Getting ready to walk away

[Goldcrest]

Hey all,

I'm pretty dysregulated at the moment after my two week no contact with my uBPD ended at the weekend. A lot can happen in two weeks with a borderline and indeed it has. The flying monkey who is after my dad's estate has persuaded my mum to use her brother (the flying monkeys brother isn't a solicitor) to sort probate on dad's estate (the bank were going to do it). They now want me to sign over Executorship to simplify things as both my mother and I are named executors. Should I be suspicious about my giving up executorship? My dad left everything to my mother. My brother and I only inherit on her death and as you know this is a constant threat (the changing of the Will).

I was always due to visit this weekend as two of my nieces, whom I haven't met are coming to the UK. I will be meeting them, along with my mother on the Sunday. You may recall that before my dad's death I was no contact with my brother for 14 years and so never got to meet my nieces I am now in healthy and supportive contact with my brother with plenty validation on the horrors of our childhood.

I feel sick, can't sleep, can feel my mental health is really suffering. In the two weeks of no contact with my mum I felt depressed, depressed because I could feel my own deep hurt at my appalling childhood and the feeling of being discarded and alone. The depression didn't bother me, it simply served to show the void. A void that needs filling with ME and not my mother. I really feel I need to walk away from this   show.

So Saturday I have a long drive to see my mother, and see her with a woman I don't trust, who is deeply embedded in my mothers life and whose family have been very present in key decisions (when my brother and I are shut out). I do believe that the signing over of executorship is simply to make organising probate quicker. I live a long way from my mother so I can't just pop around to sign papers. I haven't seen my dad's will but since asking to see it she has become VERY paranoid.

On Sunday I take my nieces over to see my mother. My mother is already very stressed about this and critical of two girls she has never met. She even commented that one was fatter than the other (based on a photo she had seen) and that one was stupid, one was bright.

My therapist and my ex husband keep telling me to keep going in order to inherit. Keep grey rocking, low contact. I feel even this level of contact is killing me. I don't care about the money anymore. I would rather be poor and free than dance with the devil. I am sure some of you can relate to the stress of being dysregulated where your heart pounds, you can't sleep, you have ear worms and your concentration is shot. I'm so isolated in my personal life, I have hidden myself, a constant feeling that no one can understand the world I inhabit in my head. I met up with a friend yesterday whose mum is also borderline and I opened up for the first time about some of the awful things that happened at the hospital with my dad's death. Tonight I feel guilty for sharing with the friend, convinced I have shamed myself and shown myself to be faulty and weird.

Thanks for reading.

[zachira]

Please excuse my brief reply. Do not give up being the executor, as you will lose valuable legal rights in getting the inheritance settled fairly.

[Methuen]

Goldcrest, what do you do to feel calm?

Run? Yoga? Karate?  Focus on your breath?  Plunge your face into a sink of cold water?  A hobby of some kind? Epsom salt bath?

Do whatever works best for you that you enjoy, and do lots of it.

Don’t make any decisions while you feel like this.  

When the emotions have settled, and you are feeling better, write out the pros/cons of each decision, so you approach it rationally, and you can SEE it.  Best to avoid emotional decisions now that you could regret later.  

It’s ok you opened up to a friend Goldcrest. We all reach our limits, and sometimes once we start talking its hard to stop.  The trick is to recognize that the next time and be selective about what we share.  I once opened up to a friend and regretted it afterwards as well.  It’s a lot of information for people, and they need time to process it.  My friend  and I didn’t talk about it for a long time afterwards, but slowly it came up again in  little bits and pieces.  She is very supportive now (that was 2 years ago) but people need lots of time to process that kind of info.  Family stuff is about 1% of what we talk about.

Right now just be super kind and gentle with yourself.  What do you do to get back to your baseline?

Hugs my friend 

[Goldcrest]

Thanks both for your replies.

After my dad died, both my brother and I tried in vain to help with the Will, my brother was accused of Bullying (he was trying to be supportive) and I was shut out. The friend I am wary of and neighbour were knee deep in my dads affairs within days of his death. It really upset me and I took some time out. This was labelled as being too stupid to help and incapable. My mother will manipulate, avoid, change her mind, switch decisions, all to create maximum drama. I hate that I am a executor, I never wanted the job. I knew It would be awful.

Zachira, thank you for replying, I don't inherit anything until my mum dies and I suspect she is planning to change her will. Are you saying that by signing over executorship it could affect things when my mum dies?

