Family Scapegoat Black Balled by the Family and Newfound Happiness

[zachira]

I have been one of many family scapegoats my whole life. There are at least six generations of family scapegoats on one side of the family, and at least one on the other side. I just figured out through Facebook that one of my closest cousins passed away a couple of days ago. Nobody notified me, though the rest of the family apparently was notified. My cousin was genuinely kind to me and I have been in contact with him regularly since he has been ill. His wife is a narcissist, who abused him. His wife was pretty unhappy about my decision to stand up to my NPD sister. She is also likely aware that I did not go along with the abuse of her husband which could have killed him and likely led to affecting his health and his dying earlier. I was also not contacted by the family when an aunt I was close to died. The family does contact my NPD sister and in the past she was supposed to notify me. She and I are no direct contact and everybody knows that. I do think that my standing up for myself and refusing to accept any more abuse on the part of certain family members, is so threatening to all those who support the family facade. I have a feeling I will not be invited to the funeral. I had a real aha moment last year when I was at a family party, and a relative abused me all evening with nobody standing up for me, because a friend of his had come to a party of his singing my praises when I helped her, a complete stranger, when she had a serious accident on a country road. Another evening at a family party, I said out of concern that my (BPD) brother has no friends, and a family member came out of a nearby bedroom, started yelling at me, and nobody said anything. I was later told I was in the wrong because I was criticizing a family member. The bottom line in narcissistic families, is that anything that threatens the abusers, whether it is hearing something good about a scapegoat, or having  a scapegoat refuse to be one anymore, is terribly threatening as the dysfunctional family members are losing the person/people they need to dump their dysregulated emotions on. I told myself last night I have been feeling happier than I ever have in my whole life. The last few days, I have been getting a good night's sleep, getting up early in the morning , eating small amounts of food (no emotional overeating), and feeling happy and energetic all day long in contrast to my usual depressed on and off moods. I am noticing that the right people are liking me more than ever. I am feeling like I am no longer internalizing a lot of the dysfunctional family members feelings about themselves. I am going to contact some of my really nice distant cousins and ask them to let me know about important family events, like deaths and funerals in the family.

[Goldcrest]

Hey Zachira

The bottom line in narcissistic families, is that anything that threatens the abusers, whether it is hearing something good about a scapegoat, or having  a scapegoat refuse to be one anymore, is terribly threatening as the dysfunctional family members are losing the person/people they need to dump their dysregulated emotions on. I told myself last night I have been feeling happier than I ever have in my whole life. The last few days, I have been getting a good night's sleep, getting up early in the morning , eating small amounts of food (no emotional overeating), and feeling happy and energetic all day long in contrast to my usual depressed on and off moods.

Just wanted to validate the above. It has been my experience too. Their is something very solidifying in terms of your self belief (if that make sense) in walking away from abusive family. In holding your reality. The web of dysfunction travels across my family too, on my mother and fathers side (my cousin on my fathers side was a church minister and recently imprisoned for sexual abuse of children, spanning decades). When I realised the extent of my mothers lying about me I realised I could never maintain a relationship with some who would say literally anything to ensure her survival. Well done for your continued strength and thank you for sharing your journey here. You were one of the first posts I read when I arrived here and I took courage from it.

[zachira]

