New to this site. Need advice

[Parents! Get help here!]

Our dd is 45 years old and has been separated from her husband of 20 years for 2 1/2 years now, which I believe happened because she was going through mental health issues and was not receiving treatment.  She was diagnosed 2 years ago with BPD and is still waiting for CBT treatment.  She has been prescribed medications and I don’t think they are working.  Unfortunately she entered into a new relationship with an alcoholic and drug abuser right after leaving her husband.  I believe this relationship is making her sicker, but she feels such fear of abandonment if she kicks him out.  Unfortunately she has limited finances and she is asking for money but I don’t want to be taken advantage of and pay her bills.  She is very manipulative and I don’t believe everything she tells me.  She also lives 3 hours away and therefore it is really hard to know what is going on with her other than when she calls me to ask for money.  I don’t know how to get her out of this relationship so her mental health will improve (hopefully) and is it wrong not to support her financially?  I don’t want to make our relationship worse.  Thank you for any advice.

[Warshire]

Our dd is 45 years old and has been separated from her husband of 20 years for 2 1/2 years now, which I believe happened because she was going through mental health issues and was not receiving treatment.  She was diagnosed 2 years ago with BPD and is still waiting for CBT treatment.  She has been prescribed medications and I don’t think they are working.  Unfortunately she entered into a new relationship with an alcoholic and drug abuser right after leaving her husband.  I believe this relationship is making her sicker, but she feels such fear of abandonment if she kicks him out.  Unfortunately she has limited finances and she is asking for money but I don’t want to be taken advantage of and pay her bills.  She is very manipulative and I don’t believe everything she tells me.  She also lives 3 hours away and therefore it is really hard to know what is going on with her other than when she calls me to ask for money.  I don’t know how to get her out of this relationship so her mental health will improve (hopefully) and is it wrong not to support her financially?  I don’t want to make our relationship worse.  Thank you for any advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Warshire, welcome to the group 

As your DD is 45, I imagine you've been through a lot over the years.

A couple of positive things stand out to me -- one, she has an official diagnosis of BPD, and two, she's still in contact with you (even though it's mostly about money).

Is she accepting of her diagnosis? Does she seem to want to be in treatment?

Of course, there's always so much nuance and so much to talk about, but I wanted to briefly address a couple of your questions:

I don’t know how to get her out of this relationship so her mental health will improve

One of the most challenging aspects of having a child with BPD (from what I've heard; the pwBPD in my life is my husband's kids' mom) is readjusting our sense of who is responsible for what, and what "help" looks like.

People with MH issues often have to hit rock bottom in order to personally choose to make changes in their lives. We would love for rock bottom to be less extreme, yet often it is pretty intense. If we try to rescue them from their choices (toxic relationship etc), they don't have an investment in the change and it doesn't stick. It may be excruciating to watch and wait as she struggles through what she's chosen, yet she is an adult, and trying to save her from this relationship unfortunately probably won't help. She needs to go through the process on her own.

is it wrong not to support her financially?  I don’t want to make our relationship worse.

In short -- she's an adult child, so no, it's not wrong to not support her financially. Paradoxically, she may have more respect for you, and your relationship may move to a more stable place, when you choose to have firmer boundaries about how you two interact. Giving decision making back to the pwBPD, however challenging for us, is long term better for the relationship. A brief example of how that might look could be: "Honey, that sounds really difficult to be that low on money. Even though I don't have any to provide, I'm confident in your ability to find a solution. Where do your friends turn when they are on a tight budget?" Of course, that's just an example.

One more question as we keep talking -- does she have any kids? I know when there are grandkids in the mix, it's exceptionally hard to watch.

Keep posting whenever works for you;

kells76

[Warshire]

Thank you very much for your reply.  Yes she is willing to accept treatment.  She was diagnosed about 2 years ago by a psychiatrist and when she went back to her family doctor she was told that her doctor did not believe the psychiatrist and she wanted to treat her with meds.  Her health has gotten progressively worse especially because of her unhealthy relationship.  So she is reaching out again for help and has been told it will be another 6 months before she can see a psychiatrist.  I think I believe you when you say she will have to hit rock bottom, unfortunately, hard to watch.  She has 3 beautiful children 21, 19 and 15.  The older 2 are very hard workers and stable.  The youngest seems to be more like his Mom and is causing some grief.  I hope it is just teenage years and he improves as he gets older.  I believe if I start making some boundaries that it might help.  Or worse she could just stop speaking to us, but she has no one else to turn to.  Thank you again for your advice and I will let you know how we get along.