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When you get dumped by your BPD, you probably are looking for some type of closure. Your head is spinning, while you heart is aching, as you are left in a world of pain and confusion. You wonder what the hell just happened, just sitting there all alone trying to replay everything that just went down. Your BPD will have projected all her faults on to you, turning you into the bad guy, even though it was all her doing. You see, you are the mirror she is looking into as she projects everything she hates about herself at you. It's what I like to call the "Mirror Identity Function" she identifies herself looking at you, envisioning everything about herself. So, she has you believing that you were the cause of everything when you never were.
A BPD will never give you the closure that you are looking for because she will never admit to being at fault. She can't handle this type of admission because of her fragile mind and ego. This is why she will show no remorse and move on to the next guy like nothing has ever happened. If you do get a chance to try to get some closure, you will get the blame for everything. She will use a couple of instances of what you did not do for her that made her leave you. She might even use a couple of instances that you did do. Now, you never even thought of these before but she will make it out to be the reason why she left. Nothing you can do will ever be good
enough for her and she knows that. This is her big excuse that she will use to throw the blame back on to you. Again, she is projecting and blaming you for her own faults, hate, and self loathing. So, you will never get the closure you are looking for.
She probably expected you to read her mind during the relationship. Making you try to solve all her problems by trying to figure out what is going on. Most of the time you probably had no inkling that there was ever a problem at all. She would then blame and hate you because you couldn't fix her exact problem that you had no idea of. Nobody in the world can fix her, because you can't fix her, she doesn't want to be fixed.
This all stems from a lack of a bond she had with her mother during her infant years. She never had any connection with her mother during her formative years, so she expects you to be the one to care for her needs. If you are unable to do so, she will lash out at you, shame you, and make you feel guilty. A mother can care for her baby's needs and knows what it wants, but the BPD expects you to take on the role of the mother. Which means being able to read her mind and knowing what she wants, even when she doesn't tell you. How can ever be able to do that? You can't, so that is why the sh*t will hit the fan after the "Honeymoon Phase" is over. You have to remember that with a BPD, you are dealing with the mind of a little child in a grown woman's body. This is why they act the way they do, they are childlike. So, trying to get closure from a child will never happen.
She will forever deny that she was at fault for anything, so any kind of closure will just be a futile attempt. These efforts on your part to reach out will only result in causing more grief and pain for you. How can get any real remorse from a girl who will never be truly sorry?
That's BPD. While that seems like a smart-ass response, it's just... .true. They live in a world of ever changing emotions that never ceases. Nothing is ever 'calm' for them. I call it the seesaw conundrum, when they are in a romantic r/s with someone.
On one end of the seesaw is fear of abandonment, the other end is fear of engulfment. They start out in the middle (the seesaw is calm). Then they start running headlong into one end. Then they shift course and go the other way without slowing down. They keep doing this, which makes the seesaw tilt faster and faster until they find a new seesaw (triangulation). Then the 'old' seesaw slows, but now they're straddling 2 seesaws. Since they can't trust their own emotions, the 'old' seesaw must be defective somehow... .after all, it was tilting so fast. So they never fully trust the 'old' seesaw again... .so they end up leaving it for the 'new' seesaw, only to start the process all over again.
I call it a conundrum because they never can understand why there's so many 'bad' seesaws out there... .even though it's them that's causing the seesaw to become unstable. Btw, we all are on the seesaw, but we can regulate it to keep it balanced, where a BP can't.
BPD is a serious mental illness and as of this writing, not curable. The only known treatment that has shown promising results is DBT and even that is hotly debated. It doesn't cure BPD, it only helps manage it. This is a huge undertaking for the pwBPD (person with BPD) and takes YEARS of therapy, commitment, and hard work on their part at a CHANCE of improvement. All the while, it's business as usual. Btw, the stats show only 50% of those who start DBT stay with it too. Out of those, 80% stay managed enough to not be considered BPD but can be triggered again under certain stressors.
