Resetting my NC/LC timer...trying to break my addiction to contact

[Silverdash]

Ive started using the Iron Will app to track my progress not initiating contact with him. Im nearing the end of day 3 NC. Ive noticed this week that there is a pattern. If I dont make contact he sends me a recommendation of a movie/song/band/play/tv show/video/link to watch. A prompt to wngage with him. It works. I do open and respond. Then we have an exchange over several hours.

He is currently away on a romantic trip with his GF. He was even messaging me as they were boarding the plane. Knowing that he will be too busy to enagge with me this weekend so has helped me to not send him a message. I am hopeful about sticking to not being the needy friend always starting contact with him.

I have a feeling dunno why or how but I really think he may become engaged to the GF before they emigrate. I do wonder if she is aware of me or what she is told about me if any thing at all?

I do wonder what contact he will make in the next few days. I will update this post if he does. Thank you for the support, tips and education on bpdfamily xxx

[Silverdash]

One other observation: the times we do message he leaves my last msg unread that evening. I believe he does this so he has a reason to send me a message the next day. Handy excuse. This only started when I made the decision to go low contact and reduced the info I shared. Weird to notice.

[getfree]

One other observation: the times we do message he leaves my last msg unread that evening.

This might be so that he can "leave you hanging" and get your mind wandering about what he is doing

I am in a similar situation as my now ex was talking about reconcillation whilst lining up her next man. She told me she had used the fact of our reconcillation against him (probably to get him to commit very quickly) and I am fairly certain she has told him that I am blocked (I am some places but not all like WhatsApp etc).

I am doing a good job of LC and haven't contacted her in a few days but essentially I think we are both being "triangulated" by our respective pwBPD.

Perhaps it's worth committing to increasing the gap between communication with him and controlling when it suits you. At the moment it seems he contacts you when he feels like it and then disappears when he feels like it?

-getfree

[Silverdash]

Its so hard getfree. Im aldo being triangulated. I have also been told how much better I am than the current GF. He says Im more attractive, intelligent, better chemistry, more shared interests, meets more of his needs etc etc. When he first 'broke up' with me he went from telling me how amazing I am, making plans for our next date to (in the space of an hour or two) calling every thing off. Offering friendship feels like a screw he gets to twist when he pleases.

BUT I have a primary SO. I think I have figured out what may have triggered the 'break up'. FYI he doesnt see it as a break up he named it a "change in dynamics". One evening he was talking about the poly lifestyle and how stable it made him feel. I observed that may be the sense of stability came from him knowing he can never truly lose some one if they are not solely his to begin with (mentioned my SO). I also pointed out how some people view others as belongings, and how that is unhealthy too. This and the fact I could not give him ALL of my free time, but new GF could. That all led to the change in our rs.

I do think he uses my presence to force his GF to show her love to him more. For her to express how much she wants him in her life. I fear I am being used to meet some of his needs the GF does not meet for him.

In many ways I feel lucky that I have a SO to lessen the pain a little. The intensity of what I had with my ex has knocked me out. I dont think I would survive this if he had been the only person in my life at the time. Even now I ache for him

All the times he told me about his crazy exes...Id say now he talks to his GF or some others about me that way

I dont know if you feel the same, but its so weird wishing I had never met him to then wishing I had never lost him. My heart keeps causing my head to change its mind...

Im holding firm on not sending the 1st msg.

[nerves]

Just checking in to say keep holding firm!

[getfree]

In many ways I feel lucky that I have a SO to lessen the pain a little. The intensity of what I had with my ex has knocked me out. I dont think I would survive this if he had been the only person in my life at the time. Even now I ache for him

This is interesting, do you think that he might be doing the same vis-a-vis you? It sounds like there are actually two interconnected triangles - not a judgment just something for you to think about.

At the moment my ruminations are what I could have done differently before to make the relationship survive or points where she offered to get back and I didn't declined.

However, I need to remember that the "charm" that I resisted was based on the promise that she would seek therapy. She managed that for about 6 weeks before getting onto dating apps and finding someone else, which sort of proves that her "I'll get help" was wishful thinking rather than a real commitment.

