Sabotage? maybe my mother wants me to fail

[CryingGame]

Hello,
Would love some feedback/thoughts. My bpd mother "came back" to me a few years ago and soon after I faced a difficult health crisis. She was my friend and support during it. Fast forward to the last year and I was like a phoenix so much so that I entered a new field and had just recently returned to work. I am learning a new field and it's a lot of work. I've been very happy about it and excited and hopeful. A few weeks after it started my mother did her thing, where something I said was taken wrong, so wrong that she stopped talking to me. But the way she does it is very serious. Even though I live very far away and don't travel, the first time it happened, 30 yrs ago, she changed her phone number! A few years into it I got her new number and called her and told her I love you and I miss you. She screamed at me and hung up. We reunited after about 7 yrs ... then had our phone relationship for about 10yrs ... then one call, one thing said and she raged at me and hung up and was gone for about 11 yrs. (My husband heard the rage as I put it on speaker. No one had ever heard them but my foo and it was good to have a witness.) Now this time. I don't see a reunion happening. BUT then this war started and another family member has been having struggles that weigh heavily on me and I am feeling SO DYSFUNCTIONAL. I need to get better. I want to get better. It all feels so heavy and sad. It feels so very sad.  I love her and in general I love having a mom as difficult as it is. Or maybe I don't love it. I'm lonely, covid has been lonely ... the child in me wants her mommy.

I was upset and depressed for a few days ... then found about this site and the book walking on eggshells. My new job has been going well and that made me very happy. Today I started thinking she is trying to sabotage me ... because she has this power to elicit feelings of unworthiness in me. I didn't say anything mean or rude and I understand that her illness makes what I said seem hateful to her and it hurt her and she's lashed out in the way that she does. She's a hermit and sees no one but a grandchild. Yet on the phone with me she'd talk on and on about her self and her life. Anyway that's my mother. She's very sweet and kind and soft on the one hand but cruel and angry and accusatory and revengeful on the other hand. She is very dysfunctional. But inside I feel like her sometimes. When I don't I'm jumping for joy. Hard to hold both although of course that's real life, we all have challenges and struggles and pain.

Oh my goodness it's hard being the daughter of a woman like her. She is a hoarder, dresses horribly, hates taking care of herself like showering or dressing nice,  car is a mess, running very late and disheveled, angry in public, drinks, has no shame in saying bad things about other people--putting them down. (So sorry to write these things. She's also smart and funny and can be very kind and caring although now I'm wondering if it's a manipulation to feel needed, acting like she cares and being supported for her own ego.) That is one boundry I wish I could have set. I've listened to her talk badly about others all my life and really hate it. She's unhappy with others and doesn't do well in a social setting. She didn't have a career. She does praise herself for being intelligent and better than others, sadly. I'm opposite of all this, in spite of having a role model like her I've enjoyed social relationships, making myself look attractive, having success longterm love relationships and my marriage, advanced degrees and success in my careers, but underneath I have this shame, that I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to have good or success, that I'm not loved and loveable.

I feel scared that what I'm going through now will wear me down and I don't want it to. I don't sleep well and that takes the wind out of my sails and I need that wind to cope and be resilient. I feel ashamed and guilty about all of this. I see a therapist but once a week is not enough right now and she has to change our visits to every other week due to a change in her schedule. That's not enough for me. So hard to start with a new therapist, hate that I feel I have to.

Anyway, trying to tell myself that it's okay to stare into space and lay around because I'm still doing a lot of other things, I am going to work---a new job takes a lot out of someone especially with these stresses. How to love myself back to a good place? So many ways to work on myself and I'm reading all kinds of self-help books but maybe spread too thin. How to be well in a world with war? ... when you long for Love. I wish I was in a support group in person. Have spent a lot of time home alone, more than ever due to covid.

This is upsetting, sad, tragic, awful and true? Is this real? Is it true? I feel like I want to collapse and sleep for a few years, escape this madness and pain. Maybe I'll look for a zoom therapy group for this topic of bpd.