I seriously doubt that pwBPD forgets the beloved Non... .its just the opposite... if the relationship was very pleasant during first phase (honeymoon phase)... .and break up happens... .pwBPD drowns herself into alcohol, drugs, impulsive sex, in depression, or self mutilation or suicide attempts. All this behavior is to forget the Non as Non has become a source of intense pain and fear for her. This all is not under pwBPD's control as she has a serious mental disorder which takes control of her brain. Its not on purpose.
New research shows that pwBPD have a very painful trauma memory system in their amygdala... .once it gets activated they go in emotionally dysregulated phase and behave very irrationally and illogically. This drives Non crazy... because it is crazy making behavior.
I would like to emphasize that pwBPD are not evil, they are not psychopaths ... .they are themselves suffering greatly ... .their disorder makes many well meaning, kind men suffer and develop depression. Nobody wins. Not pwBPD... .Not Non... .only the disorder wins.
Dysregulation, which occurs when they are overwhelmed with their emotions and that's when "crazy making behavior" happens. But they still aren't out of control. Sure, they'll go on a spending spree or sleep with countless people or something else harmful in an attempt to self soothe, but they make those decisions. They're never "out of control" or on "autopilot" and not responsible for their behavior. They just don't think of the long-term implications of their behavior. For instance, my ex dated a guy for a month without my knowledge because I spoke harshly to her (after being baited into an argument). She made that decision, yet was upset when I found out and confronted her about it. It was MY fault she dated the guy because I was "mean" to her. According to her, since I was mean to her, I was using her and going to leave anyway so she decided to find someone new. Mind you, she never spoke to me about her feelings, she just went and did it all the while continuing a r/s with me. That was her choice.
They will preemptively strike by leaving you first if they even remotely think you're going to leave them. To them, it's better to hurt you first than you hurt them. Keep in mind this perceived abandonment can be in their own head. You could've said some "off" to her or gave her a look she perceived as hateful. Anything can trigger it and I do mean anything. Nothing you said/did was to blame for this. I gave J all the loving/caring/understanding I could, I knew she was BPD. We talked about what to do when she became deregulated... .the whole 9 yards. It didn't matter. When I did exactly what she told me to do, it was still wrong. You literally cannot win with them, ever. When the devaluing process starts, the r/s is basically over. Sure, you can stick around and hope they regulate enough again to try to work on it, but it's not been my experience that it lasts long. It took J about 6 months for her to devalue me, we got back together for a great month, then she left permanently (though she forgot to tell me, of course). I spent another 2 months trying to repair the r/s to only find out she was dating someone else. I ended the r/s then. Of course I discovered she had been dating ANOTHER guy too, who she's with now. I should also mention that J is in (well, supposedly) DBT, on meds, and is very self aware.
I understand when the r/s ruptures that you're left wondering what happened. If ever there were a chance for success, I had it. It didn't matter in the end, I still lost her. Turns out though, she wasn't who she claimed to be with me in the beginning anyway. There were a ton of lies, omissions, and manipulations from her the whole time we were together. People say it takes two to tango, I just didn't realize I was dancing alone for as long as I was.
Again: don't blame yourself. Were you perfect in the r/s? Probably not. You're human. You make mistakes (I know I did). But that's the difference in being in a r/s with a normal adult vs a disordered one. They understand (empathy) you make mistakes. A disordered one expects you to be perfect and when you aren't, they start devaluing you.
Oh, and all the stuff you asked about (then suddenly leaving, worrying about how they're percevied by others, etc) is typical behavior when they deregulate. It's best for you to realize this person is unhealthy for you, detach, and begin healing. I know it's easier said than done, trust me. I didn't want to let go of J. But I knew I had to. Just be glad you don't have to see your ex everyday like I do (along with my replacement). It's brutal to see their "happiness" every day.
Re: Anybody else feel like an addict?
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2016, 09:43:41 AM » Quote
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Yes, to answer you initial question. It is an addiction and I can't stay away. And I beat myself up about it. I convince myself that it will not work, that I cannot be with a person who can change her mind about me, about our relationship, on a dime. It makes me incredibly anxious and feeds into all my fears. Then, I am either in so much pain that I reach out (figuring that at least if she rejects me, then it's over) or I feel like myself again and think I can handle it. And she responds. Then I fool myself into thinking it can work. But the pattern is already set.