Methuen, I hear you, I just feel I have suffered long enough now. I really can't take anymore battles, either real or imagined. All the lovely things you suggest I do do but as long as my mother is in my life I am poisoned. I know my language is quite emotive but I really don't think I will inherit anything anyway. Part of me wants to walk as a way of saying, I don't need you. I have tried to hold on to executorship but my mother becomes very angry and paranoid and the stress is too great for me.

[zachira]

Yes, I believe so. You can do a one hour consult with an attorney to get some recommendations on what to do.

[Methuen]

I have tried to hold on to executorship but my mother becomes very angry and paranoid and the stress is too great for me.

Fair enough. I get this.  If you still feel the same once you are back to baseline, then you will be in a better place to decide from the analytic standpoint rather than the emotive one.  Perhaps you come to the same decision, but it's probably always best to make big decisions from a place of wellness, rather than the place you're feeling right now.

Breathe.

Consulting an attorney is wise - gather information - before making the decision.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

[Goldcrest]

Thank you Methuen  appreciate where you are coming from. You are right, I am too emotional to make any sensible decisions. This is where the work is for me, to regulate myself better when my mother destabilises me. I feel better having shared on here and I will go for a run with my beautiful dog.

[Riv3rW0lf]

From an outside perspective, your mother seems to be bullying you into giving away your legal rights as executioner. Something is fishy.

Remember that as she is your mother, she knows all your weaknesses and strengths, and it is easy for her to manipulate you into doing what she wants. When you start feeling small and helpless, it is her bullying you around. It is ok, and absolutely normal to feel depressed, I do to... I read recently that feeling depressed is a call for : 1) connect to your anger to protect yourself; 2) provide yourself with plenty of self-compassion.

Reading your post, I think the anger part would make you feel better... You need to self-protect, what your father has never done for you, you need to do for yourself. Anger is a beautiful emotion, I am just starting to learn to channel it and connect to it, and it helps tremendously in giving me strength to stand up to my mother's guiltripping.

Sending you tons of support Goldcrest. Whatever you choose (giving away your executioner's rights or not), it should come from a place of peace in your heart, or you will regret it. Don't let her bully you, get angry (not necessarily openly, mind you)! You have a right to be angry.

Again, take whatever you feel you need from this reply... Hugs

[Goldcrest]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, it's funny because from a place of tears and vunerability I posted on here but then when I read the responses, particularly the first one from Zachira, to not give up being an executor, I felt anger towards my mother, the anger seemed to help me escape the feelings of being a victim. Anger is separation and yes when I harness that feeling I can take charge of what I believe to be right for me.

I am having a bad 48 hours. The visits every two months to mother, always start to destabilise me at least a week before and today I finished with my T. My therapist could only ever see me for a short intervention because she is so booked up. She fitted me in because we have a long history together but it could only ever be for an initial 12 weeks, I now will have to wait for her to have availability again. So a lot of things stressing me. I think talking of my dads death yesterday - to a friend - really made me feel ashamed for opening up (you know, the inner critic on a rampage). I cried in the car home, cried because I kept remembering my dad at the end and how miserable he was. My mother questioning why they kept giving him blood when he was losing it - what a waste she kept saying.

Thank you for responding. I hope you are doing okay today.  

[Riv3rW0lf]

It is ok to cry too, and to welcome the tears. I found I have spent a lot of my life repressing my tears and this past week, I've really been letting them go and even trying to make them come so I can release energy that I feel trapped in my body.

I find anger and sadness and the two emotions I've really been fighting against, as I'm sure all of you did, because those weren't welcome in our house.

I hear you for the inner critic, I absolutely can relate.

Have you read the book : From Surviving to Thriving ? I find my mom and the idea of her always bring me back into emotional flashbacks, and it helps to remember they are flashbacks and she cannot hurt me unless I let her, hence the anger. He has a 12 steps method he provides for dealing with flashbacks and release the energy related to them. Unless what you are experiencing is not flashbacks, maybe it would be helpful? I think the cue he gives to recognize them is : do you feel small? He has a list of symptoms. He has a website where you can get all the 12 steps and symptoms without having to buy the book as well.

Self compassion, self protection.

Sending you lots of support

[missing NC]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, Goldcrest. I cannot agree more with Methuen's sage advice "Don’t make any decisions while you feel like this."  I made terrible decisions under pressure before and after my mom's death.  Please reach out to trusted loved ones for support and do what you need to do to center yourself. 

[Goldcrest]

missing NC, appreciate your warm, thoughtful words. I won't sign anything I am not comfortable with. My mother would give everything away to the hairdresser only to regret it a week later and expect me to sort out the damage. She put my dad through hell with her grand gestures (once gave away a car) and he was always too nice to take back what she had given.

