Should I send her this?

[So many questions]

I’ve been living on the detachment board.

But I have this message typed in my notes because it’s how I truly feel.. Criticize it please. Give me the real perspective. I just want her to know it was genuine how I felt. But how would she react as BPD? We never will get back. She smeared me to everyone she loves in the worst possible way.

But we were so close to a break through before ending. I didn’t know about BPD prior. I really feel I could handle things so much better. We haven’t spoke in 3 weeks since she suddenly moved to a new relationship, mid a recycle with me. I don’t care, I know it’s just cause she can’t be alone. We had to see each other in secret, which isn’t enough stability for her needs.

Letter:
I hope life is treating you well. I hope you’re finding happiness in whatever you do. I don’t care that you found someone else and moved on. It was confusing at first because how close we got/things said and I wish you would’ve just told me, but I understand why you didn’t. I hope that it’s going good. You deserve happiness. Just know, you can find a million others and you’ll still have my heart. I am moving on and will continue to be alone and work on myself, for me. But, I want you to know I will always love you no matter what has happened or happens. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life and loving you was a life changing experience. I feel like I get you, I really do. And you’ve told me you feel the same. So whether it’s months, years, or I never speak to or see you again; you’ll always have my heart. I’ll always be there for you. And one day, God willing, if I ever have the chance again, I will do everything in my power to be the man you need. It doesn’t matter the time in between or what happens, if it means having a chance at forever with you. I know that’s probably never going to happen. But I can’t act like I don’t care about you. I will never abandon the promise I made to love you unconditionally. You were my best friend. I can’t let you choosing to do what you thinks best for you, negate my love for you. It’s forever. It’s genuine. It’s real. I know that 100%. So I’ll be around, loving you from afar as I did for many years. Wishing you the best. Go live you’re life to the fullest and if somehow we end up back in each others lives, it was suppose to happen. You’re a once in a lifetime person and I’m glad I got to experience that briefly. I have to let you go. But I wish you the best. I really do. I will always love you and miss you. You were the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. If it was all to teach me a lesson, so be it. I’ll hang on to the great times, because there were SO many. So long my love.



Does it sound like a lot of delusional-codependent thinking mixed with trauma bound desperation? Probably. Today, I don’t care. I just want my person back

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[thankful person]

Others may have ideas on how this could affect you, and how your ex would perceive this, though bpd eyes. I just wanted to share my own experience.
I left my ex-boyfriend after 14 years, because I fell in love with a woman. I still loved him, but I was totally obsessed with her. I didn’t realise how important I was to him, until I said I was leaving. Long story short, I decided that I couldn’t leave him because it would destroy him. But I couldn’t break contact with my new love (future bpd wife) because I was totally obsessed with her. So for six months I stayed with him. I was trying to give him a chance to make me happy. But I knew that he couldn’t. He gave me many such notes, emails, texts. It was amazing, having felt he really wasn’t that bothered about our relationship before.
In the end I finally found the strength to leave. It wasn’t fair on either of them, how I was treating them. But. I chose her because I wanted her. But also because I knew it was fair to set him free. I would always love them both.
I was forced to break my own heart. Every day I thought of him. Knew I would never be happy. I have only managed to finally let go though exploring things further on this journey when I realised that I was also some kind of caretaker for him. That’s why I still felt responsible for ruining his whole life, seven years later.
Your writing is beautiful. If you’re meant to be together, you will be together. But for me, my ex sending me all those messages… only broke me even more than I already was. He played “Against all odds” by Phil Collins the night before I left. It made me believe he would never be able to move on. It only made things harder for me.
I never chose to be in love with two people. It is an absolute curse.

[So many questions]

TP, Thank you for your response.

I’m not sure I’ll ever send that message. Maybe in a month or so. For now, I am giving her, her space. Letting her go and do whatever she feels. She found someone else very quickly, and we were in an amazing spot when she did, so maybe she feels as you did. Maybe she misses me constantly. I doubt I’ll ever know.

I didn’t get to say everything I wanted the last time we spoke 3 weeks ago. I just want her to know I don’t hate her. I don’t think she’s awful for moving on quickly. I know she can’t be alone. She always told me. She told me she’s hopped relationship to relationship for a decade. She warned me.

But I think if she knew I was still there, still feeling this way, after all she put me through, on top of moving on abruptly and smearing my name, maybe she will realize I truly love her and never would abandon her.

I don’t know. I imagine your husband felt the same. You can’t force love. And I’ll one day accept she’s gone forever.

[Notwendy]

Does it sound like a lot of delusional-codependent thinking mixed with trauma bound desperation?

 Criticize it please. Give me the real perspective.

 
-
Well, maybe one woman's perspective.

I hope you don't send it. To me, there's a lot of pain in it, and it is full of emotion. A pwBPD can't even handle their own emotions and so, expecting them to appreciate the emotion in this is likely to not generate a caring response from them and if she contacts you at all, the response might be hurtful.

To reiterate what Thankful Person said- if you break up with someone - a letter from them telling you how much they love you and that they will love you forever is not something you want to hear at that time.

Yes, this is a painful time for you. Writing this is a good way to get your emotions out, but I think that letter is best kept to yourself,

[So many questions]

Notwendy
Thank you for you honesty. Is there a way to get this message across without the emotion? Or is this all better left unsaid

[judee]

Hi So many questions.

It is beautiful, kind and loving...my take on it is that if you really wanted her back ( she wouldn't be BPD;), and you wouldn't know she is with someone else than you can write something like this but to me writing this when you know she is, shows too much of a lack of self-respect in my opinion.
I guess you need a 'peaceful' closure at least but realise this is a process, to which this letter belongs to as well. It is your process. Even without sending it it shows where you are now.. even it these feelings will fluctuate now and then, you can be proud of that.

