The psychological beatings will continue until moral improves : Þ

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  Identified what is REALLY going on in my relationship with my wife (whom I am living with and co-parenting with), and my wife's relationship with our children

  Sought/seeking help via therapy ... continuing to educate myself

  Attempted to leave BPD information laying around the house, in hopes she will read and have a light bulb moment ... of course that backfired and blew up in my face

  Finally became aware of fact that what I actually have been experiencing for many years essentially is mental/psychological abuse ... once the blinders came off, really started connecting the dots.

  Shared BPD information and my diagnostic suspicions with our 3 teenage children ... surprised to find out they were also "relieved" to be able to identify the WHY of what they have experienced all their lives

  BPD behavior and mechanisms start escalating and things start spiraling out of control

  Made decision to do something about our situation, but unsure of what/how

  Wife has meltdown (I admittedly did do something foolish to trigger it) goes in panic mode, convinced I am manipulating our children and trying to turn them against her.  Calls my parents and my oldest best friend/his wife, tells them I am using drugs, acting crazy and traumatizing the children by manipulating them to turn on her.
Friends come up to visit from an hour away, with nothing but good intentions.  Main concern of them is to make sure our children are not dragged into our marriage issues, so have a pow wow (them, my wife, myself).  Basically 3 hours of character assassination, discrediting/dismissing my claims, opinions, feelings, etc.  At conclusion, I agree to see a couples/non-couples therapist with her to address our destroyed trust in one another, and to help us try to be able to co-habitate/co-parent without further ruining our kids childhood.  My insistence that I need to NOT be in the same home as her because I feel unsafe are ignored and if I say no, will look like the crazy/manipulative one.  Who knows how far she will go w gaslighting/manipulation to "protect herself", especially after just mirroring my exact claims to the other support system I have.

   Things are "back to normal", 2 days later (today), essentially nothing has changed and still have no idea what to do next.

 ... advice/suggestions are welcomed 

[UDownW_BPD_YYKM]

  Identified what is REALLY going on in my relationship with my wife (whom I am living with and co-parenting with), and my wife's relationship with our children

  Sought/seeking help via therapy ... continuing to educate myself

  Attempted to leave BPD information laying around the house, in hopes she will read and have a light bulb moment ... of course that backfired and blew up in my face

  Finally became aware of fact that what I actually have been experiencing for many years essentially is mental/psychological abuse ... once the blinders came off, really started connecting the dots.

  Shared BPD information and my diagnostic suspicions with our 3 teenage children ... surprised to find out they were also "relieved" to be able to identify the WHY of what they have experienced all their lives

  BPD behavior and mechanisms start escalating and things start spiraling out of control

  Made decision to do something about our situation, but unsure of what/how

  Wife has meltdown (I admittedly did do something foolish to trigger it) goes in panic mode, convinced I am manipulating our children and trying to turn them against her.  Calls my parents and my oldest best friend/his wife, tells them I am using drugs, acting crazy and traumatizing the children by manipulating them to turn on her.
Friends come up to visit from an hour away, with nothing but good intentions.  Main concern of them is to make sure our children are not dragged into our marriage issues, so have a pow wow (them, my wife, myself).  Basically 3 hours of character assassination, discrediting/dismissing my claims, opinions, feelings, etc.  At conclusion, I agree to see a couples/non-couples therapist with her to address our destroyed trust in one another, and to help us try to be able to co-habitate/co-parent without further ruining our kids childhood.  My insistence that I need to NOT be in the same home as her because I feel unsafe are ignored and if I say no, will look like the crazy/manipulative one.  Who knows how far she will go w gaslighting/manipulation to "protect herself", especially after just mirroring my exact claims to the other support system I have.

   Things are "back to normal", 2 days later (today), essentially nothing has changed and still have no idea what to do next.

 ... advice/suggestions are welcomed 

[GaGrl]

Couples therapy with a BPD partner rarely produces the desired results.

Can you participate in couples therapy while having individual therapy to help gain clarity on your marriage and family situation?

What about the teens -- are they in therapy?

[BigOof]

UDownW_BPD_YYKM, you're doing better than most people here. You should be proud of yourself! But the pattern is the same. Blame, alienation, rampaging, ineffective therapy, false accusations, and you're getting abused in the process.

What state would you like to end up in? Please note, pwBPD is unlikely to change.

[ForeverDad]

You can agree to couples therapy but be forewarned it can easily devolve into a Blamefest.  The therapist would need to be capable and experienced enough to keep control of sessions — and know when to declare sessions have failed.  After all, if the marriage is dysfunctional and both spouses do not each address their issues, then the marriage will continue failing.  As the others noted, recovery is not impossible but it is a very tall order for the acting-out disordered person to let go the Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

It reminds me of a quote from a book written over 35 years ago, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.

We encourage new members not to share "BPD" news with a spouse, it seldom goes well, as you found out.  But what's done is done.  Move forward.

Just a heads up... if you do decide on divorce, be aware that courts and the professionals dealing with the courts seem to studiously avoid mentioning anything about mental health diagnoses or conjectures.  The court pattern is to deal with evidence, documented poor behaviors that impact custody and parenting.  We do better by following that pattern.