For those whose mother has/had an eating disorder...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Eating disorders are insidious, complicated and destructive, as are the people who have them.

I have seen many posts and discussions on here over the years about members whose mother had an eating disorder, and the effect this had on them growing up.

My story is about the effect it is having on me now (I'm 60 soon), and I hope this story can help some of you take action early to prevent my recent diagnosis.

I got an X-Ray result last week showing a compression fracture in my T3 vertebrae.  

My mother was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa shortly after she gave birth to me.  She hated being pregnant because it made her fat.  After I was born, she stopped eating to get thin again.  I was always a runt.  About 20-25lb when I started school, and 60 lb by grade 7.  There are lots of stories from my childhood.  For lunch she fed me an "entire boiled egg" (that was a huge lunch).  In my tween and teen years, she had me on a diet all the time.  A few years ago I rediscovered diaries I had kept as a teenager.  I was horrified to read that "mom started a contest by putting us both on a diet, and whomever lost the most weight, would get a new pair of earings".  

When I went away to university, I learned a few things, opened up my eyes, cleared my head, and embraced food, flavour, nutrition and health.

When I was 40, I went through early menopause.  From my study at university, I knew that this fact, together with being a female, caucasion, petite, having a mother with osteoporosis (bad genetics), and having had a poor childhood diet and also having been taught that I couldn't ever be good at sports because I was so small, put me at risk for osteoporosis.  So I started requesting bone density exams.  When I was diagnosed with osteoporosis at the age of about 45 (via bone density exam), I became aggressively determined to manage it through a healthy diet and physical activity.  I was hoping to avoid having to take bisphosphonates to treat the osteoporosis.

My plan failed despite great effort, as I found out this past week.  My efforts came too late in life, because bone structure is essentially laid down in childhood mostly by the time we are 19.
Despite my best efforts as an adult, a recent X-RAY revealed a compressed vertebrae, which translates to weak bone structure meaning my risk for fractures is high.  Many women don't even know when their vertebrae are collapsed.  Other's know immediately with a trauma resulting in immediate pain.  My XRay was ordered because of back pain during the second half of the night, which has been a problem for over 6 years, and has not resolved with aggressive exercise, physio, massage, or chiro (and 3 new bed mattresses).  I am fine when I am upright.  I only have pain when laying down, in the second half of my sleep.  And it gets bad.  

I had all the risk factors.  But I also know how my mom fed me growing up.  So ladies, for those of you who had eating disordered mom's who tried to keep you thin all the years you were growing up at home, keep tabs on your bone densities as early as possible.  Take action.

I took my first Fosamax (bisphosphonate) treatment this morning.  I am not happy.

I am not telling my mom about my collapsed vertebrae.  In a sick kind of way, I know she would be happy that I have the same health issue she has.  She wouldn't care that I have it at 60, and she started having problems when she was about 75.  She wouldn't care period.   Somehow she would make it about her.  Telling her would just give her satisfaction that I have what she has, so now we are the same.  I have never wanted to be the same as her.  She tried to make me into a "minnie her".  Furthermore, nothing can be gained by telling her.  I just refuse to give her the satisfaction.

Do everything you can to look after yourselves ladies.  Educate yourselves.  Challenge the thinking your BPD mother raised you with.  Osteoporosis is not a great diagnosis, especially once the vertebrae start collapsing.  

[Methuen]

Eating disorders are insidious, complicated and destructive, as are the people who have them.

I have seen many posts and discussions on here over the years about members whose mother had an eating disorder, and the effect this had on them growing up.

My story is about the effect it is having on me now (I'm 60 soon), and I hope this story can help some of you take action early to prevent my recent diagnosis.

I got an X-Ray result last week showing a compression fracture in my T3 vertebrae.  