-getfree

[Silverdash]

No judgement taken I dont think me and my primary SO are triangulating one another. We practice ethical non monogamy within the poly lifestyle. Its something we have worked together on and apart from the other in a respectful way. For us the poly lifestyle has been enriching and positive. Its not for every one and thats okay. I see mono and poly as being different preferences BUT neither is better than the other.

The rs with the bpd ex is the 1st time my co-dep was retriggered (sumthing I worked on a long time back). My SO chose not to meet the bpd ex from the start - this is his norm preference. My SO thinks the bpd ex has used me and is not happy with bpd ex's behavior. Like moat here have experienced, my SO does not fully understand bpd and how that affects the person who has been in a rs with pwBpD. He doesnt understand the pull I have felt. He did spot the lovebombing and red-flagged it!


My bpd ex is in treatment a long time, some times he says he doesnt have it any more.

No matter what you or I would have done, it seems like the bpd brain will find some thing to justify the rs ending on their terms. They fear us ending it, so they pull the trigger 1st. Yes their "charm" is beguiling, you did well to resist. Unfortunately for me, due to poly, he had the GF already solid before pulling my plug. I think he is keeping me on the back burner...which is not nice behavior. I oscillate between looking forward to rejecting a recycle/pull and wanting him. Oh its messed up!

@nerves I go through a few hours each AM and PM when I am counting down the time to not msg him...trying to wait untill an hour passes. Its so hard. My heart literally aches...for what though? He didnt mean what he said. His actions did not match what he claimed. TF I am free. We need to keep reminding ourselves we are free. Freedom is scary at times but worth it.

[Silverdash]

I had to reset the timer again. He sent me a msg. It became a chat. Again more details about the GF and how amazing the rs is. I ended up telling him I would be reducing contact with him. I said I joped his rs works out and that I want to have no input into it. I reminded him he made the change to our ra and the kindest thing I could do as his friend is to not be a potential cause of stress/jealousy. To give his rs the best chance I needed to remove me from the equation. All he wanted was reassurance we're still friends. I said Yes. But would not be putting any effort in to continuing it. I want his rs with the GF to stand on its own feet without me in the back ground. His final reply, after saying he felt sad but appreciated my POV and thanked me, was:

"Anyways, best of luck with everything and we'll cut down the communication and take a step back "

I dont think he gets it. I dont know what Im doing by putting this boundary in place. It feels like Im hurting my self too 

[Silverdash]

It feels like confirmation that he doesnt care

[DazzleD]

I’ve been 28 days NC after threats to call the Police on me. Almost 7 weeks since the discard. All I did was reach out to say I missed her and hoped we could talk. I want to reach out daily and sent a message today foolishly but found that I’m blocked. Probably a good thing really considering the threat of Police but a part of me desperately wants contact again. It’s hard man really hard.

[Silverdash]

@dazzleD it is soo hard! Im sorry youre gping through that, it sounds rough! A good reminder for me of how things could go. I'm laying here realizing I have chosen NC...but my heart doesnt want it. I keep having to remind my self that he probably only wanted me for supply. He didnt act like a friend. He asks very little about my personal life. Its like Im his freebie therapist with zero qualifications and zero reciprocity.

[DazzleD]

@silverdash, I feel the same especially seeing as the recycles, some of which I instigated through contact, came at a time of crisis for my ex. I think that everyone in her life is viewed as supply to her, even her own two daughters but she’s a master at making you think otherwise especially when she’s love bombing. She’s so good I couldn’t even see the devaluation of me in play until it was too late. Someone mentioned to me that it takes time for our logic to catch up with our emotions and I definitely think that’s the case with me. I can clearly see all the red flags but that still doesn’t deter that painful desire & want to be in contact with her in some way but that’s heartbreak though isn’t it which is all the worse when it’s heartbreak as a result of a cruel discard.

[Silverdash]

Yeah I did it again and sent another msg. I feel sick now as he has been online but left my msg unopened. I am annoyed i created this sitch!

[getfree]

Silverdash - it's hard, no doubt we get a dopamine hit from communicating with them and we need to re-wire our brains to not get the rush or hit.

I have found that when I feel the need to contact my ex I do something else "mindful" or listen to music and decide if I want to 5 minutes later. At the moment the answer is "no" but I am only a few days in.

-getfree