Anyone else feel totally alone in the grief? Help :(

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been one month since my partner of 18 months left me, in a horrific, cold and unexpected way.  I haven't heard since. Oh boy, I feel alone in the grief today.

There have been many hard days since the split, but today is by far the worst. When I feel bad, I tend to gravitate TOWARDS people. However, not many people understand what being with a pwBPD is like. Other than my therapist, and members of this group, I'm not sure many understand what it feels to ride the rollercoaster that we ride.

When I've felt my emotions out loud, or stayed in the relationship when it was so clearly destructive, others have NOT been able to understand why or why I can't change things. I've been in therapy twice weekly for two years and I STILL can't understand why I feel certain things!

People's lack of understanding when it comes to BPD relationship breakdowns means the majority of 'my people' feel very unapproachable, and leaves me feeling very alone in grief.

I remind myself daily of ALL the bad, the toll the relationship took on me, the responsibility I have in not taking part in a toxic relationship, the effect on her mental health, and all the good that is yet to come. Yet, today, ALL I want is to have her back beside me. 

I have been in plenty of totally 'normal' relationships. I had the best marriage in the world to the best guy on earth (till I realised I was gay), yet despite how dysfunctional our relationship was, I can't imagine myself being with anyone else in the world. There will never be anyone else like her, she possessed so many unique and wondering characteristics. I just CANNOT come to terms with the fact that we will never be together again, and there is not a future together. My heart is BROKEN (though not fully broken, because the denial I am in is not allowing reality to truly set in).

Has anyone else felt SO frustrated when you can't match logic with your emotions? Logic doesn't take the pain and longing away.

I am so appreciative of this place. It is the only way I haven't been alone in this process.

[Learningtolove]

It's been one month since my partner of 18 months left me, in a horrific, cold and unexpected way.  I haven't heard since. Oh boy, I feel alone in the grief today.

There have been many hard days since the split, but today is by far the worst. When I feel bad, I tend to gravitate TOWARDS people. However, not many people understand what being with a pwBPD is like. Other than my therapist, and members of this group, I'm not sure many understand what it feels to ride the rollercoaster that we ride.

When I've felt my emotions out loud, or stayed in the relationship when it was so clearly destructive, others have NOT been able to understand why or why I can't change things. I've been in therapy twice weekly for two years and I STILL can't understand why I feel certain things!

People's lack of understanding when it comes to BPD relationship breakdowns means the majority of 'my people' feel very unapproachable, and leaves me feeling very alone in grief.

I remind myself daily of ALL the bad, the toll the relationship took on me, the responsibility I have in not taking part in a toxic relationship, the effect on her mental health, and all the good that is yet to come. Yet, today, ALL I want is to have her back beside me. 

I have been in plenty of totally 'normal' relationships. I had the best marriage in the world to the best guy on earth (till I realised I was gay), yet despite how dysfunctional our relationship was, I can't imagine myself being with anyone else in the world. There will never be anyone else like her, she possessed so many unique and wondering characteristics. I just CANNOT come to terms with the fact that we will never be together again, and there is not a future together. My heart is BROKEN (though not fully broken, because the denial I am in is not allowing reality to truly set in).

Has anyone else felt SO frustrated when you can't match logic with your emotions? Logic doesn't take the pain and longing away.

I am so appreciative of this place. It is the only way I haven't been alone in this process.

[So many questions]

I’m sorry you are struggling. One month is so fresh and new still, you’re battling the addiction withdrawals you had with this person.

I just want to say what no one told me. They will be back. Maybe when they’re lonely or bored or the grass wasn’t greener. They’ll come back in some sort of way. And I hope you have the courage to ignore them or set boundaries. I let mine back into my life only to be discarded again and it feels like the break up all over again.

