Detaching, gradual process or sudden shift?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m curious, for those of you have successfully detached from your pwBPD and moved on to a happier, healthier life and relationship, was detaching a sudden/epiphany moment or a gradual process?

I’m doing all the work to detach - therapy, reflection, working on myself, etc - and I am making some progress but still not sure I could resist a recycle attempt.

Really curious to hear about some of your answers to the above question.

[WhatToDo47]

I’m curious, for those of you have successfully detached from your pwBPD and moved on to a happier, healthier life and relationship, was detaching a sudden/epiphany moment or a gradual process?

I’m doing all the work to detach - therapy, reflection, working on myself, etc - and I am making some progress but still not sure I could resist a recycle attempt.

Really curious to hear about some of your answers to the above question.

[So many questions]

I’m in the same boat. My depression is really bad and I’m not sure how long I am suppose to grieve. Living alone makes it tough.

[WhatToDo47]

I’m in the same boat. My depression is really bad and I’m not sure how long I am suppose to grieve. Living alone makes it tough.

For sure. You’re not alone, I know there are so many here who understand and have been through the same and went on to a better life. I know that’s not much solace, but for what it’s worth, you’re not alone. Therapy does help the depression, if you’re able.

[rob66]

The epiphany happens suddenly. It may have even happened during the relationship: there is something deeply troubling with their behavior. But, that epiphany gets buried by our feelings for them.

The actual detachment, like many breakups, I suppose, happens very gradually. Day by day, my ex began to recede into the past. She became less and less important in the present. While that was happening, I began to heal, to participate in my life fully ... the epiphany that they are dysregulated, disordered, was always with us. We just ignored it.

The epiphany that we are better off without them? It comes eventually, accompanied by the chuckle to ourselves at the thought, "What was I thinking wanting to be with that person?" We chuckle because we see our encounter with that person for what it is: just another of life's vagaries with neither any rhyme or reason.

Now, 6 months later, I am dating someone who is, for lack of a better word, normal. Things are so different, so much better.

Dating my disordered ex was a lesson in what not to do when dating; in making better choices; in having a higher standard for myself.

You'll get there. Give it time.

[So many questions]

Rob66, love seeing a success story and I wish you all the best in your new relationship.

Did it take time to get over the addiction to the toxicity and up and downs? I’m battling that. I’m committed to not dating until I’m truly healed.

[Woolspinner2000]

I have found the letting go to be a gradual process, especially after 35 years of marriage. It wasn't easy, but the first step is a step in the right direction. I'm 3 years separated, and in May it will be 2 years D. This past year, 2021, in spite of Covid and all that, was the best in my entire life. The focus on taking care of myself physically, mentally (still in T), and changing my self care has been so helpful. Do I still have things that trip me up? Absolutely. In fact I saw my ex with another woman for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I had to go through the process of disengaging again, in a slightly different way, because I encountered a new circumstance. Keep focusing on you and healing. You will get there!

 
Wools

[rob66]

Love is Hard, yes, do not date until you are healed. Otherwise, you will be caught in a cycle of being reminded that the person you are with is not your ex. By spending time with myself exercising, skiing, hiking, reading, writing, seeing friends, I was able to clearly recognize when I was healed and ready to start dating again. It's important to be by yourself so that you can see, without any distractions, the progress you are making in your healing. You can then more quickly recognize when you are ready to start dating again. 

I didn't experience a lot of toxicity in my relationship, either because I didn't recognize it, or because it didn't really exist. Things did start changing the last month of my ex and my encounter together, I did start recognizing things were starting to shift with her - some of her behaviors were alarming, but, as I said, they were just beginning. Funny how she dumped me about two weeks after I had a talk with her about her behavior (I had to follow rules, not her; her suspicions and hyper vigilant inquiries; her expectations that I literally read her mind; her sullen mood; etc. etc.) She might have sensed that I was beginning to see what she was becoming.

You'll get there. It's a wide, wonderful world out there with infinite possibilities. Your best days are ahead!

[WhatToDo47]

The epiphany happens suddenly. It may have even happened during the relationship: there is something deeply troubling with their behavior. But, that epiphany gets buried by our feelings for them.

The actual detachment, like many breakups, I suppose, happens very gradually. Day by day, my ex began to recede into the past. She became less and less important in the present. While that was happening, I began to heal, to participate in my life fully ... the epiphany that they are dysregulated, disordered, was always with us. We just ignored it.

The epiphany that we are better off without them? It comes eventually, accompanied by the chuckle to ourselves at the thought, "What was I thinking wanting to be with that person?" We chuckle because we see our encounter with that person for what it is: just another of life's vagaries with neither any rhyme or reason.

