A fragmented truth

[Riv3rW0lf]

I could write this in my journal, but somehow I felt like sharing it with this group, which I consider a safe space to share, would maybe bring me more validation, or at least force me to acknowledge this is real and I am not going crazy... I aso find it easier to write and talk about it in another language than my mother tongue...If you want to share your own stories and have yourself experienced repressed memories, please do so...

This might be heavy and triggering for some..
 
I started therapy last week. But I don't think this guy can help me. The truth is, I am not sure something is really wrong with me. That time in November at my mother's house brought up a lot of trauma, but I am confident I can find my way back to myself again. Yoga, HIIT.. they have a way to bring me back to myself...

Only, I read three books recently.. the cPTSD one, Reinvente your life, and ... The body keeps the score.

And I started having flashbacks. I shared multiple times on here that I got very good at dissociating when I was young... Recently, I started seeing, feeling bits and pieces, here and there in my memory, that didn't add up. And when I read a piece about abuse, sexual abuse... I started feeling so distressed, and a name kept coming up to my mind. And a shape. The shape of a man, in my doorway. Light behind him, so I only see his dark shadow. And my heart tightens to that image. And I feel deeply sad and distressed.

That night, I dreamt I had to go into the ocean, to the bottom, wake up a monster that was asleep. And this dream was followed by someone giving me a earpin, much too big for my ears. I woke up feeling weird.

That name, I can remember it. This man... He possessed a bar and my mother frequented him for a while... 3 years. I was 6 years old when they started dating. I remember his house, his dog, his garage, the lilac tree up front, his snowmobile, but not him. Not his face.

I have this memory of being on a snowmobile with him.. and somehow when I think of it, it brings a sexual feeling up. And heartache.

So I started thinking... What happened during that time?

I remember that: I started gaining a lot of weight... I dreamt of wolves. At my father's house, I didn't want to sleep in my own bed anymore, I started to ask him to sleep in his bed because it felt safer than sleeping alone, although I had never had any issues with it before... I started talking about penis, and sex, making sadistic jokes about cutting off my father's penis... I started having trouble breathing on the way to mom's house, and dad would stare at me like an alien... He wasn't getting it.

Yesterday, as I was sitting and reading more The body keeps the score.. I stopped reading because I felt drunk, and hurt. Like a distant memory of having been given alcool. And something in my mouth. And the shadow.

A shadow that came back often in my life. The first time I touched myself that I remember, I was 12, and that night I had a lucid dream... The violent shadow  of a man was watching my bed. It came back after another dream when I was 15.. In the dream, I was talking to little Riverwolf, and she got scared and said we didn't have time anymore to discuss. I woke up with the shadow of a man on me. I felt distressed, sat in my bed. No one.

I started to believe in spirits. Thought one was following me. It came back to rape me when I was 18. During a simple afternoon nap.

It wasn't a spirit. It is a memory. A repressed memory.

Thinking about it brings immense emotional distress. And I now know it to be true.

My husband said not to suggest things to myself. But I am not suggesting, just observing my body. Letting the fragmented memories flow to my conscious mind.

All my life I wanted to please men but when they got too close, I was scared. Shut down. I wanted love, but didn't want proximity. Any surprise touches repulse me. The fear. The stress. The shame. The feeling of looking difformed all my life. I saw myself as Quasimodo when I was young, litterally. Ugly as hell. And really... I am not. Men tend to find me attractive... Some went as far as to tell me I looked very sexually free... That couldn't be further from the truth. Then I read how abuse changes your hormones, your body... And everything is starting to add up. To make sense.

The years my mom was with this man were the worst of her alcoolism, so my older  brother says... yet I only have "happy" memories of that time... Duh.

My father told me I got weird during those years and he blamed it on the house. He said the man who lived there before us had abused his daughters and he believed I was sensitive to the energy of the house... Duh.

Part of him knew. He. Did. Nothing. He blamed it on the memory of a house. He knew. He never could admit it to himself. It's quite clear now.

One of my friend was molested by her brother during those years. I remember understanding quite well what she was describing. I remember her, her story, how it felt to hear her. I knew, I could empathize with her, because I was going through the exact same thing. But I don't remember it.

This explains so much of my past behaviours.

I might never fully remember. But now I know... Now I understand why my body is the way it is. And I know I am not crazy for those shattered, fragmented memories. This deep void. This deep pain. This deep scare. This deep shame.

But maybe, knowing it, writing about it, acknowledging it...