Goldcrest,
Thank you for your reply.
First of all, I want to apologize for hijacking one of your threads. I posted on your thread and then I got several responses written to me.
I really appreciate your validation. I believe we give too much of a pass to the flying monkeys who support the abusers. I really respect how you have walked away from your mother and her flying monkeys.
I often wonder why people fall for the smear campaigns. I have sometimes judged a person based on what I hear. The narrative is often a short one, sometimes one sentence, said with conviction. The abused on the other hand are often very emotional and comes across as the crazy ones. I think we live in a world in which few people really know each other, and in which we are out of touch with our bodies. It seems we often listen to what is said and do not pay attention to the non verbal language. In my experience, the genuinely nice people do not talk badly about others, and if they have a bad word to say about someone it usually comes across as feeling sad about how badly the other person behaves.
I am feeling sad and frustrated today. I found out from a distant relative who called me about the death of my cousin, that the family of the deceased were not even thinking of contacting me, and so this relative decided to do so. My deceased cousin is the only first cousin who was genuinely always kind to me. In addition to that, I am having some challenges today with an associate of my NPD sister who I have to do business with: Basically I have to interact with this person and it is clear she does not like me without really knowing me. I am guessing from the harsh tones she has treated me today and in the past, that she is also a narcissist like my sister.
This group is so supportive and I thank all who post and respond to others and me. I will soon get back to my new baseline of feeling comfortable in my own skin most of the time, while I continue to deal with the challenges of severing/limiting the ties with those who mistreat/abuse me. When someone dislikes me who has no connection to my family, I can own my part in it most of the time, if indeed there is a part, which sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't. Many members of my immediate and extended families seem to surround themselves with narcissists like themselves who live in a world of transactional relationships, putting people either on a pedestal or trashing them depending on what serves them at the time. I find so rewarding making connections with authentic kind people, and I am becoming more of that type of person, as I develop more compassion for myself and others.

[Methuen]

Zachira I am very sorry to hear of the loss of a cousin you were close to.  I offer my heartfelt condolences.  It is all the more painful when the dysfunctional family doesn't contact you about his passing, or even about funeral arrangements, and it appears that they purposely leave you out. 

My thoughts?  If you are not notified about any funeral arrangments, dedicate a "special" time and place when you can go to memorialize your cousin in the peaceful privacy of your own thoughts and memories of him, at a special place, and without the distraction and background noise of a very dysfunctional family going out of their way to further scapegoat you.  I think that personal dedication and memorial could be a beautiful thing, and I am certain he would appreciate your caring and remembering him.  It's just a thought (if your family doesn't come through).  I think it's a great idea to contact your distant cousins whom you trust, and ask them to keep you in the loop.  Don't be surprised though if word gets out to the others that you were asking.  I think we have to expect that in a dysfunctional family.  If it doesn't happen, it would be a BIG bonus.

I told myself last night I have been feeling happier than I ever have in my whole life. The last few days, I have been getting a good night's sleep, getting up early in the morning , eating small amounts of food (no emotional overeating), and feeling happy and energetic all day long in contrast to my usual depressed on and off moods. I am noticing that the right people are liking me more than ever. I am feeling like I am no longer internalizing a lot of the dysfunctional family members feelings about themselves.

This is amazing.  It sounds like "hope" to me, with a sprinkling of optimism.  Life has lots of normal ups and downs for people without the "extra" challenge of pwBPD in their life, or worse, entire dysfunctional family systems all around them.  But you have worked so hard to disentangle yourself from all that.  Hopefully it's like this is a window of light showing at the end of the tunnel.  Now that you have experienced good night's sleeps, waking up motivated to start the day, eating for physical need rather than emotional need, keeping the company of healthier friends and contacts (healthier than dysfunctional family members), and not internalizing the toxic feelings dumped on you, you know the possibilities and can find your way back to that lane of hope and optimism, even if the normal ups and downs of life put you in a different lane for a while.

So happy to hear you feeling better.  But also very sorry for the loss of your cousin, as it kind of brings back all the negative family dynamics, and temporarily takes you out of that better lane for a while.

If need be, you can find your own special way to cherish the memory of your cousin.  He will know you are there for him.    If his and your family wants to "be that way" you are better off memorializing him in your own way, at a place you love and at a time and in an environment that works for you. 

