Mother contacted me, shortest silent treatment/feel the familiar gut punch

[Depression = 72% of members]

  Would love thoughts, experience and input. I think I need an intensive on how to talk to my mom or how to deal with her or something to help me decide what to do next. I will talk to my T about it.

In the past it's been 7 and 12 years of silent treatment, rages when she was in my presence which wasn't too often... and then several years at a time of good phonecalls inbetween. I always wanted the connection with "my mom". I was braced for that silence again and doubt she'll live that long now. I knew that if we did interact again it would be scary and hard. The good connection of the last 3 years is history and was based on a sort of innocence. It is not safe to talk about the hard stuff and not sure it's realistic to not talk about it. I KNOW I can't talk about it with her. If only I could visit with her in the presence of someone else. We live too far away and everything is by phone or email.

I suspect that it will only be by email from here on out actually, if at all, and I'll ponder setting some boundaries like email once a month or something. I don't know if I even want that. Can't imagine any boundaries that would work. BUT will work on my own processing and healing! Obviously I have boundaries I can use about opening and responding to emails.

I'm so tired, just very tired of thinking about her.

Anyway, she wrote an email to me: "I always loved you and I'll write soon. You don't know me at all." ----to me it feels like a gut punch based on past attacks, toxic words/anger toward me and others, etc. I believe if she does actually write to me what will follow will be long long emails defending herself and criticizing me or similar---anyway you all know, it won't be interactive it will be dramatic but I'm not allowed to respond or share. ANYTHING I say will and can be held against me. Unless she has a secret T or BFF or other intimate person I don't know about I know her way more than anyone else on this planet! She does often talk about herself to me ... her past hurts, her feelings about other people, etc etc ...

Thinking do I even want to write back, to respond. Because I fear that every interaction from here on out will be a gut punch for me, a place where I don't feel safe, where I'll be triggered from the childhood and adult experiences of being her scapegoat. I know I have to figure out, play by play or day by day, how I'll handle any communication going forward.

Thoughts of how to respond:
1. Okay
2. No reply
3. What I'd like to say:  I know the you you've shown me all my life or You don't know the you you've been due to alcohol and pills and mental health...blah blah blah. NOPE, can't say any of how I feel, how it's affected me. I will research things mentioned on here... the Karpman triangle, saw Gabor Mate, Steven Porges and Oren Sojer mentioned ...
4. If you're planning to send me an email please plan to read my responses ...

How could I have been in an open close mostly loving phone relationship with her for 3 years and now feel afraid and defensive ... I mean I know how, I denied this side ... so guess I'll figure out how to deal with her email if she does write. Just hearing from her is upsetting to me ...

And then there's this,  Dear Mom, I welcome knowing you more...

 What I think happened: When I said I thought you hated me she literally sounded so very shocked and hurt, like how could I think that. [Which I care about and felt sorry about and sad... but like she's deluded in thinking things didn't affect me---and seems I broke a spell and later she wrote that I made her feel like a complete failure at the only thing she ever cared about, being a mother. I wrote an email saying oh you were a success look at me and I want to love each other...] So I mentioned some problems I had as a teen and that she hadn't spoken to me for half of my adult life. She then explained how clearly not talking to me the first time was my fault {In that call at age 30 I told her I never knew if she'd be kind or angry when we spoke on the phone. That gave me 7yrs of silence with a screaming and hanging up on me when I called and said I love you and I miss you.} and the second time she denied it saying I waited for you to call me ... I felt really depressed all weekend after that call, our last 6 weeks ago, and the only call, in 3 yrs, where the past came up. I brought it up by accident sort of but guess it wanted to come out. There's so much more ... but the rest of my life is too short to fix it or address it with her that is for certain.

I have other fish to fry! Living my best life in Joy, healing from this, loving, enjoying and appreciating the ones I have that I share healthy loving relationships with... and loving my Self.

Maybe I can go with the flow. She's my mother and I do love her. I'd like to have a semblance of a loving relationship but now I feel over the part about "wanting my mom" and more adult myself and just have to trust that I can detox and get back to clarity and independence NOT responsible for her or what she puts on me. Time will tell.

I want to hear her, validate her for her version of my childhood---of being a mother----I don't want to accuse or fight ... I can say kind things. I can work through stuff with my T that she says.

Any experience/thoughts/responses are greatly appreciated. Thank you if you read all this!

