SheilaS
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 2
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« on: April 28, 2022, 10:58:52 AM » |
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I hope to find some comfort in reading about others' stories about their loved ones who have BPD.
My only daughter, 25, presented extreme and risky behavior the minute she hit puberty at 9 1/2. She always seemed aloof and distant as early as 3. Her pre-school teacher asked me if she had a hearing problem because unlike the other children, when asked to put away their projects, she would stay put as if she didn't hear. Her connection with other kids back then could be described as aggressive and aloof - she was stocky and very strong, and would hug all her friends just a little too exuberantly, enough that teachers and parents would speak to my husband & I about it. This over-exuberance lost her many friends and as a result, she spent many a lonely weekend without friends. She never seemed comfortable being by herself, never seemed able to entertain herself, and complained of loneliness often. Her cousins lived near by and we spent a lot of time with them, which seemed to make her very happy, but they eventually all moved away. Once in junior high, she seemed to have a small group of friends, mostly boys though, as she was still quite aggressive, and I think scared many of the girls off. In 8th grade she met an older girl with whom she talked to about the possibility that she was bi-sexual, and she presented this idea to me & my husband. I told her that at her age sexuality was very fluid. I bring this up because her status now is non-binary, and this is one of our core problems, that I don't understand her (I do and have been very accepting of her gfs). I know there were many fights between me and her and her dad, some were over the top, but we figured this was adolescence. By the time she was in high school however, these fights became more extreme, and she began to exhibit risky behavior with boys and I believe she began smoking weed and drinking then. When I say extreme, I mean over-the-top raging. We felt like we couldn't control her. I tried to take her to a number of therapists, starting when she was in grade school as I was sure she had ADHD, but she was a brilliant student with great grades so never got a diagnosis. When she began raging more as she got older, I took her to another therapist who asked her if she was using drugs. I was in the room with them since she was under 18, and answered 'yes'. When we got out of the meeting she began to rage at me like a wild animal, spewing words of abuse at me! This type of behavior has continued since then. She went to college and graduated with very good grades, but once she graduated she seemed to fall apart. My husband and I had divorced by then and she was living with me. I think she raged at me weekly, ripping me open with her toxic words. She had managed to save enough money to travel to Europe in late August, but when she returned penniless and without a job, the raging began again. In spring of 2020, she met a women whom she began a relationship with and by July had moved out ( caused by another raging episode where I demanded that she leave), she had secured an apartment and a decent job with benefits, and now had a partner whom she loved. All was good, until last fall when she moved into a new place and sued the company she was working for for harassment - she got a settlement from them of about $8k. Since then she seems to have "declined", unable to find work, talking about her ideas for her own business and she'd show us all, raging all the time at her partner then at me when I tried to give her advice. This January her father passed away suddenly and alone in his apartment, basically penniless and with extreme debt, so there was no "inheritance" for her, which hurt her deeply. She told me that parents have a generational financial obligation to their children, and she was furious there was no money for her. They never had the greatest relationship, and they had fought shortly before this happened, so his death was even more devastating to her because of this. She had told me a few years back that the only time she saw him was when she needed something and seemed to be very proud of herself for being able to manipulate him. Btw, he also had emotional issues and thought at one point he had BPD along with ADHD, but treated the ADHD with Adderall. I think he suffered from extreme anxiety, and Adderall didn't not seem like the right way to go. I should mention that his oldest sister was diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD. Since my daughter lost her job last fall she has hit me up for money almost every month. Not surprising, she would rage at me when I refused her. I had her on speaker phone one day when I was walking with a friend, who was appalled by the hateful words she heard from her, words she couldn't imagine ever saying to anyone! I had co-signed for her apartment, so felt a responsibility to help her out with her rent. She has hit me up every month since then for money, and now she says she isn't well and unable to work and is grieving her dad and she needs my support, which = $$$. The last time I gave her money I told her this is it, I'm at retirement age, and soon will have a fixed income. A few weeks ago, she asked if she could come home for a few days, she needed a break from her partner. I told her she's welcome to stay as long as she needs but that I work from home so she needs to respect my need for quiet. As soon as she arrived, she began a long diatribe about all the people in her life who have treated her badly, including her aunts and uncles and cousins, and many of her father's friends who had reached out to help her. She saw this as them all in cahoots and trying to take away her father's things or make her feel bad or make themselves feel good - none of this was true of course. She had several rages at me, accusing me of not hearing her, and at one point she became very aggressive with me, enough that I felt a little scared that she might hurt me. I demanded that she leave, which she did but without spewing more hateful words at me. I told her I couldn't give her money anymore and she was not allowed to come to my home. I didn't hear from her, but I'll tell you what - I predicted that by the end of the month I would, and sure enough, she called to "apologize". I told her I wasn't ready to talk, that her last visit was too upsetting. She began texting me little chatty things, and said she'd send an apology via email. But then her texts soon were filled with money worries, so I reminded her that I wasn't going to give her money anymore, that she needed to get her life together. She began texting me how she wasn't well, how she was grieving, how living with me had caused her "trauma" and that she was trying to deal with this, that I was a terrible mother and never should have had kids, etc., and this went on for perhaps an hour, at least, then she begged me to call her, several times. The end story is that she eventually wrote me maybe the most hurtful, hateful text, telling me I was better off dead, that the world be better without me. It was shocking how cruel it was! I suggested to her at one point in our texting when she wrote that she wasn't well and that I caused her dysfunction, that she might consider that it was genetic, that her aunt was diagnosed with several personality disorders and maybe exploring this route might be a better course than ADHD (she managed to obtain more Vyvanse)...I offered to cover her rent for a few months if she agreed to get help, which I would pay for, that I was really worried about her. I haven't heard from her since. I'm sure this story is all too familiar to many of you. I have an appt. with my therapist this afternoon to take care of me, but what about her? I'm sick with worry...I see that she's unable to take care of herself!
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