[zachira]

Methuen,
I like your suggestion about doing my own memorial for my cousin. I just sort of did one, though maybe it was going too far. Plans for the family memorial service and my cousin's obituary were sent to me via group email. The email mentions that my sister can't make the memorial service, while including the names of some of my other first cousins, who are all narcissists and like to bully me to feel better about themselves. I am not going to the memorial service as I have made up my mind to only spend time with the relatives who are kind and respectful. No more attending family gatherings in which I get abused and gaslighted with nobody standing up for me! I couldn't resist writing to the narcissitic daughter of my cousin who is well schooled in being a narcissist by her mother and is nothing like her dad, that while I am impressed by the list of achievements of her father in the draft of his obituary, I think his greatest accomplishments are the kind of person he was (which I described). ( I am probably going to pay a price for saying that, yet I feel good about it. I am so tired of all the obituaries and eulogies of family members with no mention of any of their personal characteristics. It is just brag, brag about their endless accomplishments. I often read the obituaries of people who were really fine people and well loved for how they treated others, and use these obituaries as guides to how I am going to lead my life for the time I have left on this Earth.)
Thank you Methuen for your thoughts. I know you have probably had a busy day at work. I am so glad for you that the boundaries with your mother are working, and you have such a wonderful husband who supports you and protects you from your mother's abuse as much as he can.

[Mommydoc]

Zachira, so sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin.  It sounds like it resurfaces and amplifies many dysfunctional family dynamics, which is draining. Congratulations on your decision to acknowledge your cousins kindness  and how he treated others and skipping the drama of the memorial. I love your positive perspective and commitment to spending your time and energy on kind and authentic friends and family.

It’s a lot, dealing with your sister’s associate, grieving for your cousin and and the amplified dynamics. You are handling it so well and with such a thoughtful perspective and awareness of what you need right now. Hugs and love.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry about the loss of your cousin. I agree with Methuen- don't subject yourself to the abuse by attending the funeral. You can honor your cousin in other more positive ways- do your own meditation/memorial, or whatever you feel is helpful to you.

I don't know why people fall in line with these abusive patterns but they are intergenerational. Group dynamics are what they are- but you have no obligation to subject yourself to their behavior. Glad for you that you are determining your own.

[lm1109]

The bottom line in narcissistic families, is that anything that threatens the abusers, whether it is hearing something good about a scapegoat, or having  a scapegoat refuse to be one anymore, is terribly threatening as the dysfunctional family members are losing the person/people they need to dump their dysregulated emotions on.

From one scapegoat to another...

This is so well put. For me, it took receiving a vile and abusive email from my Mom(after sticking up for myself) to actually truly recognize that I have been a scapegoat since I was born... literally...my mom used to tell me often that her, my dad, and brother would wish that they could give me back to the hospital when I was a baby because I had "the worst colic anyone has ever seen" She painted a picture to me that they were happy until I showed up.

My work now is untangling that scapegoated self and the projections of my sick fractured parents from my true authentic self.

I told myself last night I have been feeling happier than I ever have in my whole life. The last few days, I have been getting a good night's sleep, getting up early in the morning , eating small amounts of food (no emotional overeating), and feeling happy and energetic all day long in contrast to my usual depressed on and off moods. I am noticing that the right people are liking me more than ever. I am feeling like I am no longer internalizing a lot of the dysfunctional family members feelings about themselves.

I'm experiencing the exact SAME things! Funny how quickly we can heal when we refuse to be scapegoated and emotionally abused! 

[zachira]

Notwendy and Mommydoc,
I appreciate your support and kindness. I admire both of you for how you are dealing with your challenging family members.

[zachira]

Im1109,
It has also taken me nearly my whole life to realize that I was a family scapegoat. We are chosen to be the scapegoats for reasons beyond our control that have nothing to do with who we are and have nothing to do with our self worth. I am glad you are feeling better and untangling the feelings of your perpetrators that were really theirs and have nothing to do with you. It is amazing how when we get away from those who scapegoat us how much better we feel and the healing begins. I asked myself for years why people who did not know my family mostly treated me with kindness and respect while any time I was around people the family knew, I often felt this intense disapproval, yet nothing had happened to explain why I was so disliked.

[Goldcrest]

Zachira

First of all, I want to apologize for hijacking one of your threads. I posted on your thread and then I got several responses written to me.
I really appreciate your validation. I believe we give too much of a pass to the flying monkeys who support the abusers. I really respect how you have walked away from your mother and her flying monkeys.

