Just lost bestfriend

[Our abuse recovery guide]

There's no option here for friends, so I chose family. I recently lost my bestfriend, I just knew it wasn't healthy. I'm going to keep to myself some of the s***** things she did to me.
We met and we instantly clicked, we had many things in common and talked about deep stuff. We realized we had suffered similar traumas and we shared them, we were so close. And I guess I decided to be vulnerable because I never feared loss like you would sometimes in a romantic relationship, that you take it slower.
I have always analized people, their patterns and behaviours and reasons behind them. She would tell me about her feelings or problems in her life and I would tell her what I thought was behind them, and help her find solutions, I never told her what to do, just helped her look at everything in a logical way. She would tell me what I said made so much sense. Sometimes we would argue about something (usually something very small that for some reason seemed huge to her) I never underestimated her feelings, I would thank her for telling me, explain to her my position, what I meant by what I said, that I was sorry if I wasn't clear, I didn't mean to hurt her, and she would say she understood and she was sorry too. I would feel drained after these arguments, but I tried to understand, some people just feel more hurt by some topics than others, right? And at the end, at least we had worked it out (or so I thought).
We continued talking and hanging out and sharing parts of our lives. She had a boyfriend and he started to behave like a complete d*** (I know it for a fact, it's not that she told me) after some time she decided she didn't deserve to be treated that way and left him. She was doing better in many parts of her life.
A few months went by and everything was fine, some ocassional arguments, like normal people, right? Then one day she had a problem with her family and didn't talk to me. She said she would get overwhelmed and knew she could take it on others, so she needed to clear her head. I got that, it seemed responsible. Then that got more common, and it lasted longer, I still tried to be there for her.
I would ask myself why she didn't do that at the beginning, but I would think she does it now because she trusts me enough to get some space.
Then out of nowhere she starts holding back, I could feel something was wrong. But she had gotten a job and she would say she was just tired. I tried many times, I told her if something happened she could tell me, but she would say it was work. I found out I was right, her shifts weren't that long and she would text and hangout with other people (but I couldn't confront her because I couldn't reveal my sources) and I just didn't understand what was happening.
Everytime I said I felt something was off she said she felt the same about me, and she implied I was being inconsiderate because I couldn't understand she was working. Then she would suddenly talk to me about something random, like we were the closest friends, and then silence again.
These past few months I had been suffering panic and anxiety attacks because of this, and there was this constant pain because deep down I knew she didn't care anymore, but I couldn't prove it so I kept going, trying to talk to her, answering when she would talk to me like nothing happened.
Trying to find an explanation, I thought maybe she had bipolar disorder but it didn't quite fit. Then in a thread on Quora I found about BPD and everything just made instant sense. I read many studies online and I know I'm not qualified to diagnose her, but she met all criteria and risk factors. Finally I knew it was not in my head, but it's not like I could tell her or anyone about it. Where we live there is not even one documented case of BPD in the public healthcare system, so there was absolutely no point in even trying to tell her, besides I knew she would take it as an offense. She had just started seeing a therapist for another reason, but honestly I don't think she would be qualified to treat her. Plus I learned that people with BPD usually don't stick to therapy, which has happened in her case. She had told me they all gave her generic answers and didn't help. I understood because I have also had many bad experiences with therapists so that didn't seem like a red flag back then.
What I couldn't understand was that we used to talk about behaviours and feelings, and she would think so logically about the reasons behind her actions with other people, but not now with me.
Before learning about BPD, I would think how could I leave her? I should be unconditional, and stick to her in the good and the bad.  We were suposed to be two old sisters who didn't care about the world...Then when I learned about BPD I thought how could I leave her? It's not on purpose, she doesn't mean it... But then she would lie to my face over and over, she wasn't there for me, and she knew I felt something was wrong. Many times before when there were problems she told me if it was best for me, she would understand if I left, and everytime I told her let's work this out. I gave so much of me.
There was just no solution, we couldn't go to family therapy or couples therapy, there is no best friend therapy (and I don't think she would have gone)
So I decided to talk. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I told her I felt she wasn't honest, I knew something happened, and it was just too much for me, and I listed all the things I knew she was doing. She accepted she wasn't honest about some things, but she denied others. She said she felt bad but she had reasons to do what she did. She brought up things I did or said that made her feel like I wanted to hurt her, and when I explained to her how it really was she said I wasn't considering her feelings, I told her I couldn't accept that I wanted to hurt her because I just didn't. I proved I wasn't lying about the things she accused me of and she said she wasn't going to change her mind, and I just didn't care about her feelings. I knew I couldn't take it anymore. Like always, she told me I should leave her, and after some time I said ok. I don't think she saw it coming. I don't even know how I feel. And I know she's already happily hanging out with new friends. I don't even know if she actually felt bad. It's like I didn't even exist. And I feel like I lost a sister. I always thought sticking together was the answer, but I guess sometimes it isn't. I'm just writing this in case someone is going through something similar. I don't think we talk enough about losing friends, and most of us don't even think it's possible. I know our common acquaintances will think I'm a heartless b**** because you just aren't supposed to leave a friend at her lowest point. And I won't tell them my side because I don't want to talk behind her back and it's not even like they're going to ask me. I just now what they'll think.
I know it was the best for me and even for her, because I'm not letting her continue that cycle, at least not with me, but I feel horrible. And she will probably be happy for some time until she starts another downward spiral with someone else. So yeah, I just hope we talk more about these friendships and some day we won't have to feel guilty for choosing to leave.

