BPD Father set me up for failure

[Liren]

I came to this site because I'm in the beginning stages of divorcing my BPD husband.  I have posted on the Romantic Relationship forum, but saw these ones for relatives with BPD and thought I would share.

I've been learning a LOT about pwBPD, their mental processing, and how they handle breakups, etc.  It struck me like a lightening bolt -- this is my FATHER to a T.  For years we've wondered "why is Dad like that?"  When my mother left him it was all out war as far as he was concerned.  Blatant parental alienation, stalking, harassing, threats of violence, false accusations, demanding that EVERYONE treat her as the "enemy".  I tell my story and people are shocked.  My poor Mom lived in such terror.  I knew from a young age that my father cared so much more about hurting her than being a parent to us.  When I was 12 years old, I went to the courts with stories of him and his custody was stripped.

I've avoided my father as much as possible, even when living close by.  My goal in life was to never marry someone like him -- but surprise, surprise! -- now that I am leaving, my husband is pulling out every tactic from my father's playbook.  It's amazing, really.  And oddly, my father is shocked and outraged at how my husband is treating me and our children.  Where was this when you were hurting my mother and us in the same way?

So this adds another worry to my ever growing list.  Will my children wind up with someone like that?  Or be someone like that?  Something in me saw this as "normal" even while hating it so much.  My children are a lot older than I was when my parents split - I don't know if that is better or worse.  They've lived with a pwBPD longer than I did, but at the same time as teens they can get a better idea of what is really happening than toddlers could.

I just want to break the cycle.  My sibling's marriage is far from perfect, but never any pwBPD involved.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Liren!

A senior member here used to say "all roads lead to PSI", meaning that many of us who came here about a romantic relationship ended up recognizing dysfunction in our own FOO (family of origin) that did, indeed, set us up for relationships in adulthood that resemble our childhood experiences in some way.

It's completely understandable that you saw your he's behavior as "normal" while also hating how you were treated. It feels familiar because it's what we learned as children.

Breaking generational cycles is a tough job but an absolutely brave and admirable goal.

The most helpful thing for me in trying to stop the cycle in my family was to work with a T (therapist) who specializes in trauma and uses family systems theory to help me understand the link between my family dynamics in childhood and the ways I tried to resolve my own childhood trauma with a dysfunctional romantic partner. I have my kids in therapy, as well, because having a parent with an untreated mental illness is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience.

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280739.0=Adverse childhood experiences

[zachira]

So many us hear you and know you are not alone in duplicating the hurtful relationships you have had in your family by marrying the wrong kind of person. You are also not alone in wanting to break the cycle of dysfunctional family dynamics. I come from a long line of dysfunctional family relationships on both sides of the family. It has been extremely valuable to me to learn to value authenticity and to surround myself more and more with people who are who they present themselves as, and don't have a hidden mean streak that rears its ugly head out of nowwhere. I now look at body language and ask myself questions like: Is the whole face smiling or is it just the lips while the rest of the face and body seem tense and angry? I have been in therapy for many years working on becoming comfortable with expressing my feelings. One of my biggest lessons has been that too charming is the biggest mask of all. As you become more aware of your role in choosing the wrong man to marry, you will be setting an example for your children to follow. Do not discount that having you as the healthier parent, is already helping your children to make better choices in deciding what kind of person they want to marry.

[Methuen]

The most helpful thing for me in trying to stop the cycle in my family was to work with a T (therapist) who specializes in trauma and uses family systems theory to help me understand the link between my family dynamics in childhood and the ways I tried to resolve my own childhood trauma with a dysfunctional romantic partner. I have my kids in therapy, as well, because having a parent with an untreated mental illness is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience.

Such great advice.  T for you and/or your kids could be very helpful.   Sometimes resources can be a challenge. Your kids are teens, so they may or may not be receptive to this.  But if they could open up to someone they trust over time, and about their experiences, that person could help them process those experiences, and then work on healthy relationship strategies moving forward.

All of us here probably have some ACEs, but many of us have broken the cycle or are working on breaking the cycle.  A few years ago, I worked for a spell in a Women's Shelter.  Our services  included an outreach (community) program for children - essentially a counsellor specialized in working with children who have lived experience, usually with witnessing abuse.  The abuse doesn't have to be physical.  What you are describing might qualify if you explain the history and that you are trying to break the cycle.  Mother's who accessed this program did not have to pay - it was funded.  It was a program designed around prevention, education, advocacy, counselling and empowerment.  For the most part, she worked with younger children and pretty extreme cases, where early intervention is the priority.  I guess my point is that sometimes there can be resources out there we don't know about.  It's a matter of finding them, if you think they could be helpful to your situation.

Good for you for taking the steps to remove yourself and your children from the situation with your H.  That takes a lot of courage.  You mentioned: blatant parental alienation, stalking, harassing, threats of violence, false accusations, demanding that EVERYONE treat her as the "enemy". The time immediately following separation are usually the riskiest. Are you feeling safe from your H? 

Since you mentioned you are concerned for your children, I have a couple of thoughts.  How are your children doing in school?  Do they have healthy social relationships, school academics stable?  Get along with their teachers?  Relationship with you OK?  Sleeping OK?  Eating ok? 

Take care of yourself through this process.  You can be more "present" for your kids if you are taking the time to also care for yourself. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Lira,

I can relate. I believe divorce ranks as one of the most stressful thing that happens to many people, so it's understandable that you would worry. The fact you are discussing it on here means I'm sure you've done your best which is all you can do. My sister teaches parenting classes (it's a thing) and it boils down to making your kids feel safe and loved, which I'm sure you know and sure you do.

You're only responsible for your behaviour, not your husband's. Children are a lot more resilient than we tend to give them credit.  My kids had a mother who lacked empathy and used lots of NPD behaviour and they've turned out fine. But I remember worry just as you did when all the rubbish kicked off. Time is a great healer. Be good to yourself.