

[mainecoon]

Hello and welcome MaineCoon.  . Happy you found us and are willing to let this family help you and have your back. Truly sorry for your ordeal that brought you to us though. There is no sugarcoating it...it sucks. The good news though...you will get through this. You will get better. Most importantly, we will have your back here. Never feel like no one know understands or gets it. We do. That's why we are here. No matter how awkward or silly something feels it is ok to share here.

Continue to vent and share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

BTW...as a sidenote...I love the name because I immediately think of the bad@$$ kitty cat the Maine Coon Cat...they are awesome animals.

Welcome to the fam and Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey SC,

thanks so much for welcoming me, I appreciate the support all of you gave to me so much. I definitely feel less alone and that this is just how these relationships work, resp. do not work.

I recently talked to the bride of the wedding we went to in December and although she was shocked that this happened, since she thought I was "the one", according to how he talked about me and what plans he had, she wasn't surprised. She told me, that she was thinking about warning me, that I should run, because he did this to many other girls before me and lots of them went crazy or were just absolutely destroyed. He kicked them out of his flat, was always happy and relieved when it was over and returned dogs to the shelter, that he adopted together with the girls.
We adopted a dog as well, I have no clue what's gonna happen to this little pup.

This helped to understand that his mind is literally crazy and that not my perception of the world is distorted but his.
I did not work on my mental health for years now, to let it get destroyed by some stupid bloke who will never find true happiness, if he won't reflect his own behaviour. He's kinda doomed in my eyes.

I remember moments when he looked daggers at me, for me out of the blue with no obvious reason. That scared me every time it happened. I'm relieved I don't have to deal with this anymore.

And btw, I took this name because of these fluffy bada$$ cats, hehe, they're the best!

All the best,
maincoon

[jaded7]

 I definitely feel less alone and that this is just how these relationships work, resp. do not work.

I recently talked to the bride of the wedding we went to in December and although she was shocked that this happened, since she thought I was "the one", according to how he talked about me and what plans he had, she wasn't surprised. She told me, that she was thinking about warning me, that I should run, because he did this to many other girls before me and lots of them went crazy or were just absolutely destroyed. He kicked them out of his flat, was always happy and relieved when it was over and returned dogs to the shelter, that he adopted together with the girls.
We adopted a dog as well, I have no clue what's gonna happen to this little pup.

This helped to understand that his mind is literally crazy and that not my perception of the world is distorted but his.
I did not work on my mental health for years now, to let it get destroyed by some stupid bloke who will never find true happiness, if he won't reflect his own behaviour. He's kinda doomed in my eyes.

I remember moments when he looked daggers at me, for me out of the blue with no obvious reason. That scared me every time it happened. I'm relieved I don't have to deal with this anymore.

And btw, I took this name because of these fluffy bada$$ cats, hehe, they're the best!

All the best,
maincoon

This is very good stuff you're writing and thinking here MaineCoon. (love those cats too, by the way).

One of the things we get here in the forum is validation. We see that our experiences are not unique, that they follow some kind of pattern. The behaviors are remarkably similar among all our partners and ex partners, and that allows us to begin to think...hey, maybe it wasn't me?

That's a huge step to take. Because, of course, it's very common that our partners tell us we are the problem, we have so many shortcomings, it's our fault they yelled at us or ghosted us, etc.

The co-dependency is, I think, a common trait among us writing here. I know that I have a ton of it, and I know why. Doesn't make us bad people, it makes us people who allow others to treat us badly. It creates the confusion in us when our partners do treat us badly, or when they love us one day and the next day are 'mad' at us for something we can't quite discern. We internalize that, believe it's our fault.

Your ex had many partners who were treated the exact same way you were. My ex told me, seemed PROUD to tell me, very early on in relationship how she ditched past bfs, suddenly and over the flimsiest of excuses- not leaving a big enough tip at a restaurant, using a word she didn't like (this one she ditched in a hotel in another city and just left), sent one packing on the side of a road presumably over some 'argument' in the car- something I experienced myself, btw...she violently pulled off the road, in the gathering darkness and rain, on a dangerous two-lane highway, and threatened to make me walk 5 miles home, in a part of the country I didn't know.

I heard these stories and believed these men were clearly not good people, and I know I'm a good person, and she says she loves me, and that means something...had no idea it would happen to me.

She told me, as well, that an ex-bf of hers took his own life and blamed her in a letter he left...after a 'fight' with her, and I know these 'fights' very well- she's yelling, pointing fingers in my face, making no sense, accusing, name-calling, stalking around...and I would just calmly and lovingly try to understand where she was coming from.