[nohpe]

There's no option here for friends, so I chose family. I recently lost my bestfriend, I just knew it wasn't healthy. I'm going to keep to myself some of the s***** things she did to me.
We met and we instantly clicked, we had many things in common and talked about deep stuff. We realized we had suffered similar traumas and we shared them, we were so close. And I guess I decided to be vulnerable because I never feared loss like you would sometimes in a romantic relationship, that you take it slower.
I have always analized people, their patterns and behaviours and reasons behind them. She would tell me about her feelings or problems in her life and I would tell her what I thought was behind them, and help her find solutions, I never told her what to do, just helped her look at everything in a logical way. She would tell me what I said made so much sense. Sometimes we would argue about something (usually something very small that for some reason seemed huge to her) I never underestimated her feelings, I would thank her for telling me, explain to her my position, what I meant by what I said, that I was sorry if I wasn't clear, I didn't mean to hurt her, and she would say she understood and she was sorry too. I would feel drained after these arguments, but I tried to understand, some people just feel more hurt by some topics than others, right? And at the end, at least we had worked it out (or so I thought).
We continued talking and hanging out and sharing parts of our lives. She had a boyfriend and he started to behave like a complete d*** (I know it for a fact, it's not that she told me) after some time she decided she didn't deserve to be treated that way and left him. She was doing better in many parts of her life.
A few months went by and everything was fine, some ocassional arguments, like normal people, right? Then one day she had a problem with her family and didn't talk to me. She said she would get overwhelmed and knew she could take it on others, so she needed to clear her head. I got that, it seemed responsible. Then that got more common, and it lasted longer, I still tried to be there for her.
I would ask myself why she didn't do that at the beginning, but I would think she does it now because she trusts me enough to get some space.
Then out of nowhere she starts holding back, I could feel something was wrong. But she had gotten a job and she would say she was just tired. I tried many times, I told her if something happened she could tell me, but she would say it was work. I found out I was right, her shifts weren't that long and she would text and hangout with other people (but I couldn't confront her because I couldn't reveal my sources) and I just didn't understand what was happening.
Everytime I said I felt something was off she said she felt the same about me, and she implied I was being inconsiderate because I couldn't understand she was working. Then she would suddenly talk to me about something random, like we were the closest friends, and then silence again.
These past few months I had been suffering panic and anxiety attacks because of this, and there was this constant pain because deep down I knew she didn't care anymore, but I couldn't prove it so I kept going, trying to talk to her, answering when she would talk to me like nothing happened.
Trying to find an explanation, I thought maybe she had bipolar disorder but it didn't quite fit. Then in a thread on Quora I found about BPD and everything just made instant sense. I read many studies online and I know I'm not qualified to diagnose her, but she met all criteria and risk factors. Finally I knew it was not in my head, but it's not like I could tell her or anyone about it. Where we live there is not even one documented case of BPD in the public healthcare system, so there was absolutely no point in even trying to tell her, besides I knew she would take it as an offense. She had just started seeing a therapist for another reason, but honestly I don't think she would be qualified to treat her. Plus I learned that people with BPD usually don't stick to therapy, which has happened in her case. She had told me they all gave her generic answers and didn't help. I understood because I have also had many bad experiences with therapists so that didn't seem like a red flag back then.
