Best ways to cope1

[Kitcat]

Hello,

I have posted once already and received two lovely posts in response, unfortunately I could not figure out how to respond. I am having a bit of trouble navigating this site.

 I have been on a couple of times to read articles which I found helpful.

Yesterday I got caught up in my daughter’s storm (panic)  and ended up assisting her. I am not sure if coming to her rescue every time she perceives there is a problem is best for her, I know it
causes me a great deal of inner turmoil not to assist but I also think I should be setting more boundaries as I end up dropping everything to help. I have been dealing with my own health issues (breast cancer) and this week I am to have radiation therapy but I also took on looking after my daughter’s dog and taking it to the vet for her.  Is there someone I can talk to or a book that might help me.

 What happens for me when my daughter is in crisis is that I feel she may commit suicide, she may have a full blown panic attack and require hospitalization or commonly if I don’t assist she will feel I have abandoned her and display her displeasure by being angry,  or disassociating from me ( not responding).

 I am in a way controlled by this and find it very hard to say no to her and I find it very hard not to assist financially. My daughter is 26 she not working. So really I must assist financially , but often I find myself spending more than I should and hope that the fact that I am assisting will make her happy.

This is hard sigh.. Kitcat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RobertX]

Hi Kitcat - I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It cant be easy especially with your own health issues  - which I wish your every strength for.  There is no answer to this other than to set clear boundaries with your daughter.  At the same time you must look after yourself and seek help and advice / friendship of others when necessary.  If you are isolated and on your own then it's going to be very tricky especially when your daughter's behaviour flares up.  Only she can fix herself (seeking the right Therapy, Medication, and mixing with people that don't promote risk taking behaviour) - your job is to survive it.  Others may have better informed thoughts on this.   

JADE (dont Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and HALT (never engage when Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) are also good techniques and make communication easier (see videos on this site) - using my son as an example they certainly have an impact although we are quite capable of taking steps forward and backwards - after all we are human and not infallible.   

In addition to HALT  - I avoid any alcohol consumption when speaking with my son  - I need to be on my 'A game' with every ounce of balance available - any emoting on my part or lazy defensive response is a disaster!

Good luck!

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[Kitcat]

Thank you RobertX,

All good suggestions, it is really nice just knowing that I am not alone and that others are also trying to navigate this difficult disorder. It can be terribly isolating when people don’t understand so I feel fortunate to have found this group.

I have just started to learn about BPD although the behaviours my daughter exhibit have been going on for years it took a long time for her to get a proper diagnosis, she is now getting help but it is a Roller Coaster of emotions. We seem move forward and then go backwards.

I will check out more videos as you suggest, yesterday I saw. “ Back from the Edge” very good ! What I liked most was that it helped me understand the disorder and that it provides some hope.

Thank you so much for reaching out
Kitcat