I didn't notice you hijacking a thread, all responses to each other are helpful and I just really value the support and validation we all give each other. I wish we could all get together for a coffee each week!  

I asked myself for years why people who did not know my family mostly treated me with kindness and respect while any time I was around people the family knew, I often felt this intense disapproval, yet nothing had happened to explain why I was so disliked.

Big wake up call for me since my dad died and I was exposed to all the different flying monkeys that my mother has kept out of sight when dad was alive. I could sense the disappointment and distain towards me but it took me a few visits to work out that she had been painting me black. Getting ready for me to abandon her (in her mind) as she increased the abuse towards me. I think this actually saved me. I remember when I first came on here I was really bothered by what my mothers friends thought of me and I was trying to preserve my identity and thinking I somehow could...WOW. Now I see I have been the black sheep to them for years. The signs were there but I can't understand why I gaslit myself about it. Praps it was too painful for me to accept that my mother was painting me black. I knew she had been abusive to me and suspected she was saying stuff about me but there is knowing and accepting.

[Notwendy]

Goldcrest- how much my mother had been painting me black also became more apparent when my father passed away. It was shocking because these people were rational adults and there's always two sides to every story and yet, somehow, they only heard and believed hers.

She was angry at me at the time. I had naively stepped into the relationship drama as I was concerned about how she was treating my father. I didn't realize the extent of how far she would go in her anger, but she succeeded in her attempts to discard me from the family.

I grieved for my father and at the same time, tried to deal with the shock of also the loss of people I thought were my family too. Her family and family friends who had known me since I was a baby. And the idea that they actually believed the things she said about me was embarrassing. I have a glimpse of the content of what she said because she also called up my in laws and said things to them and they told me. ( they are on to her ) and it probably was less than the things she'd been telling her family.

I could have gone NC with her at the time but felt it wasn't the right thing to do considering the situation of her being elderly and a widow. It seemed cruel on my part and just not something I felt comfortable doing. However, since she had told her family and some friends to not speak to me, I basically was NC with them.

She later realized that she hadn't played her cards as well as she thought. I know she isn't interested in a relationship with me. However, my children were old enough to see what happened and have since kept an emotional distance from her. Since her family members have close relationships with their grandchildren, she wants this too. So she's made attempts to get me back into the fold and her family has made contact with me.

It's embarrassing to think that they believe these things but I realize that what they think is based on what she has told them, and has nothing to do with me. However, I do think that over time, they have seen some discrepancies between what she has said and seen some of her behavior. I think they might be questioning it. I still keep an emotional distance.

[zachira]

Goldcrest and Notwendy,
Being painted black by your own mother and her friends along with other family members is painful beyond what I can put into words and a lifelong sorrow. I think we fall into the trap of thinking we have to have actual proof of what is going on, and that how we are feeling inside is not enough proof. It can feel like we are being unreasonably paranoid that so many people dislike us without any real obvious reasons to do so, yet the fear and discomfort we feel around the flying monkeys are real. I have learned with healthy people, I genuinely feel good inside most of the time even when we have a disagreement, and with the narcissistic/borderline types, I am always walking on egg shells, and there is no real intimacy or deep connections. Dr. Ramani has a good youtube video on the friends of narcissists. I realize now that some people have no capacity for genuine loving relationships, and that the behaviors are reversed: Narcissistic/borderline types are nice to people they have superficial relationships with, and the more intimate a relationship becomes the more they abuse the other person.

[zachira]

Some further thoughts on being the family scapegoat since birth: I feel like I never stopped trying to find love and connection. When I was around four, I would have terrible nightmares, and crawl up the stairs from the cold basement where my bedroom was, and knock on the locked door to the upstairs until my mother came. She would complain about my neediness than allow me to sleep in her bed with her, though refuse to touch me, and let me know I was interferring with her sleep. It seems for most of my life I have reached out to people who could be loving and to others who were just like my mother and most of the rest of the family: cold people who value appearances, brains, and achievements, and are desperately afraid of intimacy, only capable of feigned empathy to manipulate others. I often ask myself why I kept trying. I have felt grateful my whole life for people who have been genuinely kind to me, showed me the way, especially when I was exhibiting some of the narcissistic behaviors of my disordered family members. I think part of it is that I am genetically inclined to want connection whereas many members of my family have Aspergers and narcissistic tendencies, and don't seem to be wired for intimate connections. I also believe that being one of the family scapegoats meant I never really enjoyed being in the family, and sought connections elsewhere, whereas the golden children and their flying monkeys had their narcissism constantly rewarded to the point, that they developed NPD and have no capacity to ever benefit from any kind of therapy. What were your experiences?

