It has all gone terribly wrong

[babyducks]

But when I think back over the past few years, it was her, not I, which rode in vehicles with sirens on them every couple of months or so. I wasn’t throwing food around the bedroom or breaking imacs every six months. I don’t know. The level of emotional dysregulation was extreme.

Yes.    You're right.    the level of emotional dysregulation was extreme.   Like I mentioned earlier my Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD.  I don't think I said that she had spent years under the care of a very good psychiatric team.   She was compliant with medication and committed to therapy.  Had done DBT which is considered the gold standard for BPD.    Actually, she clinically didn't meet the criteria for BPD any longer in that she didn't self harm and wasn't actively suicidal.    Still she did become psychotic.    that is where the name borderline comes from - being on the border of psychosis and neurosis.    I've told this story here before but when psychotic my Ex believed that the wind was communicating with her.   Telling her where to go.    So in the car she would take her hands off the steering wheel and 'allow' the wind to steer the car.   even with all the treatment she received, and was open to receiving the dysregulations came every 3 or 4 months.

I just don’t know how this will end. I half expect in a period of time, she will continue the way she has, drinking and having mental health issues, and I may even get an email of sorts. I know I am not perfect, but I don’t know of anyone else who would put up with her dysfunctional behaviour. I don’t know how I’ll procede if she does make contact.

well, it is usually impossible to predict these things with any accuracy but it seems to me she still has a lot of items with you.    a lot of personal items, clothes, glasses, the caravan.   it does seem likely that it will take some contact to get those items sorted.    I'm sure contact will stir up a lot of emotions for you.   It would have too.    with all the unresolved issues there is bound to be a lot of tension.    I would suggest that if contact occurs to keep it short and simple.   an hour or two no more.    and simple and practical - no long circular discussions about 'the state of the relationship' or 'who is to blame'.    those conversations are never productive and only raise the emotional temperature.     simple.   short.     if the contact starts to become heated or go off the rails - end it.    say something  simple.   something like 'I need to stop for now' and get up and leave.

you've spent years helping her, pointing out her need for help, going to hospitals and off in cars with flashing red lights.   and look what all that has accomplished.     pretty much nothing.    so, the expectation that she will continue to drink and have mental health issues is more than reasonable.

hope yo continue to feel better.

'ducks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2020]

Thank you again for your input. It is helping me navigate this difficult time.

I spent the day in bed today. It is my birthday. I wasn’t sure what to expect from my partner(?), but I have not received an email and I doubt I will. She would be aware it is my birthday and intentionally not saying anything. I always went to a huge effort for her birthday. I don’t really care much for my own birthday, but I felt extra lonely and depressed today. Not hearing a thing from her has really made me realise she has no intention of being connected to me on any level. Any dreams I thought we had together were all just one sided wishful thinking. When it came down to it, she really believed the bs which she manufactured in her messed up brain. I was never going to be believed nor trusted with anything. 

I still don’t know how this will play out. I doubt she is coming back this time. And if she thinks she might, she will be surprised. I won’t allow myself to be treated like crap again by a drunken monster who has made no effort to even acknowledge her addiction problem, nor her mental health. In the meantime I am occupying myself with cleaning up the home here.

[babyducks]

Happy Birthday 2020,

I know that this birthday wasn't what you wanted it be.    Still it is an accomplishment isn't it?   You do have achievements to recognize no matter how small.   Look at all you have gone through and now you are starting to come out the other side.   It might be trite to say but - first day of your new life !

I still don’t know how this will play out. I doubt she is coming back this time. And if she thinks she might, she will be surprised. I won’t allow myself to be treated like crap again by a drunken monster who has made no effort to even acknowledge her addiction problem, nor her mental health.

it always feels disappointing when our partners struggle with mental health issues.    after all it seems so very clear to us.    if you have struggles and challenges go get help and do something about them.    and when it doesn't work that way,  which it almost never does,  we get disappointed and frustrated.

truthfully that disappointment and frustration is about us, not them.    those are our emotions to handle, cope with.      it was explained to me a long time ago that our emotions come from what we think about things.    and that if we want to feel differently - we have to think differently.    that's a complicated idea but so very true.     how I feel about my Ex really comes from how I think about that relationship.    if I think 'oh she broke my heart and ruined my life' then I am going to feel pretty miserable.    but if I think 'that was a very challenging relationship that had amazing highs and lows which taught me a lot about life', I am more able to see the good in what we shared.

its fairly rare for people on the BPD spectrum to seek help.   they have a disease that tells them they don't have a disease.    this is also true of addictions.   its very hard to honestly face truth like this for all of us.    heck,   I know I am not supposed to eat that chocolate donut - that its not good for me, but do you think I can walk by it ?   heck no.    the amount of will power, personal courage and fortitude involved in seeking help is no small thing.    perhaps you remember how  difficult it was to make your first post here?   even cloaked in anonymity?

if she does turn up again how would you not allow yourself to be treated poorly?  what would you do different?   what boundaries do you think you would need?