My mother was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa shortly after she gave birth to me.  She hated being pregnant because it made her fat.  After I was born, she stopped eating to get thin again.  I was always a runt.  About 20-25lb when I started school, and 60 lb by grade 7.  There are lots of stories from my childhood.  For lunch she fed me an "entire boiled egg" (that was a huge lunch).  In my tween and teen years, she had me on a diet all the time.  A few years ago I rediscovered diaries I had kept as a teenager.  I was horrified to read that "mom started a contest by putting us both on a diet, and whomever lost the most weight, would get a new pair of earings".  

When I went away to university, I learned a few things, opened up my eyes, cleared my head, and embraced food, flavour, nutrition and health.

When I was 40, I went through early menopause.  From my study at university, I knew that this fact, together with being a female, caucasion, petite, having a mother with osteoporosis (bad genetics), and having had a poor childhood diet and also having been taught that I couldn't ever be good at sports because I was so small, put me at risk for osteoporosis.  So I started requesting bone density exams.  When I was diagnosed with osteoporosis at the age of about 45 (via bone density exam), I became aggressively determined to manage it through a healthy diet and physical activity.  I was hoping to avoid having to take bisphosphonates to treat the osteoporosis.

My plan failed despite great effort, as I found out this past week.  My efforts came too late in life, because bone structure is essentially laid down in childhood mostly by the time we are 19.
Despite my best efforts as an adult, a recent X-RAY revealed a compressed vertebrae, which translates to weak bone structure meaning my risk for fractures is high.  Many women don't even know when their vertebrae are collapsed.  Other's know immediately with a trauma resulting in immediate pain.  My XRay was ordered because of back pain during the second half of the night, which has been a problem for over 6 years, and has not resolved with aggressive exercise, physio, massage, or chiro (and 3 new bed mattresses).  I am fine when I am upright.  I only have pain when laying down, in the second half of my sleep.  And it gets bad.  

I had all the risk factors.  But I also know how my mom fed me growing up.  So ladies, for those of you who had eating disordered mom's who tried to keep you thin all the years you were growing up at home, keep tabs on your bone densities as early as possible.  Take action.

I took my first Fosamax (bisphosphonate) treatment this morning.  I am not happy.

I am not telling my mom about my collapsed vertebrae.  In a sick kind of way, I know she would be happy that I have the same health issue she has.  She wouldn't care that I have it at 60, and she started having problems when she was about 75.  She wouldn't care period.   Somehow she would make it about her.  Telling her would just give her satisfaction that I have what she has, so now we are the same.  I have never wanted to be the same as her.  She tried to make me into a "minnie her".  Furthermore, nothing can be gained by telling her.  I just refuse to give her the satisfaction.

Do everything you can to look after yourselves ladies.  Educate yourselves.  Challenge the thinking your BPD mother raised you with.  Osteoporosis is not a great diagnosis, especially once the vertebrae start collapsing.  

[Notwendy]

Hi Methuen-

I am sorry you have to be dealing with this, and my BPD mother has an eating disorder.  She has always been on some kind of "diet" and she has also been very petite. I am smaller than average but , by my teens, I grew taller than her. I was an active kid so had some muscles. By age 10 she began to tell me I was getting fat. I was not overweight. But her comments influenced my own self image and I also tried dieting like her. Now, post menopause, I have been on the border of low bone mass as well and it concerns me. My doctor is following this closely.

I was about 12 when my BPD mother even got my father on board to tell me he'd buy me new clothes if I lost weight. When I look at pictures of myself at that age, I see a slim kid. This had to be her disordered thinking. I am shocked that my father went along with it, but by then, I think he went along with her to keep the peace.

The result of this was a lot of insecurity about how I looked. I still tend to buy clothing that is too large on me to cover up. It was hard enough as a teen to have super skinny fashion models as examples of beauty and then to have parents say things like this to me. But I could have felt more confident without these negative messages from my parents.

I too would say to any young women- don't take on a drastic diet. Our culture alone promotes thin fashion models as ideals to teens, who should be allowed to feel confident with the shape they have. I hope you are feeling better and the medicine helps. I agree to not discuss this with your mother.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Methuen,

There is not many words one can say when this kind of news hit someone...  I am sorry.