[CryingGame]

  Would love thoughts, experience and input. I think I need an intensive on how to talk to my mom or how to deal with her or something to help me decide what to do next. I will talk to my T about it.

In the past it's been 7 and 12 years of silent treatment, rages when she was in my presence which wasn't too often... and then several years at a time of good phonecalls inbetween. I always wanted the connection with "my mom". I was braced for that silence again and doubt she'll live that long now. I knew that if we did interact again it would be scary and hard. The good connection of the last 3 years is history and was based on a sort of innocence. It is not safe to talk about the hard stuff and not sure it's realistic to not talk about it. I KNOW I can't talk about it with her. If only I could visit with her in the presence of someone else. We live too far away and everything is by phone or email.

I suspect that it will only be by email from here on out actually, if at all, and I'll ponder setting some boundaries like email once a month or something. I don't know if I even want that. Can't imagine any boundaries that would work. BUT will work on my own processing and healing! Obviously I have boundaries I can use about opening and responding to emails.

I'm so tired, just very tired of thinking about her.

Anyway, she wrote an email to me: "I always loved you and I'll write soon. You don't know me at all." ----to me it feels like a gut punch based on past attacks, toxic words/anger toward me and others, etc. I believe if she does actually write to me what will follow will be long long emails defending herself and criticizing me or similar---anyway you all know, it won't be interactive it will be dramatic but I'm not allowed to respond or share. ANYTHING I say will and can be held against me. Unless she has a secret T or BFF or other intimate person I don't know about I know her way more than anyone else on this planet! She does often talk about herself to me ... her past hurts, her feelings about other people, etc etc ...

Thinking do I even want to write back, to respond. Because I fear that every interaction from here on out will be a gut punch for me, a place where I don't feel safe, where I'll be triggered from the childhood and adult experiences of being her scapegoat. I know I have to figure out, play by play or day by day, how I'll handle any communication going forward.

Thoughts of how to respond:
1. Okay
2. No reply
3. What I'd like to say:  I know the you you've shown me all my life or You don't know the you you've been due to alcohol and pills and mental health...blah blah blah. NOPE, can't say any of how I feel, how it's affected me. I will research things mentioned on here... the Karpman triangle, saw Gabor Mate, Steven Porges and Oren Sojer mentioned ...
4. If you're planning to send me an email please plan to read my responses ...

How could I have been in an open close mostly loving phone relationship with her for 3 years and now feel afraid and defensive ... I mean I know how, I denied this side ... so guess I'll figure out how to deal with her email if she does write. Just hearing from her is upsetting to me ...

And then there's this,  Dear Mom, I welcome knowing you more...

 What I think happened: When I said I thought you hated me she literally sounded so very shocked and hurt, like how could I think that. [Which I care about and felt sorry about and sad... but like she's deluded in thinking things didn't affect me---and seems I broke a spell and later she wrote that I made her feel like a complete failure at the only thing she ever cared about, being a mother. I wrote an email saying oh you were a success look at me and I want to love each other...] So I mentioned some problems I had as a teen and that she hadn't spoken to me for half of my adult life. She then explained how clearly not talking to me the first time was my fault {In that call at age 30 I told her I never knew if she'd be kind or angry when we spoke on the phone. That gave me 7yrs of silence with a screaming and hanging up on me when I called and said I love you and I miss you.} and the second time she denied it saying I waited for you to call me ... I felt really depressed all weekend after that call, our last 6 weeks ago, and the only call, in 3 yrs, where the past came up. I brought it up by accident sort of but guess it wanted to come out. There's so much more ... but the rest of my life is too short to fix it or address it with her that is for certain.

I have other fish to fry! Living my best life in Joy, healing from this, loving, enjoying and appreciating the ones I have that I share healthy loving relationships with... and loving my Self.

Maybe I can go with the flow. She's my mother and I do love her. I'd like to have a semblance of a loving relationship but now I feel over the part about "wanting my mom" and more adult myself and just have to trust that I can detox and get back to clarity and independence NOT responsible for her or what she puts on me. Time will tell.

I want to hear her, validate her for her version of my childhood---of being a mother----I don't want to accuse or fight ... I can say kind things. I can work through stuff with my T that she says.

Any experience/thoughts/responses are greatly appreciated. Thank you if you read all this!