You mentioned that many of his ex partners were destroyed, it's easy to understand that now, isn't it? They can inflict a special kind of pain on us, related to attachment wounds I believe, which are related to codependency.

You are not alone, you sound like a really good person and are thinking clearly (more clearly than me!).

[Rev]

What a beautifully supportive thread this is proving to be!

[mainecoon]

This is very good stuff you're writing and thinking here MaineCoon. (love those cats too, by the way). 

Thank you, Jaded, that means a lot to me. <3
Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried for a week, I was very proud of myself.
Today I saw my T and of course, the pain is still there, but it's more the fear of never healing, of always being prone to dysfunctional relationships, because I myself feel that I need someone who I can be one with, and that this might be a sign for a personality disorder as well.
She denied, she said she doesn't see any reasons to diagnose me with a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, however she sees a tendency towards codependency and we're looking into that in the future.
That helped. And I read some threads from 2010, whoever they are, it's brilliant stuff that they write.

It was hard for me to accept that I wasn't anyone "special". Yes, I was very thoughtful, supportive, caring and kind, maybe more than others before me, but not that "special" to him, as he claimed I was. Not the cure for his disorder I thought I could be. I was a means to an end, a projection surface, a coping mechanism to him.

On the other hand it is easier to accept that his "I don't see a future with you anymore" after we'd been to the jeweller's shop four days prior to that, arose from his disorder and not because I am a terrible person.

One of the things we get here in the forum is validation. We see that our experiences are not unique, that they follow some kind of pattern. The behaviors are remarkably similar among all our partners and ex partners, and that allows us to begin to think...hey, maybe it wasn't me?

That's a huge step to take. Because, of course, it's very common that our partners tell us we are the problem, we have so many shortcomings, it's our fault they yelled at us or ghosted us, etc.

YES! Exactly that is what helped me so much. To see that this is a pattern, that I am not alone. This is a disorder, and neither is is my fault that this relationship, or "interaction" failed, neither am I an unloveable person.

The co-dependency is, I think, a common trait among us writing here. I know that I have a ton of it, and I know why. Doesn't make us bad people, it makes us people who allow others to treat us badly. It creates the confusion in us when our partners do treat us badly, or when they love us one day and the next day are 'mad' at us for something we can't quite discern. We internalize that, believe it's our fault. 

Exactly. We try to comprehend, and if we don't see anything from our perspective, maybe their perspective is right. I think all of us are very empathetic and try to see a problem from different perspectives, however some perspectives are just wrong.

  Your ex had many partners who were treated the exact same way you were. My ex told me, seemed PROUD to tell me, very early on in relationship how she ditched past bfs, suddenly and over the flimsiest of excuses- not leaving a big enough tip at a restaurant, using a word she didn't like (this one she ditched in a hotel in another city and just left), sent one packing on the side of a road presumably over some 'argument' in the car- something I experienced myself, btw...she violently pulled off the road, in the gathering darkness and rain, on a dangerous two-lane highway, and threatened to make me walk 5 miles home, in a part of the country I didn't know.

This is terrible. Really terrible. It's insane how something profane like a tip can lead these people to question the entire personality of their partners and make them leave them on the spot. For me it apparently was my bed which wasn't big enough from his point of view and caused a sore back (we stayed at his for a week and then at mine and I already was about to sell my bed) and because he didn't like two of my very close friends. He called them "terrible friends" and "sociopaths" and that he was shocked to see I still supported them. WOW.
The more time passed after the break-up the more reasons he found why I was absolutely not the "love of his life" and why he doesn't love me anymore, although he claimed to "love me forever" some weeks prior.

I heard these stories and believed these men were clearly not good people, and I know I'm a good person, and she says she loves me, and that means something...had no idea it would happen to me.

Neither did I. I read in his blog about his failed relationships and my gut told me that there is a very high chance, that this could happen to me too, but I believed his "you are so different", "you are what I was looking for my whole life!" "I want to spend my entire life with you". Well. And here I am.

She told me, as well, that an ex-bf of hers took his own life and blamed her in a letter he left...after a 'fight' with her, and I know these 'fights' very well- she's yelling, pointing fingers in my face, making no sense, accusing, name-calling, stalking around...and I would just calmly and lovingly try to understand where she was coming from. 