You can get through. I still miss my ex every second of every day. But I’m coming to terms with never being with her again. It would make life so hard

[ILMBPDC]

I just want to say what no one told me. They will be back. Maybe when they’re lonely or bored or the grass wasn’t greener. They’ll come back in some sort of way. And I hope you have the courage to ignore them or set boundaries. I let mine back into my life only to be discarded again and it feels like the break up all over again.

This 100%. When Mine broke his own NC to contact me I  thought I was healed - I wasn't. I slipped right back into the dysfunction. Do yourself a favor and work on your healing and also say no when they com back - its not worth it

[Kaufmann]

Has anyone else felt SO frustrated when you can't match logic with your emotions? Logic doesn't take the pain and longing away.

Yes, absolutely. Your brain knows how bad this person is for you, but your heart doesn't give a damn.

I can relate to your story. I was obssessed with my ex for so long. The whole time she would tell me she loved me and keep sleeping with another man. I KNEW that I deserved better, I knew that I could do better than her, and yet the pain never went away, never lessened. It's hell, and I've been there, and I'm so sorry for your pain.

One thing that helped me was realizing that figuring her out would never heal me. I realized that I was broken and that I needed to attend to my own brokenness. Deep down, I didn't believe, don't believe, I deserve love, and that allowed me to remain with an abusive person. An abusive person whom I still love.

[Learningtolove]

Yes, absolutely. Your brain knows how bad this person is for you, but your heart doesn't give a damn.

You are so right. What an awful juxtaposition.

I still can't imagine that she WILL be back. She has been known not to return to others she's ghosted, and I really can't imagine that she would return. But I need to stop WANTING that. Somehow!

Thank you all <3

[jaded7]

It's been one month since my partner of 18 months left me, in a horrific, cold and unexpected way.  I haven't heard since. Oh boy, I feel alone in the grief today.

There have been many hard days since the split, but today is by far the worst. When I feel bad, I tend to gravitate TOWARDS people. However, not many people understand what being with a pwBPD is like. Other than my therapist, and members of this group, I'm not sure many understand what it feels to ride the rollercoaster that we ride.

When I've felt my emotions out loud, or stayed in the relationship when it was so clearly destructive, others have NOT been able to understand why or why I can't change things. I've been in therapy twice weekly for two years and I STILL can't understand why I feel certain things!

People's lack of understanding when it comes to BPD relationship breakdowns means the majority of 'my people' feel very unapproachable, and leaves me feeling very alone in grief.

I remind myself daily of ALL the bad, the toll the relationship took on me, the responsibility I have in not taking part in a toxic relationship, the effect on her mental health, and all the good that is yet to come. Yet, today, ALL I want is to have her back beside me. 

I have been in plenty of totally 'normal' relationships. I had the best marriage in the world to the best guy on earth (till I realised I was gay), yet despite how dysfunctional our relationship was, I can't imagine myself being with anyone else in the world. There will never be anyone else like her, she possessed so many unique and wondering characteristics. I just CANNOT come to terms with the fact that we will never be together again, and there is not a future together. My heart is BROKEN (though not fully broken, because the denial I am in is not allowing reality to truly set in).

Has anyone else felt SO frustrated when you can't match logic with your emotions? Logic doesn't take the pain and longing away.

I am so appreciative of this place. It is the only way I haven't been alone in this process.

2 years for me. And I still can't get the logic to penetrate my heart. I miss her everyday, and think about her constantly. Reality will not set in, I can't let go.

I keep thinking she'll come to her senses, reach out to apologize for the horrible things she called me and the terrible, thoughtless and cruel things she did, the lies and the gaslighting...over the phone, then     done. Never spoke again.

It's so hard to let this go, I feel you. We can't be alone.

I keep the Christmas present I bought her and was so excited to give her on my chair, the one I never gave her because she left town for Christmas at her Mom and Dad's place, where I had gone with her the previous Christmas...left town without saying a word to me, no text, no call.

I think this is related to my attachment issues from childhood. This is where I need to look. I believe this is why I can't let go.

What do you think of that for you?