It changes nothing, really.

But suddenly, so much of my past makes sense.

And this truth will help me integrate my past, and move past it.

But seriously... F*CK mom.

[Woolspinner2000]

Ah Riv3rW0lf, 

I am so sorry. When the memories begin to release, it is a lot. You have enough fragments to piece together the picture, and lil' Riv3rW0lf needs someone to hear what she is finally trying to share. She needs safety and care which I know you are giving her. There are many things I still do not remember, but many snips of memories came back to me, especially early in my T.

I don't recall if you have a T? This would be something to walk through with them, and we are also here to walk with you. It took courage and bravery to tell someone and feel safe with us. Thank you.

Now that the light is shining on some of those dark places, the light will no longer let the darkness hide.

 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

Now that the light is shining on some of those dark places, the light will no longer let the darkness hide.

I really like that. Brought up some tears of relief. Thank you Wools.

Yes, I found a T who specializes in trauma. He wanted me to start schematherapy and had me read a book. I don't know how I feel about him just yet... I am not comfortable, which I think is normal when one get started in therapy. I am unsure if he can truly bring me further.

Part of me is actually relieved to finally make sense out of all those weird experiences... I am left with profound anger toward my mother though.

She wrote to my daughter today saying she misses her. Little me went on a rampage hitting her again and again in her head. She misses my daughter, what a stupid joke. She loves her grandchildren so much, yet she hates her own children. Well, I have absolutely no love left for her now that I am tasting the extent of the trauma she put me through. Just rage.

[Woolspinner2000]

I don't know how I feel about him just yet... I am not comfortable, which I think is normal when one get started in therapy. I am unsure if he can truly bring me further.

This is very common Riv3rW0lf. It takes time to trust the T you choose. I know it took me quite a while. We adult children of a pwBPD struggle to trust. I had to learn to trust that my T knew where he was taking me. I think you'll know after a bit if it's a good fit or not.

She loves her grandchildren so much, yet she hates her own children.

My uBPDm was good at not showing my kids who she was. I wanted them to have as normal of a relationship with her as they could, so I worked hard at not coloring their vision of who she was. When they became adults, it was pretty clear that they could see she was different. My middle D said she remembers seeing Grandma not treating me well and wondered at that. I don't understand how they can make their kids out to be so bad and yet be okay with so many others. Factually I know the way it works,  but like you, my brain still says it's not right.

Keep hanging in there.
 
Wools

[CryingGame]

Glad you shared it Riverwolf. I'm sorry it's there and wish good release and healing for you. How dare your mother not protect you? You should have been seen and cared for. I'm glad you're here doing that now.

I've wondered if "it" is there in my past. There is a certain memory/fear that lingers. Have a friend who remembered way later in life.

The work here seems very fitting and appropriate, I just started reading through the workbook with the 21 steps.

Very uncomfortable starting with a new T for me too ... and my mother also loves her grandkids more than her kids, she likes them and projects her shame and self-hatred on to us kids I think. It is all so very harsh.

Hope you sleep and dream Well.

[Notwendy]

There isn't anything wrong with you!

Consider this- people may need therapy not because something is wrong with them, but possibly because something is right with them!

People consult a therapist to help them grow emotionally. One way to grow emotionally is to deal with past emotional trauma. If a person is willing to work with a therapist to do that, they have insight and want to help themselves. That sounds like a lot of "something is right".

Actually, I think it's the people who need therapy but refuse to consider it because they think they don't have a problem who are the most concerning.

Having memories come back can be upsetting but consider this- they are there so you can process them. I also did a lot of dissociating as a kid. Teachers would tell my parents I was "daydreaming" a lot in class. I have blocked out memories too. One came back a few years ago- and as you described, vague, fuzzy images. Noise, police in the house. Then I wondered- did my mother attempt suicide? Did I dream this? A relative confirmed the event. I had forgotten about it.

This is all I can recall- the noise, fuzzy images of police coming into the house. Then nothing else.

Don't judge yourself for your images. You were a child. You are not responsible for what happened to you. They may be scary- but if you are letting yourself bring them to your awareness- you may be ready to work on them.

How much a therapist can help - if they are skilled in this, they can. They aren't "fixing anything wrong with you". They help guide your emotional growth and support you as you do this. My only question is- if you were sexually abused by a man, would you be most comfortable with a male or female therapist? The answer isn't about them- both can be skilled, but how do you feel with each gender?

[Riv3rW0lf]

There isn't anything wrong with you!

