Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 08, 2025, 09:44:23 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Done Having Kids  (Read 1133 times)
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« on: February 09, 2022, 10:50:13 AM »

A few months ago I started a thread titled "The Perfect BPD Family"https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350821.0... to try to answer the question about family size dynamics with a BPD parent.  My original wonder was that if having a 3rd child helps the children have more of a buffer to the BPD parent, and selfishly if that would help enrich my life and maybe even buffer me from my uBPDw.  It was overwhelmingly clear from you all that more kids does not make things better for the kids or the parents...

So, I'm starting a new thread to ask- how do I tell a uBPD spouse that I am done having kids- That our two boys are enough and that I won't be giving her the daughter she thinks is guaranteed if we have a 3rd  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  (She knows there's a chance of a 3rd boy but has made the comment if we don't have another she'll never know if we could have had a daughter or not and regret it). 

She's super high functioning, good mom with a great career, so her case to have another is going to be strong.  Please help me make my case!
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2022, 07:53:58 AM »

My uBPDw's case for 3 kids is going to be strong.

She comes from a family of 6 kids
Sister has 4 kids
Sister has 3 kids
Brother has 3 kids
Sister has 2 kids (got divorced so maybe ended at 2)
Sister has 1 kid. (got sick and couldn't have more)

How would you make the case? 
Logged
15years
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 604



« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2022, 08:16:15 AM »

Sorry can't help you, we're in the exact same spot.

Your own conviction is important i guess?

My view on this is IF I'm spending the rest of my life with my wife, I'll at least get another kid since a big family (3-4 children) is a dream for me (and her too). So even though I'm satisfied with two, I know she will convince me to have more if we stay together. Will try to stall it though, I don't want the kids to be too close in age.
Logged
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2022, 08:35:46 AM »


My view on this is IF I'm spending the rest of my life with my wife, I'll at least get another kid since a big family (3-4 children) is a dream for me (and her too).

EXACTLY!   I've had this same thought.  I almost dread being done because "then what"?  That means I'm closer to being an empty nester with a uBPDw.  Which is a bit scary. 

Rationally I know that 2 is lower risk from many aspects - health, financial, mental health, being able to give them both more attention.  But many parents have 3 so my wife will have a valid argument. 
Logged
15years
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 604



« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2022, 05:22:00 AM »

I almost dread being done because "then what"?  That means I'm closer to being an empty nester with a uBPDw.  Which is a bit scary.

Yes that feels scary! And that really makes you question why you stay in the relationship. For the sake of having a family? Maybe it's worth it. Like they say in stop walking on eggshells, the worst alternative for the children is a bad divorce. But maybe the best we can do is to try to make the relationship nice in the present.
Logged
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2022, 08:42:48 AM »

Yes that feels scary! And that really makes you question why you stay in the relationship. For the sake of having a family? Maybe it's worth it. Like they say in stop walking on eggshells, the worst alternative for the children is a bad divorce. But maybe the best we can do is to try to make the relationship nice in the present.

Well I stay in the relationship because of wedding vows and the commitment I made to my uBPDw.  She has serious mental issues that she didn't choose.  And she doesn't engage in infidelity, physical abuse or any major destructive behavior.  It's challenging but I love her and I'm fully in at this point. 

Also, imaging leaving and getting a divorce.  The uBPDs for sure will get another spouse as soon as possible, and your kids will be exposed to that spouse. And that spouse probably will have no idea about BPD and how to properly deal with it. 
Logged
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2022, 06:58:55 AM »

So I've been writing out the script in my head of what I would say to my uBPDw when I tell her we're done having kids - How I think we have a great family right now, even though it's stressful, chance of having a girl is 50%, do you really want a 3rd boy, kids are expensive so fewer vacations, etc. 