[WalkbyFaith]

Cryinggame, ((hugs)   
I can relate to so much of what you are sharing here. My communication with my uBPD mom has also been primarily by email, and they are just soo good at confusing us, aren't they! With those long rambling messages, so much explanation and defending themselves, turning all the fault back on us, while at the same time somehow making us feel compassion for them... How does that work?

I don't have much advice as I'm in a very similar place right now. But I wanted to tell you that I understand. My mom just used the same "you don't really know me" argument in one of her recent messages.

In your situation, I think I'd just ignore that brief gut-punch message and wait to see if she emails again. There's probably not a response you can give her that will be helpful at all until you see what else she has to say.

My personal boundary has become when I see my mom's name come up on my notifications, I don't open the message right away. I give myself a few minutes or even a few hours to calm my flight-or-fight and get in the right headspace before I open and read it. It helps a bit.

[CryingGame]

WalkByFaith, thank you SO much for your reply. Ohhhh it is so crazy-making and yet so helpful for me to read your post and hear of someone else with a similar thing. That's wild your Mom said the same thing about you don't know me. Eghhhh So do you just get random emails whenever she feels like it ... how do you ever recover from the effects they have on you? I dread an ongoing email disucussion.

MORE Ideas on what to say back:  nothing because nothing will work and nothing will be heard or responded to. I find myself responding in my head all day today. But seriously, this is what I'm thinking is best although don't know if I'd send it. Something about the fact that her last 2 emails have included something loving with something obviously from a hurt/angry place and that I don't want that kind of interaction anymore. It's all pointless. I've never ever been allowed to say what I want or don't want, period.

Yet I also think I should speak up for myself:  I'm closing the discussion on the past, we do not need to discuss it and it does not go well when we do.

I feel depressed and like a victim ... and a bit crazy like I've never been validated and have actually never stood up for myself ... if a person has a crazy mother what kind of person could she be?

[Riv3rW0lf]

A survivor...

My mother also seems nice and sane from a distance. I lived 10 hours away from her for 6 years and just moved back to my home province, albeit still 3 hours from her (thanks goodness). The FaceTime and text exchanges we had over the past two years truly led me to believe we could finally have a relationships, that things had changed.

And I went to visit her... As soon as she sensed I was reattached to her, the hurt started back again. She also accused me of not understanding her and my brother. This one, like you, really hurt deep. But thinking back on it, I now see this accusation for what it is : a desperate attempt to regain a sense of control by hurting me.

When I went back home with my children, she proceeded to disown me, while still saying she was retaining her grandmother title. I wanted to throw up. This woman, my mother, thinks it perfectly right to abuse and hurt her own daughter at each and every occasion she gets, and still assumes I will allow her to somehow see my children, the two most precious people I know? She seriously thinks I will actually let her create a wedge between my daughter and I, let her use them to further abuse me?

I now see her for what she is: a dangerous, toxic person. Always competing, yet accusing me of being jealous of her? All I ever wanted from her was love and she got back to me by criticizing my weight, leaving me without socks or underwear, to wear old clothes, with no right to shave myself... Yet, I am the jealous one? Naha. She is.  

And so I am currently in the "no reply" team. She sent me a letter via mail just last week. Well, not to me, to my three years old daughter, telling her she missed her... She can't even read yet so this was yet another attempt to get a reaction out of me. And it didn't work.

Grey rocking.

Whenever you feel guilty, focus on your anger. Separation is key to get through those triggering emails and texts. And if you feel like maintaining contact, I feel anger can actually be a key to stay in control and calm. To be, it balances the pain and almost feels like calm now when I think of her.

Hugs

[beatricex]

hi Cryinggame,

4. If you're planning to send me an email please plan to read my responses ...

This option is you getting clarity here.  You are essentially saying to yourself "OK Mom, I will read, but it's my preogative to respond or not, and if I do respond, plan to read my response."  You sound powerful and grounded here.  You are letting go of your need to fix your mother's past hurts, I mean there is only so much time in one's life.  When did you sign up to understand and know your mother on this intimate level?  I might have done that with my spouse, yup I'm sure I did.  I did not, however, ask to be invited to be my mother's best friend, confidant, therapist, or significant other.  Pretty certain, neither did you.  Something that is helping me, because when I read what you wrote I thought "I could have pretty much wrote that" is letting go of any need I have to take care of her.  Going forward, every interaction I have with Mom is about taking care of me.

 
b

[CryingGame]

A survivor...