I am stressed. Seeing my lovely nieces should be a wonderful time but all ready my mother is triangulating my sister-in-law with me, overwriting plans I have made. Thankfully my sis-in-law has my back so she tries to hold boundaries on my behalf but even she is getting stressed. I keep bringing myself back to a place of "what will be, will be" and not try to control things, deal with them as they arise. My T said yesterday I need to work on insulating myself against my mother. I see my response is something I can change. It is so hard though. How many times have I given advice to others and yet here I am stressed out LOL  

[Notwendy]

My mother would give everything away to the hairdresser

Mine too, and she has given all kinds of things away. She's "disowned" me and then changed her mind but I don't have any idea what she decides as she's in charge of it.

I didn't know that one had to sign away being the executor. My mother at one point decided on someone else,  then when she changed her mind, I had to sign the forms again to have my name on them, but she has the ability to choose whoever she wants. 

I agree with Zachira's advice to seek legal advice about this before you agree to anything. It might also be a threat - that you have to sign. The legal advice will help you navigate all this.

My mother would not allow me to help her with things like banking and checkbook. Now, she's found someone completely unlicensed to help her and somehow that person is OK and her children are not. She's had people steal from her before. I don't know if this person is being honest or not. However, when we have tried to help her, it's been such a struggle emotionally- we don't want to do that job now.

My main interest in anything my parents own was mostly sentimental. My mother refused to let me have them at first.  I decided I had to not be emotionally attached to anything she has. She is still considered legally competent to do whatever she wants with what she owns and she became the owner of anything my father owned.

I can understand wanting to protect significant property if you personally inherited it- and it is legally yours. In Zachira's situation, the legal dealings were with siblings. A lawyer will help you with knowing what you can do and what you can't.

[StrawberryCat]

Goldcrest, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't imagine how difficult to be in such situation. Hope that you will feel better soon and can get a clarity on what to do.

Supporting what Riv3rW0lf said, it is okay to feel angry. I once listened a podcast about emotions as consultants and we are the CEO of our lives. Let the emotions convey what they need to say, take the time to think about their opinions, and I really believe after that you will make the right decision. Opening the dam and allowing stream of emotions to flow through surely feels incredibly unpleasant, but I believe that you as the extraordinary CEO of your life can handle it. You got this!

Sending love your way 

[Goldcrest]

 Riv3rW0lf I have seen you mention Pete Walker before so I had a look at his website and there is loads of really insightful info on there. Thank you! I will get the book.

Notwendy It is so sad about the sentimental stuff of your dads, that she is the gatekeeper to him and his stuff. My own mother told me yesterday she had given my dads clothes to the charity shop and it made me feel so deeply sad. She offered me to pick a "gadget" of his. I didn't want objects but I would have liked a piece of clothing that I might use to make part of a patchwork quilt so that he was woven into something. I feel very conflicted about my dad anyway but to keep something back is important because one day I might feel differently.

StrawberryCat   for you too. You are right about feeling the feelings. My sleep gets shot when I am in active conflict with her but I try to tell myself not to get anxious about it. The feelings have to come out and if they keep me awake so be it.

Yesterday she brought up the time I was seeing my paedophille boyfriend (35) who groomed me into a relationship at 15 whilst I was on work experience. She said "We lost those years with you" and "your father never forgave you" WTAF. She then said that I got my father "back" when I was giving him water in the hospital. So it was my fault for having a relationship with a paedophile and my dad only forgave me when I gave him water in his last hours. For the first time it didn't hurt me, it just left me astonished. Absolutely horrifying really.

[Notwendy]

Goldcrest, I am glad you didn't get upset over what your mother said about your Dad. That's so distorted.  I told my mother I wouldn't discuss my father with her. I just don't want to hear it from her- it's her perspective not his. I am sorry you were not able to have some of his clothing.

[lm1109]

Goldcrest: I wish I had some advice, unfortunately, I don't really have much to add. I just wanted to say that you are a million percent correct in feeling horrified by what your mother said to you about that pedophile. That comment is meant to show you how mentally ill she is and should serve you in recognizing that the things she says have no validity. They are simply sick things that a sick person is saying. Recognizing that doesn't make it hurt ANY less, but it serves us in detachment and healing. Years ago I went to a grief counselor to help me with grieving my brother. I was very "stuck" on the suicide part and it felt like I'd never be ok. She had experienced the suicide of her father and so from experience she said to me: "You could spend the REST of your life trying to make sense out of this. But ultimately, you are trying to make sense out of a senseless act. Your brother was not in his right mind when he made this decision." I think of this often when I find myself trying to understand why my mom was/is so abusive and how she could say such hurtful things to me and I remind myself that she is not in her "right" mind, she is sick, and so she says sick things, it's that simple. I obviously don't know you personally, but from what I've read here, it's very apparent that you are an extremely resilient person and I really applaud you in how you're navigating this impossible situation. I hope you are giving yourself the self compassion and love that you deserve and also giving yourself the space to grieve your father. In my experience, my bpd mom, felt that NO ONE else should or deserved to grieve but her and she really robbed me of my energy that I should've been putting towards myself and my OWN grief. Maybe once all of this paperwork, etc is through you can really shift your focus towards yourself and your own needs...I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Sending you so much support 

