Took that terrifying step.

[WalkbyFaith]

Well, friends -- I finally did it. As of this morning, I finally told my mother that I am done hearing from her (and rest of the family) about all my supposed shortcomings and ways I have failed them, told her I am taking an indefinite break from communication with them.

Essentially, I officially went No Contact, but tried to do so gently and respectfully.

I have been wrestling over this for days, weeks really. I was physically shaking as I hit the Send button. So scared. I asked myself what am I scared of? and the answer was 1) I'm scared that I'm doing the wrong thing, that I should be trying harder to restore the relationships, and 2) I'm scared that this is it and I will never be able to talk to my sisters again. But in reality -- my sisters are already not speaking to me. I'm heartbroken to "lose the relationships" but if I'm honest, they're already gone. Sending this message was just making it official to my uBPD mother and all her enmeshed household (ie my dad and sisters) that I'm done. Done listening to how "bad" I am and how much I hurt them. Done with "working on the relationship" which really means them blaming me until I surrender and apologize. Done with being gaslit and accused.

I received a message back from my mom fairly quickly, but I haven't read it. My H doesn't want me to read any more messages from her unless he, or someone else trusted, screens them first. After the message from her came one from my dad. He said, "Your mom just called me in a full blown panic attack saying you're cutting her out of your life." (please note: I specifically included the sentence: "I am not cutting you out of my life forever; I am taking an indefinite break from communication." as always, twisting my words and misquoting me, yet again) He said something about that he knew my mom and I had issues but that we should talk about it (which we've been doing for weeks now) and that messages could be misunderstood and we should talk on the phone.

An older woman I respect and trust has advised me not to talk about this in person or on the phone with my parents unless a third party mediator is present. So at this point I think I am just going to ignore my dad's request to talk on the phone, unless he pushes it. My mom twists and misinterprets almost everything I say. I've seen more and more examples of this lately. So I dont' see a phone conversation being helpful at all. I've said what I needed to say, and she's panicking.

Every time the anxiety starts rising up in my chest today...I'm telling myself out loud, "Her reaction is not my responsibility." It helps a bit.

Thank you all for being a support and sounding board.

[Turkish]

Good for you, and it's great that you have a mentor and friend closer to their age as a sounding board to provide clarity.

What do you feel is terrifying about it?

Where do you feel things will go from here?

[beatricex]

hi WalkbyFaith,
This is super scary, I get it.  I have had to go no contact with my entire FOO a few times.  In a dysfunctional family system, the status quo is maintained, so no I don't think you can really expect any real change, not right away anway.

It's great that you have the support system in place and also that you are came here to post about your feelings.  Feelings just are, there's really no "right or wrong" way to feel about this decision (I know you know that).

 
b

[judee]

Hi Wbf,

I read you are terrified partly because you doubt if you are right doing this.
A friend of mine helped me enormously by explaining it really doesn't matter where or who exactly in the relationship is 'right' or 'wrong'.
You are doing the right thing because right now there is only this: a situation that is unhealthy for you, that makes you (and possibly the other parties involved as weel)  feel miserable, the desire to move away from it. The sum of all this ( contact) is misery. So good for you for taking action on it.
Never feel doubtful for listening to that and trying to change that.

[Goldcrest]

Good for you, WalkbyFaith literally GOOD for YOU. I get how hard this first few days are but as judee put it...

You are doing the right thing because right now there is only this: a situation that is unhealthy for you, that makes you (and possibly the other parties involved as weel)  feel miserable, the desire to move away from it. The sum of all this ( contact) is misery. So good for you for taking action on it.

That was what did for me in the end. I could keep suffering and weeping about how much pain the relationship was causing me, or I could make a choice that saved me from further pain. I knew my mum would be okay because she is so incredibly well defended. Her defences make it possible for her to avoid accountability and she will have plenty people to soothe her if she feels hurt. I don't ever regret going no contact. For me I have to believe it is permanent but for you and others it can be a pause, you are in control of where you go next. Enjoy the glorious peace from the dysfunction. Sometimes I feel angry, somedays I feel sadness. Often if I am out shopping and I see something my mother would like (she was very childlike in her tastes) a rabbit print on a dress or plants at the garden centre she would choose. In those moments I long for a mother who could share these joys with me, and there were moments where we would notice things together or share something nice.

If you have a wobble then we are all here to listen. There are no right or wrongs, it's all part of the journey.

[Riv3rW0lf]

That was what did for me in the end. I could keep suffering and weeping about how much pain the relationship was causing me, or I could make a choice that saved me from further pain. I knew my mum would be okay because she is so incredibly well defended. Her defences make it possible for her to avoid accountability and she will have plenty people to soothe her if she feels hurt.