[judee]

If there would be an ex in my world that wanted me back when I was with someone else, the best thing he could do ( this is personal ) is write to me something that shows how beautiful HIS experience of our love is, independent of me. Without pain, without saying he will wait or will always love me.

[Notwendy]

You've gotten a few opinions and I think this illustrates how we are all different in how we'd perceive a letter like this.

I find the information on who we are attracted to, and who is attracted to us very interesting. The relationship isn't just about the person with BPD but who tends to pair up with them. It's dynamics between both people. How we grew up- the dynamics in our families of origin, ( doesn't have to have a person with BPD and can be other dysfunctions such as addiction) and boundaries play a large part in this.

Personally, I wouldn't want to receive a letter like this, not because there's anything wrong with it. I think you've expressed kind and loving feelings and of course, it's nice to hear we are loved. It's that, if I left a relationship, I wouldn't want that person to "love me forever" and "want me back" at any time- I actually would want them to get support, learn to be happy with themselves and find someone who can reciprocate their love for them.

If love is wanting the best for someone, and the relationship doesn't work out for some reason, it doesn't mean I hate them. That's black and white thinking. Maybe pwBPD think that way, but we don't have to.

I am also aware that someone like you would not pair up with someone like me. So my opinion on this letter may not help you. Your ex might really want something like that. This phenomenon- who we attract and who is attracted to us is quite interesting. We are very influenced by the dynamics in our families of origin, ( doesn't have to have BPD, could be others such as addiction) and also boundaries. The typical pattern is that someone with BPD will pair up with someone with co-dependent/enabling tendencies.

I've done some work on co-dependency- and even with work, it's a work in progress, but two people with enabling tendencies often don't pair up- the attraction/chemistry isn't there. Your ex is attracted to people with rescuer/enabler tendencies. The rescuer/enabler is attracted to people for whom they can help in some way.

It's going to come down to what you want. The high/low of the high drama relationship is both exciting and emotionally stressful. On one hand, you are painted white, next moment black, together, not together. It's addicting in a way with the ups and downs of emotions. Being painted white feels really good.

To some people, a stable relationship is boring, it just doesn't fit for them. On the other hand, there also are people who have experienced this drama and just want "normal". To achieve that takes some self work and also to work on changing the attraction dynamics. We may want something, but is it good for us? We often want things that aren't good for us. Yet, I also agree there needs to be some chemistry between people.

One thing I learned about co-dependent behavior is that it can feel controlling to the other person. If a person has healthy boundaries, it doesn't feel attractive. It's interesting as there's a push pull with someone with BPD. The closer you are, the more the behaviors are apparent. This is probably why your ex and replacement seem to be so happy right now, but she still has BPD and so, soon the dynamics will likely play out with the replacement.

You could very well wait and hope to rescue her back but the dynamics are not likely to change without some change in you ( because we can't change another person). It is said that if we end a relationship with someone and don't do some self work on our part, we are at risk for recreating the same dynamics with someone else. Really, the choice is up to you. But personally, I wouldn't want someone to put their own happiness on hold- I would want them to be happy.

[So many questions]

I really appreciate everyone’s input. I’m glad I didn’t send it the day I wrote it and I didn’t do so, to let my feelings settle. And get feedback.

Judee - can you elaborate on what you mean “how beautiful his experiences of our love is?”

I guess my feelings stem from the recycle. We broke up, but she couldn’t let go. Then we got really close again before she suddenly stopped and went to a replacement.

I need to have more self-worth. There’s no reason I should feel the way I do about her. It’s just the trauma bond. And the FOG I hoped was finally fading. I’m such a codependent and I can’t seem to break that thinking.

I’ve just worked so hard on myself. Been in therapy. Haven’t rebounded. So I feel like I could love her better. I don’t know.

The truth is, I would wait for her. Even if I moved on and found someone else. She will always be the one I want. It’s just how it is for now

[Silverdash]

So many questions codependency is so hard to escape from. I feel every sentiment in what you wrote. It is all engulfing and the type of love/need/want that feels so obsessive and addictive...right and wrong all at once. I think its good you did not send it.

[thankful person]

So many questions, I actually wish I had spoken to you back then. I know you’re not him but I just needed to know he didn’t hate me and I know it sounds ridiculous but I wished I could have said to him, I’m sorry and I will always love you. And a part of me was wishing I’d never met her but then I also knew that (although I was ostensibly just searching for a supportive friend not a relationship), I had been searching for her all my life. I know it’s impossible to see right now but I do believe there are better days ahead for you. I’m sure the skills you have learnt will help you in your future, in relationships with others and just being you. I always say, if someone doesn’t want to be with you, then they are not right for you, and also, not good enough for you. Love is indeed hard. I wish you all the best.

[So many questions]

Thankful,

Maybe she wants the same. Maybe I just want her to know I don’t hate her.

It comes down to what I want. I think if I truly want her back, I can’t send it. My only hope is moving on, letting go, healing, and if it happens - it happens. She will only come back if I’m high value. And right now my career is taking off.

If I send it. It’s like my final goodbye. I don’t hate you, far from it, but I must move on. I don’t know.

I assume I’m painted so black and she’s so into her replacement, it will be laughed at, ignored, maybe criticized. But I know deep down she will appreciate.

I’m not sure what I’ll do. Doing nothing is the choice Im sticking with for now

Thank you for your support