[zachira]

When I read your post last night, I was at a loss for words. We all hope that someday we will be free of all the emotional and physical damage done to us by our dysfunctional family members, and when some of it will never go away even if our perpetrator is no longer in our lives, the pain can be especially heart wrenching. It is particularly painful when the perpetrator is our mother, the person who was supposed to love her children unconditionally. My heart breaks for you knowing that you can't undo most of the osteoporosis though there are ways to strengthen your bones like through weight baring exerice, etc.,
My mother with BPD was very focused on feeding her children even when they were not hungry. My youngest brother died young and was very overweight. My brother with BPD is very hunched over, has bizarre food obsestions and gets no exercise. I am overweight and struggle with emotional eating.
I am keeping you in my thoughts.

[Notwendy]

It seems our own mother's relationship with food and body image impacted their children. My BPD mother's pattern was yo yo dieting where she both deprived herself of food but then got hungry.

Methuen- I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I understand the fear of being seen as "like your mother" and her sense of possibly competing with you. One thing that possibly protected my mother's bone density was that she was placed on hormones at menopause. Possibly your mother was too which may be why she has this issue at a later age. That was the trend for their generation. It's no longer being automatically done now.

Please take care of yourself. This, does not make you "like your mother". 

Zachira- I think emotional eating is also common with emotional trauma and hopefully your work with this and self care will also be connected to some positive changes with this. Be good to yourself. 

[Mata]

Methuen - I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis, that's really tough news.  Especially when we can see the link to our mothers' disorders.  I was recently diagnosed with a rare, chronic disease and had surgery two weeks ago.  It's considered idiopathic, so the doctors don't know what causes it.  But I suspect it may well be rooted in trauma.  Like you, I've tried to be really proactive about my health as an adult.  But I think all the stress we went through as children of bpd mothers takes a toll on our bodies during our critical developmental years, and sometimes we just can't undo that, no matter how hard we try. 

Hugs to you.   

[Methuen]

NW, it saddens me so much to hear these stories about mothers who spoke messages to their daughters that they were "lesser than" because of their body size or shape.   My mom always equated how "skinny" one was with how nice a person they were.  Exactly what is rational about that?  I always argued (yes - argued) that kindness and character were worth far more than appearance.  It fell on deaf ears but I didn't care.  I just wasn't going to stay silent which is akin to accepting her view as the truth.
 

and It was hard enough as a teen to have super skinny fashion models as examples of beauty and then to have parents say things like this to me. But I could have felt more confident without these negative messages from my parents.

  Exactly.  Those media images of skinny models are photoshopped.  This side of media helps to perpetuate  the diet industry - a multi billion dollar industry annually.

The term "diet" holds so much negativity for me.  Full disclosure - I get a little charged up when I hear that word.  For me, instead of withholding calories, I eat healthy 80% of the time, and whatever I want 20% of the time. 

I want to eat healthy because it gives me more energy, keeps the inflammation inside my body down, lowers risk of disease and allows me to be more active.  I don't give a fig leaf what my body looks like to others.  But I used to - when I was a teen living at home with my mom.  All I wanted was to be skinny.  My mom was always skinny.  Now she's weak, decrepit, and can barely move around her own house.  All that dieting gave her weak muscles and made her frail. I would say that nobody wants to end up like her.  I carry a few extra pounds now, but my focus is on maintaining and building my muscular strength and endurance, my flexibility, and my cardio.  Not my weight.  The obsession with weight is media driven, and diet industry driven.

I just wish we could all accept the diversity of many body shapes and sizes without judgement.

Thank you NW, Riv3rW0lf, Zachira and Mata for your kind words of support.  The support really helps to manage and process the frustration and grief that come with knowing that my mother's inability to nourish me in childhood because of her unhealthy attitudes towards food contributed to my diagnosis. 

I am doing what I can, trying to stay positive, and move forward in all the ways I can to protect my bones the best that I can.

