Conflicted about restarting contact

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’ve been a reader on this forum for a number of years now.  I’m not sure whether my post fits here or on the detaching board but for now this feels the best fit.

I’ve been in a ‘relationship’ with a partner diagnosed with BPD for 5 years.  I’ve put relationship in inverted commas because he would never call it that, explicitly always referred to me as a friend.  As you can imagine this has been very confusing for me as it felt like a relationship but he would never call it that.  I have been seeing a therapist (T) for a year who has helped me to make the way though the confusion and helped me to see that it is a relationship.  

There have been many ups and downs in the relationship, we’ve always lived a few hours apart I have always tried to visit him at least every other weekend sometimes more frequently.  Apart from when I couldn’t due to COVID I’ve always been able to maintain this.  I live with a family member who won’t have him in our house as all my family feel he has used me and causes me a significant amount of stress.  My family and my friends do not like him - and have actively suggested that I end whatever we have going on as they are worried about my health and the impact he has on my life.  He has a mix of physical health and mental health problems, and also an addiction.

Our relationship has never run smoothly, there have been lots of times when he has blocked me - refused to speak to me etc when he has felt that I have done something that he was upset about (usually tried to put in/maintain a boundary)- this time last year he ghosted me for 8 weeks before making contact again. There have been several higher risk behaviours such as taking overdoses when I have told him I can’t visit him as I have other plans (with friends etc) the most recent 3 months ago - he took the overdose in his house with the emergency services stood at the side of him stating that he would overdose if I didn’t visit - this had coincided with him losing a lot of money (I had already called emergency services to get him some help).  There have also been multiple threats of suicide - sometimes weekly - and I have always called the emergency services when he has made these threats (I believe they have him on some type of plan now where they don’t respond immediately until they have made phone contact with him).  

I’ve been seeing a therapist to help me to work through lots of feelings I’ve had, she believes I have trauma from some of the more abusive (her words not mine) things that have happened in the relationship.  I’ve spent a long time putting his needs first, looking after him, both physically and offering emotional support, supporting him financially when he hasn’t had any money, sorting out his messes when he makes them.  I’ve invested so much into this relationship.

About 6 weeks ago - he rang me asking me to support him to write letters to the organisations where he had lost his money trying to explain that he is mentally unwell and asking them to consider returning his money as he wasn’t ‘able to make the right decision’.  At this time I said no, that I couldn’t do that (I’ve done it on a much smaller scale before) as I didn’t have the time - I’ve had a promotion at work and my responsibilities have increased and I’ve had to focus on that more.  So he wrote a suicide note stating that he was a vulnerable person, who I had not supported with the final words ‘Today - my suicide is on her hands’ and sent this to my employer.  He then blocked me so I couldn’t respond to him and sent me a copy of the email he had sent to my employer.  I called emergency services as I always do to get him some support and then waited for the fallout at work.  He later unblocked me but I didn’t not want to speak to him.  He sent me a second email, minutes later, stating that I had failed to support him and that all of his overdoses were ‘because of you’.

I work in healthcare with children, and I had been clear to him before that if he attempted to compromise my job, that would be a hard boundary for me.  He had previously called the reception at my workplace stating that he was suicidal and would kill himself unless he spoke to me.  As a precaution - I had already spoken to my manager about him 4 months before when these phone calls had happened.  So when the complaint email came through to my manager she was already aware of him.  There is no follow through from work, my manager said this was a personal matter and nothing to do with work but she was worried about me. I showed her the 2 emails he had sent on that night and my manager stated she felt I was the vulnerable one here and not him.  I was so embarrassed that he had contacted my workplace where I have worked incredibly hard to build a good reputation and to progress in my job; it’s something I am incredibly proud of so to find myself crying in a managers office felt shameful.

After that, I more or less ignored him - he left me multiple crying voice messages and sent me text messages asking me to visit but with no apology.  I almost caved on one occasion and said I would visit a couple of weeks ago, but changed my mind - I didn’t visit.  He has subsequently blocked me and I feel punished again.  I also feel ambivalent, I almost think I should apologise for having not responded to him before he blocked me and I feel incredibly guilty for this.  My T and 2 of my close friends (who are psychologists) think he is doing this to make me feel awful and that he will make contact again in the future - he has no other friends that he spends time with and only 1 member of his family still speaks to him.  