[Methuen]

I realize now that some people have no capacity for genuine loving relationships, and that the behaviors are reversed: Narcissistic/borderline types are nice to people they have superficial relationships with, and the more intimate a relationship becomes the more they abuse the other person.

I have observed this with my own mother for over a year now.  It took me forever to develop this awareness.  This is the first time I think, that I have seen it put into print so succinctly. Interesting that there's also a video on it. I almost can't believe it's a real "thing" - it's just so crazy counter-intuitive.  Thanks 

[Riv3rW0lf]

I often wonder why I keep trying too.

It seems, everytime I start trusting someone, there is a switch. Recently it was my mother in law. Things were starting to go well, but my husband told me yesterday to assume she talks behind my back and act accordingly. I am starting to realize that his own family is most probably dysfunctional, and he was his family scapegoat, even though he seems unaware of it somehow...

I wasn't a scapegoat, but I wasn't a golden child. For me, those concepts don't really apply. I was just there. She didn't care, not really anyway. Like I didn't exist, unless she needed me to feel her void. Maybe I was her golden child, I don't know... But it sure didn't feel like a gold position if I was... I don't like the term golden child. No matter if we are scapegoat or golden child: we are just as lonely, and our true self remains cruelly invalidated.

I agree with you Zachira that maybe we keep trying because it is our nature. I have always been hopeful. I would think of a better future, of "when I will be older, things will be different, I will be better". Just hope. And indeed, things are much better today... But you are right that the start of our life was so deprived of love, of care... I wonder if we can truly heal from that, or if I just have to accept that the profound loneliness and pain I feel inside is there to stay, just another part of me that is there to stay.

[zachira]

Methuen,
It helped me to realize that my dysfunctional family members and their flying monkeys are terrified of intimacy and being found out. They all wear different masks, are constantly changing who they are in the moment, depending on who they are trying to impress or who they are dumping their uncomfortable feelings on. It must be hell. When I am feeling sorry for myself and getting into victim mode, it helps me to look at family photos of my abusers. There is no such thing as a genuine smile, just the attempts to look happy. My heart breaks to know that my dysfunctional family members will never know what it feels like to love another person, to have compassion for self and others. I do love my whole family; they just can't love me back, and it all so very sad. You have been so kind to your mother, and there are so many mothers who would be so proud and happy to have a daughter like you.

[lm1109]

There is no such thing as a genuine smile, just the attempts to look happy.

Wow...when I read this I had a memory flash. We had one small photo album as a child. Of course the 80s & 90s were different (no cellphone cameras, etc) but there are only a handful of photos of my brother and I as babies or children. When I was young I'd look through this album often, and I would always stop and stare at the photos of my mom...they were soo...off! Her expression in every single photo was always the same: cold and expressionless eyes and only one half of her mouth would come up into a "smile" It literally looked as if it pained her to smile. Even as a very young child I knew there was something to that..even as I was being gaslit to believe that there was nothing wrong with her and the problems were my brother and I.

Thinking back...the only REAL smiles I remember from my mom stemmed from making fun of people. Her and my dad bonded over making fun of everyone (including their own children). My dad would do expressions of people and my mom would cackle like a witch(I'm not even being funny here...her laugh is like an actual witch cackle)

Anyways...no real point here other then sharing the memory.

It seems, everytime I start trusting someone, there is a switch.

