Gut feelings- three months out.

[judee]

So it has been awhile that I have been posting here.

In short, I was in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD and we broke up last November, December and January. Like a true turbulent relationship does. Finally I managed to go NC.
I was/am heartbroken, gutted and on top of that diagnosed with an autoimmune disease ( Crohn's) in the middle of that. A vortex of darkness followed. This site and you guys helped me so much.
For the past three months I have been digging down deep working on myself, writing here, getting my health back and trying to maintain no contact.

This week.. I think they call it reep what you sow?
- I got the call from the hospital that ALL my inflammatory markers ( that were sky high) are down, and they cannot find anything wrong with me anymore. They basically fired me from the diagnosis ( which is fairly rare) and declared me healthy. And I am so over the moon to have a ' second ' chance and proud of my body, it was so against all odds.

- Then today I got asked on a date with a very attractive architect... and I like him enough to say yes. It is a big step. It still feels like cheeting on my ex ( who has prob slept with multiple women in the meantime ;0) .
luckily, it is in ten days because he is going on a work trip first, so I have time to let it sink in .

- My mind and heart are aligned in being quite over my exwBPD, yet my body still isn't. My body still wants him, fantasies about him and can't be intimate with anyone else ( not even with myself... because i switch to fantasizing about him no matter what I do). Not even gorgeous Italian architect. After the kind man asked me to go for coffee today my body wants to contact exwbpd and give him this ultimatum.. what is with that ? I feel like an idiot feeling this, after all the s@# he put me through. Anyone else experience this? Should I do it or is it too early and will it just reopen old wounds he is not my BPDex?

[drumdog4M]

First of all congratulations on healing yourself, moving past your ex, and no longer having Crohn's symptoms. And on your upcoming date. It gives me hope for a future when I am beyond this pain and longing too.

I too feel like I imprinted on my ex sexually. I hate that she can so easily move on to intimacy with another man while I'm still only interested in being intimate with her. I hope this feeling will fade and trust that it will in time. We all seem to attest to the fact that sex with pwBPD is pretty mind-blowing and addictive. Part of what keeps us in the relationship and then coming back for more even when we know we shouldn't. I guess the feeling is similar for as well.

I hope the next 10 days give you time to heal more and get ready for a wonderful date. Take intimacy slow -- unlike our exes.

[NotAHero]

So it has been awhile that I have been posting here.

In short, I was in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD and we broke up last November, December and January. Like a true turbulent relationship does. Finally I managed to go NC.
I was/am heartbroken, gutted and on top of that diagnosed with an autoimmune disease ( Crohn's) in the middle of that. A vortex of darkness followed. This site and you guys helped me so much.
For the past three months I have been digging down deep working on myself, writing here, getting my health back and trying to maintain no contact.

This week.. I think they call it reep what you sow?
- I got the call from the hospital that ALL my inflammatory markers ( that were sky high) are down, and they cannot find anything wrong with me anymore. They basically fired me from the diagnosis ( which is fairly rare) and declared me healthy. And I am so over the moon to have a ' second ' chance and proud of my body, it was so against all odds.

- Then today I got asked on a date with a very attractive architect... and I like him enough to say yes. It is a big step. It still feels like cheeting on my ex ( who has prob slept with multiple women in the meantime ;0) .
luckily, it is in ten days because he is going on a work trip first, so I have time to let it sink in .

- My mind and heart are aligned in being quite over my exwBPD, yet my body still isn't. My body still wants him, fantasies about him and can't be intimate with anyone else ( not even with myself... because i switch to fantasizing about him no matter what I do). Not even gorgeous Italian architect. After the kind man asked me to go for coffee today my body wants to contact exwbpd and give him this ultimatum.. what is with that ? I feel like an idiot feeling this, after all the s@# he put me through. Anyone else experience this? Should I do it or is it too early and will it just reopen old wounds he is not my BPDex?

 Congratulations on moving forward.

 I agree with Drumdog, and I can relate to what you are experiencing too.

   I still can’t have intimacy with other women regardless of how easy it was for my ex to “fall in love” multiple times in a few months. I think time will heal that and the healthy way to do it is to follow your guts and do what feels right to you.

[Cat Familiar]

Nothing wrong with taking things slowly and getting to know him as a friend first. You need time for “due diligence” and to find out if he’s someone who could be more than a friend.

Interesting how you titled this thread and the resolution of your symptoms. How do you feel your “gut feelings” were connected to your ex and the Crohn’s diagnosis?

[Ellala]

What great news about your health judee!    Great work taking such great care of yourself. 

I am on a similar timeline re: breakup and went on one date. I was nervous before the date, which was not normal. I know I am not ready for a relationship yet. I figured I could handle meeting a man for a coffee though. Baby steps. It did feel a little like "cheating" or breaking the seal/sacredness with my ex, even though the relationship is well over. Coffee date went well, we had a good conversation and connection (and texted after but never met up again).  Feeling a little attraction for/from another man helped me feel another step of closure.  It did bring up some triggers for me, but I am glad I did it.  Now I feel dating more like a chance to meet new friends and see where it goes… no rush or pressure. slowly slowly.

