Coming to terms with what happened

[Depression = 72% of members]

For several months, I dated someone long-distance who was raised by someone with extreme BPD and who was extraordinarily physically and emotionally abusive and maniuplative--nightmarishly so. My ex's BPD parent committed suicide, as did one of his siblings. His other parent has serious character flaws as well.

My ex did not believe he suffered from BPD. But after months of intense, lengthy, daily conversations in which he said extraordinary things about me and his visions for our imminent marriage (we are both very religious and the expectation is that dating isn't that drawn out), he essentially dismissed me in the middle of our date on my first trip to visit him. I was suffering from a bad cold, and he didn't feel I was acting sufficiently "swept off my feet." He asked me to change my flight and return early. (He paid a lot for this trip, including flights, a nice hotel, and a show we never even saw.) I am still reeling.

[Stunned87]

For several months, I dated someone long-distance who was raised by someone with extreme BPD and who was extraordinarily physically and emotionally abusive and maniuplative--nightmarishly so. My ex's BPD parent committed suicide, as did one of his siblings. His other parent has serious character flaws as well.

My ex did not believe he suffered from BPD. But after months of intense, lengthy, daily conversations in which he said extraordinary things about me and his visions for our imminent marriage (we are both very religious and the expectation is that dating isn't that drawn out), he essentially dismissed me in the middle of our date on my first trip to visit him. I was suffering from a bad cold, and he didn't feel I was acting sufficiently "swept off my feet." He asked me to change my flight and return early. (He paid a lot for this trip, including flights, a nice hotel, and a show we never even saw.) I am still reeling.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[So many questions]

I’m sorry for what you are going through. He might not have BPD but he most certainly has trauma from all that has happened to him.

Since it seems fairly new, he may not be able to process his emotions and seeing you triggered a lot of those. I would try speaking to him calmly about it and get a read on how he handles conflict.

There isn’t much else you can do. I tried and tried and tried to help my ex while we were together. Occasionally it would help and we would find common ground, but in reality, by telling her I thought something may be off mentally, sparked her devaluation.

Instead of seeing I’m there for her and want to help, she takes it as she’s being exposed for the person she really is. It’s a viscous cycle and I hope your SO doesn’t have BPD.

Keep us updated

[Stunned87]

Thanks. I asked if we could talk and he very curtly responded that the relationship is over and "cannot be renegotiated." Finding this site has been helpful; it is just incredible to me that the morning of our meeting we were discussing wedding dates and by the afternoon he seemed to have checked out entirely. The person I thought I knew (who had previously expressed concern for me) just wasn't there. He did cry a little when we were breaking up, but I just felt like he couldn't understand that I was sick, exhausted (I had flown in the night before and we had an early start) and not myself. He just kept saying I didn't seem as passionate and excited as he was and that he needed more intensity. It was devastating.

[Ellala]

I am so sorry you are going through this… sounds symptomatic of BPD, but the diagnosis isn't so important. I recognize some of the behaviors you describe in my ex as well… after he broke up the first time, I was in shock. And denial… I couldn't accept what had just happened.  He reached back out, apologized and was super remorseful.  We ended up getting back together and he broke up again… the second time just as abrupt and confusing as the first. The more time we were together, the more I saw the instability/reactivity, aggressiveness, and impulsiveness surface.

You deserve a man who will fully accept you as you are… and who has a listening and empathy for how you are. You had a cold. You had just traveled. Probably tired, and may be nervous? How awful that instead of caring for you and providing a relaxing space,  your ex decided that was the time to breakup? Where is the empathy in that?
(my ex did something similar). And to send you back… that must have really hurt.

The behaviors are mind boggling. 

I've read and saw the pattern in my ex , that pwBPD may have a difficult time when their partners need something. Like it's welcome that we be strong and support them, but the moment we need support, they are triggered and out of there.  Also, I noticed the closer and more intimate we seemed to become, the harder he pushed me away...

I think we both dodged a bullet.

Sending you hugs.
El

[Stunned87]

Thank you so much; I needed to hear this and it is truly kind of you to take the time to offer this support. It really means a lot. Warmest wishes to you in recovering from what sounds like a series of awful experiences with your ex.

[Rev]

Thank you so much; I needed to hear this and it is truly kind of you to take the time to offer this support. It really means a lot. Warmest wishes to you in recovering from what sounds like a series of awful experiences with your ex.

Hi Stunned...

So many unanswered questions. It's the collateral damage of these kinds of relationships. It can really leave a hole in one's soul - so to speak.

I think, at least for me, it was the toughest part of getting past an abusive, manipulative and mind spinning relationship. It took me two full years to get her out of my system and another 6 months to grow into a healthier version of myself.

The effort it takes is something to behold. Almost so much that one really ought not "look down" while one is trying to put the pieces back together.

The main thing I would share here is that the effort is so worth it.

Hang in there. Keep reaching out.

No one deserves that kind of treatment. Glad you are here with us.

Rev

[Stunned87]

Apologies for the delay, and thank you so much. A few weeks in I am slowly starting to feel more like myself. I am trying to take the good from the experience of getting to know this person, who in many ways is quite remarkable; he has done a lot with his life despite a truly terrible upbringing. It feels like a tragedy that it ended this way--painful for both of us but in some ways more damaging for him.