BDP Mum has passed away, and I'm trying to process

[SarahUK]

Hello, everyone.

My mum died in mid-January, and we had the funeral a few days ago. The family members who were staying have left, and now I am living alone in the house I had shared with my mum for (what turned out to be) a couple of years, after I had health/housing problems - I was saving up and then selling the house that I'd had problems with. My house sale finally went through in early January, just after my mum fell ill - this year I was due to move on at last and sort out my own base.

Instead, here I am in my mum's house (which is also the home my brother and I grew up in), but without my mum :'-(

I think it's fair to say that my mum had uBPD, with early trauma such as physical abuse being a big factor. She also had a lot of obsessive-compulsive behaviours, which intensified in recent years. But it's also true that in many ways she was a lovely woman, in whom different tendencies fought it out. In recent weeks, and especially at the funeral, we've focused on the good things about her, of which there many. I wrote her a eulogy in which I tried to give a tactful nod to the difficult aspects of her life but mainly celebrated her. And I meant every loving word.

But of course there is the other side, the stuff that only came out at home, her impatience and resentment, her anger, her control issues, the discounting, my invisibility in a lot of ways, the times I felt like I was such a non-person in our relationship that I wished I was dead, or wished she was... It was about psychological survival. What I need to do now is find a way to process the FOG I feel - about that, about all the times I couldn't keep my cool in the face of the provocation, about all the ways I dug my heels in psychologically to survive, and so on and on.

It doesn't help that she died from a stroke due to uncontrolled blood pressure. She had a fear of doctors, was sick of medication side effects, and in the end I think decided to back off from their monitoring. But she banned me from talking to her about it because she said it was making her blood pressure worse. So in one (rational) way I know this wasn't my fault. That none of us is perfect and I did what I could, as lovingly as I could, including dropping everything else as soon as she was ill right through to today, to help her in every way I possibly could. But in another (yep, irrational) way I feel like the worst daughter ever, who probably contributed to her mother's death, especially by needing to live with her when she preferred to live alone (kind of, although she hated to feel abandoned, so...).

Has anyone else been through this too? What would be your best insights into how to process this? How to make peace with it?

Thank you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SarahUK,

Let me first say that I am sorry for your loss. It's such a mixed bag of emotions after our mums with BPD pass away. My uBPDm passed quite a few years ago, and I was both filled with grief and relief, but the relief came with guilt and shame attached to it which is just another layer to add onto the already difficult process of grieving.

I had barely started to work on the childhood issues from growing up with so much dysfunction when my mom suddenly died. I had to put aside the work of processing my childhood because I had to process her death. Somehow it all gets mixed up together in the brain, but you need to be kind and patient with you during this time. I'm sure being in the house makes it worse. I always get triggered when I visit my mom's place where my step dad now lives. It's still mom's house and still has her decorating and is much the same.

Do you have the option of sometimes going for a quiet retreat somewhere out in the country to escape whenever you need to?

So glad you posted!
 
Wools

[SarahUK]

Thank you so much, Wools 

A mixed bag is right! I'm so sorry you had those hard experiences, but it does help to know I'm not alone. I know it's common to have regrets and mixed feelings when someone dies, but the uBPD does add quite particular layers, as you say.

At the moment I need to catch up with work, but I'm trying to make sure I see friends and family regularly too. At some point soon, I'll be able to stay with a relative in another (beautiful) area for a weekend or so. And I think I'll invest in a holiday somewhere before too long, right away from everything.

I know I feel nothing but love for my mum now, and I know in her best self she'd forgive me anything / everything too. I know we don't have to get everything right to be loved. I just need to make sure more of me actually *believes* that. Getting away from here for a bit should help with that, you're right.

Thanks for your kindness.

[SarahUK]

Just realised I've put BDP and not BPD in the thread title! That's grief for you... But you all know what I mean 

[HappyChappy]

I recently lost my father so I'm so sorry for your loss, it does and will get easier to cope with.  

I'm glad you mentioned BDP was a typo, I was wondering what the Botswana Democratic Party has to do with anything. Oh btw Ricky Gervais's "After Life" is an excellent UK sitcom dealing with loss, might help ?

[SarahUK]

Thank you, @HappyChappy. I'm so sorry for your loss too. Yes, time should help. I am glad to hear it's doing so for you 

Yes, my mind was running over all the unfortunate things BDP could stand for :-D

I watched the first series of After Life and enjoyed lots about it but a few aspects put me off continuing with further series. But comedy in general is helping me a lot right now - in and amongst the grieving.