The craziness of being and feeling LOVED by your mother but also being so rejected and abused. Silent treatment of someone in this way is abuse. May also be a blessing as I guess I'd rather fight this battle on my own than actively verbally with her. I don't know. It also bleeds over to my other foo members only because they are not happy relationships either ... and I'm an idealist, want a happy family. I guess like all grief one must learn to live with it, it won't ever not be sad/bad/mad. I can't fix it though. Thank you for reading.

[PearlsBefore]

Quickie post - I always suggest "Understanding the Borderline Mother" as the BEST resource for understanding BPD mothers actions towards young children; there are other books aimed at adult children of BPD mothers but they are typically "not as good" in my amateur opinion. But it helps to gain perspective on why your childhood looked the way it did, and maybe recognise the ways your mother has improved or declined over the years with a more neutral position.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi CryingGame,

Thank you for sharing with us some of what is going on inside you. It's a lot, isn't it? It's so normal to feel so many things. Sometimes in my early T, I felt like I was so lost, going back and forth in my emotions and gaining some footing was tough. Take it one day at a time. I am sorry that you are losing some of the time with your T. Keep searching for what you need.

The book PearlsBefore suggested is very good. Another book that has been very helpful to me is Surviving a Borderline Mother . There are some good exercises that you can work on or have your T help you with.

Have you read through any of our steps in our Survivor to Thriver program? Where do you think you are in the steps? You can click on any of the steps to open them up and read more detail.

Let us know how you're doing today.

 
Wools

[Goldcrest]

Hey CryingGame,

I felt a so sad reading your post, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to the pain of the push/pull nature of your mother. The stabilising times when you feel she loves you and the utterly destabilising times when she suddenly withdraws that love. My therapist once described this to me as annihilating. If you look at the situation as a whole you can see your mum is sometimes good enough and sometimes deeply rejecting. What I have come to understand with my mother is that I cannot live a healthy life hoping to be connected to someone with this pattern of caring.

Oh my goodness it's hard being the daughter of a woman like her. She is a hoarder, dresses horribly, hates taking care of herself like showering or dressing nice,  car is a mess, running very late and disheveled, angry in public, drinks, has no shame in saying bad things about other people--putting them down. (So sorry to write these things. She's also smart and funny and can be very kind and caring although now I'm wondering if it's a manipulation to feel needed, acting like she cares and being supported for her own ego.) That is one boundry I wish I could have set. I've listened to her talk badly about others all my life and really hate it. She's unhappy with others and doesn't do well in a social setting. She didn't have a career. She does praise herself for being intelligent and better than others, sadly. I'm opposite of all this, in spite of having a role model like her I've enjoyed social relationships, making myself look attractive, having success longterm love relationships and my marriage, advanced degrees and success in my careers, but underneath I have this shame, that I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to have good or success, that I'm not loved and loveable.

I feel scared that what I'm going through now will wear me down and I don't want it to. I don't sleep well and that takes the wind out of my sails and I need that wind to cope and be resilient. I feel ashamed and guilty about all of this. I see a therapist but once a week is not enough right now and she has to change our visits to every other week due to a change in her schedule. That's not enough for me. So hard to start with a new therapist, hate that I feel I have to.

CryingGame You are resilient. Growing up with the childhood you have experienced and all the associated pain means you are resilient because you survived and you are making a success of your life outside of the relationship to your mother. I don't know if your mum is trying to sabotage you, I have certainly wondered at times the same about my mother. What I do know is you are hurting and I want for you to feel better and to find ways to look after you and protect yourself from further pain? I try to imagine myself as both mother and child, and then think what would I do if I was caring for a child that was hurting? Try to apply that to myself, think of the things I would say. I wonder what you might write to me if I had written your post? Take good care of yourself. I am so sorry you are hurting 

[CryingGame]

Quickie post - I always suggest "Understanding the Borderline Mother" as the BEST resource for understanding BPD mothers actions towards young children; there are other books aimed at adult children of BPD mothers but they are typically "not as good" in my amateur opinion. But it helps to gain perspective on why your childhood looked the way it did, and maybe recognise the ways your mother has improved or declined over the years with a more neutral position.