I have been feeling this as well. Recently, even the holistic wellness center I was going to for counseling abruptly shut down. I spoke to another woman who had worked there and I was told that the woman I had been seeing(the owner) was swindling money, owes money to all the workers, and will most likely face legal repercussions.

I felt heartbroken because I was making a lot of progress and had been more open and vulnerable with her then I had with any other counselor in my life.

I spiralled a bit and felt like I must have an inability to decipher who is trustworthy or not. But after a few weeks of processing I came to realize that no one is black and white and actually we are ALL struggling in some way or another. The fact that this woman very clearly has her own struggles with money and owning a business does not negate the fact that she was actually a qualified and good counselor to me...it's just time to move on. For me, I think the lesson is in the realization that I need to trust my own self...I have everything within myself to heal. I don't need other people to see me or guide me when I'm seeing myself. I also needed to recognize that we are all damaged and so...people will disappoint.

All this to say...your Mother In Laws criticisms are just her own unhealed wounds. The fact that she may talk behind your back is her own wounds...we all have them...they just manifest differently for us all. I feel a lot less hurt by the "switch" when I keep this in mind. When people show me who they are...I act accordingly...but no longer feel the need to take it personally. I understand the hurt and frustration!

Sending you all lots of support 

[Riv3rW0lf]

lm1109,

You are right that viewing others as just as traumatized as we are does help decrease the hurt resulting from their actions. And recognizing their trauma, their hurt, does not mean I have to accept it, in the sense where we have power over ourselves, and we can act accordingly.

It is really intense, what you learned about your counselor! I want to recognize your capacity to understand her fraudulent actions does not mean she couldn't be a good counselor to you. One does not negate the other, so congratulations for not letting it disrupt your trust in counseling.

We do have answers inside us, but it feels like real connection should exist. But then, I myself am not always in the "connecting" mood, and I certainly hurt my fair share of friends. Not because I wanted to, but just because I am human, and I carry bagage, like everyone else.

I guess we are all lonely and not, at the same time. Together in our loneliness, maybe ! Reaching out once in while, hoping for recognition, for validation, for connection...

People can be mean, but are rarely evil.

And a lot of it is on me : I am finally recognizing I am a people pleaser, and I just don't want to be a people pleaser anymore. A lot of me oversharing, opening up quickly, has to do with my tendancy to please others, to make them feel good about themselves. And I don't think it is warranted anymore, because a lot of what I give does not come back when I am down, it's just out. And I expose myself everytime, and I feel ashamed when my opening up is not recognized... And this is all on me, and nobody else's fault, really... I have to learn to just be there for myself (and my children), as egoist as I might start to appear to others. But people have to take care of themselves too, right? And I don't have to be there for everyone... Not everyone deserves it.

This will be hard to change, but I reckon it is for the best. I am tired of wondering so much about what OTHERS are thinking. What about me? What do I think? This is what I need to focus on... I guess I am connecting to my low sense of self too, writing all this.

I don't have to like my mother... Well I don't have to like everyone either, just as not everyone like me, often despite my best efforts. Goodness I hate feeling when someone is rejecting me. But it is their right to do so, just as I can also choose to reject some people... Just starting to internalize that.

[zachira]

Riv3rW0lf,
It sounds like you are trying to figure out who you are really interacting with and how to interact safely with others. You are far from alone in this. Human beings are wired to live in communities of around 40 people in which everyone knows everybody else pretty well. In today's world, in which there are few hunter and gatherer communities left, a person meets an average of 10, 000 people in her/his lifetime. We are especially challenged by figuring out human relations when we grow up in families in which expressing uncomfortable feelings is shameful, and we never know what mask certain family members are wearing in the moment. You talk about not being sure what your role in the family was; scapegoat and golden child don't seem to fit. This can happen when we grow up in a family environment in which we are treated badly at times and then treated nicely in other moments, without there being any real obvious reasons for the polarizing behaviors. As children we conclude there is something wrong with us. As adults we can learn how to be present with our own feelings, especially at times when we are being blamed for how badly another person is feeling. The pain and sorrow of being abused by the family that was supposed to love us, is a lifelong sorrow, yet it can be overcome as we face the pain which can be overwhelming and paralizing at times. With time and hard work in facing all the losses and learning to see people for who they are earlier in the relationship, you will be less triggered by the losses you have incurred by growing up in a family that hurt you, though there will always be times when you are triggered by the lifelong losses.You are very courageous in looking at where you are today and figuring out how to go forward.