Consider this- people may need therapy not because something is wrong with them, but possibly because something is right with them!

People consult a therapist to help them grow emotionally. One way to grow emotionally is to deal with past emotional trauma. If a person is willing to work with a therapist to do that, they have insight and want to help themselves. That sounds like a lot of "something is right".

Actually, I think it's the people who need therapy but refuse to consider it because they think they don't have a problem who are the most concerning.

Having memories come back can be upsetting but consider this- they are there so you can process them. I also did a lot of dissociating as a kid. Teachers would tell my parents I was "daydreaming" a lot in class. I have blocked out memories too. One came back a few years ago- and as you described, vague, fuzzy images. Noise, police in the house. Then I wondered- did my mother attempt suicide? Did I dream this? A relative confirmed the event. I had forgotten about it.

This is all I can recall- the noise, fuzzy images of police coming into the house. Then nothing else.

Don't judge yourself for your images. You were a child. You are not responsible for what happened to you. They may be scary- but if you are letting yourself bring them to your awareness- you may be ready to work on them.

How much a therapist can help - if they are skilled in this, they can. They aren't "fixing anything wrong with you". They help guide your emotional growth and support you as you do this. My only question is- if you were sexually abused by a man, would you be most comfortable with a male or female therapist? The answer isn't about them- both can be skilled, but how do you feel with each gender?

You are absolutely right Notwendy and I will push through. I think part of me is scared of the work ahead.

It is complex for the trust thing... Because while a man abused me, my father is the only safe memory I have. I was terrorized of my mother, and so, I don't trust women either. I think might actually be better, if only because of my father.

Thank you for your wise words, I didn't mean it this way (about nothing wrong with me). It's just that, so far, he just repeated things I have read... But we are just getting started... I guess I just have no idea how all of this work and I find it very hard to let go.

I guess I also wondered if he can actually bring me further than my talks with my husband, who listens a lot too and bring forward my assertiveness already. I guess I don't know? So far he told me to feel, and do yoga, which I already do? I don't know... Maybe just talking is worth it?

[Riv3rW0lf]

This is very common Riv3rW0lf. It takes time to trust the T you choose. I know it took me quite a while. We adult children of a pwBPD struggle to trust. I had to learn to trust that my T knew where he was taking me. I think you'll know after a bit if it's a good fit or not.
 

My uBPDm was good at not showing my kids who she was. I wanted them to have as normal of a relationship with her as they could, so I worked hard at not coloring their vision of who she was. When they became adults, it was pretty clear that they could see she was different. My middle D said she remembers seeing Grandma not treating me well and wondered at that. I don't understand how they can make their kids out to be so bad and yet be okay with so many others. Factually I know the way it works,  but like you, my brain still says it's not right.

Keep hanging in there.
 
Wools

I am going the other way ...

My daughter asked me when we would be seeing grandma... And I said: did you like being there?
She said yes I love her dog
I said: did you find grandma nice with me?
She said : no
I said: and that's why we won't be seeing her for a while.

She is very young, but she understands what it means when someone isn't nice. I would like her to see things for what they are, as hard as it can be sometimes. Me and her father are there to guide her through. But seeing what my mother did to my nephew and niece, what she is doing, turning them against each other and him against his mother... I can't allow her to manipulate my own daughter like that. She is nice with them, but still toxic in the overall family dynamics.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Glad you shared it Riverwolf. I'm sorry it's there and wish good release and healing for you. How dare your mother not protect you? You should have been seen and cared for. I'm glad you're here doing that now.

I've wondered if "it" is there in my past. There is a certain memory/fear that lingers. Have a friend who remembered way later in life.

The work here seems very fitting and appropriate, I just started reading through the workbook with the 21 steps.

Very uncomfortable starting with a new T for me too ... and my mother also loves her grandkids more than her kids, she likes them and projects her shame and self-hatred on to us kids I think. It is all so very harsh.

Hope you sleep and dream Well.

Thank you CryingGame,

I dreamt my brother had trapped me into meeting my mother for breakfast and I pushed her away, saying I wanted nothing to do with her. Woke up feeling good, despite a bit of guilt.

Opening the past does come with a lot of surprises... I think, like Notwendy and Wools said, that the memories come back when we are ready to accept and process them.  I am glad I don't remember more than that, to be honest... 

[Notwendy]

I guess I also wondered if he can actually bring me further than my talks with my husband, who listens a lot too and bring forward my assertiveness already.