BUT THEN I THOUGHT Don't JADE!  I'm struggling with the balance of having a respectful, planned, formal conversation with her and just bluntly saying "we're done" out of anger some weekend when the kids have been acting up the whole time.  I imagine that's how many families do it and then the other parent ends up being resentful forever.  What's the balance here?  Tough question I know!
Logged
finallyout
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 55


« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2022, 03:19:43 PM »

In September last year, I told my ex-gf with BPD that I did not want to have another child. I knew that the reaction would be dramatic, because this would be for her like an abandonment, which would trigger her fears. I did not care about that because I was more or less done with the relationship but did not have the courage to end it for good. So we spent almost a month, either fighting or not talking to each other. She was very hurt and was threatening me with all kind of crazy stuff. I knew she would never stop, and I could not take the stress anymore, so I told her that I would reconsider this matter in about a year. I wanted by that to buy myself some time. It was like setting a timer for a bomb that would explode after a year, and I had to save myself before the timer goes off. And that what I did, I left her in December.

So be prepared for all kind of crazy reactions. Good luck.   
Logged
khibomsis
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Grieving
Posts: 784


« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2022, 03:23:08 PM »

Mitten, if you can get yourself a therapist it would really help support you in this journey. If I were you I wouldn't talk about it at all. Avoid the subject. Set some boundaries instead, eg. "If you yell at the kids I will walk away/remove them from the room/put us all in family therapy" It really doesn't matter what you say, as long as you set a boundary. Boundary setting will irk her and it is unlikely she will come near you for a while. Use the opportunity to visualize the kind of person you can bear to be alone with and your boundaries will flow naturally from that.  
Logged

 
Cat Familiar
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7502



« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2022, 03:39:20 PM »

When do you expect she will bring up the subject?
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2022, 07:48:56 PM »

When do you expect she will bring up the subject?

A couple times a week.  Some days she says she’s “done” but I highly doubt it.  That’s not the BPD way as we all know. 
Logged
Cat Familiar
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7502



« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2022, 09:14:06 PM »

Rather than bringing up the subject, which I assume you wouldn’t, how about asking questions if she seems to want to discuss it.

What would having a third child mean to you?

What about having a daughter is important?

Would you be disappointed by a third boy?

How do you see our financial picture when they all are headed to college?

How could we deal with time constraints when the boys will want to participate in sports and other after school activities? 
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2022, 08:07:32 AM »

Mitten, if you can get yourself a therapist it would really help support you in this journey. If I were you I wouldn't talk about it at all. Avoid the subject. Set some boundaries instead, eg. "If you yell at the kids I will walk away/remove them from the room/put us all in family therapy" It really doesn't matter what you say, as long as you set a boundary. Boundary setting will irk her and it is unlikely she will come near you for a while. Use the opportunity to visualize the kind of person you can bear to be alone with and your boundaries will flow naturally from that.  

I have talked to a therapist in a recent session.  When we spoke I was still deciding if I was done having kids or not and the therapist wasn't going to answer that for me of course.  Their goal was simply to help me process what I wanted.  I was trying to come up with a point of view so that when my uBPDw brought up the topic of having another kid, I would be ready with a strong answer.  Honestly I'm still grieving the thought of being done, and feel I could be easily persuaded to have another.  (my wife is high functioning so fortunately we don't have the super intense BPD traits... otherwise having more kids would be completely reckless). 
Logged
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #13 on: February 14, 2022, 08:11:00 AM »

In September last year, I told my ex-gf with BPD that I did not want to have another child. I knew that the reaction would be dramatic, because this would be for her like an abandonment, which would trigger her fears. I did not care about that because I was more or less done with the relationship but did not have the courage to end it for good. So we spent almost a month, either fighting or not talking to each other. She was very hurt and was threatening me with all kind of crazy stuff. I knew she would never stop, and I could not take the stress anymore, so I told her that I would reconsider this matter in about a year. I wanted by that to buy myself some time. It was like setting a timer for a bomb that would explode after a year, and I had to save myself before the timer goes off. And that what I did, I left her in December.

So be prepared for all kind of crazy reactions. Good luck.   

Yup, why do you think I'm so worried about this topic? I'm anticipating the FOG...  3 kids isn't completely unreasonable to most people.  Most people have 2 or 3 kids.  In the area I live it slants to bigger families, so 3 is completely the standard.  Plus, I won't be "giving her the daughter" she has always wanted if we don't at least "try for a girl"...
Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4111



« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2022, 10:14:47 AM »

Hey mitten;

Just sharing my process from the last couple years. I knew back when DH and I started dating that he could no longer have kids. At the time (I had just turned 25 back then) I "heard" it and "understood" it but the fullness of it didn't hit until a couple years ago. I don't have a PD  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) and it has been deeply painful to come to terms with what it really means that the two of us will not have an "us" child, as surgery/finances are not viable. DH is sad for what that means for me, yet for him he knows he's done and personally doesn't really want another child, so it's more about the sadness for me than for him. Parenting has also been a painful experience for him so he wasn't super interested in that possibility again, even though much of the pain comes from the fact that the kids' mom is disordered.