[lm1109]

I wanted to add...that you should be proud of yourself for recognizing that, for the first time you are not letting her comment hurt you. By recognizing that she can no longer hurt you with her (senseless abusive) words, you are taking your power back.

[Goldcrest]

Im1109 firstly I am so sorry about the suicide of your brother  that is so very, very tough.

I know you are right about my mother being sick, I just wish I could hold on to that fact. The shapeshifting and gaslighting make me doubt myself often, she is a master at changing to love bombing just at the point she knows she has caused deep hurt and pushed you too far. I think the hardest thing is the invisibility of her NPD because I think at the moment (since dad died) she is really at the NPD end of things. If she was bipolar or was experiencing schizophrenia then it would be an obvious and treatable mental health issue but a personality disorder simply destroys the lives of those closest and can be "hidden". Her last phone call really did shake me up and I felt physically sick all yesterday. My brother too emailed me to say he is struggling with his mental health and he is a tough nut.

I really appreciate you acknowledging resilience as something I can take from all this. My T has often told me that simply doesn't know how I have survived. I think moving away was the best decision I could make when I was in my early 20s and also paying for private therapy at 21 when my eating disorder took hold. I resented paying for my own therapy for years but now I see that it was an act of self care, self care that set the tone for my survival.

I am really working on not reacting to anything my mother says. I have a whole weekend with her from tomorrow and although I am sick with dread I also see it as a chance to practice my skills of grey rock and allow boundaries.

[Methuen]

If she was bipolar or was experiencing schizophrenia then it would be an obvious and treatable mental health issue but a personality disorder simply destroys the lives of those closest and can be "hidden".

Exactly.  I have this internal conversation with myself all the time now. It’s very painful for all involved because we are invisible in our pain.

I am really working on not reacting to anything my mother says. I have a whole weekend with her from tomorrow and although I am sick with dread I also see it as a chance to practice my skills of grey rock and allow boundaries.

This is the ticket - learning to not react inside.  My T tells me it’s impossible to not have emotional reactions inside - its about what we do with those reactions - and this is where self care comes in…

Goldcrest I haven’t re-read the whole thread here so I am unclear on why you must spend the whole weekend with your mom, but that seems like a lot to take on.  Will you have support?  Other people checking in?  By phoone or in person to give you breaks?  And how will you take care of Goldcrest this weekend?

[Goldcrest]

Hi Methuen! In truth it is not the whole weekend without a break as I am staying in a hotel in the evening, thankfully I refuse to sleep at the house as she will insist on my sleeping in the bed she shared with my dad and the bedding has not been washed. I had to sleep there when he was in hospital dying and it was horrendous. She loves to try and bait me about staying in a hotel, that It is a waste of my money and my dog hates it, as apparently he much prefers to stay at her house LOL. My mother has a hospital bed in the living room even though it is no longer necessary, she refuses to let the hospital have it back. I know she keeps it to ensure visitors feel sorry for her.

The Sunday I shall be chaperoning my 2 nieces (who I haven't met before) to see her. It's a lot and I am anxious about this. I want to see them but I am also scared of how she will try to triangulate and compare them, she will also try to extract information about my brother and sister-in-law, to confirm her view that they are bad parents. Thankfully my brother has told the girls what she is like and to be on guard. I am not sure why my brother felt it necessary that they should meet her. They live abroad and are visiting the UK with a friend. I will be afraid to even go to the toilet and leave them alone with her for 1 minute. I know it is not my responsibility to look after them but...

So it is going to be a tough weekend. I am with her all day tomorrow then on Sunday half the day with my nieces and half the day alone. There is still the matter of the Will to deal with. I tried to talk rationally and calmly with her about the executorship yesterday but the phone call became an hour of insanity, where the gaslighting and false accusations were incredible. I'm not really sure where we have got with it but I want to stay really calm and grey rock so that the girls can meet her on the Sunday and the experience be as safe and calm as possible. They are much too young to possibly understand any of this even with the most skilled explanation. They must be nervous.