Question/Poll: Longest and Shortest Recycle

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi, I'm not sure why but I'm curious here what everyone's longest and shortest recycle is. I am thankfully not feeling tempted to recycle right now, but I know there's always a risk and currently being subjected to very odd recycle attempts.

So, what's everyone's longest and shortest recycle?

I've found reading other's stories of recycles help me to resist.

Thanks everyone

[WhatToDo47]

Hi, I'm not sure why but I'm curious here what everyone's longest and shortest recycle is. I am thankfully not feeling tempted to recycle right now, but I know there's always a risk and currently being subjected to very odd recycle attempts.

So, what's everyone's longest and shortest recycle?

I've found reading other's stories of recycles help me to resist.

Thanks everyone

[NotAHero]

Hi, I'm not sure why but I'm curious here what everyone's longest and shortest recycle is. I am thankfully not feeling tempted to recycle right now, but I know there's always a risk and currently being subjected to very odd recycle attempts.

So, what's everyone's longest and shortest recycle?

I've found reading other's stories of recycles help me to resist.

Thanks everyone

 In my case the recycles lasted several months at first. Then days at a time. They got shorter and shorter. Every recycle was worse than the one before with more boundaries crossed. The last recycle was having sex for one day.

[drumdog4M]

My experience is consistent with NotAHero's. The recycles seemed to have ranged frommaybe 4 months to the last recycle, which was two consecutive nights of sex. As mind blowing as that sex was, it set me back a lot because I thought I was actually being recycled but for her it was "stolen time" and she'd already moved onto my replacement. It would have been decent if she'd have warned me beforehand. Instead, my penis and heart left my head behind me. Oh well. That precipitated among the most emotional abusive experiences I had with her. No sex is worth the heartache and psychological damage it cost me.

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks guys, this is exactly the type of info that I was looking for and it's very helpful. Sucks that you both had to go through that and I wish and pray better times ahead for both of you. I guess for us they matter and the relationships mattered, so each recycle we really want it to work, but for them it's just a self centered temporary way to fill their needs until their shame builds too much.

Looking back on our marriage, there were numerous times when she said we have to break up, etc but never followed through as I would beg her back and after much circular nonsensical "saving" she would recant and thank me for not giving up on her. Do you think these count as recycles?

It's very interesting how the cycles become shorter. I saw this too in regards to her non romantic relationships, jobs, etc. Any idea why this is? Maybe each time they have more shame/think we know too much and are going to leave and/or they are developing real intimacy because we took them back instead of abandoning them and it scares them because they think an even greater abandonment is coming?

[NotAHero]

Thanks guys, this is exactly the type of info that I was looking for and it's very helpful. Sucks that you both had to go through that and I wish and pray better times ahead for both of you. I guess for us they matter and the relationships mattered, so each recycle we really want it to work, but for them it's just a self centered temporary way to fill their needs until their shame builds too much.

Looking back on our marriage, there were numerous times when she said we have to break up, etc but never followed through as I would beg her back and after much circular nonsensical "saving" she would recant and thank me for not giving up on her. Do you think these count as recycles?

It's very interesting how the cycles become shorter. I saw this too in regards to her non romantic relationships, jobs, etc. Any idea why this is? Maybe each time they have more shame/think we know too much and are going to leave and/or they are developing real intimacy because we took them back instead of abandoning them and it scares them because they think an even greater abandonment is coming?

 I would say yes  the “leaving act” is part of the recycling and it does gain intensity with time until the final discard.

 In addition to what you mentioned, I think the cycles get shorter because their “fears”  have been reinforced by their own imaginary reality. Every time they come back then sabotage the recycle they tend to believe more in the “evil personality” of their partner. That’s why not only the recycles are shorter but also worse.  

[SinisterComplex]

My experience is consistent with NotAHero's. The recycles seemed to have ranged frommaybe 4 months to the last recycle, which was two consecutive nights of sex. As mind blowing as that sex was, it set me back a lot because I thought I was actually being recycled but for her it was "stolen time" and she'd already moved onto my replacement. It would have been decent if she'd have warned me beforehand. Instead, my penis and heart left my head behind me. Oh well. That precipitated among the most emotional abusive experiences I had with her. No sex is worth the heartache and psychological damage it cost me.

DD...something I have helped some of my more timid friends with and my nephews with...never ever put P***Y on a pedestal and never ever let your D do the thinking for you because it never leads to a good ending in the long run. I mean really...there are times where you really have to ask yourself was the benefit really worth the cost?

