Please, I Need Support With Break-up With Lover

[Teach2112]

Three years ago my marriage was in the crapper. I got involved with a colleague, a fellow teacher (she's married as well). She made me feel again. It was great. But there were things. She would have meltdowns over the littlest things. But on the other hand would tell me how she couldn't be without me, how she thinks of me constantly, etc...

Over the last year there there have been more meltdowns, more of me getting frustrated. I broke it off for a month but like a drug went back.

My therapist told me that she seems like she has BPD. The more research I did and I read "Walking on Eggshells," the more I saw the more I didn't like.

She's had two meltdowns two weeks apart and blocked me on FB. I feel so much better, but have so many questions and things I need to get off my chest I have no idea where to start. And I need to feel this is a safe place.

Help! I need support. I need to vent.

[LaRonge]

Three years ago my marriage was in the crapper. I got involved with a colleague, a fellow teacher (she's married as well). She made me feel again. It was great. But there were things. She would have meltdowns over the littlest things. But on the other hand would tell me how she couldn't be without me, how she thinks of me constantly, etc...

Over the last year there there have been more meltdowns, more of me getting frustrated. I broke it off for a month but like a drug went back.

My therapist told me that she seems like she has BPD. The more research I did and I read "Walking on Eggshells," the more I saw the more I didn't like.

She's had two meltdowns two weeks apart and blocked me on FB. I feel so much better, but have so many questions and things I need to get off my chest I have no idea where to start. And I need to feel this is a safe place.

Help! I need support. I need to vent.

Everybody on here has had similar experiences (otherwise we wouldn't be on here!). What questions do you have? Feel free to vent.

[Rev]

Hi Teach.

Welcome to a very safe place. I'm sorry you find yourself in emotional torment and I'm glad you found us.

There's tons of wisdom here and lots compassion. One thing you'll never find here though - judgement.

So yes ... just what Laronge said.

Hang in there

Rev

[Teach2112]

OK, here goes. Let me go with the most recent meltdown. It has something to do with the previous meltdown. But first some background. I apologize if this is to graphic.

Sometime in 2019 I talked her into buying a vibrator. I promised her I would give her the $$ back. But PLEASE READ happened in the ensuing time. In November 2019 she went on a leave from school so she was no longer in the Bronx. She lives 60 miles from me so us meeting was already difficult outside of the Bronx due to among other things her husband finding out about us in April 2019. Plus, when COVID came along we were teaching from home, etc... so it was difficult to get her the money.

In February I fell asleep one night and didn't text her. This led to a minor meltdown but somehow it led to the bigger meltdown of the cash for the vibe. All of the sudden after 2 1/2 years whammo! Yes, I have issues with following through. I am ADHD and I have tried to tell her and have her read about adult ADHD to no avail.

So I get "I can't use it knowing you didn't give me the money as you promised." Even though she wasn't on top of it as well. I just got insanity on the phone, she wouldn't let me get word in edge wise, screaming at me over a vibrator, etc..

Anyway I go to meet her after school, I have $20 in my pocket I try to give her the money and she says no. I say "OK, I'll run into bodega and take the money out and you'll have it in 30 seconds." She drives off. She blocks me on FB. I email her letting lose. About how she lies, about that she is BPD, she needs help. Etc...

That lasts a week, and we're talking again. There is a district wide Happy Hour March 25 and I tell her she'll have the money then. By the 25th I couldn't get the money and was hoping and praying she would forget. Yes, I should have told her beforehand but honestly, I am and was afraid of a meltdown. But I promised to get her the money this week that we are off.

March 27 she texts me telling me she's thinking of me sending me the most erotic photos of what she wants to do with me. The next morning we are talking on the phone and I can tell she is in a bad mood and she brings up the $60 again. In less than 12 hours she goes from wanting to b**w me to hating me and yelling at me.  I say I can't deal with this and I'll talk to her in two weeks (this week) when I come with the $60. She texted me a few times again that day chastising me etc.. I ignored her and then she blocked me.