Thank you Pearls. I did own that book years ago and found it overwhelming. Maybe because as a perfectionist I feel I must comprehend the full picture of things and that book was so big. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it because looking at it today might be different. AND it was expensive! My mother improved by way of me not living with her or being in person with her very often. 

[CryingGame]

Hi CryingGame,

Thank you for sharing with us some of what is going on inside you. It's a lot, isn't it? It's so normal to feel so many things. Sometimes in my early T, I felt like I was so lost, going back and forth in my emotions and gaining some footing was tough. Take it one day at a time. I am sorry that you are losing some of the time with your T. Keep searching for what you need.

The book PearlsBefore suggested is very good. Another book that has been very helpful to me is Surviving a Borderline Mother . There are some good exercises that you can work on or have your T help you with.

Have you read through any of our steps in our Survivor to Thriver program? Where do you think you are in the steps? You can click on any of the steps to open them up and read more detail.

Let us know how you're doing today.

 
Wools

Thank you so much Wools, I'll check out that book. I've read some of the steps and think it would be helpful to do them with a therapist. I feel some of the work I've done over the years but not as part of a pathway like that. So feel hopeful reading it. The hurtful behaviors, the abuse, needs some light shed on it and witnessing.

It was helpful for me to pour out my feelings/thoughts yesterday. I also contacted 4 therapists and left messages as I really do want weekly sessions. Those 2 things helped me pop back up to hopeful and not as depressed. I also kept reminding myself that I did achieve some things yesterday, get some things done, and was allowed a partially down day.

Thank you for your warmth.

[CryingGame]

Hey CryingGame,

I felt a so sad reading your post, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to the pain of the push/pull nature of your mother. The stabilising times when you feel she loves you and the utterly destabilising times when she suddenly withdraws that love. My therapist once described this to me as annihilating. If you look at the situation as a whole you can see your mum is sometimes good enough and sometimes deeply rejecting. What I have come to understand with my mother is that I cannot live a healthy life hoping to be connected to someone with this pattern of caring.
 

CryingGame You are resilient. Growing up with the childhood you have experienced and all the associated pain means you are resilient because you survived and you are making a success of your life outside of the relationship to your mother. I don't know if your mum is trying to sabotage you, I have certainly wondered at times the same about my mother. What I do know is you are hurting and I want for you to feel better and to find ways to look after you and protect yourself from further pain? I try to imagine myself as both mother and child, and then think what would I do if I was caring for a child that was hurting? Try to apply that to myself, think of the things I would say. I wonder what you might write to me if I had written your post? Take good care of yourself. I am so sorry you are hurting 

Goldcrest, I burst into tears while reading your reply, it really touched my heart. I thank you  for your understanding and sharing. I'd like to see your therapist! How did you choose one, did you already know your mom had this and look for someone who was familiar with it?

I do want to protect myself from further pain. Seems right now I need to get the daggers pulled out of me and heal the wounds, acknowledge that they are wounds. It's like an issue for me, is it really abuse, did it really happen, how can she be so loving and yet behave like this. I've talked in therapy in the past about it and do not remember it being acknowledged as much as I feel I need to believe it myself or suggested it could be bpd. Maybe I need to review the FOG because I remember that term and it is like I'm in a FOG. Like if the tree fell in the woods or noone heard it ... or the mother screamed at you but no one heard it kind of thing.

[PearlsBefore]

(for anyone who wants the book, send me a PM - I don't send the entire book because that'd be piracy - but I do have a PDF or three of segments of the book that I can send as fair use for critical commentary and sampling...it'll give you a taste of it. Same with other BPD books, feel free to ask.)

[Woolspinner2000]

Good to read your responses CryingGame.  I'm glad you had a better day with a bit of sunshine breaking into your soul.

Those initial days of T for me were times I felt like I was walking in darkness so much. I understand what you're going through; most of us do who have had a parent with BPD. Weekly sessions in T helped me to hold on, and I am glad to hear that you're pursuing that goal with another T. Be sure to ask if they have experience in trauma T and/or BPD. With time I can give you hope that it does indeed get better. I began to see light come into my life and then some brightness and increased life. I was also dealing with a difficult marriage, so it took a lot of processing and work, but I sense in you that same resilience that is a wonderful characteristic of us adult children of a pwBPD. 

