Asking for grandchild’s cellphone number

[kiwigal]

My narc SIL now has access to my 18yr sons cellphone - its a large cause of concern for me as my fear is that they will charm him into the toxic dynamics. We’ve tried to explain some of the dynamics to my son but of course he can’t fully understand. Today my MIL also asked for his number. It’s hot on the heels of us requesting that the triangulation and game playing stop - so it feels like a game around our boundary.
Im at a point of feeling like I can’t handle anything more… and just wanting to get out of it all. I love my hubby and he is equally as frustrated and aware of these dynamics but is late to speak up. I wondered what the best action and response is now?

[Notwendy]

My kids are older now but this was an issue and I refused to give out their addresses at college or cell phone numbers.

BPD mother didn't like this. At one point, one of her relatives asked me for this (flying monkeys) and it was clear to me what was going on. BPD mother said we were keeping her grandchildren from her and they were enlisted to help.

My children didn't post too much personal info on social media but if they did post a picture, the relatives would down load any pictures and send them to BPD mother. This was hard to restrict as the kids are friends with their cousins and so the pipeline was there.

Eventually, BPD mother got one number, then called one grandchild to pressure them to give her the others. BPD mother seems quite pleased with herself when she can go behind my back to get to the grandkids.

But it's not behind my back. They tell me when she calls or texts. At this point, it was a bit later and I felt comfortable they could handle it. They understand what is going on with her. I was pleased to see that they have better boundaries than I have with her ( as they are more removed from the drama ). They have also seen some of her behaviors- they don't want to get too involved with her.

So - I think it's hard to control this without complete NC with all people connected to the person with BPD. Since these are your H's relatives, ask him how he wants to handle this. To me, one way is to change the number or block the relatives. At 18 though, your child may also want to have a say in it. Ultimately, teaching him to have boundaries with disordered people is the best protection but this is a growth process so protect him until you feel he's able to.

[kiwigal]

Your response is just so so helpful! Thank you!
I love the conclusion to ask H how he would like to handle it … keeps me out of the distress of it all!
Thank you