MIL with BPD – Cyclical Housing Crisis

[HFord1000]

My husband's mother has BPD and is suspected NPD. While this brings a host of obstacles, the most pressing are her financial instability and impending, dare I say, homelessness. In the time that I've known my husband (four years), he has helped her to move 5 times (and at least another 12 times before me). All of her living situations become short-term after numerous problems arise between her and whomever her landlord is at the time. Due to poor money management, bad credit, and low-earning job(s), she can't afford to live in any sort of living situation that isn't a basement apartment, or something similar. Her last landlord communicated with her in October that her lease would not be renewed in December and she only told my husband about this 1.5 weeks prior to having to move. After a short stint in a hotel, while she found another "solution" (a friend's in-law suite until 04/01), she refuses to find a more permanent living arrangement for herself and is resistant to any help.

One of the only viable solutions that we can think of, due to the state of her finances, is moving to an area with a lower cost of living. She is COMPLETELY resistant to this and I fear that when her current "lease" is up in two months, we'll be right back where we started--scrambling to find a roof over her head. We have heard every reason imaginable in order to NOT relocate and she has remained the "victim of her circumstances," in her mind.

One suggestion has been to sign up for subsidized senior housing programs. The problem with this approach is that application to these programs has to be completed, submitted, and monitored by my BPD MIL, and she has told my husband that she has done so, but we do not believe her, and we can't follow up and help manage the application process in any way.

I'd love to hear if anyone has had success convincing a BPD loved one of doing something that they're initially resistant to, such as relocating or enrolling in public housing. The frequency of these local moves is taking quite an emotional and financial toll on everyone involved. We would love to avoid another "crisis" where we have to scramble around to avoid impending eviction. I should add that all past attempts to present the positive advantages to moving to a more affordable area are met with nothing but dismissal. I suspect this ultimately is because she does not want there to be greater geographical distance between she and "HER son," my husband. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. We can't stay in this cycle.

[missing NC]

Hello HFord1000,

I have thought quite a bit about the difficult situation facing you and your husband.  My impression/concern after reading your post closely is that your MIL may be waiting for/expecting her son and you to rescue her from her "victimhood" by having her live with you.  The waiting until a week and half before losing a recent housing situation would certainly support that hypothesis.  She may not even be aware that she is hoping for that outcome.  So if you did find her a housing option in a less expensive area, it would just be more inconvenient for you to drive or fly to her to straighten things out when they derail again. 

You could offer her the incentive of staying local and sharing her favorite meal while you fill out the form for low income housing together and save it with a password you choose.  (I am envisioning literally eating while typing.)  Perhaps you could sweeten the offer by saying you'll watch her favorite movie or whatever other activity she enjoys after completing the form.  However, she may be too recalcitrant to allow you to hand-hold her through the process. 

I wish I could offer a more hopeful outcome in the short term, but unfortunately the housing issue is not really the problem but rather a symptom of the underlying problem(s).  Your query is very reminiscent of family members who cannot get a spiraling relative to stop using drugs. In that instance too, the prospect of impending homelessness in not enough to snap the user out of their destructiveness. 

A few questions come to mind.  Does your MIL have a therapist, social worker or doctor who can encourage her to seek appropriate treatment?  How old is she? Last, are there other relatives who can help so that you and your husband are not shouldering the entire load?

Wishing you luck!   

[beatricex]

Hi HFord1000,
Welcome here, we get it. 

I have some questions, if you don't mind me asking.  But a little background first:  I too have thought about this a lot, since with my BPD mom (if she outlives my Dad), this will likely be the situation me and my siblings face as well.

Question:  are you and your husband aligned?  I mean it's his Mom and I'm guessing he has plenty of "stuff" -years of guilt and anger, maybe feelings of exasperation even?  from his overbearing mom...
Q: If right on above guess..How "in tune" is he to those feelings?

After learning all that I can about BPD, I'm slowly learning that it's not about overpowering or controlling them (we can never do that), but about being better to me.  What would it look like if you would be a better version of you for you and for your spouse?  More supportive, more caring, more [fill in the balnk, whatever it is he needs] as he's dealing with all these feelings now (so are you) that are so uncomfortable?