My mother also seems nice and sane from a distance. I lived 10 hours away from her for 6 years and just moved back to my home province, albeit still 3 hours from her (thanks goodness). The FaceTime and text exchanges we had over the past two years truly led me to believe we could finally have a relationships, that things had changed.


And I went to visit her... As soon as she sensed I was reattached to her, the hurt started back again. She also accused me of not understanding her and my brother. This one, like you, really hurt deep. But thinking back on it, I now see this accusation for what it is : a desperate attempt to regain a sense of control by hurting me.

When I went back home with my children, she proceeded to disown me, while still saying she was retaining her grandmother title. I wanted to throw up. This woman, my mother, thinks it perfectly right to abuse and hurt her own daughter at each and every occasion she gets, and still assumes I will allow her to somehow see my children, the two most precious people I know? She seriously thinks I will actually let her create a wedge between my daughter and I, let her use them to further abuse me?

I now see her for what she is: a dangerous, toxic person. Always competing, yet accusing me of being jealous of her? All I ever wanted from her was love and she got back to me by criticizing my weight, leaving me without socks or underwear, to wear old clothes, with no right to shave myself... Yet, I am the jealous one? Naha. She is.  

And so I am currently in the "no reply" team. She sent me a letter via mail just last week. Well, not to me, to my three years old daughter, telling her she missed her... She can't even read yet so this was yet another attempt to get a reaction out of me. And it didn't work.

Grey rocking.

Whenever you feel guilty, focus on your anger. Separation is key to get through those triggering emails and texts. And if you feel like maintaining contact, I feel anger can actually be a key to stay in control and calm. To be, it balances the pain and almost feels like calm now when I think of her.

Hugs

This was very helpful, yes we are survivors! I hate what happened for you, thought things could be different ... from a distance it seemed better ... then you moved back near and wham, cruelty. Again those words, you don't understand me/us. So charged.

Anyway, cool your anger can make you feel calm. You Go! I'm not sure I could get there. I hate all these feelings and dealing with someone who triggers this. Not just someone. One's own mother.

So you have gone NR, what does that mean? I assume no reply ... to your daughter's letter or other contact? Do you have a plan?

Thanks to you, so sorry your Mom is this way.

[CryingGame]

hi Cryinggame,
This option is you getting clarity here.  You are essentially saying to yourself "OK Mom, I will read, but it's my preogative to respond or not, and if I do respond, plan to read my response."  You sound powerful and grounded here.  You are letting go of your need to fix your mother's past hurts, I mean there is only so much time in one's life.  When did you sign up to understand and know your mother on this intimate level?  I might have done that with my spouse, yup I'm sure I did.  I did not, however, ask to be invited to be my mother's best friend, confidant, therapist, or significant other.  Pretty certain, neither did you.  Something that is helping me, because when I read what you wrote I thought "I could have pretty much wrote that" is letting go of any need I have to take care of her.  Going forward, every interaction I have with Mom is about taking care of me.

 
b

Thank you B. No I do not feel grounded or empowered. I do not want to read her email and I don't want to respond because anything I say will be held against me and I've had enough of that in my life.

How do you interact with your Mom and still take care of you? I've always walked on egg shells to avoid her rage ... she has severed our contact over very small tiny words that were not said meanly or accusingly ... rather casually and talking about me not her.

I want to say the things at this point. Just say it all, how she treated me, what she doesn't remember about screaming at me since I was 12, how it felt, how it feels, how it affected me and that I'm NOT her scapegoat. Our conversation cannot ever again be about me being the terrible one. Again, no point in saying any of this.

I could just delete any emails she sends. I am angry. I am angry that I have to deal with this. I don't want my life disrupted this way and that would be a reason to delete any emails. Or to write back and say please don't email me ... I go in circles. I don't know the first step. I've been voiceless and powerless all my life with her because any sort of standing up for myself gets me raged at and abandoned. So that has to change somehow and I'm not sure how.

In the past when "she stopped talking to me" I felt like a victim and a rejected daughter. Oh my god people everywhere talk about loving and needing their mothers and there I was with one who acts like she hates me. But a part of me knew that those years of no contact were also somewhat of a relief. But then I never wanted to be the on who said, I'm not going to speak to you.

To feel that anything you say, no matter how polite and minimal and gentle you are and using I statements ... will be shredded as if you are abusing them...will be raged at...made fun of...PROVEN WRONG ... is so dis-empowering and stressful. To talk to Jekyl/Hyde is horrible.

