When should I walk away?

[amanda.lynn]

My sister was diagnosed with BPD years ago and I have worked so hard to try and get her some help. I've attended inpatient treatment with her, help her set up outpatient services, tried to get her into detox (we've got her accepted but she always cancels at the last minute), helped her find housing and gotten her access to free dental services (long term substance use has destroyed her teeth). I've always been there for her when she's lost housing, went bankrupt, been in and out of jail etc and nothing i have done has helped.
I know that she needs to be willing to do it on her own and have learned a lot about taking a step back to offer support without enabling. She has continued to spiral no matter what I do and all of the professionals say that I need to cut her out of my life to not only help me maintain my mental health but to also help her stand on her own 2 feet. I am just really having a hard time doing that since she's got so little support left in her life. She has destroyed every relationship she has and threatens suicide all the time.
Please let me know what helped you either help your loved o e, or what helped make it easier on you to cut them off.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think a lot of us are undergoing the same kind of debate within ourselves.

For me, many users helped in different ways... One told me I had to be my best self for my children's sake, and if keeping my uBPDm in my life was detrimental to this, then no contact was worth considering.

But I struggle with a complete no contact, because I understand she is sick, it's just the level of her entitlement that I'm unsure about... I still wonder if I can work around her entitlement if I somehow resolve the emotional flashback she gives me and just how much she scares me in general.

Another user told me low/no contact doesnt have to be definite or called this way, which also helps.

I think in the end, it all comes down to your own state of mind. How are you feeling, can you keep dancing the BPD dance? Do you need a break?

It's very hard to let them go, and trust they will be all right in the end (knowing they might actually not be ok), but then ... Where does your responsibilities toward her as family end? This is worth considering... No one can be saved, and if she is hellbent in letting herself drown, maybe it would be better you do not drown with her? Just some thoughts.

Sending support and love your way.

[Tristiana]

Your post really resonated with me as I have been in a similar situation for years. I feel I have been living my life in limbo, waiting for the BPD in my life to get his life on track. And I have anxiety and depression because of it, I feel isolated and unappreciated. Professionals have told me to cut the ties -- but it's not that simple, when you are in the situation and have close bonds of love and loyalty. What I'm trying to do is work on my own boundaries, my own sense of what my values are etc. I suspect learning to respect my boundaries myself will take a long time, but I'm making a start. I was also reading (on this site) that threatening to leave can make things worse as that is the BPD's underlying fear. It's so difficult. It sounds like you are a loyal and loving person, and your sister is so fortunate to have you, even if she doesn't see that. Would it be an option for you to be there for her in a practical sense (within reason) but less emotionally involved?

[missing NC]

amanda.lynn,

Regardless of what the professionals advise, only you can determine if no contact or some version of lower contact is best for you.  Either way, it is heartbreaking to see a sister destroy herself (or others). 

One of the central tenets of Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT), the "gold standard" treatment for BPD is "radical acceptance."  Although I have yet to come close to mastering RA in reference to own sister, I can see the utility of striving for nonattachment.  I thought I'd share the thoughts of Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT on radical acceptance:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTG7YEWkJFI  (MARSHA LINEHAN - How She Learned Radical Acceptance)