Therapists with Experience Treating Survivors of BPD Relationships

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I hope everyone is hanging in there today.

As I've alluded to in some of my posts, I have been seeing a therapist before and after the breakup with my ex-pwBPD. I started seeing my T. after my first discard because I was so confused and wounded, and because she had experience with DBT. She does seem to know a good bit about pwBPD, but it really doesn't seem like she has much experience or particularly valuable insight into treating those of us who have been in romantic relationships with pwBPD. I asked her the question about her experience point blank in our last session and she deftly avoided it. I also told her I wanted a treatment plan, and that's when she suggested EMDR (about which I inquired in another post). While that might be worth considering, it seemed like a a bit of cop out because I called her bluff.

I've found the people and information here and in a few books generally more validating and helpful than what she has offered. Those resources have been my lifeline.

Would any of you happen to know of any lists of therapists who are experienced / helpful in this regard? With telemedicine, it would not need to be local.

If not, are there types of specialization you would recommend seeking out in a therapist?

I'm sorry if this is too broad a request, but I feel like I've spent a lot of money on someone who listens to me (which is valuable) but isn't really helping me to move the needle much in terms of my knowledge and healing. Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations. Thank you for your thoughts.

[drumdog4M]

I hope everyone is hanging in there today.

As I've alluded to in some of my posts, I have been seeing a therapist before and after the breakup with my ex-pwBPD. I started seeing my T. after my first discard because I was so confused and wounded, and because she had experience with DBT. She does seem to know a good bit about pwBPD, but it really doesn't seem like she has much experience or particularly valuable insight into treating those of us who have been in romantic relationships with pwBPD. I asked her the question about her experience point blank in our last session and she deftly avoided it. I also told her I wanted a treatment plan, and that's when she suggested EMDR (about which I inquired in another post). While that might be worth considering, it seemed like a a bit of cop out because I called her bluff.

I've found the people and information here and in a few books generally more validating and helpful than what she has offered. Those resources have been my lifeline.

Would any of you happen to know of any lists of therapists who are experienced / helpful in this regard? With telemedicine, it would not need to be local.

If not, are there types of specialization you would recommend seeking out in a therapist?

I'm sorry if this is too broad a request, but I feel like I've spent a lot of money on someone who listens to me (which is valuable) but isn't really helping me to move the needle much in terms of my knowledge and healing. Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations. Thank you for your thoughts.

[I Am Redeemed]

This might be too narrow of a niche. If you don't feel this therapist is a good fit, try looking for one who specializes in complex trauma or domestic violence recovery. Don't pick a therapist who claims to have a broad scope of issues they treat.

Do you have FOO (family of origin) issues with any dysfunction that might be similar to bpd? A therapist specializing in trauma and family systems should be acquainted with dysfunctional behavior in relationships and the effect that has, whether the dysfunction is specifically a personality disorder or something else.

Also, look for a therapist who validates your experience, doesn't try to minimize what you went through as "just relationship issues", works with you towards treatment goals, and doesn't just start throwing tools at you without addressing your experience or symptoms.

[Firsttimefather]

I work with a T who has a lot of experience with BPD. Survivors? I feel like maybe that’s difficult to assess as survivors of BPD seem to deal with their own trauma, codependency issues, PTSD and CPTSD. The BPD seems to have their own subset of issues to deal with and the non is not Suffering BPD. I’m wondering if what your search maybe should be for is dealing with your own specific issues(for lack of a better term) I myself cover my codependency, traumas, reasons why an abusive or toxic relationship seems to appeal to me. It helps but the best help I found is here on this site realizing I’m not alone and although I wish it to be my situation is not unique and the disorder is real.
 Best of luck to you and hope this makes sense. I’m in my own stop along the journey of my relationship so I worry maybe my feedback is not as objective as i would have hoped but felt like responding so…..try to smile and hang in there( to you and I both)

[drumdog4M]

Thank you both for your thoughts. I do not think my mother suffered from BPD, but she was very sensitive and I think trained me to play the role (as an only child of divorced parents) in helping her manage her emotions. So I was walking on eggshells for as long as I can remember. She was not abusive at all but would just fall apart. In addition, she was inconsistently physically and emotionally present. In sum, I am anxiously attached and basically trained to be a "caretaker" from an early age, and feel the need to rescue loved ones, particularly women.

So yes, I do have some FOO issues. I also think I experienced trauma and emotional abuse from my relationship with my ex-pwBPD, more than I realized. Being anxiously attached, some of the things she did had a pretty profound on me.

I hope that helps give you a better sense of my own issues. Honestly, communicating with you all is so valuable because you understand the relationship dynamics first hand. Perhaps I am expecting too much from my therapist. She did help me identify some of the issues at least. Thanks.

[LaRonge]

Hey Drum, we have very similar stories. My parents were separated for 7 years before reconciling for reasons I still don't understand. Before and since they had a dysfunction marriage. But my mom was very emotionally needy and prone to either adoration or withdrawal, and it conditioned me to be attracted to women who do the same, and to either bask in their adoration, or totally abandon my emotional needs to cater to them.

After the last discard, I also wanted more from my therapist in terms of understanding BPD and what had happened to me. She was helpful in that she really did believe my ex was BPD and possibly NPD, and she said that I would be best served not communicating with her (my therapist rarely gives direct advice like that). But I wanted more help dealing with the trauma of the discard and had to seek that out myself. I'm about 4-5 sessions into EMDR therapy, and so far so good, and have also spent a great deal of time here and on other sites learning as much as I can. I've found AJ Mahari's podcast to be helpful, and she also is available for remote sessions. Surviving BPD breakups is her speciality.

