Why do I care? Why do I ruminate?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

LnL, I find I am somewhat of a hermit. Never realized it until my teens because with a book one is never lonely. Hard lockdown in my late fifties I used to make myself go see family once a week because otherwise quite easily a couple of weeks could pass without me physically touching another person.

Was like you always very slow to catch up on abuse. 1. because of my childhood it took A LOT for me to even recognize as abuse and 2. prone to self doubt due to uNBPD mom's gaslighting.
Therefore ruminations. Find I have to ration social interactions to a level where I have time to process them inbetween. And accept that I no doubt will always be a bit slow around emotional intelligence. That's my authenticity   

[khibomsis]

LnL, I find I am somewhat of a hermit. Never realized it until my teens because with a book one is never lonely. Hard lockdown in my late fifties I used to make myself go see family once a week because otherwise quite easily a couple of weeks could pass without me physically touching another person.

Was like you always very slow to catch up on abuse. 1. because of my childhood it took A LOT for me to even recognize as abuse and 2. prone to self doubt due to uNBPD mom's gaslighting.
Therefore ruminations. Find I have to ration social interactions to a level where I have time to process them inbetween. And accept that I no doubt will always be a bit slow around emotional intelligence. That's my authenticity   

[Riv3rW0lf]

Is there such a thing as normal ruminating? If something really triggering happens, is it possible to ruminate and work through the momentary anger and then go on within a reasonable period of time?

I would think there is.


It's like the responses fight, flee and freeze. They are all healthy defenses mechanisms. But when you do too much as a child because the growing environment isn't safe, it becomes unhealthy.

I believe ruminating is the same. A good, normal coping mechanism, which in some cases can become very bad.

I do believe I do too much of it. But I can also see it really helped me separating emotionally from my mother too. So I wouldn't say it is always bad...

There is also good ruminating, imagining good things and positive thinking over and over again. It is ruminating, but positively... Too much positive can also become a bad thing over time...

Just some thoughts...

[Riv3rW0lf]

I seem to be repulsed by waif behaviors. This made it hard for me to show weakness or even feel it, and of course that meant feeling or expressing sadness to myself and others.

Yep...

My therapist keep asking me why I don't show my vulnerability to others. I told him : because this is not how one can survive in this world.

I hate being vulnerable. Yet I am, I build resentment over time because I keep it all bottled up.

But I chose a husband who hate a vulnerable wife too so .. I guess I trapped myself yet again into doing everything without daring asking for help...  The truth behind my relationship, which I thought was completely healthy and safe really hit me last week.

Yep, I will have to learn to show my depression, sadness and vulnerability. I just have absolutely no idea how. Especially since I find a lot of people are actually weak... My husband is weak emotionnally. He is NOT in control. At all.

As long as I can manage, I will... To the cost of my health though... I know it has to change but that's just where I am right now. Observing my life.

[Pale Shelter]

I was just thinking that rumination is pretty much the only defense we had left as children to regulate ourselves.. parents didn't listen, extinguished our anger, shamed us every time we tried to justify, to be ourselves...

Left alone, hurt children will cry. No one answered the cry. No point in crying anymore. They will hurt you if you show anger. What is left? Ruminating quietly... Dreaming of an alternate life where we could speak up. Practicing ...

If borderline behaviors led to us ruminating as children, then it is the only defense we built to survive. It stands to reason that we would keep doing it as adults when facing the same borderline behaviors in others.

this really resonated with me. It helped me stop being mad at myself for not being able to turn off the ruminating. I do it constantly. I almost cannot stop. I keep thinking if I were a better person I could just forgive. But I see it's a habit.