I suppose, the reason I am making this post is because I am tempted to email him an apology, I don't know why I feel the need to do this other than the fact that this is our pattern.  I am worried it could restart contact (but secretly deep down am hoping that it might) - I feel conflicted about this being the end (which I know is in my hands).  I am trying so hard to stay strong and work my way out of this situation.

Any words of advice would be most welcome.  Thank you for reading.

[Poleaxed]

I’ve been a reader on this forum for a number of years now.  I’m not sure whether my post fits here or on the detaching board but for now this feels the best fit.

I’ve been in a ‘relationship’ with a partner diagnosed with BPD for 5 years.  I’ve put relationship in inverted commas because he would never call it that, explicitly always referred to me as a friend.  As you can imagine this has been very confusing for me as it felt like a relationship but he would never call it that.  I have been seeing a therapist (T) for a year who has helped me to make the way though the confusion and helped me to see that it is a relationship.  

There have been many ups and downs in the relationship, we’ve always lived a few hours apart I have always tried to visit him at least every other weekend sometimes more frequently.  Apart from when I couldn’t due to COVID I’ve always been able to maintain this.  I live with a family member who won’t have him in our house as all my family feel he has used me and causes me a significant amount of stress.  My family and my friends do not like him - and have actively suggested that I end whatever we have going on as they are worried about my health and the impact he has on my life.  He has a mix of physical health and mental health problems, and also an addiction.

Our relationship has never run smoothly, there have been lots of times when he has blocked me - refused to speak to me etc when he has felt that I have done something that he was upset about (usually tried to put in/maintain a boundary)- this time last year he ghosted me for 8 weeks before making contact again. There have been several higher risk behaviours such as taking overdoses when I have told him I can’t visit him as I have other plans (with friends etc) the most recent 3 months ago - he took the overdose in his house with the emergency services stood at the side of him stating that he would overdose if I didn’t visit - this had coincided with him losing a lot of money (I had already called emergency services to get him some help).  There have also been multiple threats of suicide - sometimes weekly - and I have always called the emergency services when he has made these threats (I believe they have him on some type of plan now where they don’t respond immediately until they have made phone contact with him).  

I’ve been seeing a therapist to help me to work through lots of feelings I’ve had, she believes I have trauma from some of the more abusive (her words not mine) things that have happened in the relationship.  I’ve spent a long time putting his needs first, looking after him, both physically and offering emotional support, supporting him financially when he hasn’t had any money, sorting out his messes when he makes them.  I’ve invested so much into this relationship.

About 6 weeks ago - he rang me asking me to support him to write letters to the organisations where he had lost his money trying to explain that he is mentally unwell and asking them to consider returning his money as he wasn’t ‘able to make the right decision’.  At this time I said no, that I couldn’t do that (I’ve done it on a much smaller scale before) as I didn’t have the time - I’ve had a promotion at work and my responsibilities have increased and I’ve had to focus on that more.  So he wrote a suicide note stating that he was a vulnerable person, who I had not supported with the final words ‘Today - my suicide is on her hands’ and sent this to my employer.  He then blocked me so I couldn’t respond to him and sent me a copy of the email he had sent to my employer.  I called emergency services as I always do to get him some support and then waited for the fallout at work.  He later unblocked me but I didn’t not want to speak to him.  He sent me a second email, minutes later, stating that I had failed to support him and that all of his overdoses were ‘because of you’.

I work in healthcare with children, and I had been clear to him before that if he attempted to compromise my job, that would be a hard boundary for me.  He had previously called the reception at my workplace stating that he was suicidal and would kill himself unless he spoke to me.  As a precaution - I had already spoken to my manager about him 4 months before when these phone calls had happened.  So when the complaint email came through to my manager she was already aware of him.  There is no follow through from work, my manager said this was a personal matter and nothing to do with work but she was worried about me. I showed her the 2 emails he had sent on that night and my manager stated she felt I was the vulnerable one here and not him.  I was so embarrassed that he had contacted my workplace where I have worked incredibly hard to build a good reputation and to progress in my job; it’s something I am incredibly proud of so to find myself crying in a managers office felt shameful.

After that, I more or less ignored him - he left me multiple crying voice messages and sent me text messages asking me to visit but with no apology.  I almost caved on one occasion and said I would visit a couple of weeks ago, but changed my mind - I didn’t visit.  He has subsequently blocked me and I feel punished again.  I also feel ambivalent, I almost think I should apologise for having not responded to him before he blocked me and I feel incredibly guilty for this.  My T and 2 of my close friends (who are psychologists) think he is doing this to make me feel awful and that he will make contact again in the future - he has no other friends that he spends time with and only 1 member of his family still speaks to him.  