Now, 6 months later, I am dating someone who is, for lack of a better word, normal. Things are so different, so much better.

Dating my disordered ex was a lesson in what not to do when dating; in making better choices; in having a higher standard for myself.

You'll get there. Give it time.

Thank you. This helps so much, and gives me a lot of hope for the future. I do remember moments of thinking something was "off." I even remember very early on in our marriage Googling "how do you know if you're in an abusive relationship." I don't even remember why I did, but I remember doing it.

I will be patient and give myself time. I'm really looking forward to having the clarity you do, and I'll be re-reading your post when I feel weak/tired/sad.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet your healthy partner and how did you recognize her as healthy, if that makes sense?

[WhatToDo47]

I have found the letting go to be a gradual process, especially after 35 years of marriage. It wasn't easy, but the first step is a step in the right direction. I'm 3 years separated, and in May it will be 2 years D. This past year, 2021, in spite of Covid and all that, was the best in my entire life. The focus on taking care of myself physically, mentally (still in T), and changing my self care has been so helpful. Do I still have things that trip me up? Absolutely. In fact I saw my ex with another woman for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I had to go through the process of disengaging again, in a slightly different way, because I encountered a new circumstance. Keep focusing on you and healing. You will get there!

 
Wools

Thank you! That helps a lot, too. It's nice to know that it does eventually get better than this, and better than it was while in the relationship with pwBPD. I plan on continuing therapy and not dating until I know I'm more healed, like you said, So many questions

[WhatToDo47]

Love is Hard, yes, do not date until you are healed. Otherwise, you will be caught in a cycle of being reminded that the person you are with is not your ex. By spending time with myself exercising, skiing, hiking, reading, writing, seeing friends, I was able to clearly recognize when I was healed and ready to start dating again. It's important to be by yourself so that you can see, without any distractions, the progress you are making in your healing. You can then more quickly recognize when you are ready to start dating again. 

I didn't experience a lot of toxicity in my relationship, either because I didn't recognize it, or because it didn't really exist. Things did start changing the last month of my ex and my encounter together, I did start recognizing things were starting to shift with her - some of her behaviors were alarming, but, as I said, they were just beginning. Funny how she dumped me about two weeks after I had a talk with her about her behavior (I had to follow rules, not her; her suspicions and hyper vigilant inquiries; her expectations that I literally read her mind; her sullen mood; etc. etc.) She might have sensed that I was beginning to see what she was becoming.

You'll get there. It's a wide, wonderful world out there with infinite possibilities. Your best days are ahead!

This helps, too. I recognize the subtle but undeniable slide during the devalue and discard phase. I also was abandoned/divorced. This was not a separation I ever planned on or ever would have done if she didn't.

I so much appreciate the encouragement and positivity from all of you and on these boards. It's inspirational. I will focus on myself now, to heal. That's great advice the way you phrased it.

And I know if people who were in even longer relationships than me can do it, I can, too.

So thankful for you all.

One thing is for sure, I NEVER want to repeat the cycle I was just exposed to. Life is precious and short, and that level of toxicity and insanity takes its toll. I have sympathy for her, but not a desire to be emotionally demolished for no discernable reason yet again.

[So many questions]

Love is Hard, yes, do not date until you are healed. Otherwise, you will be caught in a cycle of being reminded that the person you are with is not your ex. By spending time with myself exercising, skiing, hiking, reading, writing, seeing friends, I was able to clearly recognize when I was healed and ready to start dating again. It's important to be by yourself so that you can see, without any distractions, the progress you are making in your healing. You can then more quickly recognize when you are ready to start dating again. 

I didn't experience a lot of toxicity in my relationship, either because I didn't recognize it, or because it didn't really exist. Things did start changing the last month of my ex and my encounter together, I did start recognizing things were starting to shift with her - some of her behaviors were alarming, but, as I said, they were just beginning. Funny how she dumped me about two weeks after I had a talk with her about her behavior (I had to follow rules, not her; her suspicions and hyper vigilant inquiries; her expectations that I literally read her mind; her sullen mood; etc. etc.) She might have sensed that I was beginning to see what she was becoming.

You'll get there. It's a wide, wonderful world out there with infinite possibilities. Your best days are ahead!

Sigh, it’s a harsh reality that I will be alone for a really long time. I have codependency and anxious attachment issues; yet had a great childhood. Not sure where it comes from. I already see her in every interaction I’m in; so dating is a long ways away.

I was were you were, happy, overlooking the toxicity. Following her high standards and rules; while she disregarded them in her own life.. Her insecurity inquiries were valid yet mine were controlling and jealous. Peculiar behavior and reactions that seemed like it stemmed from guilt. Until I too thought I could talk to her about it.