A 100% this. This is a part that I was personnally missing. When I imagine myself going no contact, part of me thinks of the waif, but this is gold. They are well defended. Their defences make it possible for them to avoid accountability... And this is what is also so toxic about them and unhealthy for us.

Congratulations WalkbyFaith for standing up for yourself.

I am in an unofficial no contact currently... Thinking of making it official, before Mother's Day probably. It is a huge step. I don't know if I will be able to, but your post gives me hope. If others could do it, maybe I can too. So thank you for sharing your journey.

I've told my story to a dear friend of mine yesterday and her first reaction was : I think you should cut her off. It's interesting to see how clear this is to my husband, to my dear friend, even my therapist told me he doesn't believe I will ever be able to forgive her for what she has let happened to me. I am coming to terms with the fact that : I had no mother anyway. It's not my mother I would be cutting contact with. It's all very fuzzy, still, inside my head.

All this to say : thank you for sharing your journey, it helps me to read all your courage here.

[livednlearned]

I'm done. Done listening to how "bad" I am and how much I hurt them. Done with "working on the relationship" which really means them blaming me until I surrender and apologize. Done with being gaslit and accused.

It sounds like you want to feel safe, you weren't feeling safe, and now you are taking a step back figure out how to do that. 

It seems less like you are doing more to take care of you and less about doing something to them, though they will likely see it that way since your role served a purpose in the family unit.

What kind of relationship do you plan to have, or want to have, with your dad?

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you all for your kind words as I walk through this change.

Goldcrest:

I knew my mum would be okay because she is so incredibly well defended. Her defences make it possible for her to avoid accountability and she will have plenty people to soothe her if she feels hurt.

Wow - so true! This is such a good point. My mom also has my entire FOO to soothe her hurt feelings and reassure her that she's the victim.

Riverwolf:

even my therapist told me he doesn't believe I will ever be able to forgive her for what she has let happened to me.

I personally see this as a different thing from forgiveness. In fact I told my mom in my message that I am working on forgiving her, but that forgiveness doesn't equal fellowship when there's still ongoing hurt. This is very personal to each of us, of course. But something to think about -- forgiveness and contact/no contact don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand.

livednlearned:

What kind of relationship do you plan to have, or want to have, with your dad?

At this point I am considering myself NC with him as well as my mom. He is 100% her enabler, her soother, her flying monkey. I have always adored my dad while growing up, but have lost most of my respect for him in the last few years, as he just allows her to treat me this way and agrees with whatever she says.

Had another text on my phone yesterday from my mom saying "Please let me know you'll read just one more message." Dad says she wants to send another (undoubtedly super long) message to apologize. All of her messages are long and rambling. An apology will be her last ditch effort to play the victim and guilt me back to her. I didn't answer to tell her yes or no about reading it. There's such a weird sense of freedom here, in teaching myself that I'm not responsible for her feelings. You all have helped me start to learn that. Thank you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

You are right that it is different. I think what I was getting at and that I finally internalized yesterday is that : I don't think I will ever be able to find a sense of peace while maintaining contact with her, and feeling unable to forgive her is, for me, one of the main reasons for it.

The ultimate forgiveness likely won't ever happen for me, but maybe I can get to a compassionate disengagement, to get a sense of peace. I just know she will never recognize her part in what I went through, and worst case scenario she will gaslight me saying it never happened. But my father confirmed he had his doubts and regrets doing nothing about it. Part of him was in denial, refused to see, but he knew and finally admitted it. This validation from him was the final blow to a potential future for any relationship with her, any closeness was made impossible.

But the further I am from her, the more peaceful I feel toward my past. This is not forgiving her, nor is it my goal to do so anymore, which is what I was hoping for when I first started therapy... Now I just want to allow myself more space to be healthy and at peace. And seeing my mother, being in the same house as hers, just reactivate trauma, which feels like a setback every time.

I am sorry that your father protects her. Sometimes I wonder how it is for them, having to choose between their children and their wife. It is a horrible position to be in, and I always wonder what got them there... To want and accept all this abuse, and to agree in becoming a vector for it themselves.

Nothing is easy about all this, so again, congratulations on standing up for yourself. Wishing you courage and peace.

[Goldcrest]

I am sorry that your father protects her. Sometimes I wonder how it is for them, having to choose between their children and their wife. It is a horrible position to be in, and I always wonder what got them there... To want and accept all this abuse, and to agree in becoming a vector for it themselves.