I do not have the tools here. I hope I can learn some even if just to deal with my own thoughts and feelings about this.

[Imatter33]

Hey crying game,

I’m coming at this post from a different  angle here… I am visiting the board tonight because today marks the three-year anniversary of no contact whatsoever with my mom. I’ve been through a lot in these three years, and NOW … this point I find that I lovingly miss my mom, care for her and want to find ways to honor her….

but I still  feel like it is not worth it to contact her because my life has reached a level of stability and predictably that does not exist  with her having access to me. . My life is easier to deal with, happier and my own. Reading the turmoil that came through in your post and the line “ you don’t know me at all…”
Well, my mom could’ve said that and has in times past.
 Your Post was a pretty big reality check. NO one on this board owes their mom their sanity.  She was responsible for the role she played in our NC. I love her more than she knows. And these two truths continue to coexist for me.

I’m not telling you to go no contact, but I am agreeing with other people on the board, that have said don’t reply  and see what transpires. Being too emotionally caught up leaves you vulnerable to giving your mom too much information and reaction. In my experience.

Our no contact began with a text convo in which I just never got back to her..isn’t that wild?


Hugs.

[WalkbyFaith]

Cryinggame, I can hear the pain you are in through your words. I'm so sorry this is so painful...and sadly, all of us here understand it on some level!

So do you just get random emails whenever she feels like it ... how do you ever recover from the effects they have on you? I dread an ongoing email disucussion...I find myself responding in my head all day today.

Currently I'm in an ongoing email discussion with my mom, for the past couple months, after I set a boundary that made her really angry. Setting that boundary spiraled into the familiar rage and accusations and victim mentality that I've come to expect, including digging up all my faults from the past. It's been very draining but I have pushed through and continued the conversation because, like you've mentioned, it has given me opportunity to say things to her that I've never had the guts to say before. I truly don't know which direction our relationship will go from here. At points in the ongoing discussion, I've been very tempted to just "give up" and go no contact, but I don't think that's the right choice for me right now. But yes I totally get your point about responding in your head all day! I would encourage you to write those responses down. You may never send them to her, but type them into a document or write them in your journal. I've found that writing down "what I really want to say" really helps me with processing and letting it go.

[Goldcrest]

CryingGame I am so sorry  I can so relate to what you are dealing with, the stress of it, trying to work out how to respond in a way that protects you, in my case, always the endless calculations of what will happen if I do this or that.

I haven't read all the replies but as someone who is currently no contact with my mum my gut is not to respond, wait until you receive further communication from her and see how you feel then.

I can only talk about my experience with my mother but for me, any contact from her was to elicit a response and it was never a good one. She wanted to know I was hurting for her, she wanted to know that separation was killing me and that I needed her. Once she extracted from me that I was in pain and missed her, then came the discard. It was literally like she was gulping down a can of coke then chucking the can on the ground, I of course was the coke. I think it is hard for you because it sounds like their has been a time in your life that your mum was consistently good enough? So I wonder if you hold out hope she will be that way again.

Apologies if I am way off the mark with my comments. I am in a bit of a fog (good fog) since going no contact with my mother and I really struggle to get my thoughts in order some days.

[CryingGame]

Hey crying game,

I’m coming at this post from a different  angle here… I am visiting the board tonight because today marks the three-year anniversary of no contact whatsoever with my mom.

Our no contact began with a text convo in which I just never got back to her..isn’t that wild?


Hugs.

Wow! Yes, that is wild! ...right, those 2 truths co-exist probably for a lot of us and it is painful and tiring and sad really. Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing the similarities. Congratulations on feeling separate and also loving ... yet knowing that for now it's not worth disturbing your peace to contact her.

I'm good with not replying and will ride out my thoughts and get them out and move on as best I can. I'll grow. My heart and brain get caught on the drama ... trauma. Will learn more about how to Do Me!

[CryingGame]

Cryinggame, I can hear the pain you are in through your words. I'm so sorry this is so painful...and sadly, all of us here understand it on some level!

Currently I'm in an ongoing email discussion with my mom, for the past couple months, after I set a boundary that made her really angry.   I would encourage you to write those responses down. You may never send them to her, but type them into a document or write them in your journal. I've found that writing down "what I really want to say" really helps me with processing and letting it go.