[Goldcrest]

Hi Methuen, I am so sorry to read about your Osteoporosis diagnosis. I can relate to a mother with ED. My own mother has anorexia and my dad was morbidly obese when he died, so heavy that the hospital bariatric bed still caused his feet to be squashed. I was bulimic as a child and my brother is morbidly obese now with type 2 diabetes.

I want to eat healthy because it gives me more energy, keeps the inflammation inside my body down, lowers risk of disease and allows me to be more active.  I don't give a fig leaf what my body looks like to others.  But I used to - when I was a teen living at home with my mom.  All I wanted was to be skinny.  My mom was always skinny.  Now she's weak, decrepit, and can barely move around her own house.  All that dieting gave her weak muscles and made her frail. I would say that nobody wants to end up like her.  I carry a few extra pounds now, but my focus is on maintaining and building my muscular strength and endurance, my flexibility, and my cardio.  Not my weight.  The obsession with weight is media driven, and diet industry driven.

I wholeheartedly agree with the above. Movement is key and healthy diet. It was helpful to read your post because I suffer a lot with nerve pain in my legs but mostly ankles and hips. I am post menopause now (mine was early) and don't take HRT so do need to be aware of all the risks, I would cry from hunger as a child but we weren't poor. My mother didn't eat so we didn't eat.

[Methuen]

Goldcrest your story is gut wrenching. That there was such a dichotomy in your household between eating disorders and obesity, points to the destruction that your mothers mental illness contributed to.

“Young” are supposed to be nourished and kept safe by their parents - be they bears, puppies, elephants or humans.  We were not nourished, and many of us were not kept safe, including emotionally.

If the effects of the eating disorder stayed with the individual, it would be their choice and their consequence.  But we were children, and children are vulnerable.  The effects are passed on to us, and in the case of osteoporosis, we too suffer the consequences.  

I was 87 lb when I got pregnant with my first child.  

All I wish for now that we are all adults is for everyone reading this to be aware of the osteoporosis risks.  They are real.  I did everything I could from the age of 40 to mitigate my risks - except for taking bisphosphonate medication.  Now that I have my first vertebral compression fracture ( no idea what caused it or even when it happened ), I have started the Fosamax.

I hope my experience can help to inform others.  Ask for a bone density once you are 40 or menopausal.  Explain your risk factors.  Repeat the bone density every 1-3 years to follow the changes.  It’s most helpful if the bone density test is repeated at the same site with the same machine each time.  

If you have chronic back pain, ask for X Rays, and be aware that an Xray or CT scan does not cover the entire vertebral column, but only sections of it.

My back pain to date is mostly at night.  It makes getting a good nights sleep a big problem (6 years on now).

[Notwendy]

Did you take calcium and vitamin D? I slacked off on that and physical activity during the Covid lockdown and am now trying to be better with it.

[Goldcrest]

Methuen, I hear you about asking for a bone scan and It is something I am going to task myself with. I am 50 this year and am terrible at asking the doctors for anything. I run 3 times a week  but obsessive exercise is a thing of the past. I run now to bond with my dog and for my mental health. I'm quite a fidgety person anyway so being active is natural. I suppose I tell myself my diet is good, I don't drink alcohol and I run so I must be okay?...but I also notice terrible joint pain some nights and try to ignore it.

I keep telling myself the doctors won't listen, nor want to help in a stretched NHS (uk) but I know it is just avoidance.

I was 87 lb when I got pregnant with my first child.

 

WOW Methuen. 

My brothers obesity breaks my heart. I see the suffering in his comfort eating and I want to wail with sadness for the little boy that didn't get fed. I felt the same about my dad. My dad would be so happy when he was eating food. If he was good to my mother (buying the mulberry handbag or the dollhouse or whatever thing she was obsessively in to) he would get a banquet. If he denied her, she would shame him for his weight and put him on a diet. If I see an overweight child now I want to go and cuddle them. I can't bear someone bullying a child for being overweight.

[Methuen]

Did you take calcium and vitamin D? I slacked off on that and physical activity during the Covid lockdown and am now trying to be better with it.