For women...I preach the same thing though...no man is a god and no man's D is magical and will make you feel fulfilled. Only the person and who they are can do that. Sure we all come in different shapes and sizes, but we are all human and have the same equipment when you strip away all the BS  .

Someone's sex is only good until someone better comes along. There is always someone better. It's just better to remove the ego and be humble and see people for who they are. When you place an emphasis on the wrong things you will find yourself stuck in destructive behavioral patters and a giant circle of clusterF's 

Also, thinking that she would have warned you beforehand...sorry my friend that is living in a fantasy world and wishful thinking. In regards to S  partners how many women and how many men have probably thought and said the same thing as you the world over? That is why it is better to train your mind for the WHAT IS and not for the WHAT COULD BE.

You will have to find your own strategy but something I do for myself is keep the thought in my head that no matter how much perfume you spray on a turd, underneath it is still a piece of S  . - As goofy as that sounds that phrase helps keep me on point and in reality and to accept the WHAT IS.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[drumdog4M]

Thanks SC. Those are important words of wisdom.

[WhatToDo47]

Notahero - Those are some great points and I agree with all of those points. Her leaving acts started with not answering the phone, leaving for the day, etc. Once she even packed all her bags, said she was leaving me, I frantically drove home from work, got a 3 way call with her therapist because I was afraid this would end in another suicide attempt. Once I got home she had packed 2 suitcases, one for her and one for me and she said "what's the big deal, I packed for you, too." Then we unpacked them, got ice cream, and she slept the rest of the day. What a mess our marriage was when I really think about it objectively. I think we only get one chance to be their main idealized partner, for all the recycles we are plan B, C, D, or Z, like an old obsolete toy that they take out and quickly put back because it's not as fancy as whatever their new model is. No empathy or compassion.

Drumdog - That is some excellent advice, my friend. Especially the part about the turd haha I'm going to be remembering that when I feel weak/tempted to recycle. One thing I think about often is that for all the hundreds of thousands of dollars she probably cost me, I'm sure I could afford a prostitute much hotter than her. Not that I would EVER do that (hire a prostitute), but it sobers me up fast to the fact that at this point to recycle would basically be to hire an emotionally, verbally, financially, and maybe physically, abusive prostitute. That goes against my morals and makes me want to run screaming.

[drumdog4M]

SC gets the credit for that great advice. I'm the one who put the "p@#$% one the pedestal." But I'm learning.

[NotAHero]

Notahero - Those are some great points and I agree with all of those points. Her leaving acts started with not answering the phone, leaving for the day, etc. Once she even packed all her bags, said she was leaving me, I frantically drove home from work, got a 3 way call with her therapist because I was afraid this would end in another suicide attempt. Once I got home she had packed 2 suitcases, one for her and one for me and she said "what's the big deal, I packed for you, too." Then we unpacked them, got ice cream, and she slept the rest of the day. What a mess our marriage was when I really think about it objectively. I think we only get one chance to be their main idealized partner, for all the recycles we are plan B, C, D, or Z, like an old obsolete toy that they take out and quickly put back because it's not as fancy as whatever their new model is. No empathy or compassion.

Drumdog - That is some excellent advice, my friend. Especially the part about the turd haha I'm going to be remembering that when I feel weak/tempted to recycle. One thing I think about often is that for all the hundreds of thousands of dollars she probably cost me, I'm sure I could afford a prostitute much hotter than her. Not that I would EVER do that (hire a prostitute), but it sobers me up fast to the fact that at this point to recycle would basically be to hire an emotionally, verbally, financially, and maybe physically, abusive prostitute. That goes against my morals and makes me want to run screaming.

 Notice the part when you rushed home she had a bag for you. That doesn’t make any sense because she had said she was leaving you. The shame caught up quick but instead of apologizing she gas lighted and said she packed for you too. The whole thing was probably a love test. If you failed the test ( by not driving home )  she would of left then recycled you later. But because you passed the test the next ones went bolder until the final discard. Now it wouldn’t surprise me if you stay no contact that she will eventually try to recycle you.

  Stunted child like behavior. Isn’t it amazing that we put up with that?  Worst yet we fall for the pathetic recycles ?

[SinisterComplex]

Notahero - Those are some great points and I agree with all of those points. Her leaving acts started with not answering the phone, leaving for the day, etc. Once she even packed all her bags, said she was leaving me, I frantically drove home from work, got a 3 way call with her therapist because I was afraid this would end in another suicide attempt. Once I got home she had packed 2 suitcases, one for her and one for me and she said "what's the big deal, I packed for you, too." Then we unpacked them, got ice cream, and she slept the rest of the day. What a mess our marriage was when I really think about it objectively. I think we only get one chance to be their main idealized partner, for all the recycles we are plan B, C, D, or Z, like an old obsolete toy that they take out and quickly put back because it's not as fancy as whatever their new model is. No empathy or compassion.

