SIL with suspected BPD dividing grandparents

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,
I'm new here! (But long overdue!) My husband's sister has shown characteristics of BPD since my husband and I started dating nearly 15 years ago. (jealousy, angry outbursts, needing to control, playing the victim). She essentially controls my husband's mother and has done this for years, using her children as threats "if you tell me I'm wrong, you can't see your grandkids", etc. She has alienating several other family members but my mother in law defends her and will never admit that she has a problem. My husband and I made the decision to distance ourselves from family gatherings years ago due to her angry and sometimes violent outbursts and the toxic environment. The issue now is my husband and I have 2 young children and my husband's parents are still so wrapped up with my SIL and trying to "keep the peace" and prevent her outbursts, that they're not able to spend much time with my husband and I or our young children. My in laws see my SIL and her kids (who are now teenagers) during the week and every weekend and I feel like our family and my kids are second-rate. My husband and I are very empathetic toward his mother and understand she is emotionally abused and codependent but it still hurts to feel rejected. We have had discussions with my MIL a few times over the years about my SIL needing to get help and how she enables her behavior and are thinking about having one more conversation about how this is impacting my in laws' relationship with my children now, before deciding to distance ourselves to prevent feeling so hurt. Any advice? Thanks for reading

[mama_katie]

Hi,
I'm new here! (But long overdue!) My husband's sister has shown characteristics of BPD since my husband and I started dating nearly 15 years ago. (jealousy, angry outbursts, needing to control, playing the victim). She essentially controls my husband's mother and has done this for years, using her children as threats "if you tell me I'm wrong, you can't see your grandkids", etc. She has alienating several other family members but my mother in law defends her and will never admit that she has a problem. My husband and I made the decision to distance ourselves from family gatherings years ago due to her angry and sometimes violent outbursts and the toxic environment. The issue now is my husband and I have 2 young children and my husband's parents are still so wrapped up with my SIL and trying to "keep the peace" and prevent her outbursts, that they're not able to spend much time with my husband and I or our young children. My in laws see my SIL and her kids (who are now teenagers) during the week and every weekend and I feel like our family and my kids are second-rate. My husband and I are very empathetic toward his mother and understand she is emotionally abused and codependent but it still hurts to feel rejected. We have had discussions with my MIL a few times over the years about my SIL needing to get help and how she enables her behavior and are thinking about having one more conversation about how this is impacting my in laws' relationship with my children now, before deciding to distance ourselves to prevent feeling so hurt. Any advice? Thanks for reading

[HappyChappy]

 :hi:Welcome to the board mama_katie. From what you say, this dynamic has been going on for a long while so may well have become stronger over time. I do appreciate how hard this must be for you and how it does appear unfair. But mothers are naturally protective of their children and often give the attention to those that appear to be struggling the most, could that be part of it all ? If so as your SIL teenaged children become older they may lose interest in their grandmother as your younger brood gains interest.

You also state you’ve spoken with your MIL about this before, hence repeating the process will probably get the same result as before. Maybe keep your SIL out of the equations and just speak to her about your wish for her to bond with your younger children ? Maybe time will heal the situation, as my teenage kids got older their interest switched from the adults in the house to it's internet speed. 

[Channing]

I am sorry you are in this difficult spot. I have a sister who behaves the way your SIL does and I understand how disruptive it is to family dynamics when people feel like they have to pander to one person to keep the peace. Can you arrange get togethers between your in-laws and your kids that do not include your SIL? Maybe choose an activity that you like but your SIL might not be interested in -- hiking?

It also sounds like your kids are a lot younger than their cousins so maybe arrange activities at a kiddy park or things geared toward younger kids?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome mama_katie, 

So glad you've joined our online family. HappyChappy and Channing have shared some of the same thoughts I had. I know it's painful, and frankly unfair to you and your children that they don't have the opportunity to bond with their grandparents,  especially when the reason is a pwBPD. Another thought I have is to ask if regular FaceTime via phone could be arranged, not on weekends, but perhaps on an evening when the cousins and s-in-l are not there, like a Sunday evening (when everyone else has gone home from Grandpa and Grandma's house) or before school or after? I'm not sure how old your children are.

Sounds like you'll need to get creative and thimk/operate outside the box for them to get to know Grandpa and Grandma.

 
Wools

[Mommydoc]

I completely agree with making the effort to set up separate time. I would make it about wanting the kids to have more time with their grandparents and don’t even mention the SIL.  I like the suggestions HappyChappy, Channing and Woolspinner 2000 have posted.