We have talked about fostering/adoption; my past year has been pretty rough so I haven't really wanted to, but it's an option on the table if/when things settle down. The kids are 13/15 (both nearly 14/16 now) so it wouldn't be crazy to have more bandwidth in a few years, if we wanted to try adoption/fostering.

I guess all that is to say that (a) even though it's neither DH nor I with a PD, just having a pwPD involved as the kids' other parent (OK, well, there are 2 pwPD's -- their stepdad is strongly uNPD) has made parenting so exhausting and depleting that the thought of adding another kid to the mix, even "ours", is too much. And, (b), the grieving process is real and will be so for your wife, too, though "tinged" with her PD lenses. It isn't hitting me as hard now as a couple years ago, but every now and then it does, and back then, not to minimize anyone else's experience, but back then it felt like having a child die, and in a sense it was the dream of a little being that came from us, and it felt really real to lose that.

Excerpt
I was trying to come up with a point of view so that when my uBPDw brought up the topic of having another kid, I would be ready with a strong answer

CF's idea is a good one -- rather than "Having The Talk" where You Tell Her You're Done... keep it less severe, less intense. Make it more about process and understanding, than about announcements. See what's wrapped up in her desire -- you're already understanding that there's something about having a daughter that feels important to her. For me, I wish DH and I could have a son, partly because girls have been a challenge (though wonderful too), partly because I think DH would be a good dad to a son, partly probably for reasons I haven't unraveled yet. I suspect pwBPD don't respond well (understatement) to "strong answers", yet at the same time "pretending" you feel some way you don't is not how you want to go. I think the "curiosity" questions can soften the interaction so that the chances of a blowup reaction to The Statement That We Are Done decrease. A blowup isn't going to help the two of you find common ground, so a process of understanding/curiosity, coupled with your knowledge that working through "have a kid or not" is a long-term (re: years) process, could be a better way to go.

And do consider if you would be open to adoption down the road -- if you truly want more kids and don't want to close that door, yet "not now" and you need some more time to think. Though adoption comes with some pretty intense challenges of its own. Plus, if there's something about parenting a daughter that is important to your wife, odds are better of adding a girl to the family via adoption vs naturally. I say all that with caution, as adoption "solves" one concern (having a daughter) but does NOT solve other questions or long-term issues.

It's really hard that your W's functionality is "almost" OK. I get that in a way it'd be "easier" if she were less high functioning -- but it's this gray area. Give yourself some time through "curiosity" questions and feel out more of what's driving her, without committing one way or the other. If it's not clear now, it's possible that you're still "in the process" and that with time you'll have more clarity. After >2 years I'm accepting with more clarity that DH and I will not be having a child of our own; ~2 years ago I was NOT there. Hope you can be patient with yourself and your W. This is a big question to work through.

Anyway, maybe that was rambling. Hope you find some helpful food for thought in there.
Logged
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2022, 10:29:54 AM »


And do consider if you would be open to adoption down the road -- if you truly want more kids and don't want to close that door, yet "not now" and you need some more time to think.

Thanks kells!  Before I was married to my BPD wife I always thought I would like to adopt.  However, since I found out about BPD two years ago I thought adoption by a BPD parent could be a disaster... but maybe it's actually worth rethinking.  It is after-all, the only real way to choose the gender. ;)

I do feel some pressure about timing.  My wife has mentioned getting pregnant this October so the kids are all spaced out about 2.5 years apart.  So the clock is ticking!  Speaking of clock, the other case she makes is her age and biological clock so she is unwilling to wait.  She's almost 36. 
Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4111



« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2022, 11:22:08 AM »

I get it about facing reality about the biological clock. I wasn't even "trying" to feel that way over the last couple of years, it just hit pretty hard. There's something to that biological reality. I'm in a similar age bracket as your W, and my H is ~8 years older than me, so it felt really like "now or never" if we were going to invest the $ to make it happen. So, many aspects of your W's concerns are "fair" and "normal", though possibly escalated in intensity by BPD.