[justcantgiveup]

I'm new here and have been reading the tips and the threads and most of it resonates in some way with me but your post mirrors my feelings completely. It is only within the last few months that I have figured out that my bf almost certainly has BPD. I read Stop Walking On Eggshells and it was like reading about my life. After 3 years of constant conflict, of having every thought and feeling dismissed and invalidated, of being falsely accused of constant cheating and being completely misrepresented as some kind of horrible person, I finally drew the line yesterday and surrendered. I gave up. I tried everything I could to hold my relationship together but my bf's behavior has been escalating and I think I have reached a point where it is just not healthy to keep trying. It's only been 24 hours without contact but that is as long as we have ever gone. I feel like I have lost half of myself. My logical self knows that I need to protect myself. In addition to being verbally and emotionally abusive to me he has crossed the line into physical intimidation and on one occasion physical abuse. And I still miss him terribly. I am trying to do the right things but my heart is so broken. I keep finding myself wondering if it was really as bad as I think [it definitely was]. I'm trying to remember all of the bad parts but my heart just longs for the loving, affectionate person he can sometimes be. I'm also feeling guilt that I have given up on him. I have always tried to not take the terrible things he says to me to heart as I have come to learn that it is the BPD and not a reflection of me but things have just gotten so much worse. I need to know that I will someday be ok again because it doesn't feel like I ever will. I try to talk to myself as I would a friend. If someone described the reality I have been living with I would encourage them to run the other way and yet I find it so hard to picture not being with this man forever. I am lucky to have support in my life but I think they have a hard time understanding why it is so hard for me to walk away. And logically I understand that completely. My heart is not logical at all though. I have never felt so alone.

[So many questions]

I'm new here and have been reading the tips and the threads and most of it resonates in some way with me but your post mirrors my feelings completely. It is only within the last few months that I have figured out that my bf almost certainly has BPD. I read Stop Walking On Eggshells and it was like reading about my life. After 3 years of constant conflict, of having every thought and feeling dismissed and invalidated, of being falsely accused of constant cheating and being completely misrepresented as some kind of horrible person, I finally drew the line yesterday and surrendered. I gave up. I tried everything I could to hold my relationship together but my bf's behavior has been escalating and I think I have reached a point where it is just not healthy to keep trying. It's only been 24 hours without contact but that is as long as we have ever gone. I feel like I have lost half of myself. My logical self knows that I need to protect myself. In addition to being verbally and emotionally abusive to me he has crossed the line into physical intimidation and on one occasion physical abuse. And I still miss him terribly. I am trying to do the right things but my heart is so broken. I keep finding myself wondering if it was really as bad as I think [it definitely was]. I'm trying to remember all of the bad parts but my heart just longs for the loving, affectionate person he can sometimes be. I'm also feeling guilt that I have given up on him. I have always tried to not take the terrible things he says to me to heart as I have come to learn that it is the BPD and not a reflection of me but things have just gotten so much worse. I need to know that I will someday be ok again because it doesn't feel like I ever will. I try to talk to myself as I would a friend. If someone described the reality I have been living with I would encourage them to run the other way and yet I find it so hard to picture not being with this man forever. I am lucky to have support in my life but I think they have a hard time understanding why it is so hard for me to walk away. And logically I understand that completely. My heart is not logical at all though. I have never felt so alone.

Good for you setting boundaries and walking away. It will be the best decision you ever made..please stick to it.  I never did. I held on to any bit of hope for over a year. Even after the break up, I held on hoping we could work it out. She’d come back, discard, come back, discard - and now she’s found my replacement. She doesn’t even speak to me. I dont exist.  She relied on me for emotional support and I’ve been replaced overnight, my use is no longer needed. No matter how many times she lied, disappeared, called me the worst-most-hurtful things you can say to someone, discovered cheating; I held on. And eventually it all exploded in my face.