Your H sounds wonderful. Mine is more supportive now than he used to be. I think I have had to assert what I need from him. That's not easy, considering that I was raised to not do that, my mother isn't supportive and gets angry for even being asked.

However, I strongly believe that one person can not meet all the needs of someone else and also that a spouse should not be also the therapist. For one, he's not trained to do that. Also the roles are different, as they should be. One can not be romantic and an effective therapist. There needs to be objectivity on the part of the therapist.

I do believe in fidelity and keeping marital vows. When I mean, one person can not meet all our emotional needs, I think some things need to stay between partners and marital issues not shared except in a therapy situation. However, I can also turn to female friends for mutual support, a counselor for any emotional issues and FOO dynamics. This way, a spouse doesn't have the role of sole emotional supporter- I think that's more than they need to handle.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Your H sounds wonderful. Mine is more supportive now than he used to be. I think I have had to assert what I need from him. That's not easy, considering that I was raised to not do that, my mother isn't supportive and gets angry for even being asked.

Well... The way he brings out healthy assertiveness from me is actually from straight to the point conversation and from being himself very assertive. He can admit his wrongs, but he also gets angry and doesn't always feel like helping, but he wants me to be happy and well... So we do have the same issue of me trying to manage his anger and work around it (like taking on 90% of the household work and children care), until I build resentment and he picks up on it, and then we discuss it and find a solution. He is not perfect, but while he has a strong character, he doesn't have my mother's temper, so it's a safe practice ground for me in a sense. That is how I see it anyway.



However, I strongly believe that one person can not meet all the needs of someone else and also that a spouse should not be also the therapist. For one, he's not trained to do that. Also the roles are different, as they should be. One can not be romantic and an effective therapist. There needs to be objectivity on the part of the therapist.

I do believe in fidelity and keeping marital vows. When I mean, one person can not meet all our emotional needs, I think some things need to stay between partners and marital issues not shared except in a therapy situation. However, I can also turn to female friends for mutual support, a counselor for any emotional issues and FOO dynamics. This way, a spouse doesn't have the role of sole emotional supporter- I think that's more than they need to handle.


I was writing in my journal earlier and I actually recognized that the reason I feel in control and mostly untriggered most of the time is likely because I am mostly home with people I know to be safe, i.e. my husband and children. Because the simple family dinner I had last weekend clearly showed I still struggle deeply when people I don't know enter my world... Stressed and guarded. I'd like to get someplace where I can remain calm and grounded. And this is something my husband cannot help with.

I see our discussions on my mother as co-counseling. I ask him what he thinks and he helps find solutions. Mostly: cut her off, . I usually don't lay the full weight of my emotions on him and wait when I am by myself to let it all out (when I can...). So... He helps with my rational brain, but I don't think he can help with my emotional, lizard brain that has most of the hurt I carry... Few people can do that, which is why there are therapists I guess.  

But I agree with you and share your views on fidelity, marital vows. For the emotional needs, I have female friends as well whom I can talk to, but no one to understand molestation and a borderline mother. I am thankful for this group for that. It does fill a need to be understood and be able to share issues of the mind in a safe place. Otherwise, it just stays trapped inside.

All this to say... I am slowly coming to my senses that a therapist is needed... I guess I am unsure how therapy works in the first place. I should give it a couple sessions I guess... I might be a bit harsh and impatient right now.

[Goldcrest]

Riv3rW0lf Just wanted to acknowledge I had read your post and I am sending you a big one of these  and one of these 

[Notwendy]

It seems like your H is a safe person for you. I can relate to managing anger by doing most of the housework and child care- and then building resentment. Growing up with the level of dysfunction we had at home, I think it's inevitable to a certain extent that we bring some of these dynamics into our romantic relationships. Our FOO's have an influence. However, this can also be the stage where we work on these and grow, (in a safer setting hopefully) and it seems both you and your H have found that.

I can discuss my BPD mother with my H, and yet, he's not equipped for the emotional work on my part but I think it's better that a therapist do that. Our spouses are not objective. It's a rule for all people in health care to not treat their family members because of that so even if he was a trained therapist, he would not be the best person to do that for you.

He's seen how my mother treats me, but he can't relate to that. His mother leans towards the co-dependent side but in general, he has a loving, caring, mother- a mother who makes lovely home cooked meals, a stable temperament, a generous person. Logically, he understands my situation but he can not relate to it. Sometimes, if I am venting to him ( not her, I would not do that) , he feels it's too harsh, but if you ask him - he admits he doesn't like to spend time with her and understands why I am uncomfortable around her. Yet, emotionally, he can't imagine feeling that way about his mother. He does see that I am doing the best I can to manage relating to her with kindness while not allowing her to be abusive to me.