I suppose, the reason I am making this post is because I am tempted to email him an apology, I don't know why I feel the need to do this other than the fact that this is our pattern.  I am worried it could restart contact (but secretly deep down am hoping that it might) - I feel conflicted about this being the end (which I know is in my hands).  I am trying so hard to stay strong and work my way out of this situation.

Any words of advice would be most welcome.  Thank you for reading.

[ForeverDad]

Here are a few links.  You probably already sense what the consensus comments will be.  And your family more than senses it.

His using threats of overdose, emergency services, and more over the years inclines me to conclude he clearly manipulates and uses you, whether as a crutch or purposely, or both, you decide.  But continuing contact, even with a letter, would just prolong things.  Closure is something you have to Gift yourself.  Ask your therapist, nothing good will come of continuing contact and expecting storybook closure isn't realistic.  Most here have noted that a clean break is best, especially when there are no children requiring some level of contact.

Read the first handout in this link to retired Dr Joe Carver's website: Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

The Bridge

The backyard Black Hole

[Poleaxed]

Here are a few links.  You probably already sense what the consensus comments will be.  And your family more than senses it.

His using threats of overdose, emergency services, and more over the years inclines me to conclude he clearly manipulates and uses you, whether as a crutch or purposely, or both, you decide.  But continuing contact, even with a letter, would just prolong things.  Closure is something you have to Gift yourself.  Ask your therapist, nothing good will come of continuing contact and expecting storybook closure isn't realistic.  Most here have noted that a clean break is best, especially when there are no children requiring some level of contact.

Thank you for your response ForeverDad, it was just what I needed to hear.  This is the first time I have ever tried to walk away and end things; normally I just wait for the silence to be over and for him to return.  I think what I struggle with is that I did so much and sacrificed so much, and to have this type of behaviour in return which hurt me so much was devastating.  My T has been incredibly supportive and I am doing lots of work on myself, looking at why I enabled this type of dynamic in the first place.  Each day I'm hanging on with no contact - trying to push myself not to send an email.  I'm determined to get there in the end.

I still feel so much sadness for his situation, many of his family members have blocked him because they think he is a user; even his own mother blocks him for long periods of time when she is overwhelmed with his behaviour.  I've seen friends and acquaintances block him aswell.  He refuses to engage in the help he's been offered stating that it is not enough.  I feel such a sadness for his life.  But it overwhelms how I feel and I can't focus on myself when I think about these things.

[Poleaxed]

Here are a few links.  You probably already sense what the consensus comments will be.  And your family more than senses it.

His using threats of overdose, emergency services, and more over the years inclines me to conclude he clearly manipulates and uses you, whether as a crutch or purposely, or both, you decide.  But continuing contact, even with a letter, would just prolong things.  Closure is something you have to Gift yourself.  Ask your therapist, nothing good will come of continuing contact and expecting storybook closure isn't realistic.  Most here have noted that a clean break is best, especially when there are no children requiring some level of contact.

Read the first handout in this link to retired Dr Joe Carver's website: Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

The Bridge

The backyard Black Hole

Thank you for your response ForeverDad, it's the first time I have actively tried to move away from the relationship and I'm finding it hard.  Your words were something I needed to hear.  Usually I wait for the period of blocking to pass and things begin again as they were.  He often blocks lots of different people and lots of different people block him, including him mother who has blocked him for up to 6 months at a time in the past when she is upset with him/overwhelmed.  So his blocking me doesn't feel final.  I think the thing I am trying to concentrate on is not getting pulled back into the dynamic we have where I apologise for everything and things go back to the way they were.  I am trying to stay strong and stay out.  I feel such sadness for his situation but that's overtaken my needs and I think I have a lot of work to do on myself to ensure I don't end up here again.

Thank you so much for your words.

[Cat Familiar]

What insight have you come to regarding what benefits you felt by maintaining this relationship?

What would be fearful about having a void in your life where you are not participating in this cycle?

How do you feel about letting him be abusive to you in the ways you’ve described?

[Poleaxed]

What insight have you come to regarding what benefits you felt by maintaining this relationship?

What would be fearful about having a void in your life where you are not participating in this cycle?

