uBPD Mom doesn't want NPD Dad to follow through with medical issues

[todayistheday]

It's complicated.  But isn't it always?

I'm not really asking for advice since there's nothing that I can do.

uBPD Mom (hypothesized by MY therapist -- which is how I learned that what's going on with Mom is BPD) and nBPD dad are in their 80s and married 60 years.  Enmeshed sister who lives next door but aware that Mom is a problem and sometimes calls me to referee when things get really bad.  Given the parents ages and length of marriage, their system is  not likely to change.

I have a husband who has some medical issues as well, and he's legally blind on top of it.  I never had kids. I didn't not understand BPD and I feared becoming my Mother if I had kids and didn't want to cause a child to be as unhappy as I was as a child.

The pandemic is really bad timing for people their ages as that's when health is declining even without the complications of mental issues.

So now Dad has several medical conditions.  One is that he needs to get his cataracts removed.  Another is with mobility, that may be correctable with surgery. He has an MRI later this week.  He said that Mom has sat him down several times and told him that she cannot care for him.  No surprise.  12 years ago when he had the same mobility issue and had surgery to fix it, she was screaming to everyone she knew that she couldn't take care of him when he got out and popped him into a nursing home for a couple months, because he had to use a walker to get around.

She told him that she can't take care of him after cataract surgery because he can't drive for 3 months.  He said that his eye doc said it would only be a few days. But he's scared of her and didn't tell her that.  If I try to talk to her, she knows that Dad and I talked and HE gets in trouble for talking to me.  And when he gets into trouble, it's complete misery for him for WEEKS.  He won't stand up to her.  If he has to have surgery on his legs again, it will be the same thing.

I told him that I can go help if needed.  I can get several weeks of paid family leave, and since the Pandemic, we have a liberal remote work policy.  We are now officially hybrid and many people have not walked into the office building since March of 2020.  When I told him that, he said "You can't come, you have to take care of your husband."  My husband does have a colonoscopy scheduled in a few weeks.  I had told my Mom the date of it. They can work around that.  He does have other medical issues, and other than his vision they are all under control.  He can see around the house to do things.  He works -- he has extra huge monitors and can see on them.  He has mastered public transportation and Uber.  And we have plenty of church people who will give him rides if needed too.  He's fine.   It's just another of Mom's excuses.

I tried talking to my sister about what's going on.  I don't get any backup.  She says "They are adults of sound mind and they can figure it out for themselves.  I'm staying out of it." 

I live 3 hours away from them, so I only know what I'm told on the phone.  She is next door and had the advantage of free babysitting and still of free pet sitting whenever she needs it.
 
I am sad because I know that my Dad doesn't have many years left and he's been unhappy all his life and now Mom seems to be ready to let him suffer more physically and not take care of his needs.  This is sure to shorten the amount of time he has left.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.  I am posting this mostly for my own therapy to write this down and get out my frustrations to people who won't argue with me about it and try to rationalize their behaviors because they understand going through the same thing.

[Notwendy]

I understand your situation. There were similar dynamics at when my father got ill at the end of his life.

I think there were some dynamics going on to this pattern. For one, there can only be one "victim" in the triangle and that is BPD mother. Although she's physically healthy, she's the center of caring. Our purpose is to do things for her, as was Dad's role. If he needed assistance, this didn't fit her expectations. While normally one would expect a spouse to help out to their ability- in her case, she felt somehow victimized and became abusive.

Although my intentions were to help him, when I came to help, it seemed to make her angrier. If my purpose is to serve her needs, then this just doesn't fit. When your father says to you "you can't come- you need to help your H" ( this doesn't make sense to you as your H doesn't need constant care) what he possibly means is if you do come, it's going to trigger your mother and he can't say that.

It helped me to learn about the Karpman triangle. In this dynamic, my BPD mother mostly is in "victim" role. Dad is in "rescuer" role. When he got ill, I tried to step in to "rescue" him - at first to help and then to rescue him from her when I saw her behavior. To her, I became the "persecutor". She then went to my father, who stepped in to "rescue" her from me.

The rescuer/victim bond between them was strong. As you said, the dynamics between them were decades long. I even called social services to see if there was something I could do. They could hear my distress over the behavior and they could sense my disapproval. Their reply was similar to your sister's. "Your father is in sound mind to make his own bad decisions". There wasn't anything I could do.

While your sister may be enmeshed, it's also possible she has tried to help before and has met with these dynamics, since she lives next door and sees them more. While she may benefit from some free assistance, there surely is a trade off between them, one you may not want. I understand your feeling- I am the scapegoat child. It's clear that my mother is more invested in the golden child, and while that can feel hurtful, being enmeshed has its own issues.

I was naiive to the Karpman triangle dynamics and the result was that both parents were angry at me. I understand your situation. The best I can advise is to do the best you can with it. It's hard to predict how they will react but understand this is how they interact.

[Goldcrest]

I can empathise too. My dad is gone now but whenever he was sick my mum would reject him and minimise (sometimes ridicule) or gaslight his condition. He was also pretty avoidant about health issues. It was the same for us as kids, you only got to see the doctor when it got picked up by school how unwell you were. My mum will also compete for who is most sick and of course my dad would always tell me that his pain was nothing compared to hers.

It is hard for you, knowing your dad needs medical support but your mum is in effect blocking that.

The rescuer/victim bond between them was strong. As you said, the dynamics between them were decades long. I even called social services to see if there was something I could do. They could hear my distress over the behavior and they could sense my disapproval. Their reply was similar to your sister's. "Your father is in sound mind to make his own bad decisions". There wasn't anything I could do.

I agree with Notwendy you can go in and try and help your dad but you will probably only end getting caught in the triangle and in my case my dad would throw me under the bus to keep my mother happy. You can not win. 

[todayistheday]

You are both exactly right

There is nothing I can do to change any of it.  It's a pattern that has been going on for over 60 years.  It still frustrates and hurts me more now knowing that Dad hasn't many years left.  While the conditions that are going untreated are not life threatening, they are quality of life threatening.

I do go help when either is sick because Mom is not as mean when I am there.  She always thanks me for helping HER, when its not her that I'm helping, but him.

I have similar experiences with my own health.  I do pay attention and take care of it.  But whenever I get sick with colds, etc., I feel guilty about it.  My brain knows that I was conditioned to that as a kid.  My heart still feels like I've done something wrong to allow myself to be sick.  

I am thankful that to have understanding people like you to vent to -- People who don't understand BPD always jump in with a solution of "you should just..."   With our situations being the way that they are, none of those solutions are viable for us.  Which can frustrate me more knowing that in a family with the "regular weird" dynamics those things may work.  

Typing this all out was my therapy.  I could see my therapist, but I've dealt with this enough that in this particular case it would not help any more than just writing all of it down like this -- and I don't lose the time to travel to her place and see her.  My therapist is great when I do need her.  If not for her, I would not understand what is going on with my family.  She explained that my Mom was likely BPD and gave me reading materials.  The amount of things in my past that were in those materials that I did NOT tell her was amazing.  As for going to her this time,  this is not another case of feeling guilty.  I've been dealing with the situation long enough to know when I do and do not need to go to therapy.