I have just found that personally, whenever trying to solve a really difficult problem and I agree this is one - I  feel better about myself when I try to become my best self.  What would a really good friend I look up to do in this situation?  I tell myself.  I strive to be "that friend" to me and that awesome gal to my husband.
I mean he is the love of my life and he's had a difficult life, his kids have put us both through the ringer in the past few years.

Sorry if this is too abstract and doesn't resonate, I don't have an answer for you that is specific.  I will say this, my oldest step daughter did this wait until a week and a half before she's homeless, make me worry she wants to move in with us, then we have to help her move, cosign on her next apartment, make sure the place is up to her high standards cause she has kids, move her - always on my birthday every year - we did this dance for several years.  I'm embarrassed to say how many.  Finally, I put my foot down, yup, I was the "bad guy." I finally said to  my husband - if we keep helping her she will never find friends, she'll never remarry, we'll never have a life of our own, every other weekend we entertain her and her kids (not that I minded the kids they're great, she was the wet blanket), we will never be free! I also said, I don't know if she planned to do this to me or not but she is a major pain in my rear!  This has gotta stop.

weirdly my husband agreed (it was actually too easy) we cut her off a couple years ago and she finally found a boyfriend and they bought a house together a couple months ago.  Forgot to mention, thousands of dollars were forked over to her.  That has all stopped.  Last weekend we were joking, dancing around, giddy with the realization "she really didn't need us!"    she has figured out how to take advantage of other people! 

We get to see our grandkids, she's still mad at me but it works cause I don't have to pretend anymore.  No more passive aggressive visits to see me, her stepmom, hallelluia!

 

It's like a finally discovered the miracle of asking for what I really want and getting it.  Why didn't I try this sooner?  My husband loves me too (maybe more because of it?)

Let me know what you and hubby decide.
 
b

[pursuingJoy]

HFord, I'm sorry you're going through that. I don't imagine there is much you can do to direct her actions. I wonder, though, if there is a way to set boundaries in a way that protects you and your H?

BPD MIL currently lives 2 hrs away near her family. H is guilt ridden and duty bound and believes he must take care of her. I've made a little headway in marriage counseling talking about setting healthier boundaries, but he insists his parents were perfect. He wants his mom to move down to our city but I think that's a horrible idea. He would become his mom's entire support system, and it would likely destroy our marriage. I suspect there is a part of him that knows that, but I also suspect that he's been so conditioned to respond in a certain way that he can't say no to her.

There is always drama. In December she broke her wrist, went home too early and broke her ankle. A week later she caught Covid and blamed it on the assisted living facility she had to be in because of broken bones. She called her 29 year old granddaughter and talked her into "busting her out," Covid and all. Thankfully H stepped in and convinced her to stay in quarantine.

Now she's home and she's upset with the property manager. She's also upset with the person who is staying with her. She drains people.

Her one happiness fantasy is to live close to my H and have him take care of her and I think the constant self-sabotage is driven by that. My saving grace is this site, therapy and setting better boundaries for myself.

Keep talking. We're here.

pj

[HFord1000]

Firstly, I am blown away by the supportive and empathetic words that I have received as a result of my first post. This is a wonderful community, and I appreciate you all.

There is an update regarding my BPD MIL and her housing that is, unfortunately (and probably as to be expected), not very positive. Somehow, my MIL has found another apartment, again priced beyond what she can afford, and is determined to move in. From our experience, this type of arrangement proves to be another temporary housing "solution" that will last no more than one year. My husband is very disheartened, as he knows what is in store for him–yet another move in, and another move out.

While the upcoming moves are an inconvenience, the worst outcome is the treatment that my husband has received as a result of trying to help. He has received numerous diatribes in the form of emails that tell him what a disappointment he is to her. In these emails, she tells him how he should be supporting her monetarily, "after all of the money she spent on raising him." "All of that money that you're making, and you can't help me pay my rent?". She included that he should be taking off of work to drive her to and from all of her doctor's appointments ("Back issues"), and "how DARE he suggest that she apply for subsidized housing or move to a place with a lower cost of living?". It seems that all of his efforts to assist in her housing crisis have been completely turned against him, and he is now the target of her irrational rages.

