I think my ex partner has BPD

[alex_a]

I've just been through a very difficult 18 months. I didn't understand what was happening and thought us not being happy together is all my fault. Only now after the break up and opening up to people about what happened someone has brought up BPD. I've cried reading posts from 'the other side' as I finally felt like I had my feelings validated, realising that I may not be this bad, broken person I've become to believe I am.

He has not been diagnosed for BPD and there are a few things that aren't fully him (at least not form my experience) but this is what I've experienced/he has shared with me:

-  I thought he was the one. The love was SO intense. From the first moment. In the early months he would say he sees me as the mother of children. That we are so lucky and most people don't experience this kind of happiness. That the sex we have is the best he has ever had.

-  He would talk about me like I am superwoman. To me and also to my friends. I felt like I was put on a pedestal. I struggled with this a little as I worried I can't live up to the expectations.

-  He has struggled with severe anxiety. Social usually. Did say he feels like 'people are out to get him' when out, although I think more often it was a feeling of being overwhelmed and thinking everyone is judging him

-  Low self esteem, would say he doesn't know why I love him so much

-  What I thought weren't a big arguments usually ended in a huge emotional storm. He never yelled at me or put me down, but the emotional response felt inappropriate. Ran out of a venues and emotionally accused me of 'who even are you, not running after me'. Yelled my name dramatically on a street, mentioned self harm. Once in an argument he hit himself in a head so hard we had to go to a&e.

-  Never been directly mean or rude but somehow I felt he started to mention sides to me he used to love in a way that would leave me feeling like I need to tune them down. That I need to change them. That I am 'too strong', 'flirty', 'too sociable', 'too energetic', 'too chatty'. At the beginning it felt like a praise, later it felt a bit left handed, as it would be often in comparison to him. E.g. "You are a beautiful strong person, but I am very sensitive and you have to be more gentle with me". Meanwhile I felt like I was threading on eggshells and wouldn't even say a word that could come across 'too strong'

-  He would never admit to it during the relationship or confront me about it, but somehow over time I started to feel a bit guilty about spending time with friends. I worried about how he would feel if I went away for a weekend. Again he never told me not to, but somehow I felt like it would hurt him if I kept doing those things and didn't priorities him. He would say he likes alone time and wants that and in some ways make me believe that I am the one who wants to spend too much time together. Can't even explain it really, maybe I was the problem.

-  He broke up with me just before we were to move in together. He then saw me on a street five weeks later in a foreign country and reached out to me. Saying he is in a really dark place since he saw me, that he realised he is obsessed with me, that it feels like an addiction. They way he said it suggested he believed I had an addiction to it too. That I was seeking the intensity and always wanted to reconnect. Having thought about it a lot I think he felt this because I felt when he was detaching and I tried to get back to the wonderful place but he somehow 'blocked' the intimacy. I am very affectionate and it's something he loved to start with, towards the end of the relationship he again said it in a way that made me think it's a bad thing.

-  We've had issues all along but everything got 20x worse when stated to do long distance for three months. We would see each other every two weeks. He would be fine than detached, then fine again then breakdown saying he is at his lowest point and we need to break up. One day say 'thank you for being my special person' then next time I would see him he couldn't even look me in the eye.

-  He would often say he is living in so much pain, that he know some people don't want to be around him because he has so much darkness

-  He would often say 'I have magical powers' that just my presence makes his anxieties better. That he sleeps better next to me.

-  Sometimes he would do beautiful big gestures, others I was worried to ask for help. He called me princess once.  


He didn't trust me from the beginning, would say I am a 'risk'. Then made me question if I am maybe sending wrong signals to my friends and they end up falling in love with me. I ended up agreeing with him and started to control completely how I behave. I became an anxious mess. I then started to worry about his intentions. He is extremely attractive and had a lot of girls approach him, I felt like he would be always charming, sometimes exchange looks and it started to get to me. He would always re-assure me that he isn't flirting and say thing like 'You are the only person I want to be with and I have never been so sure of it'. I thought all our issues were because of me. Because I started to feel insecure or because I would pick up on things that were happening. He would never really admit to my feelings being valid. He wouldn't say they weren't valid but he would be very soft and sweet and say everything is ok and what happened isn't what I think. Then few days or weeks later would admit my 'feeling' was based on what was happening.