And I can't relate to his experience. When he tells me things like his mother doing something nice for him like baking cookies, it sounds like something out of a novel to me. I have no memories of things like that. I can not recall where my mother made an effort to connect with me emotionally or do acts of caring like that.

I've had different results with different counselors- some more skilled than others, but having a safe space to share with a professional is a good thing.

[Woolspinner2000]

Riv3rW0lf, I'm glad you're keeping your D safe.

I am going the other way... She is very young, but she understands what it means when someone isn't nice. 

Whatever you need to do to keep you and your children safe is important. I didn't learn about BPD until my two oldest were adults and my youngest child was a teen. Thankfully I lived across the country from my uBPDm, so I never had the opportunity to leave them with her.

Well done in protecting. 

 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

Riv3rW0lf, I'm glad you're keeping your D safe.

Whatever you need to do to keep you and your children safe is important. I didn't learn about BPD until my two oldest were adults and my youngest child was a teen. Thankfully I lived across the country from my uBPDm, so I never had the opportunity to leave them with her.

Well done in protecting. 

 
Wools

Yes, I remember you mentioned something about your niece, who was in high contact with your mother, and became very withdrawn?

I think my mother is not BPD after all... I was watching Dr. Ramani videos on types of narcissistic parents, and when she talked about the malignant narcissist, it hit home. The fear, the terror, the manipulation... And my therapist said BPD usually decreases in intensity overtime, but my mother is still highly paranoiac and will lie to recruit help and caretakers. When I described her behavior, he said she probably was narcissistic.

She will only show love when your thoughts align with hers. I think she is more on the narcissist spectrum than BPD. I am not a professional though, and can only comment from my own experience with her. But I see how she tries to create wedges between my niece/nephew, nephew/sister-in-law, me/brothers, my daughter/me... She is dangerous ... And so, informing my daughter is my way of protecting her from this toxicity.

I don't think all BPD are dangerous, nor all narcissists for that matter... But she definitely is.

[lm1109]

I'm so sorry you experienced this Riverwolf. I wanted to recommend a book that I'm finding really helpful. It's called Happy Days by Gabby Bernstein (Don't let the title deter you) She explains Internal Family Systems, repressed memories and all of the different "parts" of ourselves and how to heal them. I decided to read it because I have also had some extremely traumatic repressed memories surface. This author actually recovered a repressed molestation memory as a child as well, so I thought you might also find this one helpful.

What I've realized through all of this is that my inner child needs me most right now. That little girl that wasn't protected needs flooded with validation and love. The author explained that the reason repressed memories surface when they do is because it finally feels safe enough and we now have the tools to process the extreme trauma, which of course we didn't have as children. In a weird way, I found this comforting, as if my inner child is finally learning that she can fully trust and rely on my adult self.   

Sending you so much support 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Ha! The forum is back! So happy to be in contact with you all again !

Im1109,

I just finished The body keeps the Score, and will absolutely look into Happy Days. I am wondering how to process everything that is coming up right now. I agree with you, my little Riverwolf feels comfortable now getting out. I write a lot and tried "left hand writing" to give her an even stronger voice. I am here for her now, and she knows.

Lots of things are resurfacing. I am not distressed. I cried when this specific molestation memory came back, which is good. But I wasn't distressed... I was very angry at mom though. And I was welcoming to little Riverwolf. I feel relieved to finally know, and understand, and make sense out of the story of my life. It is, after all, who I am. Not the bad memories: the resilience. I am still here. I made it to better days, thanks to this little girl who wanted to live, who kept hoping for better days. I am trying to integrate all those exiles back into my self. And shutting my mother off really helps to give them their due place.

I just wrote a letter to my mother. I didn't send it. I don't know if I will. But I know quite clearly now that I don't want her around anymore... She might be sick, and in a sense I would like to put the past behind and move forward, but she keeps on trying to hurt me (she just sent me back the Christmas gift we gave her). Her constant mixed signals, her way of criticising under the cover of "it's because I care"... She is still abusive, with her anger and screaming. She didn't change. She manipulates, she bait and switch, always. And so... I don't see any way little Riverwolf would be able to free herself while still being terrorised by her mother. And I want to chose little Riverwolf, I am choosing myself now.

I will be my own mother.