The date could be really fun. I am happy for you. I would echo Cat's
comment about taking time for "due diligence".

[judee]

drumdog , Notahero,

Thank you... I actually got  bit emotional reading your responses. I never wrote it down and reading your responses made me realise what actually happened.
Maybe you can find some relief that there are people (from the opposite sex, like me) that don't just skip over lovers like that. ( without arrogance, I could if I wanted. )  It sure comforts me to know that there are men like you... Writing that makes me realise it is about taking your own feelings seriously, if you don't ( or a lot of people w BPD can't)  you just end up shooting yourself in the knee. The best to you both.

[judee]

Ellala,

Thank you for the cheer! I am laughing. Happy to hear you made the move and went on that date and didn't regret it. Yes, I think it will be hard for me to cross the road but I think I will have the same like you, regardless of the outcome. At this point I am genuinely happy and relieved to not have to be in a relationship, not intending to change that any time soon. I really like being by myself, we became quite good friends over the years.

Catfamiliar...
Confronting. I read a lot of your replies to other people and a lot of times I was thinking of telling you how empathic and sharp I think they are.
Also this one . The title came automatic.. I don't ( and really don't ) blame him for me getting ill. It is however a sign that I let my boundaries cross. I was severely stressed, I felt I was slowly desintegrating while still feeling nothing I did was good enough and something was 'off' big time. I did not listen to me at all.

[LaRonge]

Nothing wrong with taking things slowly and getting to know him as a friend first. You need time for “due diligence” and to find out if he’s someone who could be more than a friend.

Just want to echo this sentiment. I think going into it knowing there's not any pressure on you for it to be anything more than a get-to-know you coffee will go a long way. It's great that things are going well for you and that your health has recovered. Congratulations!

[SinisterComplex]

Ellala,

Thank you for the cheer! I am laughing. Happy to hear you made the move and went on that date and didn't regret it. Yes, I think it will be hard for me to cross the road but I think I will have the same like you, regardless of the outcome. At this point I am genuinely happy and relieved to not have to be in a relationship, not intending to change that any time soon. I really like being by myself, we became quite good friends over the years.

Catfamiliar...
Confronting. I read a lot of your replies to other people and a lot of times I was thinking of telling you how empathic and sharp I think they are.
Also this one . The title came automatic.. I don't ( and really don't ) blame him for me getting ill. It is however a sign that I let my boundaries cross. I was severely stressed, I felt I was slowly desintegrating while still feeling nothing I did was good enough and something was 'off' big time. I did not listen to me at all.

Judee it is a big step to become self aware and acknowledge that you didn't listen to you. That was and is the big lesson and takeaway. If you can learn to trust in yourself and listen to you then you will more often than not come out on the better side of things.

Keep your head up and just take everything one step at a time.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[judee]

Hi there dear all,

Just a quick update:
I think the body is starting to join my heart and mind... just a very small glimpse. But every time I ruminate or feel sad about losing him I take a look at this site.. it is a good antidote! 

I DID go out with gorgeous architect. We had a great afternoon, talked non stop from the get go.
We talked a lot about relationships as well, very open and much more in a friend kind of way.
I told him that I am by far not ready to be in a relationship or have casual sex... although I am not entirely sure about the last one, because he is really sweet and gorgeous : ) it took the tension off for me, saying that. and I also think that I should be really careful with myself for awhile still.
I got a big long hug from him when we parted which was really welcome.

Going off to work now.. just saying, I am by far not over exwbpd but light is starting to shine in again.
I love being free and by myself. it is more than enough for now. Warm hugs to you all.

[SinisterComplex]

Good to see you doing well. I would definitely recommend taking things slow. However, DO YOU. Come back whenever you have questions or need support.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cat Familiar]

 

Life apart from addictive relationships can be so wonderful!

[SinisterComplex]

Life apart from addictive relationships can be so wonderful!

For the religious types I say can I get an AMEN?

In my terms...can I get a HELL YEAH? LOL 

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[judee]

Hahaha, definetely yes!

I think for me the relationship itself was (moderately) traumatic, losing him definitely was traumatic. But being diagnosed I think was the worse trauma.
Even though I am not  fully there yet I am quite proud of myself for dealing with all three of them.
I am saying moderately about the relationship because I left pretty early (3 months in). But I am sure if I had stayed longer it would have been severe.  Sometimes when I read all the stories about the trouble people are having here with there BPD partners I want to shout 'please run' because we are not aware how much we put our system under stress.
For what reason? not to be alone? Not to lose that person?
Without intending it to go like this I am experiencing that it is really true that the biggest peace and happiness comes from staying connected to yourself. It is a law of nature that is as strong as gravity.