Self-absorption is the stealth symptom

[WhoaBaby]

Self-absorption is the stealth symptom of BPD, IMO. It isn't one of the 9 diagnostic criteria, but it is among the most consistent and egregious of behaviors of my dBPDw. Even if she isn't actively arguing and splitting and spinning, she is very self-centered. I have read many boards and checked out many sites with listings of BPD behaviors and I don't recall mention this self-centered orientation, probably because it is common to most disorders and goes without saying (?). Someone will probably say it could be co-morbid NPD, but I don't see any of the other NPD symptoms like manipulation and arrogance.
She was only diagnosed 6 weeks ago. She is obsessively reading up on BPD, and that's a very good thing. But she only talks about how it affects HER, concentrating on her past injuries and abandonments, and how her emotional disregulation is so hard on her, with no mention of how hard it is for others (like, say, me) to deal with. She doesn't admit yet to her role in interpersonal conflicts; she didn't do anything to make those happen... Her therapist has not challenged this mindset (yet).
IOW, the fighting is bad enough, but she is also not able to engage me in an actual relationship. We went for a walk yesterday and she went on and on about her bad weekend, but never asked me once how I was doing. It is very very lonely here. And I am only recently seeing how much of a caretaker I've been, allowing this mindset to fester.
There is a chance I suppose, that this is a temporary adjustment period to the new diagnosis, but I mostly see it as yet another example of how it has always been. Maybe one day her eyes will stop looking inward, and the clouds will part and she'll say, "I see things so differently now. How are you?" What is the likelihood of that?

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[Cat Familiar]

Self absorption and lack of empathy seem like two different ways of describing the same behavior.

[WhoaBaby]

Re empathy, the irony here is that my BPDw thinks that I am the one who is not empathic, because in her view an empathic person cries a lot and emotes prodigiously, which she does and I don't, therefore I'm not empathic.
But she's half right, I have read. A recent article, from where I can't remember, supposed two kinds of empathy. One is a mirroring kind where we link up with the other's immediate emotions and share their pain and joy, the other is "cognitive empathy" where we try to walk in the other one's shoes, and see their point of view, and understand where they are coming from.
The study showed that BPDs are great at the first one and very very bad at the second.

[Cat Familiar]

A recent article, from where I can't remember, supposed two kinds of empathy. One is a mirroring kind where we link up with the other's immediate emotions and share their pain and joy, the other is "cognitive empathy" where we try to walk in the other one's shoes, and see their point of view, and understand where they are coming from.
The study showed that BPDs are great at the first one and very very bad at the second.

It seems they’re good at sympathy, but not so good at empathy.