For me, the combination of therapy, EMDR, my own research, no contact, and a laser focus on improving my own life, has all helped a great deal.

[drumdog4M]

LaRonge,

That is really helpful advice. Our childhood experiences do seem quite similar. The adoration and withdrawal is consistent as well, either because she was focused on her own emotions, pursuing her own relationships, or working (as a therapist). I think our backgrounds probably made us very susceptible to falling into and remaining in relationships with our ex-pwBPD.

My therapist wasn't quite as direct as yours most of the time, but she did ask multiple times to consider why I would even want to try to remain friends with my ex. In our most recent session, she basically said while people with BPD deserve love, my ex is "really unwell and unlikely to get significantly better." And over time, instead of just saying "her behavior seemed consistent with borderline features", she would slip into just acknowledging that she had it. (My ex pwBPD actually was diagnosed at a very highly regarded medical center, though in fairness to her, some of her symptoms probably had remitted but return under stress. The ones that make having a stable relationship very difficult seem very much alive.)

I had posted previously about EMDR and am exploring that. Research and posting here has been incredibly beneficial and validating. I will check out AJ Mahari's podcasts. I believe I read an article by her that was helpful and extremely direct. I think part of my frustration with my therapist was the circuitous approach to everything rather than a more proactive plan. I'm already highly in touch with my emotions / feelings, perhaps too much so.

If there are any particular resources you read that you found helpful in your healing, please do share them. I know there are many resources on this site as well, much of which I've read. I'm currently reading "Stop Taking Care of the Borderline or Narcissist" and have found it to be helpful in better understanding my own role in the dysfunctional relationship and what attracted me to it in the first place. It sounds so cliche'd, but my ex was a lot like my mother in a lot of ways, albeit a much more amplified version of her. Wanting to rescue her and take care of her was my natural instinct. It's hard and sad to accept that your love is not enough to save someone or give them the kind life you wish they could have. I now understand that it was not my responsibility and was beyond my power, but it still makes me sad. Like all of us, I feel like I tried so hard.

Thank you so much, and I hope everyone is hanging in there.

[LaRonge]

It sounds so cliche'd, but my ex was a lot like my mother in a lot of ways, albeit a much more amplified version of her. Wanting to rescue her and take care of her was my natural instinct.

It's the same for me. Virtually every woman I've dated has had the characteristics of my mother, only enhanced. When they didn't, I found it strange and boring, and I became the one to add strain to the relationship. It has taken me many failed relationships and this brutal heartbreak to finally realize what I've been bringing to them.

In terms of resources, I read Heartbreak, by Florence Williams, which is a scientific journey through the heartbreak of her divorce. It's interested, but not super useful to the specific kind of heartbreak we're experiencing. Fear Less, by Dean Sluyter, was an incredibly useful book about using meditation to lesson anxiety and fear. I learned a lot of useful tools through that. AJ Mahari's podcast, as I mentioned, helped me during the day wandering around the city. It really drilled into me that this wasn't normal, that it wasn't my fault, that some of the behaviors were abusive, and that the only way to recovery was therapy, no contact, and working on myself. Joanna Nicola's writings on BDP were also invaluable. This woman gets a lot of flack, and she does come across as a bit unhinged, but Shari Shrieber's online coursebook on BPD, despite its grammatical errors and hyperbole, was useful to me in realizing that there are clear patterns to these relationships, as well as commonalities between the types of people (you and me) drawn to borderlines. She also reinforced the idea that this can be a profound learning experience if we want it to be. Finally, reddit's subthread bpdlovedones, and Quora at times, were also useful in understanding I'm not alone.

Aside from that, here are some things that helped me these last few months:

- force yourself to work and create even if you don’t want to
- fill your schedule up with plans and put them in the calendar on your phone so you can see things to look forward to. Eventually you’ll be so busy you’ll start appreciating time alone at home.
- I wrote a note on my phone with all the toxic behaviors and things I didn’t like about her and read it every day. I also put stick it notes on my fridge that said “It’s over. It’s not your fault. It will get better.”
- I joined a running group and started an acting class to keep busy and meet new people. It was painful but ultimately really beneficial. I started regaining my sense of worth as a human being. Running also helps me clear my mind.
- Drink less. Way less. Especially when you’re still depressed.
- Speaking of which, I’m on an anti depressant (Lexapro). It helps a lot.
- Reading. Reading is one thing that seems to shut off the part of my brain I use to ruminate on the breakup.
- EMDR therapy. Just started that along with talk therapy. Helps with anxiety and ruminations.
- Do whatever you can to sleep better. No alcohol or water within 3 hours before bed. I think of things I’m grateful for as I fall asleep. Meditate before bed.
- Meditate daily and focus on deep slow breathing when stressed.
- Lastly, just remember that you deserve better. The drinking, the raging, the splitting, the cheating, the rejection… no no no no no. You’ll eventually see her as the deeply damaged person she is. You would never be happy with her. It would be a lifetime of torture and heartbreak. Imagine having to go through this again and again and again…. No thanks.

Hope any of this helps!

 

[drumdog4M]

That's all very helpful. I'm going to print this and appreciate your putting the time into such a thoughtful response. Thank you, my friend.

[LaRonge]

Anytime!