'ducks

[2020]

Well Babyducks (and anyone else reading), she did contact me. Took about 10 weeks or so. There was a week or so of silence after the random late night phone call, then another phone call, then long daily calls of several hours.

Of course I was happy to hear from her. She moved into a self contained room in a house interstate. We reconnected and I have been driving 200km or so each way every week since. I stay with her several days, then return home.

It was all ‘nice’ for a short while. She had to go to court over the incident which led to the break. I helped her with that best I could. I probably shouldn’t have as it was me protecting her from the consequences of her own actions. Let’s say “she defended herself well”. Got away with a good behaviour order for 12 months.

There has been some pleasant enough times together. Going out to dinner, camping, going for long drives together. But her BPD issues are there festering. Some huge dysregulations have happened. Breaking of appliances, throwing glasses, telling me to leave in the middle of the night. A couple of rides in vehicles with flashing lights too!

She completely ruined her relationship with her only child after several late night drunken abusive phone calls about his choice of partner. She even rang his girlfriend’s mother and was very nasty to her. This has resulted in her son cutting all contact with his own monther over the past six months. No doubt this makes her feel very alone and abandoned, but what can one expect?

Me driving back and forth has been difficult. Not only on her, but my son too as well as myself. I feel constantly exhausted from all of this. She hates where she is living and keeps saying she wants to come home. There is no way she can come back here though. I would prefer if she were closer, but not too close that she could knock at the door drunk and cause trouble.

Currently she is doing the silent treatment again, this time over the purchase of an electric toothbrush. It appears I have given her conflicting data over whether I purchased it, or my son purchased it for me. So now I am a liar. It is not easy being totally honest around her as I fear setting her off. I guess this is something I have to sort out.

We were to go camping this weekend. She is not answering my calls or messages. I don’t even know for sure where she is. I suspect she may have gone to her sisters house. Her sister calls in on her after work most days. I am not going to make the 5 hour round trip to no avail. I have left messages suggesting we ought to talk. I suspect this might be another one of those long gaps of silence.

You know, I was almost getting my   together last year. Now I am back being her unpaid carer. She was almost considering therapy two weeks ago. I think my best way forward here is not to go completely mental over her well-being as I have in the past. She knows I think we should discuss this. Perhaps I’ll be contacted sooner than I think.

I haven’t posted here for quite some time although I do read here often! Hope you are all doing well…

[15years]

I remember your story from reading it last year. Sad to hear you're once again having a tough time. Do you feel that you cannot abandon her, because you are the only one who puts up with her?

[2020]

Thanks for your reply and questions. Yes I do feel sorry for her. I don’t know why I persist with this ‘project’ of mine. The ‘love bombing’ must have been an efficient operation!

I really do believe that I have to take responsibilty for this. I can’t change her, and if I were frank about it, I might not be interested in her if she were more stable. There is something attractive to ‘crazy’. Look at Jack Nicholson. He made a career out of losing it on screen.

At 57 I think I am stuck with this now. I wonder how much either of us can change. We have know each other since 2008 or something like that. She is very attractive (as it appears they can be). I suppose because I feel unatractive and that there would never be anyone who would want me, her coming out of nowhere into my life was a dream come true…. or so I thought.

We are both damaged people. I have an Autistic son and his therapist said a couple of years ago that perhaps I might me on ‘the spectrum’ too? I figure if this is true then it might explain this repetitive pattern I like with her. There is a lot feeding into this dynamic.

So after a 14 hour text marathon two days ago, where she totally set out to destroy me, I demanded an apology which I got in a half   ed way the following morning. The dysregulation is still going on… she is moving today, tomorrow, to an English village, to Tasmania, to a caravan park down the road from me…. Just crazy  . But she is a little less vulgar.

Last night I suggested that when things settle a bit between us and we can communicate respectfully to each other, perhaps we should come up with a code of conduct of sorts between ourselves, and some strategy for when discussions become abusive or when violence occurs. Not sure how this will go. Really what needs to happen is I myself need to set my own boundaries for me. The onus is on us I think.

Today we are broken up apparently. I won’t change my status here because that might change like the weather once I am painted white again. The experiment continues. I am hopeful to make something better out of this. There are those success stories we hear about, aren’t there?

[15years]

People aren't attracted to the same things. It might seem to you that she is more attractive than you but that is based on your view on what's attractive. I'm sure she is attracted to you not just because you're a care taker, but because something about you is charming. I feel that many people with autism all over the spectrum seem to have that genuineness over them that is very charming, maybe you have that too? Many healthy women that wouldn't be abusive to you would certainly find you attractive too. Just saying, don't stay with her because she is attractive, you're probably a catch too.