That is f* up. What the hell. If this is true, then this person is dangerous and somewhat malicious.
Whatever you do, you will never be able to understand where they are coming from, their universe is different and works different than ours. To them it makes sense, just how ours makes sense to us, unfortunately they are trapped in theirs in which they are doomed to relive their worst nightmares again with every relationship. It's mad.

You mentioned that many of his ex partners were destroyed, it's easy to understand that now, isn't it? They can inflict a special kind of pain on us, related to attachment wounds I believe, which are related to codependency. 

It is so understandable. I myself am only aware of this, because my first encounter with a borderliner was when I was 20 and I got destroyed by that. I was suicidal and only managed to get out of that with my therapist. Plus, I was interested in Psychology, so I learned what this is. However, that's why I am so mad at me, that I, again, fell for such a person. This time I walked away without doubting that I am loveable, though and clearly seeing his part in all this misery.

  You are not alone, you sound like a really good person and are thinking clearly (more clearly than me!). 

Thank you, Jaded, that is really nice from you to say. I try my best. You lot are one of the reasons why I can think clearly, though, I am so glad I found this forum!

[mainecoon]

What a beautifully supportive thread this is proving to be!

Right? I am so happy that I found you lot. Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't cry, and that is also because of your wonderful support. Thank you!

[Rev]

Right? I am so happy that I found you lot. Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't cry, and that is also because of your wonderful support. Thank you!

 

[SinisterComplex]

Right? I am so happy that I found you lot. Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't cry, and that is also because of your wonderful support. Thank you!

That appreciation makes all the world of difference. This is why I say we are fam here. Sometimes life throws you curveballs. We are here to help those whom on strike 2 swung and missed that curve, but then taught how to step back, wait on the hanging curve and then blast that SOB  out of the park to win their life back. For those who may be like what in the actual F  is this guy talking about? It is a baseball reference. If you are into movies and like sports movies then Trouble with the Curve will hit home home here. LOL. Ok, I'm done with the absurd sports analogies. Just having some fun. 

Always remember...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better! Not just hollow words, but a powerful motto to etch into your mind to empower yourself so you find happiness and success.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[jaded7]

Thank you, Jaded, that means a lot to me. <3
Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried for a week, I was very proud of myself.


Thank you, Jaded, that is really nice from you to say. I try my best. You lot are one of the reasons why I can think clearly, though, I am so glad I found this forum!

See, now your responses are helping me! I've been on these boards for a couple years now, no 3 years. I came on about 1 year before my relationship exploded- I've been suffering now for 2 years.

It's the Head and the Heart. (a great band, by the way, look them up if you love music).

My head/brain studies, listens to YouTube therapists, reads these threads, reads books in an effort to understand intellectually what happened, but most importantly to help me FEEL that I'm not bad, worthless (a word she actually used toward me, in reference to how bad I was at shopping), stupid, uncultured. My therapist validates me constantly, tells me repeatedly this was a horribly abusive relationship...and I've been completely honest with her. All of this only works to a degree. Reading and venting and listening can buy me some relief, but it only lasts a few minutes or, if I'm lucky, hours.

My heart does not speak to my brain, apparently. Because my heart hurts, very very badly. It longs, it misses, it hopes and waits...

This is my attachment wound, and my sexual abuse wound, all tied together in this one person who I dared to love and be vulnerable with.

 (It's worse in that she was also sexually abusive and withholding and shaming. Ughh, I once said no to her because it was late and I had to get up early, and here came the anger and harsh words and an hour long 'fight'. I type the word in this way because these were not fights in any sense of the word- they were attacks and anger against me, me trying to defend and defuse. In this case because I said no, lovingly and gently.)

My heart tries desperately to not accept that she is gone, that I wasn't rejected, that I didn't do something 'bad' or I'm not bad.

This is my primary attachment wound doing everything it can to make me go back to her, like hunger makes you seek out food. It leads my mind to believe that I can't live without her, and/or to feel like I'm dying. It almost lead me to end my life over a year ago...if you can believe that.

She was exactly like my mother in her refusal to see me, in her need to control me, in her desire to belittle and inability to be vulnerable- in short, to show love. And now add to that my sexual abuse by a priest.

I opened all this to her...shared it all with her, in my belief in the power of love. The primary attachment would became convinced that she was my partner and she wouldn't intentionally hurt me. When she did, I couldn't believe it still and therefore believed it was my fault. And tried desperately to get her to see me and love me, like she said she did.

It sound like you are doing so much better this second time around. It seems like you have learned some things and are recovering much quicker. That is huge progress!