I'm going to attempt to answer some of the questions in response to my initial post below (I can't figure out how to quote excerpts yet):

- MIL is 65 years old

- My husband and I are aligned in our boundary-creation process. We haven't completely fleshed out all boundaries, but are in the process of working through that. H has shown amazing growth, but we're still working on finding a good and healthy balance that protects him but doesn't leave him with excess guilt. We're slowly but surely discovering and discussing which boundaries we would like to erect and hold. Here are some of the boundaries that we've been working on:

1.) H and I are aligned in our one firm boundary of not providing financial assistance. 
2.) H has chosen to take space and not respond to the bullying messages and emails that he's been receiving.
3.) We've also agreed to withhold a great amount of detail about our lives, comings and goings, whereabouts, and social calendar since these are frequently held against H (ex. "You had time to see your friend _______ but you don't have time to see your MOTHER?").
4.) H will no longer take off of work to assist with "emergencies" that are not actual emergencies.
5.) I do not participate in one-on-one emails and texts with my MIL. I will always cc H or another family member.

- H is very in tune with his feelings regarding his mother, and those are exasperation, frustration, hopelessness, sadness, guilt, and resentment. Although he knows that he is in no way any of the nasty things that he is constantly being told, it's still tough to hear those types of negative character assassinations, especially from the lips of his mother.

- BPD MIL has very supportive and helpful sisters; however, their help is completely unwanted and she fights against anything they suggest or bring to the table.

I have taken Beatricex's advice and have been working to be the best version of myself for my husband. Whenever the topic of his mom arises, I ask which form of support he would like from me at that time–a sounding board, suggestions/collective brainstorming, distraction, or just a listening ear, etc.

Anyway, I feel as if this was a lot of rambling, but it is cathartic to write it. Thank you again for listening.

[pursuingJoy]

HFord, love that you and your H are aligned. And your boundaries sound great.

It sounds like actually moving her is another stressor. Do you ever chat about telling her you can only help her move once a year, or once every 2 years?

This is an awesome and supportive group. I've found so much informed support here. It changed my outlook and experience. I'm so thrilled you feel supported by us!

[lm1109]

Hi HFord! The guilt that your MIL is putting on your Husband is intense! I know how that feels and just wanted to say how lucky he is to have such a wonderful support system within his marriage. My husband supported me in a similar way and I am thankful everyday that he stuck it out with me and helped me through such an immensely difficult circumstance. He was always there to point out the things that were too difficult for me to see and remind me that I shouldn't feel guilty because boundaries were necessary for me to survive! Your boundaries sound very healthy! I hope you don't underestimate the importance of your support. Hearing such hurtful things from your own mother is SO extremely painful, but he will get through it because of the love and support he has from you! 

[Notwendy]

I agree with the others in that- you can not expect BPD mother to change and the best you can do is protect your boundaries.

My BPD mother is an elderly widow who is the beneficiary of my father's work and careful planning. However, her tendency to overspend and mismanage money also raised our concern. She too, would not settle for something less expensive- she wants the best of everything. I think this stems from some NPD as well.

Perhaps it is fortunate in some strange way that she refuses to allow her children to help her manage her finances which led us to back off. We don't have an interest in them for us, we wanted them to be available for her to meet her needs.

We found out by accident that she had taken a home equity loan. We realized she would not have done that if her finances weren't running low. While she doesn't trust us, she does tend to trust anyone she thinks is being nice to her. She was furious when we raised concerns.

We too have the boundary of no financial support- because she will not be honest with us. Also, we don't have her extravagant spending habits- she would not be happy with anything we offered her. At this moment, she's legally competent and in complete charge of her financial situation and we don't know much about it.

That said, we don't want to see her homeless. We haven't discussed that with her as all discussions have not led to any cooperation or honesty with us. I hope this doesn't happen and she continues to have what she needs with the funds my father left her. We do know that at this point she's in charge of all her finances and any decisions she makes and our only choice is to let her be for the moment.

I don't know how old your MIL is, but this seems to be a long standing issue. If she's still at the age to fend for herself, you have seen the result of "rescuing her"- it doesn't help in the long run. You and your H need to set your limits with her- either to not step in to help or if you did, the limit on what you can do.