You mentioned in your response to Goldcrest that you wonder if it was abuse. One day my T asked me if I was abused, and I denied it, telling him I was the problem. But that question intrigued me, and I started asking my friends and mentors how they'd define abuse. It was a gradual process for me to discover and understand what abuse means and what it is. Memories are foggy for most of us, but if you have glimmers of memories, they most likely are a small picture of what you experienced, so don't discount them.

What self care are you able to do for yourself this day?

 
Wools

[CryingGame]

Good to read your responses CryingGame.  I'm glad you had a better day with a bit of sunshine breaking into your soul.

What self care are you able to do for yourself this day?

 
Wools

Hi Wools, good morning, wow you had a lot going on at the same time!

How about you what is something you have in your self-care? For me these days reading here and the materials is very helpful. Also I've been laying on the floor and stretching my body out.

I love what you wrote about SUNSHINE BREAKING INTO YOUR SOUL. Great way to put it.

Connection and support here are so valuable. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the information but I did download the book with the 21 steps and am considering doing that with a therapist. Also I want to go to one of those meetings I read about yesterday--- but am having trouble finding the link today. It is something like Adult Children who have been through abuse.

 

[Goldcrest]

Hi CryingGame,

I'd like to see your therapist! How did you choose one, did you already know your mom had this and look for someone who was familiar with it?

My first therapist was way back in the early 90s. I had developed an eating disorder after moving back home when I finished at art college. My mother was coming up to the menopause and my dad was retiring - she was losing control. Being back home and the control my mother had over me was killing me. I literally could not breathe and she would not let me separate from her again. I couldn't do anything without her having control or causing a fight. I had gone from the freedom of being away at College to being dominated again. I became very unwell and I realised pretty quickly it was because of her. So I looked up a therapist in the Yellow Pages (the days before internet LOL) a sort of directory we used to have. I worked with her for around 4 years and then I had the strength to leave home again and finally move away 200 miles. I sort of did okay for a bit then I was violently attacked at work by a patient (mental health work) and this time I was offered free counselling for 12 weeks. That therapist was so good that I started seeing her privately. She was a holistic therapist but mostly psychodynamic and that style of therapy worked well for me because of the strict boundaries. It protected me from knowing too much about her, I could feel like the space was mine and I didn't need to impress or please her. I saw my therapist for 7 years, then was lucky to go back to her again and again, when I needed to, over the following 14 years. So she has known me for 21 years in total.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi CryingGame,

Today I had a long day of work, but it was nice enough that I got out in the sunshine and took a 30 minute walk after work and listened to a podcast. Now it's nearly bedtime for me, and I usually take time to slow down, listen to some quiet music and read something. I have lots of books around! Depends on what I'm in the mood for. At the moment I'm reading a history book about Abigail Adams, the wife of John Adams who was so influential during the early days of the birth of the USA. It's mindless reading which allows me to not read anything heavy before bed.

I love your idea of stretching! That helps all those tight muscles and can bring some relaxation to them.

Tomorrow is a new day. 
Wools

[CryingGame]

Hi CryingGame,
She was a holistic therapist but mostly psychodynamic and that style of therapy worked well for me because of the strict boundaries. It protected me from knowing too much about her, I could feel like the space was mine and I didn't need to impress or please her. I saw my therapist for 7 years, then was lucky to go back to her again and again, when I needed to, over the following 14 years. So she has known me for 21 years in total.

That's great, very nice to hear about and to have someone in your life that long. Thank you. I'll have a consultation with someone tomorrow.

[CryingGame]

Hi CryingGame,

 got out in the sunshine and took a 30 minute walk after work and listened to a podcast. Now it's nearly bedtime for me, and I usually take time to slow down, listen to some quiet music and read something. I have lots of books around! Depends on what I'm in the mood for. 

I love your idea of stretching! That helps all those tight muscles and can bring some relaxation to them.

Tomorrow is a new day. 
Wools

Thank you and yes it is! Nice to hear about you!