There were some small things that I often would think about. Like he would do these really big child/puppy like eyes on me.

He has a very difficult relationship with his mum and was bullied in boarding school. He doesn't have angry outbursts but told me his mum used to tell him he has anger issues as a child. Maybe he learnt to keep it inside instead?

I thought he was the most beautiful person, who could feel moments so intensely. With time though I would see this other side come out, when he would almost change the way he speaks and I really struggled to 'feel close' to him. Would talk a lot about himself, not ask me much. If I spoke I felt like he is just waiting to say the next thing and would say 'yeah' and 'ohhh nice' over me all the time.

I know I am not a saint and that I have my own issues (I. tend to shut down in arguments) and that me being very independent and fun-loving didn't always help. I think I tried to get him involved in social situations too much and made his struggles worse. That I would pick up on every little thing and put too much focus on it. That maybe I went straight into the role of the carer and went on with the narrative.

We've reconnected recently and it was beautiful, we said we wouldn't get back together. He was going to come back to see me and then called me a few days later to 'talk about the purpose of his trip' and stone cold told me I am pushing him to be in a relationship and he can't be in one. I said I am not and got frustrated. He said why are you getting mad I am just trying to have an honest and open conversation, I said it's ok but don't put words in my mouth. He continued saying I said it and then 'quoted me' and when I pushed back he said he wished he had recorded me. I had to hang up. He then messaged me saying I pushed him to buy the flights, to which I've responded that I can't do this anymore and ended up blocking him in the panic and shock. He has then tried to charge me for his flights and blocked me everywhere else. Sent me a very 'business like' email. One that again felt very manipulative and quite dark in a way. He apologised for hurting me again but it sounded more like I am making it up that he is hurting me.

Does this sound like someone with BPD or am I just trying to make myself feel better by looking for explanations? I was a very happy person before we met. With a big social circle, no signs of anxiety, healthy confidence and lots of energy. During the relationship I became anxious, depressed and feeling like I am anything but great. I isolated from my close friends and family.

I have been talking to a therapist and I am starting to feel better, but I find it hard to stop thinking about my future life without him. I thought he was the one.

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[Biggus]

Does this sound like someone with BPD or am I just trying to make myself feel better by looking for explanations? I was a very happy person before we met. With a big social circle, no signs of anxiety, healthy confidence and lots of energy. During the relationship I became anxious, depressed and feeling like I am anything but great. I isolated from my close friends and family.

Hi Alex_a! 

That must have been exhausting. It's especially hard to read how you recognize the change in you during and after this relationship. But just so you know it's not your fault this relationship was so unhappy. You were built up, then you were taken down. It's only very natural that you want to understand what happened and why you're feeling like this now.

What you describe here in details is splitting, experiencing things in a very black and white way after a certain point of proximity has been reached. First he says he even sleeps better because of you, and a little later you start to be the source of his problems. It's always you causing the problems because he's the fragile and sensitive one. And because you obviously want him to feel good again, you go along with everything he says. According to what you wrote your ex could have BPD but to know for sure he should be diagnosed. It's not that important to name his problem exactly. I can't tell if my ex has BPD, as she didn't have most traits connected to it, but her splitting episodes made me feel like I was played like a yo-yo. Much like yours my ex wasn't mean or rude either, but nevertheless I was left feeling the very same feelings you do now, and I blamed myself for a long time.

It's good to find answers and some clarity, because that helps you to move on, but what is really important for you is to get you back on your feet, to feel good about yourself and life again.

You said "... I find it hard to stop thinking about my future life without him. I thought he was the one." There's a great line in an old film 'The Accidental Tourist'. The main character explains a change in his perspective to his borderline-like wife: "Maybe it's not just how much you love someone. Maybe what matters is who you are when you're with them."