I can't take this PLEASE READ anymore. There's a lot more I haven't shared. She's like a drug.

What gets me is that she doesn't see how her meltdowns are destructive. She doesn't even see these as meltdowns. That she says I treat her bad yet when she does this time after time to inane bullPLEASE READ she doesn't see how this affects me and my mental health.

[Rev]

I can't take this PLEASE READ anymore. There's a lot more I haven't shared. She's like a drug.

Hi Teach,

Thank you for the trust you are placing in the process of BPD Family.  It takes courage to type out your thoughts/feelings in writing.

This - this here - is the bottom line with these relationships, especially when, inevitably then end. They always end. That, or the person who "stays" to "be supportive" continues to suffer.

These relationship are very much like a drug. The people we are with are like people with substance problems. Their "drug" is the emotional drama. That's not just an image. That's a bio-psychological fact.

Rest easy. We've all been there. It sucks. It can be really hard. And - even if it doesn't feel like it's ever going to get better, it will.

So, what are your best hopes for reaching out in this thread?  What is missing in your life and personal well-being that is missing that you would like to gain?

Reach out when you are ready and we can start to chat.

Hang in there.

Rev.

[lost_in_FOG]

A lot of what you've written in your story resonates deeply with me. I was actually in a very successful and loving (but long distance) relationship before I met my exwBPD.  I too am a teacher and she started working across the hall from me in the middle of the school year about 5 years ago.  My life has not been the same ever since.  She was married at the time with a 1.5 year old child.  From the day I met her, she saw me as an opportunity to gain something.  We became friends quickly because I'm a kind person and wanted the see her program prosper (she had never taught before).  In hind sight I can see how she latched onto me for her own benefit, but at the time I was naive.

The more we chatted the more she started to paint her husband in a terrible light, blaming him for so many reasons why she was unhappy and how he was never there and she felt abandoned. Giant RED FLAGS that I knew nothing about. Now that I have all this information, I can see clearly that she was doing to him what she would eventually do to me, and likely has done to all other relationships in which she's been involved.

I shared information with her about how sexual and loving my long distance relationship was, and before I knew it she was throwing herself at me. I didn't have the will power to deny her sexual advances, and before I knew it we were deeply involved in an insanely steamy affair that was full of highly risky sexual situations.  I can't take it back now, but I really wish I had more knowledge of the road ahead based on those red flags.

What started as pure unbridled sexual passion and idealization from her of me, quickly turned into absolute turmoil.  The anger, rage, passive aggression, denial of affection, ghosting, false accusations, belittling verbal attacks all came on strong... but in waves that were countered with even higher sexual advances toward and a bottomless pit of neediness.  Arguments would be sparked from nothing and could last minutes or weeks.  Nothing was predictable.   It's maddening, and what I've come to realize is that it wasn't my fault and the things she accused me of were all in her mind.  

Hang in there.  The only thing you can do for your own sanity is to cut ties with her completely and do whatever you can to stop thinking about her. She will not change, and it will only get worse.

[Teach2112]

I need a place to vent. A place to learn. And a place for support to get me through finally breaking the habit of this "drug."

[Rev]

I need a place to vent. A place to learn. And a place for support to get me through finally breaking the habit of this "drug."

Hi again Teach,

So I hear you saying that she's a drug for you.

Let's start with that. An "addiction" starts with meeting an unresolved need. At first, it's under control. Things can get out of hand when we are not so aware of the deeper need that exists "somewhere in there" but can't quite put our fingers on it.  That blind spot is the breeding ground for cravings.

These relationships can take over our minds like a gambling rush takes over someone with a gambling problem. 

Is this resonating with you?  In venting, you might uncover your blind spot.

Do you find yourself "craving her" in spite of yourself? Do you find yourself "hoping it will make sense" when deep down you know she'll never really make sense to you?

What do you think?

Rev