Drumdog - That is some excellent advice, my friend. Especially the part about the turd haha I'm going to be remembering that when I feel weak/tempted to recycle. One thing I think about often is that for all the hundreds of thousands of dollars she probably cost me, I'm sure I could afford a prostitute much hotter than her. Not that I would EVER do that (hire a prostitute), but it sobers me up fast to the fact that at this point to recycle would basically be to hire an emotionally, verbally, financially, and maybe physically, abusive prostitute. That goes against my morals and makes me want to run screaming.

WhatToDo...in the words of Cringe worthy Charlie AKA Charlie Sheen..."I don't pay them for sex. I pay them to leave."

Honestly, if you do pay for sex...so what...as long as it is legal and you wrap your tool...more power to you. Many people will have a different view I am just open minded because sex work has been around long before censorship, laws, etc. It all depends on how you view it. If you view it as just paying for sex then sure it sounds dirty. However, if you shift your perception to that you are paying for an experience its different. Even the sex worker you would be paying would definitely rather be respected and viewed as an experience as opposed to just a physical object that is bought and paid for. Know what I mean? So wouldn't be paying the sex worker for sex, but for an experience and to leave. Clean, no strings attached.

You are not going to RECYCLE. Say it with me now...YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RECYCLE. Now if you do...in the words of Dave Chappelle as Rick James...What did the Five Fingers Say to the Face? SLAP! LOL. Also...check your pm for another good reminder as to what to do yourself if you recycle.

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

 

[WhatToDo47]

WhatToDo...in the words of Cringe worthy Charlie AKA Charlie Sheen..."I don't pay them for sex. I pay them to leave."

Honestly, if you do pay for sex...so what...as long as it is legal and you wrap your tool...more power to you. Many people will have a different view I am just open minded because sex work has been around long before censorship, laws, etc. It all depends on how you view it. If you view it as just paying for sex then sure it sounds dirty. However, if you shift your perception to that you are paying for an experience its different. Even the sex worker you would be paying would definitely rather be respected and viewed as an experience as opposed to just a physical object that is bought and paid for. Know what I mean? So wouldn't be paying the sex worker for sex, but for an experience and to leave. Clean, no strings attached.

You are not going to RECYCLE. Say it with me now...YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RECYCLE. Now if you do...in the words of Dave Chappelle as Rick James...What did the Five Fingers Say to the Face? SLAP! LOL. Also...check your pm for another good reminder as to what to do yourself if you recycle.

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

 

haha thank you for the message and I am not going to recycle! I definitely do see your perspective. For myself, I view it a different way and have religious beliefs that contradict, but your logic makes sense for sure and I'm not here to judge anyone, least of all everyone here where we all have been through so much.

Thanks for your support. I am not going to recycle!

[WhatToDo47]

Notice the part when you rushed home she had a bag for you. That doesn’t make any sense because she had said she was leaving you. The shame caught up quick but instead of apologizing she gas lighted and said she packed for you too. The whole thing was probably a love test. If you failed the test ( by not driving home )  she would of left then recycled you later. But because you passed the test the next ones went bolder until the final discard. Now it wouldn’t surprise me if you stay no contact that she will eventually try to recycle you.

  Stunted child like behavior. Isn’t it amazing that we put up with that?  Worst yet we fall for the pathetic recycles ?

It is truly amazing that we put up with this. I never viewed the incident with that lens, but you are 100% right. Honestly that just brought me so much clarity and blew my mind. Thank you for that, truly.

I think you are right about what really happened that day and the love tests. Some of the first love tests/recycles that I remember are her calling me right as I was about to go into a dinner event that she wasn't invited to and saying she was scared of her ex showing up wherever she was (I don't even remember where she was), that her parents were yelling at her, etc, and I had to talk her through it. I missed most of the dinner. It sucked.

Another time in our early dating I took her to a movie and on the way back she freaked out and said I had to stop the car right there and she would walk the rest of the way home and we were through. It took crying and begging her not to, for a long time, in order to get her to recant. At that point, we were already talking about getting married and had had a great night until that. I just couldn't make sense of it.

Then she showed up at my work one day and when I came outside she said we had to break up. Didn't give me any straight reason that made sense. It took hours to talk her out of it, by that time I had missed many hours of my shift, it's a miracle I didn't get fired. I was working a retail type job so they definitely noticed that I took a multi hour lunch.

