Please help

[stargazer95]

Hi all,

Please help me. I have been in no contact with my mom who has undiagnosed-BPD for the last four years. After a long time, I decided to eventually reach out and we are meeting her and my-step dad tomorrow for lunch. I have two young children who havent seen their grandparents in a long time.

I am nervous, my heart is pounding. I know I have made a lot of progress, I know the importance of setting boundaries, not getting entangled in her abusive web. BUT I am still having these physical sensations. Send me your encouraging suggestions and ideas :D


Thanks team!

[WalkbyFaith]

Wow! Getting together in person after 4 years no contact is huge! I don't blame you for feeling anxious about it. That being said, if this is what you feel is the next right step for you, I think it's great you are taking this brave step. Do you have anyone going with you besides your children, who can help be a support for you? I would say to have some boundaries in mind before you go, such as if she starts on X topic, we change the subject, or if she does X, we are leaving.

I truly hope it goes well for you and can be the beginning of a more healthy stage of your relationship!

[Mommydoc]

Wishing you luck stargazer95. Your feelings and physical sensations are completely normal. I have similar sensations when I going to see my sibling with uBPD.  I am curious what prompted you to reach out, is it for your children? I am hoping you are going to a public place.I It would be great to have another adult around.  Probably try to keep it light, friendly and don’t try to tackle any tough topics. If a relationship with your children is important to your mom, then my hope is she will be on good behavior. My upwBPD is very different in public versus 1:1, so the more people around the easier it is.

I define success dIfferently these days. Anything that ends civilly, without a melt down is positive. There will always be negative and manipulative comments. It will be about her and her emotions. Just don’t engage/react, redirect/reframe and exit if and when you need to. “ The kids are … tired, hungry, have an event, etc” might help you easily exit. I try to schedule something fun for myself afterwards, so no matter how it goes, I can switch gears and mentally focus on other things and don’t waste mental energy replaying the encounter. It can be draining, and being able to replenish afterwards helps keep you focused on yourself and your emotions.

Looking forward to hearing how it goes. It sounds like you are totally ready for this. Good luck!

[Turkish]

Wow. That's a huge milestone!

I have no doubt that you've grown a lot in order to emotionally deal with the NC as well as prepare.

I'd remember the basic principles: 1.16 | Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Hopefully, she'll focus on the reconnection rather than blaming. I wish you well, please keep us updated!

[Methuen]

My mom once painted me black after some perceived slight a number of years ago when she was  still physically independent. She ghosted me to try to hurt me.  It was an attempt to cut me off and isolate me out of  revenge.  I let her be and allowed an appropriate cooling off period.  I think she probably wanted me running after her and begging but I didn’t.  After the cooling off period and when I perceived a thaw might be possible,  I eventually reached out like you. We always have to be the one to do this, as they don’t.  We met in her favorite bistro for lunch.  She pretended the whole thing never happened.  She dry erased it, and she picked up right where she left off before she ghosted me. 

Your physical symptoms are not out of line.  It’s a learned fear and trepidation response I think.  Do you have any grounding exercises you do? 

I could  be wrong, but I put my money on there being a good chance your mom could do something similar - that is pretend everything is fine and dry erase the past, , especially with your children being there. 

On the other hand, if the worst were to happen and she starts to paint you black in  front of the kids, how would you respond? 

I like the idea of having another adult there for some insurance, especially after 4 years.  But you know the context and her the best. 

Still, I put my money on this first visit going well.  In my experience, after a big kerfuffle, there’s a period of improved behavior, until there isn’t, and then the  whole cycle repeats itself.

I’m curious, what inspired you to reach out after 4 years?

I hope it goes well for you.  Let us know.