What I couldn't understand was that we used to talk about behaviours and feelings, and she would think so logically about the reasons behind her actions with other people, but not now with me.
Before learning about BPD, I would think how could I leave her? I should be unconditional, and stick to her in the good and the bad.  We were suposed to be two old sisters who didn't care about the world...Then when I learned about BPD I thought how could I leave her? It's not on purpose, she doesn't mean it... But then she would lie to my face over and over, she wasn't there for me, and she knew I felt something was wrong. Many times before when there were problems she told me if it was best for me, she would understand if I left, and everytime I told her let's work this out. I gave so much of me.
There was just no solution, we couldn't go to family therapy or couples therapy, there is no best friend therapy (and I don't think she would have gone)
So I decided to talk. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I told her I felt she wasn't honest, I knew something happened, and it was just too much for me, and I listed all the things I knew she was doing. She accepted she wasn't honest about some things, but she denied others. She said she felt bad but she had reasons to do what she did. She brought up things I did or said that made her feel like I wanted to hurt her, and when I explained to her how it really was she said I wasn't considering her feelings, I told her I couldn't accept that I wanted to hurt her because I just didn't. I proved I wasn't lying about the things she accused me of and she said she wasn't going to change her mind, and I just didn't care about her feelings. I knew I couldn't take it anymore. Like always, she told me I should leave her, and after some time I said ok. I don't think she saw it coming. I don't even know how I feel. And I know she's already happily hanging out with new friends. I don't even know if she actually felt bad. It's like I didn't even exist. And I feel like I lost a sister. I always thought sticking together was the answer, but I guess sometimes it isn't. I'm just writing this in case someone is going through something similar. I don't think we talk enough about losing friends, and most of us don't even think it's possible. I know our common acquaintances will think I'm a heartless b**** because you just aren't supposed to leave a friend at her lowest point. And I won't tell them my side because I don't want to talk behind her back and it's not even like they're going to ask me. I just now what they'll think.
I know it was the best for me and even for her, because I'm not letting her continue that cycle, at least not with me, but I feel horrible. And she will probably be happy for some time until she starts another downward spiral with someone else. So yeah, I just hope we talk more about these friendships and some day we won't have to feel guilty for choosing to leave.

[Notwendy]

So yeah, I just hope we talk more about these friendships and some day we won't have to feel guilty for choosing to leave.

It is hard to lose a friend by walking away but IMHO, it's a sign of having good boundaries that led you to this decision. You could recognize that these dynamics were detrimental to you. An emotionally healthy person would not be lying to a friend like that. It seems like the emotional support was one sided on your part.

The Karpman triangle information could be helpful to you and you will be able to see how she seemed to take victim perspective and you as the supportive friend- rescuer. You mentioned some people might see you as being heartless ( persecutor ) but you know the truth. You aren't.

Friendship is reciprocal. Not that one keeps score but it's between two congenial and mutually supportive people. You are not obligated to her, and you have the right to choose who to be friends with,