All the built pain came out in my reaction to her most explosive episode - and it nearly ruined my life. Some in my community think I’m some abusive psycho but the reality is - I was abused for 16 months. She hit me when I discovered the infidelity. She manipulated me into someone I’m not. She lied, betrayed me, then acted like I was controlling for confronting her.  She acts like she was the victim and uses the night of our break up as means to excuse all her behavior. Yet I still hold on.

 Your trauma bound. Addicted. Just like most of us. The highs are so high and scarce and fleeting, they amplify how good it feels. We beat ourselves up and negate our feelings, just hoping we get that sweet, affectionate person. It’s the ultimate chase. We swear we can love them enough. Shower them with love and they’ll realize how much we care and change. Never. Doing that has the opposite effect yet pulling back triggers even worse response. It is impossible.

I wonder every day why God put someone so hurtful in my life. I wonder why I still yearn for them. Even after she’s replaced me. I wonder how I became so unloving of myself that I would accept being treated that way.

They’re charismatic, charming, able to mirror exactly what we want. The intimacy is unmatched. The fire they have for life is infectious. The words  they say seem so genuine and perfectly in-line with everything we could ever dream of. The way they laugh and love when they’re not effected by this complex disorder - is intoxicating.

But what I’m having to learn, there’s more to a person and a relationship than all of that. I have to remind myself of the horrible nights by myself, wondering where she is, wondering what she’s doing. Her not responding. Lying. Black out drunk. When I would confront her she would call me controlling and push further away. She said I was untrusting and jealous yet she was someone who absolutely could not be trusted.

This person will ruin your life. Stay away. They don’t love you. They don’t need you. You were a useful prop catering to their needs and voids; while simultaneously voiding yourself if any self-worth. I wish I never met her. I don’t hate her. She is the love of my life. No one will ever make me feel how she did. But I still wish I never met her.

I pray for you and wish you well in this journey. It has been the hardest moment of my life. And every hour is a battle. I hope you are stronger than I. Best of luck. And if you haven’t heard it; you’re loved and appreciated.

[justcantgiveup]

Good for you setting boundaries and walking away. It will be the best decision you ever made..please stick to it.  I never did. I held on to any bit of hope for over a year. Even after the break up, I held on hoping we could work it out. She’d come back, discard, come back, discard - and now she’s found my replacement. She doesn’t even speak to me. I dont exist.  She relied on me for emotional support and I’ve been replaced overnight, my use is no longer needed. No matter how many times she lied, disappeared, called me the worst-most-hurtful things you can say to someone, discovered cheating; I held on. And eventually it all exploded in my face.

All the built pain came out in my reaction to her most explosive episode - and it nearly ruined my life. Some in my community think I’m some abusive psycho but the reality is - I was abused for 16 months. She hit me when I discovered the infidelity. She manipulated me into someone I’m not. She lied, betrayed me, then acted like I was controlling for confronting her.  She acts like she was the victim and uses the night of our break up as means to excuse all her behavior. Yet I still hold on.

 Your trauma bound. Addicted. Just like most of us. The highs are so high and scarce and fleeting, they amplify how good it feels. We beat ourselves up and negate our feelings, just hoping we get that sweet, affectionate person. It’s the ultimate chase. We swear we can love them enough. Shower them with love and they’ll realize how much we care and change. Never. Doing that has the opposite effect yet pulling back triggers even worse response. It is impossible.

I wonder every day why God put someone so hurtful in my life. I wonder why I still yearn for them. Even after she’s replaced me. I wonder how I became so unloving of myself that I would accept being treated that way.

They’re charismatic, charming, able to mirror exactly what we want. The intimacy is unmatched. The fire they have for life is infectious. The words  they say seem so genuine and perfectly in-line with everything we could ever dream of. The way they laugh and love when they’re not effected by this complex disorder - is intoxicating.

But what I’m having to learn, there’s more to a person and a relationship than all of that. I have to remind myself of the horrible nights by myself, wondering where she is, wondering what she’s doing. Her not responding. Lying. Black out drunk. When I would confront her she would call me controlling and push further away. She said I was untrusting and jealous yet she was someone who absolutely could not be trusted.