[zachira]

Today I received a copy of a letter written about my cousin by a person who really appreciated him for the kind generous person that he was. It is such a contrast to the obituary his NPD daughter wrote which is really all about her narcissism and need to convince herself that she was brought up by a father who was a genius (He wasn't); she is constantly bragging about her own brilliance. I often wonder how my cousin was calm, kind, generous, and so tranquil most of the time even thoughis NPD wife constantly abused him. A friend of mine suggesed that going to the nursing home, was probably a relief for him. He certainly seemed happy there in the pictures I saw of him. Is it possible some people have the temperment to live with an abuser and not let it bother them that much? My cousin was neglected as a child. He seemed to know how to make the best of things, and to be a true optimist. I have known a few people who were born with an easy going temperment and seem to get back to being at peace pretty quickly when something upsetting has happened. I come from a family in which depression is a very common disorder, and I have to work hard not to be overtaken by depressed moods, though I am doing so much better after I decided to go low contact with the family members who abuse me. At times, I wish I could be more like my cousin, though I would never want a marriage like his. My cousin was loved by all. I have always been the type of person that hates abuse, and I find it hard to stomach how abusive some of my family members are. My feelings are written all over my face, so it is not hard for family members to see that I disapprove of how they mistreat others and me.  

[Riv3rW0lf]

It sounds like you are trying to figure out who you are really interacting with and how to interact safely with others.

Exactly. I often feel like I have no idea how to safely interact with others.  Instinct and nature act for me, and I find myself being some way with people, while my brain is completely flabbergasted and panicking. Then I am anxious for many hours, thinking about what I said, because I don't feel in control of myself and of how I act. There is a disconnect. And people just don't feel safe to me.

I understand your feelings toward your cousin. My stepfather seems this way to me. He still laughs and act like everything is fine.. like he can overcome the abuse without building resentment... But his body tells a different story. He is in very poor shape, and declining more and more every year... I do believe this is all related to the emotional stress he is constantly under with my mother. Was your cousin physically healthy?

It would be nice not to worry as much about abuse, and all the bait/switch, the attacks, to be able to just let them wash over us without ruminating or feeling hurt... But then, if we were all like that, it would be too easy for the abusers too! Someone has to stand up once in a while, for all those who can't... Be an example of something else.. of courage, like you said, to look within and drive forward to a better future. If our nature is to recognize abuse and point it out, despite the fear, the hurt, then surely it has a biological purpose too.

I often think of myself as some kind of loner, outside the human pyramid, looking in, and trying to understand how to get in without being abused? Living in a capitalist world though... Like you hinted : our society is traumatizing in itself. It goes against nature, it doesn't feel right, and it is hard to listen to our instinct without being stigmatized and suffer even more judgments. And finding the ones who get it, in ten thousands people... I guess we are bound to feel disconnected a lot of the time...

[zachira]

Riv3rW0lf,
Your post really resonated with me in so many ways. Thank you.
You are absolutely right about the physical decline. My cousin's wife forced him to exercise, taking him on long hikes with the collaboration of some of the other family abusers. On one particular occasion in the middle of the winter, my cousin's NPD wife, my NPD sister and my BIL with strong NPD characteristics, took my cousin hiking on an icy mountain when he had dementia and problems walking unassisted. My BIL complained that my cousin had endangered everybody and they were not going hiking with him anymore. This story is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the 6 generations of abuse in my family. I struggle too in learning how to have healthy relationships with others. I also think that as survivors of abuse, we cannot help having empathy for the abused, and feel we have to stand up for the abused. Most people would rather look the other way when there is abuse, because of the consequences of standing up to the abusers and the often strong resistance from the abused to stand up for themselves. It is a lonely journey to be proactive about abuse yet I could not live with myself if I just looked the other way. I am a work in progress learning how to be effective in standing up to abusers. I am finding that I have to be more discreet because by being open about it, I become a target of the smear campaigns of the abusers and their flying monkeys.