My MIL/SIL are very close, and she is definitely the favorite child /her children the favorite grandchildren. I don’t see a BPD dynamic in my MIL situation.  My husband and our kids still feel like second rate like you and a bit of an afterthought to my MIL, which makes me sad. It has caused some friction between the siblings but my kids seem to just accept it, so we have tried to accept it too. As she ages, in a way it is a blessing, as we have set boundaries around how much we are going to do/pay for as she is running out of money and push a lot back to the favorite child. BPD certainly complicates things in your situation.

I think in general, parents usually love their kids equally but for a variety of reasons, don’t have the same relationships with each of them. It sounds like your MIL is a good person but has a blind spot when it comes to her daughter, which is not unusual, particularly given the BPD. Like us, you will have to work to assure time and a relationship for your kids with her, but that sounds like it is worth the effort. Wishing you a positive outcome.

[mama_katie]

Thank you all for your input. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and leave such thoughtful responses. Its helpful just even to know that others understand the frustration.

We try our best to coordinate time with the grandparents and we really don’t see SIL at all. We have kind of grown accustomed to my In laws  essentially living 2 separate lives- one catering to my SIL (and being on constant standby,  attending all of her teenage children’s baseball games, dance recitals, etc) and the other spending time with my husband, kids and myself (much less often- and always planned by us). I try to remind myself my MIL is used to my SIL being “in charge” and making plans.

It’s frustrating because I know my MIL must know deep down there is a problem but I just don’t think she will/can ever admit it. It is like a constant huge elephant in the room, which is why I thought it may be a good idea for my husband and I to have one more discussion with my in laws kind of gently explaining  how them spending all of their time enabling my SIL despite her being 45 years old with grown kids, is now taking away from their relationship with their other grandkids (my kids).

My MIL is retiring this year and with my SIL’s daughter going off to college in a few months I fear this abandonment will be traumatic and will put more pressure on my MIL. I hate to see her live her retirement in the same misery.  It is impacting my husband and I as we do not have much of a relationship with my parents and we feel unsupported by his parents as well. (We don’t have high expectations- just thought they would want to be more involved than they are). It’s to the point where we are considering moving out of state (as we have wanted to but only stayed in state to be near family… backfire!) and are hoping to find a community where we feel more supported and our children have more support.

[Notwendy]

When there is a disordered family member, the whole family participates in dysfunctional dynamics as a way to keep balance. Co dependency can be as much a pull as the BPD behavior, even if it isn't as obviously disordered. Also, while parents love their kids equally, one child may be more needy than another, and actually need more of a parent. In this situation, your SIL may not be your MIL's primary concern. MIL may fear what could happen with the grandchildren if their BPD mother has less support. By being as involved as she is, she may actually helping them to have a more stable environment. Having grown up with a BPD mother, I know what she's like when dysregulated and I bet your MIL does too.

She spends less time with your family because she knows that you are all OK. This doesn't seem fair but her primary concern is that all the grandkids are OK and she knows your kids are fine.

This underestimates your grandkids' needs to have time with her, but she may already be stretched thin with her attention.

I understand the situation as our family is independent as well. It's a blessing but this also means that attention goes elsewhere. My father ( now deceased ) was not worried about me. He knew I could stand on my own two feet and while I am grateful for that, it didn't mean I didn't want his attention. But he was mostly focused on my mother whose needs were greater.

My H's family doesn't have BPD but MIL is co-dependent. We moved farther away than the other kids . There's some co-dependent dynamics going on- and also, those kids live closer, and they got more attention and also resources. We don't want material or financial resources  but it also became obvious that more went to the other grandkids than ours. I think at some level my H found it hurtful. It wasn't ever about material things- but just the fact that they got almost all of the attention. But we also realized we were farther away and know that my in laws adore the kids and my kids love them.

Ultimately, I don't think it has to be exactly the same. It's how the kids relate to them. My MIL would make the kids their favorite breakfast, treats, and spend time with them when we did visit. My kids don't feel slighted- but since we are at a distance, they also are not as aware of how much attention the other grandkids got. I think if family was the main reason you stayed but you would be happier somewhere else, I  think it's more important that you as a family feel happy and supported and thrive where you want to be.

[Mommydoc]

we feel unsupported by his parents as well. (We don’t have high expectations- just thought they would want to be more involved than they are). It’s to the point where we are considering moving out of state (as we have wanted to but only stayed in state to be near family… backfire!) and are hoping to find a community where we feel more supported and our children have more support.

If moving out of state, is what you and your husband want to do, then I think you should do it. Life is too short to put plans on hold and it sounds like you are excited about the possibilities. Like NotWendy, my kids recognize they don’t get same attention as their cousins, but it doesn’t seem to matter to them.  The situation with your SIL might not change but you are pursuing what is best for your family. Best of luck with your decision