Yes.  But I have to be careful with calcium supplements too as I have a terrible history with kidney stones.  My mother taught me not to drink as a child so I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom , especially before getting in a vehicle to go somewhere.  I never learned to recognize when I was dehydrated.  Once My kidney stones started in my 20’s, I had to learn to drink - new habit.  I try to get most of my calcium from a healthy diet so it doesn’t add to a kidney stone problem.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I suppose I tell myself my diet is good, I don't drink alcohol and I run so I must be okay?...but I also notice terrible joint pain some nights and try to ignore it.
 

I'm 31, and while I have been a sport addict in my early twenties, I had to calm down radically when I had my children. I still exercice via jumping rope, HIIT, yoga and heavy lifting, but no running 60km per week like I used to.

I also experience joint pain, since November actually, since coming back from my mother, re-traumatized, my left knee and ankle are completely off, and my hands and wrist.

I do think I ate well growing up, with my father anyway. I didn't eat in front of people, but I ate.

So I wonder if the joint pain isn't psychosomatic. I also have bad back spasms that can keep me off my feet for many days. They seem to happen out of nowhere.

Plus vertigo and migraines issues.

I'm now sure those are all psychosomatic from stress and resulting from the abuse.

But my mother is starting to show signs of arthritis, her fingers are all crooked and stiff... Cannot run from DNA indefinitely either...

[Notwendy]

I think the mind-body connection is chicken and egg. If someone feels poorly- they feel stressed and vice versa.

Osteoporosis is connected to back pain though and so back pain should be checked out.

Goldcrest- I didn't have to ask for a bone density scan. It's a routine part of post menopause evaluation, at least here in the US. At one point, my doctor ordered one. Covid has probably eclipsed some evaluations- but I don't think it's out of line to ask for one.

Even if you are fine, it's a good idea to get a baseline one- they can compare others to that.

I can't really look to my mother for genetics. They put her on hormones at menopause- and that had to have a protective effect. They don't do that routinely now so we can't compare. Methuen- if your mother was also on hormones, that may have had a protective effect for her. My mother has been off them for a while.

And yes, kidney stones makes it hard to add too much calcium. I'm sorry your mother had such strange feelings about food and liquids. I hope the Fosamax brings quick healing for you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I have to agree with you with the chicken and egg.

I guess I am just trying to find reason for having so much joint pain already.

I remember once, sitting at the table after a night at my friend's house. Her parents had cooked one egg, cereals and toasts and I told them : this is too much food ! I never eat all that in the morning.

And I remember the look on their face, of disapproval. I thought at that moment it was directed at me. But they knew my mother had issues, and they were probablt disapproving of the diet I had.

Maybe I missed on nutrients when I was very young too, in hindsight... When she was alcoolic. She would not be there and my brothers would be responsible to feed me.

Maybe I should get checked too.

[Notwendy]

Riv3rWolf-
It's hard to know for sure. One of the reasons I had to have some boundaries with my parents when my father was ill was that I began to have physical symptoms of stress, and it scared me. I realized that I needed to take care of myself. These thankfully resolved when I did.

Joint pain  - probably can have both physical and emotional aspects. It's worth checking out- so you know how to address it. It may even be something like changing your diet, or doing certain exercises that might help, and then you'd know.



 

[Methuen]

I run now to bond with my dog and for my mental health  

I love this.  I finally made the connection between exercise and movement and stress reduction about 10 years ago.  I got my middle aged body to the gym and found myself a personal trainer to learn how to do all that stuff.  My goodness it felt good to work off all that negative energy and stress from work and a bpd mom.  It was mostly to address the osteoporosis with weight bearing activity, but the benefits with stress reduction were equal.  And it gave me energy.  When the pandemic hit, I had to work out at home, but I have enough equipment to make it work, and also got a custom yoga program from a physiotherapist.  Yoga is also magic for stress reduction, and pretty awesome for body health too.  Goldcrest I’m kinda wondering if yoga might be something to consider for all that joint pain?