How do you feel about letting him be abusive to you in the ways you’ve described?

Dear CatFamiliar,

Thank you for your response.

I've thought about your questions and have tried to answer as honestly as I can:

1. I'm not sure what insight I've come to regarding the benefits of maintaining this relationship.  I think there are few for me, there have been some good times but far too many bad times.  I know that I am someone who goes the extra mile in everything - I give far more in relationships be that in my private or personal life that I probably should do - which often results in me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed at times.  I think it might be tied to some deep belief about not being good enough unless I can go that extra mile.  Also - through work with my T I have been able to see that I have trauma bonds in this relationship, and I this break up has caused me what feels like actual physical pain - I logically understand that its a chemical reaction in my body created by trauma but the emotional part of me believes its because I've not done enough.  In the past he has just disappeared on me for weeks at a time, and it always felt better when he returned - I felt soothed for a little bit.  I am always left with the questions 'why aren't I enough?' and 'what isn't what I've done enough'.  I'm not sure if this answers your question but I think it's a mix of both of these things.

2. I'm not sure what would be fearful about having a void in my life by not participating in this relationship.  I have a fulfilling and successful career and family and friends who love me, I have a really active social life - some of which I have had to sacrifice to look after him at times - I have even sacrificed friendships along the way for this relationship with him.  I've gone 'all in'.  I'd be better off in many ways - financially, emotionally, socially even my health (as I was so exhausted always travelling to him and looking after him) but still there is a lingering thought of 'But is it worth anything without him'.

3. How do I feel about letting him be abusive to me in the ways I've described?  I feel ashamed, I feel like I should have acted differently, done better and done more, been more patient, put more effort into understanding what he was experiencing.  Despite logically knowing that the many things that have taken place in our relationship would suggest I've been on the receiving end of a lot of emotional abuse; it still doesn't feel like that to me and I struggle to recognise it as that.  Yet, I've internalised many of the comments he made about my personality and appearance etc - I don't think I ever used to think those things about myself but I do now. 

Even now as I sit here and contemplate whether I should try to write to him, I think was I abusive because as I tried to step away from him and go No Contact he sent me several messages that I didn't respond to and left me very teary voice messages asking me to contact him.  At the time I was so upset about what he'd done I didn't want to talk to him, and I felt overwhelmed and hurt.  I told him he'd hurt me and I couldn't trust him anymore and he still tried to contact me.  Was I abusive for ignoring him when he tried to make contact?  It feels like I was.  But then he used to say that if I was in am meeting at work and couldn't answer the phone.  I once ended a call with him to go to the toilet and because I didn't answer the phone when I was on the toilet (I think this is reasonable) - he called me abusive and blocked me for a while.

I am still thinking about writing to him and asking him to forgive me this.  Am I abusive if I reach out to him again?  Is that an abusive behaviour?  I want to reach out but am worried about what that means.  These are the thoughts that go around in my head whenever I think about it.

[Cat Familiar]

Over time when in a relationship with a BPD partner, our concepts of right/wrong, fair/unfair, abusive/compassionate can get wildly skewed when we buy into their model of the world. It doesn’t happen all at once, but slowly we can begin to doubt our own perceptions and judgment, when our partners are so adamant that their view of reality is correct.

Not responding or responding is not abusive. Responding and leading him on to believe that you want to restart your relationship, if you don’t, is abusive.

Making suicidal threats to manipulate you is abusive.

And the weepy, poor me, I am a victim of your abuse—is a frequently used manipulative behavior by people with BPD when other tactics haven’t achieved their desired outcome.

[orderline]

One cure to be less attracted is to nurture the possibility you as a caretaker is corrupt.

By corrupt I mean is nurturing or is activated by other people's problems.

To cure the urge of helping, consider what it would be to be appreciated without offering anything than your own existence.

One trick is to remove/restrain from yourself all the tools you possess and just be gradually more useless.

By slowly and intentionally becoming less useful and attentive your partner will turn away from you and find better caretakers. It is a great test to challenge your own deceptive behaviour to buy love by being useful.

By tuning your engagement down you will start to notice how your counterpart tries to win you back triggering your usefulness.

Experiment having encounters where you are a spectator with your hands behind your back. Notice the unease of being restrained from helping out.

What remains after you stop being useful and helpful is your actual relationship.
 
You can regulate how much help/services you are allowed to produce per month and gradually become a non obsessive helper free to say no whenever you say so.