She discarded me once (decided it wouldn't work and brought someone else to a dinner). I also hoped that she would recycle me. I heard from her about 3.5 weeks later -- like nothing was the matter (issues are also never resolved. either papered over and ignored or cause a breakdown. there is research that shows that people with BPD do not see when a relationship is breaking down and do not know how to repair it) -- and started the cycle again. About a month later, she decided she had enough and packed me up to go home. And then called about five days later... .I wouldn't call it charming exactly. I think she misses me, feels lonely, etc. I don't think we can be friends. I feel too strongly about her. Although I love being with her... .
I don't think she understands what she wanted from you. That's the problem with borderlines, I think. They don't know what they want. Their priorities and sense of values are so unstable that they're always changing them, hence the mixed signals.
I agree with others here that NC is really the only way to go. It's hard at first, but gets easier. And while I do have moments of weakness and doubt, those moments are becoming less frequent and severe as time goes on. I've become too strong to get drawn back in again. I know I'll never talk to her again. But still, when she does try to contact me, a part of me is pleased to know that she still thinks of me. How messed up is that?
You will never get the closure you are looking for with a pwBPD.
The only closure that you will get is knowing that she can't give you what you want.
Don't call or txt if you expect closure. If you want to detach, you will not get soothed by the pwBPD. You have to find your own peace.
I agree 100%. The BPD will never give you closure, for so many reasons, especially since closure is what they fear the most. They always want to know that they can have a backup. Furthermore, your feelings are not exactly their priority, their survival is.
My advice would be to find a way to stop giving this person power over you. As long as she has something you need -- whether you call it closure or something else -- she is in control. You will be free when you decide that she no longer has anything to offer you.
This again: is right when s/he says that you are probably fishing for regret. You aren't going to hear a person with this kind of disorder express regret. You are probably also expecting that maybe she "learned something" or "grew" from the experience. People who block out all sense of blame or responsibility do not learn and grow; they repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Your "closure" can ultimately come from acceptance of her serious mental health condition and understanding what that condition means for her relationships. She didn't end the relationship for a mature, well-thought-out reason that she can articulate to you. There will be no nice, neat explanation of why you are incompatible. But now you know you are incompatible because of her mental health, and that is the last word.
I think you're doing yourself a disservice by expecting that a person who was so abusive has anything constructive to offer you.
You'll never find the closure/answers you're looking for. Take it from someone who was on speaking terms with their ex after the breakup. It just doesn't happen. Any veiled sense of responsibility is immediately pushed back onto you 'justifying' why they did something. This just leads to more questions than answers, more hurt and pain, and keeps you in the cycle.
In the end, the only explanation that's a valid explanation is they're mentally ill, emotionally stunted people that their only consistency is they're inconsistent.
BPD is a very, VERY serious Cluster B mental illness. Besides reading the references here on the site, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist to help YOU sort through YOUR thoughts, feelings & emotions. They can also help you understand why you were attracted to your BPD in the first place. Like most here you're probably a codependent & all the things that come with that. You need to learn why you have codependent behavior & attracted to a BPD ... .without learning about yourself, your behavior, you're most likely to continue to repeat your choices for a partner in life ... .without learning about your history there's a fairly good chance that there is another BPD r/s in your future.
In your statement you say the word "logical" ... .there is NOT & will NEVER be anything logical about the BPD mental illness so just forget about any illusion you have of that. If YOU truly want closure ... .I mean TRULY want to move on from her and start to live & explore life ... .ONLY YOU can do it ... .it is within YOU to stop all of it~! YOU have to not only block her from FB & all other social media but YOU have to stop going to her FB page. I mean what do YOU care what the heck she posts? REALLY? Block her number to prevent her text & calls. Put her email address in the spam folder so you don't get them.
You need to LIVE YOUR LIFE~! This means getting out of your place and socializing again with other people. Get out and get a walk in .