Another time I was at work and she called and said she "did something bad' - which she finally clarified as hitting/kicking our dog who was a puppy at the time. When I got home she was curled up in the closet all night saying she was going to kill herself and if I stopped her she'd leave me in the morning. I stayed up all night texting the suicide hotline just praying she was okay, and periodically preventing her from going into the kitchen to get knives to cut herself. When she woke up in the morning, she claimed she didn't remember anything from the night before. After that she started therapy.

I have dozens of stories like this spanning the whole marriage. There was so much constant chaos I never even stopped to think how messed up all this is. Wow.

After each of these breakdowns she would be SO thankful that I didn't abandon her and say she's crazy and that if I just don't leave her she'd never leave and that she wanted to work on herself and not be like this anymore. She'd be so pathetic and convincing that I would fall for it every time, until I learned about BPD and found this site and got a therapist myself.

Sorry for the essay haha

Notahero you've given me a whole new lens that I'm going to go back and really objectively view all of these breakdowns through. Thank you.

[WhatToDo47]

I really hope she doesn’t try to recycle me in the future. I do think her leaving, filing for divorce, etc was a love test for before we had kids and bought a house, both of which we were planning to do this year.

Despite leaving, blocking me, false DV claims, etc, she has recently said things like “I thought you’d chase me, I’m hurt” “I feel so alone” “are you seeing anyone?” She even told me a whole story about how her mom left her dad for 6 months when they were pregnant with her older sister and he “learned his lesson, took her back, and now buys her whatever she wants even if there’s no money.” Seriously. This is such messed up emotional abuse.

I’m finally throwing in the towel. This love test nonsense is a game I don’t want to win or even play anymore. I would never treat anyone the way she treated me, and I’m sure it’s the same for everyone here.

[WhatToDo47]

Actually I just realized too that one of her lines since she left is “I want to fix our marriage and relationship and the first step is we have to get divorced and then maybe in 5 years or so I will change my mind and we can start over new.” And she keeps giving me her work phone number in case I want to chat and telling me why don’t I call her more, why did my family “excommunicate” her, etc.

Do you think this was the same as “packing my bag too,” just more convoluted because this test is far crazier and deep down she knows it.

[NotAHero]

Actually I just realized too that one of her lines since she left is “I want to fix our marriage and relationship and the first step is we have to get divorced and then maybe in 5 years or so I will change my mind and we can start over new.” And she keeps giving me her work phone number in case I want to chat and telling me why don’t I call her more, why did my family “excommunicate” her, etc.

Do you think this was the same as “packing my bag too,” just more convoluted because this test is far crazier and deep down she knows it.

 I think that once they make the jump to someone else it’s not longer a love test. When the new replacement is underwhelming they will try to recycle or at least break boundaries with the last host. Recycling gets shorter then turns into just breaking boundaries not true recycling ( example : sex offers).

 

[WhatToDo47]

I think that once they make the jump to someone else it’s not longer a love test. When the new replacement is underwhelming they will try to recycle or at least break boundaries with the last host. Recycling gets shorter then turns into just breaking boundaries not true recycling ( example : sex offers).

 

I think I get where you're coming from. Basically, once we've failed a big enough love test (like I have now), they no longer fully trust us and they just recycle as a means to fill a temporary need (loneliness, sex, etc), but some other poor victim is now the one getting love tested?

[NotAHero]

I think I get where you're coming from. Basically, once we've failed a big enough love test (like I have now), they no longer fully trust us and they just recycle as a means to fill a temporary need (loneliness, sex, etc), but some other poor victim is now the one getting love tested?

 The new host is being mirrored and idealized first no love tests.  The BPD will either get dumped once the love tests start or worse yet get abused if they go for the predator type. Either way they will not be happy and in between hosts they will continue to recycle us.

 We are wiser now though and with support and determination we will remain free. Hang in there and stay away. You are free now!

[WhatToDo47]

 The new host is being mirrored and idealized first no love tests.  The BPD will either get dumped once the love tests start or worse yet get abused if they go for the predator type. Either way they will not be happy and in between hosts they will continue to recycle us.

 We are wiser now though and with support and determination we will remain free. Hang in there and stay away. You are free now!

I think this is 100% spot on. Thank you for this clarity and the encouragement. When I start to miss her and read things like this and remember how it really was, not just my overly rosy memory of it, I don't miss the reality of it at all.

My body has developed an almost visceral reaction to this stuff. Just thinking of the mirroring, idealizing and love tests we all went through makes me want to run screaming haha

We are all wiser and we can all remain free! It takes two to recycle and I'm done.

Thanks for the clarity and encouragement and I wish everyone a free and happy night and weekend