Hello and advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am currently co-parenting with my wife who I suspect has BPD, albeit high functioning enough to hold down a good job.  The courtship and early marriage was good, she was fun and affable.  The issues started when we adopted two kids.  Though part of the root of the problem probably started when we had several miscarriages.  That may have started the cycle of shame for her, though she seemed fine for the year or so we were going through the adoption process.  As with many adopted kids, our kids came with some emotional baggage.  My wife has a very narrow view on what she expects out of family and when the kids didn't comply it threw her for a loop.  She drinks on average about once a week, mostly on the weekends, and when she does she either spends hours in bed or starts berating the kids for hours over something very minor.  On occasion I will take the kids out to avoid their Mom.  She has called the kids lazy, liar, B****, evil, soulless, though fortunately that kind of name calling has improved the past year or two.  I usually try to redirect her so she attacks me instead, or I remove myself and the kids from the house.  She spends little quality time with the kids even though I try to give her every opportunity to do so.  I do pretty much everything for the kids, doctor's appts, therapists, schools, orthodontist, activities, paperwork, playdates, sleepovers, etc.  I also do the house and car maintenance, dishes, work full time and I help with the laundry and cooking and I do some yard work.  So in other words, I do little for myself.  I am seeing a therapist.  So that's my situation in a nutshell.

My question is, should I mention any of this to her siblings or spouses?  I feel like I am on good terms with them and they are nice people and it would be great if I could solicit some of their help with the kids.  On the other hand, would I just be putting them in the middle of the struggle?  I feel like my one brother-in-law is quite intelligent and understanding.  Just to give a little family background, my wife grew up with 5 siblings in a poor family, who were very old school in child rearing.  They attended a church that was somewhat cultish and insular.  I suspect that my wife may have ADHD and so her parents, seeing it as misbehavior, came down hard on her.  It would be nice to have some allies that could help out with an ear or with the kids, etc.  Any thoughts?  Thanks.

[j23]

I am currently co-parenting with my wife who I suspect has BPD, albeit high functioning enough to hold down a good job.  The courtship and early marriage was good, she was fun and affable.  The issues started when we adopted two kids.  Though part of the root of the problem probably started when we had several miscarriages.  That may have started the cycle of shame for her, though she seemed fine for the year or so we were going through the adoption process.  As with many adopted kids, our kids came with some emotional baggage.  My wife has a very narrow view on what she expects out of family and when the kids didn't comply it threw her for a loop.  She drinks on average about once a week, mostly on the weekends, and when she does she either spends hours in bed or starts berating the kids for hours over something very minor.  On occasion I will take the kids out to avoid their Mom.  She has called the kids lazy, liar, B****, evil, soulless, though fortunately that kind of name calling has improved the past year or two.  I usually try to redirect her so she attacks me instead, or I remove myself and the kids from the house.  She spends little quality time with the kids even though I try to give her every opportunity to do so.  I do pretty much everything for the kids, doctor's appts, therapists, schools, orthodontist, activities, paperwork, playdates, sleepovers, etc.  I also do the house and car maintenance, dishes, work full time and I help with the laundry and cooking and I do some yard work.  So in other words, I do little for myself.  I am seeing a therapist.  So that's my situation in a nutshell.

My question is, should I mention any of this to her siblings or spouses?  I feel like I am on good terms with them and they are nice people and it would be great if I could solicit some of their help with the kids.  On the other hand, would I just be putting them in the middle of the struggle?  I feel like my one brother-in-law is quite intelligent and understanding.  Just to give a little family background, my wife grew up with 5 siblings in a poor family, who were very old school in child rearing.  They attended a church that was somewhat cultish and insular.  I suspect that my wife may have ADHD and so her parents, seeing it as misbehavior, came down hard on her.  It would be nice to have some allies that could help out with an ear or with the kids, etc.  Any thoughts?  Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

Here's what I've often advocated when questions of local support arise.

Lawyers can provide local legal support.  Schools, doctors, therapists and other professionals can provide local medical and mental health support, for both you and the children.

As for other support it is best to be a bit cautious, or at least start cautiously.  Your family, your trusted friends, maybe other trusted people are likely okay.  Sort of the verify before trusting approach.  However, be very cautious with mutual friends or her relatives, etc, since their loyalties may default to her (as in "blood vs water" connections) or switch sides when they are pressured.

This is not to say her in-law (or siblings) can't be trusted, but do be cautious.  If you feel you can share a little, then start small before divulging more.  Then allow a test of time to determine how trustworthy (or leaky) that ship is.

The reality is that many of us, but not all of course, just couldn't get good results because so often either they sided with their family or tried to stay out of the conflict.

[j23]

Thanks.  Generally my instincts have been not to go there.  I think for now I will just keep it that way. 

Honestly, I think I should have divorced her years ago.  We have tried marriage counseling a few times, but I have had to keep the marriage counselor in the dark for the most part because my wife would just get defensive and quit if I say how things really are.  It's the fears that keep me from divorcing.

Fear of what would happen with the kids
Fear that my wife may not be able to cope (I still care about her)
Fear that we would lose our dream home
Fear of how my wife would react
Fear that I could lose custody of the kids
Fear of being alone

[livednlearned]

It's tough what you're going through -- parenting alone when there are two seemingly full-grown adults is perplexing to say the least.

I'm a big advocate of gathering information. If the word divorce comes to mind, then it's important to check your assumptions about what that means -- most of us have no real working knowledge of what's involved. And setting up a consultation with an attorney doesn't mean you are choosing to divorce. It just means you don't have enough information to make a decision.

How do the kids feels about their mom? How old are they?

How often do your in-laws spend time with you and the kids?

Chances are high that there are BPD behaviors in the extended family so it's probably wise to tread carefully. Families with BPD tend to have higher than usual triangulation dynamics because drama and conflict happening elsewhere provide temporary reprieve from dysfunctional roles that people are always trying to shift out of. And loyalty binds are often present. Those longstanding roles can precedence because they provide an easier way to sidestep other conflicts that might be brewing and people will almost always choose their immediate survival over yours in a dysfunctional family.

[j23]

Thanks for the reply.  Yes, I think I will consult with a divorce lawyer.  I will present what I would like to have after a divorce and see what the legal reality would be and see what the options would be if my wife reacted badly.

[Fian]

As for involving others, my thinking is to two fold:
Moral support for yourself - pick those that don't interact with your wife.  Having a friend that you can vent to is helpful, but the purpose here is to help yourself feel better, not to sabotage your wife's relationships.

Allies to assist you with changing your wife's behavior - This would not be for you to vent, but for you to have a targeted goal on confronting your wife and getting her to change her behavior.  If you can't visualize what you want to get out of this conversation with them, then it is probably best to not include them.  Even so, this is the more nuclear option with lots of ways it could go wrong.  A lot of thought would need to be put into involving them, and deciding who is most likely to be an effective ally over a saboteur that will just side with your wife against you.

[yeeter]

I am seeing a therapist. 

Does this therapist have good insight on personality disorders?

Unlikely that the lawyers do so their 'most likely' scenario might be overly optimistic.

Professionals will tell you they deal with difficult personalities all the time, but then are caught off guard when they encounter someone with a true disorder.

Early assessment of the degree of unreasonableness she is likely to put up, is key since it impacts how you approach your plan

Get a T that understands personality disorders, even if it takes some time.  You need it in the long run no matter what happens