Yes! I did buy a journal for that exact reason. It's so exhausting though and I already own so many journals where I've poured out my hurt and anger and story over the years! Ha ha ... I have to decide how much it's worth it to continue. Thank you for sharing more of your story. How brave you are! Is your ongoing conversation with your Mom deeply disturbing for you or have you somehow built up enough internal boundary that it's only moderate and you can deal with it ... or is there some other way you are managing? Thanks so much.

[CryingGame]

CryingGame

 She wanted to know I was hurting for her, she wanted to know that separation was killing me and that I needed her. Once she extracted from me that I was in pain and missed her, then came the discard. It was literally like she was gulping down a can of coke then chucking the can on the ground, I of course was the coke. I think it is hard for you because it sounds like their has been a time in your life that your mum was consistently good enough? So I wonder if you hold out hope she will be that way again.

 I am in a bit of a fog (good fog) since going no contact with my mother and I really struggle to get my thoughts in order some days.

Hi Goldcrest, thank you very much for your words and the hug!

OMG the can of coke! Yikes, there is a "taking" from us that happens and a "destruction and throw away".

Yes, with my mother there are, or were, soft and kind and funny times of talking and connecting... and closeness... all by phone. But I am re-evaluating based on some things I'm reading ... how much of the connection is like a fix for her or something sick related to narcicism ...

The question remains about how to be or how not to be in relationship with someone you love and is cruel to you when they're triggered because they have their own wounding. Or how to, if possible, converse about boundaries or needs with someone like this. I don't know maybe I'll be able to ride out her email if she does write one and respond in a way that will set things somewhat back on track or maybe I'll go NC. Even as I write this I dislike all of it so much.

So grateful for your response, thank you.

[lm1109]

I do not have the tools here.

I hear you. My only advice is to take this relationship with your mother AND self one step at a time. I think the first step is accessing those tools. Once you feel more secure in yourself and your tools for protecting yourself, then decide how to respond to her. Your mother stopped talking to you for years, you don't owe her a rushed response. You owe yourself time to heal.

My truth is that I personally don't know if I'll ever access the tools that will prevent me from being affected by my mom's abuse, but I'm not willing to have contact again until and unless I do. My step one is protection of myself and I won't move onto to the next step unless I get step one down.

I also wanted to second the advice of writing your responses down and not sending them (at least at first) I can't tell you how many letters and emails I wrote to my parents after my mom's abusive email. I never sent any of them, they wouldn't have been "heard" anyway. Getting it all out wasn't for them, it was for me. Ultimately, my silence speaks much louder then any words I could say.

However, my response is based on my own situation, it's your choice as to when and how you should respond. I understand what a crazy making situation this is and Im sending you so much support.

[Riv3rW0lf]

This was very helpful, yes we are survivors! I hate what happened for you, thought things could be different ... from a distance it seemed better ... then you moved back near and wham, cruelty. Again those words, you don't understand me/us. So charged.

Anyway, cool your anger can make you feel calm. You Go! I'm not sure I could get there. I hate all these feelings and dealing with someone who triggers this. Not just someone. One's own mother.

So you have gone NR, what does that mean? I assume no reply ... to your daughter's letter or other contact? Do you have a plan?

Thanks to you, so sorry your Mom is this way.

Talking from my experience here, so take whatever works, and leave the rest. But I also was always very uncomfortable with anger. Outside and inside me. But anger.. making peace with anger. Allowing myself to feel it and finally recognize it as what it is: just another emotion, a neutral emotion that tells me something. I let it come once and I was amazed how powerful it is. An emotion of assertion, an emotion of action, an emotion of power to oneself.

What is bad is using anger against other, hurting people with anger. But feeling anger... Allowing anger to exist within oneself... Can be beautiful, but above all: protective.

The thing is, our mother taught us anger was bad, because anger is separation, anger is revolt, anger is assertiveness and so, they made sure we would hate anger itself, to keep us in check. They used anger against us, made it feel like anger was wrong. But anger is not wrong, the using anger on a child, unchecked, is wrong.

Anger is my tool, the one that seems to work. We all have to find the tools that work for our own unique situation. Like others have mentioned, I also found writing down what I am thinking helps to let go, even if I don't send it to my mother. Writing dreams, writing fights, writing what I really want to tell her. Hurting her with words she might never read, it frees my mind. Stops me from going in circle in my head, which I tend to do a lot.

Also, to answer your question, I am basically in an unannounced no contact right now. And might be about to make it permanent... Still on the fence about it.