...but I also notice terrible joint pain some nights and try to ignore it. I keep telling myself the doctors won't listen, nor want to help in a stretched NHS (uk) but I know it is just avoidance.
 

Do you know anyone who claims to have a great doctor who listens?  Could you then try with that doctor?  Pain is awful.  It would be great if there was an answer so you didn’t have to suffer so.  

My brothers obesity breaks my heart. I see the suffering in his comfort eating and I want to wail with sadness for the little boy that didn't get fed. I felt the same about my dad…. If I see an overweight child now I want to go and cuddle them. I can't bear someone bullying a child for being overweight.

 Yes.  Food used as a tool for coercive control is so destructive, manipulative, hurtful and wrong regardless of whether it’s about obesity or an eating disorder like anorexia or bulemia.  

Hugs to you Goldcrest.

[Methuen]

So I wonder if the joint pain isn't psychosomatic. I also have bad back spasms that can keep me off my feet for many days. They seem to happen out of nowhere.

Plus vertigo and migraines issues.

The link to psychosomatic makes me a bit nervous. I’ve been listening to radio programs over the years that have addressed the issue of womens health not being taken seriously by some doctors.  It kinda reminds me of Freud who liked to label women’s health problems as hysterical. 

No question that mind and body are linked.  But that doesn’t necessarily translate to our  physical problem being mental. 

What kind of vertigo  do you have Riverwolf?  Mine is BPPV.  I had an ENT that trained my husband about 10 years ago on how to do the Epley maneuver.  It’s been a lifesaver.  Now when I notice the first hint of a symptom, H does an Epley with me, which puts the crystals back into the ear canal where they belong, and I’m good again. 

Not psychosomatic.  Sometimes there are real treatments.  We shouldn’t have to suffer because someone is suggesting we are psychosomatic.  And I think we should be a bit resistant to buying  into “psychosomatic “.  I wonder if psychosomatic is as common for men as for women?  Just a question of curiosity.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Methuen,

My first experience with vertigo was BPPV yes. Having my husband trained in doing the Epley maneuver is a wonderful idea.

The migraines are stress related and have decreased in intensity since I've started doing yoga again and cardio workouts.

I think you are right that maybe saying something is psychosomatic isn't right and maybe indeed it does lead to women not being taken seriously. I think this might also be another way to critic myself : if it is psychosomatic, then it is only my fault and my own problem to solve. In hindsight, this is just another way to abuse myself.

I remember going to my mother's house and I started having nose bleedings, many times a day... She said : you still have nosebleed ? Because I also had them growing up when I lived with her. Those were not even psychosomatic... I was anxious, my heart was beating faster and resulting in nose bleeding. They stopped when I left to live with my father and never came back until I went back to stay with her for more than a couple days.

I think, added to the food issues... We all had to live in highly stressful environment from an early age, on high alert. This surely also left many scars on our body and minds.

After writing this, I agree with you all. Thank you for validating yours and my body's messages !   I recognize the invalidation brought on by saying something is only psychosomatic and how it is different from recognizing the link mind-body.

[Methuen]

I think you are right that maybe saying something is psychosomatic isn't right and maybe indeed it does lead to women not being taken seriously. I think this might also be another way to critic myself : if it is psychosomatic, then it is only my fault and my own problem to solve. In hindsight, this is just another way to abuse myself.

Exactly.  

Acknowledging this is a huge leap of progress Riv3rW0lf.  Many many  

On another note, when my ENT was treating my BPPV with the Epley, I asked him if I could bring my H to the next appointment to observe and learn the maneuver.  He said yes.  It's been life changing for me.  I haven't had an acute vertigo attack in about 15 years, because at the first sign of the lightest dizzy symptom (off balance or one or two revolutions of dizziness), H does the maneuver on me.  The whole thing takes about 2-2 1/2 min on each side.  If your ENT agrees to this, ask him to show your husband how to watch your eyes (Nystagmus).  GP's don't know how to do this maneuver like an ENT, from my experience.  It's just not the same when they do it, although I know they do their best.