Have you asked her about her thoughts on adoption? I'm wondering if she is coming from a perspective of "why would we adopt when we have this one last chance to have another kid of our own"? Or, maybe she would see it as "I'd be open to that if we aren't successful in getting pregnant this year". IDK.

I do get it that the timing adds pressure; plus, if I'm remembering correctly, you aren't totally opposed to having another kid, it's more your W's BPD that's the sticky wicket.

And then she has said this:

Excerpt
She knows there's a chance of a 3rd boy but has made the comment if we don't have another she'll never know if we could have had a daughter or not and regret it

So regret is going to be a part of this process for both of you, I suspect, even if you did go ahead and have a 3rd kid. If the 3rd kid were a boy, there might be disappointment/regret tinging that mom-son relationship, which wouldn't be positive for the kid. Even if the 3rd kid were a girl, who's to say that your W wouldn't be like "see, we can have girls, and I want her to have a sister, so we should try for one more". At some point, parents make the decision, conscious or not, to be done, and even if it's after "having the last kid that we both agreed on", there is still grief and loss to process with that change from the "having kids" phase of life to "done having kids" phase.

That's maybe where the BPD comes in. She will feel normal feelings of regret, grief, loss (loss of what it means to be able to have kids/to age, loss of "the babies we could have had" which for me was big, etc), but it's likely that the BPD will make her unable to process those feelings in a healthy way. She may try instead to have an external thing fix the feelings for her. Even if you've had a 3rd kid and it's a girl, still, the time will come when the grief and loss show up, and the fact that you've had a daughter isn't going to be the "finally happy" thing she thought it would be. So what's she going to do then? Will she want a 4th kid? Will she turn some other direction to "fix her feelings"? If the 3rd child is a son, will he be the target of her unprocessed feelings of grief and regret? I think that shouldn't be dismissed as a possibility... that a 3rd son could be a scapegoat child: "We would've been a perfect family if you were a girl". Maybe not explicit, but possibly implicit "vibes". Again, not a guarantee, just something to think about.

So maybe this thread is about not just "making an announcement" but finding ways for you both to cope with deep grief, disappointment, and regret, whenever it comes to your lives, which it will.

I wish I had answers for you about the timing. It's a real thing to navigate. All I can share is that I felt a lot of urgency, too, and a profound sense grief of losing actual children when it became clear that DH and I were not going to try. I don't know an easy way to have that conversation with someone with BPD. All I can fall back on is asking a lot of low-intensity questions to genuinely try to understand her more, and understand what having a daughter would mean to her. Help her feel more understood for starters.

Hope this rambling helps... this is a really great conversation for the board.

kells76
Logged
mitten
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 292


« Reply #17 on: February 26, 2022, 12:19:03 PM »


Hope this rambling helps... this is a really great conversation for the board.

kells76

It helps Kells and it really makes me think.  I read this the minute you posted it but for some reason your posts make me really need to ponder things before responding. 

I'll pretty much be 40 if we have another child in a year and a half... so I should consider my age as well.  The other day my wife and I were having a great day.  She said "if you asked me today I'd want a 3rd child".   Which she often goes back and forth on saying 2 or 3 depending on the day.  Even when she says 2, I know she will want 3... because BPD duh haha.  She then said we have about 6-8 months to decide... because our clocks are ticking. 

Ever since I found out about BPD I dismissed adoption as an option because I wasn't sure it was fair to bring a child into a BPD family who probably already has a little trauma exposure.  But maybe it is still an option.  And  a way to get that daughter after-all. ;)

I'm trying to live with the idea of being done with 2 right now just to see how it feels.  A part of me obviously wonders if I would wish we had another...  But then the rational side of me says kids are soo expensive!

 
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5791



« Reply #18 on: February 26, 2022, 01:41:46 PM »

So to combine the considerations of age and expense...do you want to be 62 years old with a child in college? That's getting close to retirement age.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!