[lm1109]

We are especially challenged by figuring out human relations when we grow up in families in which expressing uncomfortable feelings is shameful.

As children we conclude there is something wrong with us.

I often think of myself as some kind of loner, outside the human pyramid, looking in, and trying to understand how to get in without being abused? Living in a capitalist world though... Like you hinted : our society is traumatizing in itself.

So much resonates here! I think that growing up in a home where I didn't fit in really set me up to feel this way. Up until recently, I believed the lies that I was a "problem" or that I was inherently wrong somehow! I learned to not take up space and honestly tried to mostly go unnoticed unless I was spoken to. I believed that people wouldn't like me.

I was judged SO much and SO harshly and so I believed that others would judge me that way if I went beyond "surface" relationships. It's hard to find socializing enjoyable when you feel this way! I ended up REALLY clinging to being an introvert. I'm happy at home with my kids, dog, husband, chickens, and little pond with my ducks swimming around(I probably "should" list my husband before the dog )

And I do REALLY LOVE to read and be alone and quiet. One of the things that I loved most about my husband when we first met(15 years ago!) was that we could have the deepest conversations but we could also comfortably sit in quiet together... and they were equally fulfilling! But I'm really just now learning at this stage in my life how to interact authentically with people outside of my small inner circle. I am just now really recognizing the need for true connection to keep growing and evolving...but how do you balance being authentic and real with a society of people who mostly only want to talk about the weather and sports? I've never figured that one out!   

[Riv3rW0lf]

...but how do you balance being authentic and real with a society of people who mostly only want to talk about the weather and sports? I've never figured that one out!   

Me neither. Not without feeling ashamed and panicking for hours after it anyway ...  :/ But then... That's why we are here ! Work in progress...

[WalkbyFaith]

This has been a fascinating thread to read and so much resonates.
I'm curious if anyone else is a number 4 on the Enneagram? I am!
One of the defining characteristics of a Four is the feeling of always being an outsider, not quite belonging, feeling that everyone else has some "something" that we don't have. I've begun to wonder if the way I was raised, the way I was treated by family members, played a part in developing that mindset, ie, developing me into an Enneagram 4.

[Riv3rW0lf]

This has been a fascinating thread to read and so much resonates.
I'm curious if anyone else is a number 4 on the Enneagram? I am!
One of the defining characteristics of a Four is the feeling of always being an outsider, not quite belonging, feeling that everyone else has some "something" that we don't have. I've begun to wonder if the way I was raised, the way I was treated by family members, played a part in developing that mindset, ie, developing me into an Enneagram 4.

I was curious and looked it up. I'm a type 1, which fits very well with my 16personalities result too : the architect.

[zachira]

The latest:The NPD daughter excluded me from being notified about my cousin's death and another relative went out of their way to make sure I knew. The NPD wife invited me to the funeral. I decided I would try to do what I have seen done before when relatives could not attend a funeral, so I called the wife and asked her if she would like me to donate some really nice flowers for the service. The wife seemed to really like the idea, though I made it clear, I would not be offended if she did not want me to do that. We agreed that she would go to a local florist, pick out the flowers, and I would pay the florist by credit card. Now I have heard from the wife, and she has suddenly decided to buy some plants for her lawn in remembrance of her husband, and will let me know how much it costs (with no mention of what we agreed upon). I am pretty sure the NPD daughter is planning the service, and she does not want anything there that would allow for my presence. Oh well!  

[Riv3rW0lf]

And just like that they change plans without checking first with you...

Is it a possibility that she will exaggerate in buying plants for her house, and forward you a receipt with a much higher dollar amount you would have had with the florist?

That she saw an opportunity to exploit your kindness?

[zachira]

No, I don't expect her to exploit my kindness by being extravagant.