That was it. Nothing was ever the same. Instead of breaking it off like yours did. It just escalated each time. I still hadn’t heard of BPD and was just along for the ride trying to figure what was going on.  More lies, disappearing, things not adding up, walking on eggshells every second of the day.. Followed by a catastrophic break down that resulted in me setting aside my feelings, and comforting her because she “didn’t know what was wrong with her mind”. Make up and love bomb. Back to the honeymoon highs. Every single time.

I realize now she was trying to get me to end things, or convince herself of why she should. The second I caught her in a lie, I was painted black.

[WhatToDo47]

Sigh, it’s a harsh reality that I will be alone for a really long time. I have codependency and anxious attachment issues; yet had a great childhood. Not sure where it comes from. I already see her in every interaction I’m in; so dating is a long ways away.

I was were you were, happy, overlooking the toxicity. Following her high standards and rules; while she disregarded them in her own life.. Her insecurity inquiries were valid yet mine were controlling and jealous. Peculiar behavior and reactions that seemed like it stemmed from guilt. Until I too thought I could talk to her about it.

That was it. Nothing was ever the same. Instead of breaking it off like yours did. It just escalated each time. I still hadn’t heard of BPD and was just along for the ride trying to figure what was going on.  More lies, disappearing, things not adding up, walking on eggshells every second of the day.. Followed by a catastrophic break down that resulted in me setting aside my feelings, and comforting her because she “didn’t know what was wrong with her mind”. Make up and love bomb. Back to the honeymoon highs. Every single time.

I realize now she was trying to get me to end things, or convince herself of why she should. The second I caught her in a lie, I was painted black.

I can so relate. I also had a great childhood, and have a great life and relationships other than this. I’m starting to realize that some of my earliest romantic relationships were with people with BPD traits, I think that might be part of it. And also being successful in every other area, and wanting to share that success and my great family with someone who didn’t have it.
The entire cycle you describe sounds EXACTLY like the one that I was subjected to, and still am, just from afar now.

Even now, as she’s pushing forward with a divorce because she needs money, she’s trying to bait me into exploding, being the one to push it forward, so she can blame me for abandoning her. I won’t do it. I will not be another to abandon her.
But I also won’t accept these behaviors. That’s why I’m here on the leaving board, to detach while also forcing her to be the one to end it, so that she can see that there are some people that won’t abandon her or stop loving her, but also that love doesn’t equal tolerating her abuse.
Do you have any specific examples of what you experienced that you want to share? She sounds A LOT like my ex(ish) wife.

I can especially relate to any emotions of mine being invalidated and "controlling."

[Mack1]

Hi there.
It’s incredible how nearly every story on her is similar.
I detached the second I started hearing the same quotes and BS reasons why we broke up 10 years ago. Saw the personality switch in front of my eyes and luckily I found this site, started reflecting on my life with her and slapped myself for being so blind.
Admittedly, I struggled in the first break-up but I was younger and knew nothing about BPD.
What made me so mad was how she could admit the abuse in her childhood affected her ability to trust, forcing me to cut ties and refrain from talking or even smiling at females.
But, and this is a big BUT. Any mention of how the abuse may be causing these other feeling was met by the answer,
‘I’m fine, I’ve had therapy for that.’
That shows the manipulative traits when she even used the abuse as validation when it suited.
So as hard as it is, do yourself a favour and focus on you, forget them a little more every day and one day you’ll hopefully realise you’re worth way more than to a relationship than they will ever be for anyone.

[WhatToDo47]

Hi there.
It’s incredible how nearly every story on her is similar.
I detached the second I started hearing the same quotes and BS reasons why we broke up 10 years ago. Saw the personality switch in front of my eyes and luckily I found this site, started reflecting on my life with her and slapped myself for being so blind.
Admittedly, I struggled in the first break-up but I was younger and knew nothing about BPD.
What made me so mad was how she could admit the abuse in her childhood affected her ability to trust, forcing me to cut ties and refrain from talking or even smiling at females.
But, and this is a big BUT. Any mention of how the abuse may be causing these other feeling was met by the answer,
‘I’m fine, I’ve had therapy for that.’
That shows the manipulative traits when she even used the abuse as validation when it suited.
So as hard as it is, do yourself a favour and focus on you, forget them a little more every day and one day you’ll hopefully realise you’re worth way more than to a relationship than they will ever be for anyone.

Thank you. This helps a lot and is great advice as always. She sounds exactly like my wife, same terms, same tactics, everything. Going to be re-reading this one and remembering that I don't have to ruin my life for someone who doesn't even care.