This person will ruin your life. Stay away. They don’t love you. They don’t need you. You were a useful prop catering to their needs and voids; while simultaneously voiding yourself if any self-worth. I wish I never met her. I don’t hate her. She is the love of my life. No one will ever make me feel how she did. But I still wish I never met her.

I pray for you and wish you well in this journey. It has been the hardest moment of my life. And every hour is a battle. I hope you are stronger than I. Best of luck. And if you haven’t heard it; you’re loved and appreciated.

Thank you so much for responding so thoughtfully to my post. It makes me feel a little less alone to hear the stories of others in a similar situation. I've spent years trying to find my way through this mess. I hope you can harness the strength inside you and come out on the other side. I hope that for myself too. Thank you again.

[Learningtolove]

2 years for me. And I still can't get the logic to penetrate my heart. I miss her everyday, and think about her constantly. Reality will not set in, I can't let go.

I keep thinking she'll come to her senses, reach out to apologize for the horrible things she called me and the terrible, thoughtless and cruel things she did, the lies and the gaslighting...over the phone, then     done. Never spoke again.

It's so hard to let this go, I feel you. We can't be alone.

I keep the Christmas present I bought her and was so excited to give her on my chair, the one I never gave her because she left town for Christmas at her Mom and Dad's place, where I had gone with her the previous Christmas...left town without saying a word to me, no text, no call.

I think this is related to my attachment issues from childhood. This is where I need to look. I believe this is why I can't let go.

What do you think of that for you?

I'm so sorry that things are still hard two years later. Funny that you mention attachment issues. I have done (am still doing) twice weekly therapy for the last two years, and one of the first things I learnt about was arrested attachment (and that it was a massive issue growing up for me).. And it was clear that patterns had formed my whole life where I was VERY scared of being abandoned, so much so that it had no allowed me to create me own sense of self (I was pleasing everyone else and adopting their personalities so they would like me enough to stay).

So yep, attachment issues are definitely my vice (they are possible to heal though, and i've come a LONG way to heal them so far).

[jaded7]

I'm so sorry that things are still hard two years later. Funny that you mention attachment issues. I have done (am still doing) twice weekly therapy for the last two years, and one of the first things I learnt about was arrested attachment (and that it was a massive issue growing up for me).. And it was clear that patterns had formed my whole life where I was VERY scared of being abandoned, so much so that it had no allowed me to create me own sense of self (I was pleasing everyone else and adopting their personalities so they would like me enough to stay).

So yep, attachment issues are definitely my vice (they are possible to heal though, and i've come a LONG way to heal them so far).

Yes, the attachment issues. And the accompanying abandonment issues in adulthood. This is me. And I've said elsewhere, and my therapist has confirmed, it is a product of my relationship with my mother and the home environment growing up.

Now, I also know the BPD is related to abandonment fears. And I've gone over this in depth with my therapist, asking her if I'm BPD, in all sincerity. And she has told me repeatedly that I'm definitely not. This was a huge fear of mine.

She said that given my upbringing (and sexual abuse as a child, which causes me to be so careful with sex and feel really vulnerable with it), this is to be expected that I am traumatized by abandonment, and that I would allow and feel I deserve to be yelled at, belittled and blamed. Such was my childhood. There is a normal abandonment fear that is not related to BPD.

The fact that I had a partner who repeatedly abandoned me- emotionally, physically, spiritually- makes sense, as I was operating from that injured place inside of me.

And I think it helps explain this two year rumination, suffering, and PTSD.

I know that I did not show the BPD-like extreme behaviors associated with abandonment. I never called and texted her repeatedly and desperately when she went into silence and ignoring mode. I know I never yelled at her and belittled her when she did this. I never called her names.

I was just confused, constantly. Does she love me, or does she despise me? Am I worthy, or am I totally unworthy?