Hugs

[CryingGame]

WOW Riverwolf. That is So Good. Yes, we were taught those things about anger----that it is the worst severing thing and so not to feel it and that disempowered us. That is a very good point.

I find it hard to come and read the site. I feel so overwhelmed and a bit crazy/alone in the madness of all this.

My mother? My mother. How could the one who gave me life and who's love I want and who I want to love back be this way? Especially when she has told me all my life She knows better and more. She is right. I am weary of the journey ... I want to be here in the trenches learning and sharing but I have this big busy life that already has stress. Or is my life more stressful because of the undercurrent of this insanity in my life, in a core relationship...that I have such mixed feelings about.

So thankful for your reply.

[CryingGame]

IM1109, thank you so much for your reply and support.

What are you doing to build your protection up, besides no contact? Would love ideas.

[lm1109]

I think building my protection up has mainly been giving myself the time and space to honestly process my life. I've found that my parents were in a perpetual state of chaos and having a relationship with them meant excepting the neverending chaos. This, of course, is their OWN defense mechanism to protect themselves from ever having to look at themselves and feed their emotional addictions, but I'm realizing it prevented me from processing as well. How could I ever find the time to process childhood pain when I constantly had fresh pain from them to process?

I agree with Riverwolf about using anger as a tool. I had to stop running and honestly look at the abuse and get angry and grieve, not just for protection from my parents but also to heal the parts of myself that are vulnerable to ANY abuse from anyone, including my own self!

Learning more in depth about boundaries has also been a great tool. I was groomed to believe that I owed everyone everything, my job was to keep everyone happy and not take up space. I understand now that boundaries were non-existent with my Mom...she refuses them and when I set them she said she was done with me. Healthy boundaries=protection

I'm also building up my protection through therapy & reading books/podcasts to learn how to access more healthy tools, reparent, and love myself. Yoga and meditation is a huge factor in my healing...some may find this woo woo, but I've practiced some cord-cutting meditations and also grounding/shielding meditations over these last five months. These help a lot in healing codependency/enmeshment and shield against narcissistic energies. I'm quite empathic and found that I tend to "take on" other peoples emotions/feel them too deeply, and so grounding and praying each morning is crucial for me. There a lot of good meditations on YouTube!

 I suppose my biggest tool for building up protection is building up my own self love and worth. Recognizing that I am worthy of love and boundaries and if someone...anyone(even my own parents)...can't love and respect me then I can't be around them.

I find it hard to come and read the site. I feel so overwhelmed and a bit crazy/alone in the madness of all this.

I nodded my head when you called it madness...that is really the perfect word to describe it...it. is. madness! As overwhelming as it can be to read the site...its proof that you are NOT alone nor are you crazy...just a victim of crazy making! There is so much valuable insight here, you are SO not alone!

She is right. I am weary of the journey ... I want to be here in the trenches learning and sharing but I have this big busy life that already has stress. Or is my life more stressful because of the undercurrent of this insanity in my life, in a core relationship...that I have such mixed feelings about.

I LOVE how you put that. I wholeheartedly believe that my life HAS absolutely been more stressful because of the undercurrent of the insanity! The pain has ALWAYS been there. For me...it feels as if I'm deep cleaning. When you deep clean your house you pull out all of the junk you've been shoving in the drawers and closets for years and it always feels like you're making a bigger mess...but it takes pulling everything out to sort and sift so you can organize and throw out what you no longer need. Its a painful and tedious process but you have to do it(especially with kids) or your house would overflow with junk as you accumulate more and more. I feel like thats where I am right now...sitting in the middle of the floor in what feels like a bigger "mess" after pulling out all of the "junk" in my mind.    But we all feel better at the end of it...freer and lighter. I had a lot of junk that is no longer serving me...so it's worth going through the process. I have no idea if any of that makes sense 

You're not alone... Sending you so much support

[CryingGame]

Thank you, I like reading what you wrote and wish you well.

[WalkbyFaith]

it feels as if I'm deep cleaning. When you deep clean your house you pull out all of the junk you've been shoving in the drawers and closets for years and it always feels like you're making a bigger mess...but it takes pulling everything out to sort and sift so you can organize and throw out what you no longer need. Its a painful and tedious process but you have to do it(especially with kids) or your house would overflow with junk as you accumulate more and more. I feel like thats where I am right now...sitting in the middle of the floor in what feels like a bigger "mess" after pulling out all of the "junk" in my mind.

Yes to this! Such a good analogy!