I ask myself this question a lot Riv3rW0lf. At the hospital while my dad lay dying it was clear to me (things he said that were passive/aggressive) that my mum had painted me black, given him the impression I didn't want to be there/help/been selfish. He was cold to me at the end. I struggle to make excuses for it but I see he was so brainwashed by her too, like her flying monkeys. Only willing to see her version of events. When we were small and vunerable I guess he lacked empathy. No empathy for himself (he was beaten a lot as a boy) so hard to feel compassion for others I guess.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I ask myself this question a lot Riv3rW0lf. At the hospital while my dad lay dying it was clear to me (things he said that were passive/aggressive) that my mum had painted me black, given him the impression I didn't want to be there/help/been selfish. He was cold to me at the end. I struggle to make excuses for it but I see he was so brainwashed by her too, like her flying monkeys. Only willing to see her version of events. When we were small and vunerable I guess he lacked empathy. No empathy for himself (he was beaten a lot as a boy) so hard to feel compassion for others I guess.

I am sorry... Such a bad departure. I understand your anger and hurt.

My stepfather was also beaten when he was a boy, and his mother liked to create chaos between her children too. His sisters call her a narcissist. I don't know if she had the disorder or just was very egoist, but they had it pretty rough.

He says he had many therapies and he forgave his past and let go, but l doubt it... seeing how he is now stuck with my mother, who abuse the hell out of him, treating him like he is senile. I see a man reliving his own trauma, day after day. And there is just not much of him left.  She can be good to him too, but the abuse is always just a wrong word away.

[Imatter33]

Just so proud of you, bc you have now gotten to the place where “ your needs matter the most”
Yes i reference my screen name.

But, it’s not selfish to stick up for yourself. Not selfish.
Bravo.

[Notwendy]

I ask myself this question a lot Riv3rW0lf. At the hospital while my dad lay dying it was clear to me (things he said that were passive/aggressive) that my mum had painted me black, given him the impression I didn't want to be there/help/been selfish. He was cold to me at the end. I struggle to make excuses for it but I see he was so brainwashed by her too, like her flying monkeys. Only willing to see her version of events.

Oh gosh, I could have written this. Hugs to you. I understand.

[lm1109]

Every time the anxiety starts rising up in my chest today...I'm telling myself out loud, "Her reaction is not my responsibility." It helps a bit.

I wish I had started telling myself this decades ago! To build upon that a bit...I also remind myself that NC actually has NOTHING to do with my mom/parents at all...it's about giving my own self the gift of focusing on ME and my own healing and well-being. This is the first time I have ever given myself this gift...I deserve it...and so do you. We all deserve time to fill our own cups when they've run dry, it's a necessity.

Congratulations on taking such a huge step. It's a painful and difficult step to take, but so worth it. I'm just shy of 6 months NC, I have received an immense amount of clarity these last 6 months and I've made huge strides in my healing journey. My nervous system desperately NEEDED this break from the constant chaos. I'm absolutely still grieving, but I can survive grief, it's a part of life. I've also come to realize that grief is MUCH easier to live with than the constant crazy making.

Now that I've surrendered my false belief that my sick parents are my responsibility, I trust myself again and I love myself again...I wish the same for you! Sending you lots of support in your journey 

[Goldcrest]

Im1109

It's a painful and difficult step to take, but so worth it. I'm just shy of 6 months NC, I have received an immense amount of clarity these last 6 months and I've made huge strides in my healing journey. My nervous system desperately NEEDED this break from the constant chaos. I'm absolutely still grieving, but I can survive grief, it's a part of life. I've also come to realize that grief is MUCH easier to live with than the constant crazy making.

It was helpful to read the above. I'm surprised daily at how much less reactive I am to the people around me and the volume on ruminating has been turned right down. I can snap out of any difficult thought loops if I need to.

[Goldcrest]

Oh gosh, I could have written this. Hugs to you. I understand.

Hugs to you too Notwendy.

[Notwendy]

Thanks- I am sorry you went through that too, but knowing it wasn't just me ( or just you) and a part of the dynamics helps to not take it as personally but I know it was a hard thing to deal with.

[WalkbyFaith]

I've also come to realize that grief is MUCH easier to live with than the constant crazy making...  I trust myself again and I love myself again.

Gosh, that's so true. The grief is heartbreaking but at least I can be free from questioning my own sanity! I am hoping to eventually reach the stage of trusting and loving myself again. I didn't realize until recently, how much of that I have lost. My T asked me a few weeks ago "what's the thing you like most about yourself?" and I couldn't come up with an answer. That was really profound for me. I realize my crazy FOO and all their accusations against me have really taken more root than I thought.