Family Law Legal Advice

[Blueberry Cat]

Hello I had to leave my significant other when she started to become abusive. She tried to get me back with love bombing and I said no.
 
Then she filed restraining order against me with three counts of sexual abuse to her and three counts of child abuse to her children( I was a step dad ) All of these are false and came as a terrible  shock to me.   After I left,  the wife of the father of my ex’s children reached out to to tell me that she was so sorry this was happening. She knew I did not do the things my ex was saying I did and that she knows my ex has a borderline personality disorder. That was the first time I had heard about this.

We had recently bought a house together and I had only  been in there three weeks before she switched and after six weeks I had to leave.

I worked with my lawyers to try to buy her out of the house and have her drop the TRO. We got all the way to when she needed to sign the deal but she won’t do it and her lawyer dropped her.

 She then filed a civil suit to  gain control of the house and force a sale. In that suit she claimed sexual abuse against her and she did a petition sale on the house that I had bought 50-50 with her although she’d only put one ninth of the down payment in.

The house was sold and we settled the funds without going to court but she won’t give up the restraining order even though 2 lawyers have told her to drop it. Our lawyers had both been pushing out the hearing on the TRO because several times it seemed like we where close to a settlement. Now it’s clear that’s not an option.

I’m going to be going to family law court with her she’s trying to continue to get a restraining order against me although it’s been 10 months since she filed the TRO.

She has been acting highly  irrationally and continuing to make false claims.

I have never been in a relationship like this.  I’m 55 years old she was 41 years old..

I have a family lawyer but he doesn’t necessarily understand BPD.

My ex is on her third lawyer haven’t been through two very experienced lawyers who dropped her.

I am looking for any advice about going to court for a restraining order against a BPD person. Also, emotionally I am at a loss. I haven’t seen her in 10 month. Selling the house and not being in a relationship have changed my life drastically. The house that I sold to fund buying a house with her I had lived in for 20 years with my daughter after her mother died. I feel like I have lost everything.  As backwards as it sounds I find myself thinking I should have just stayed and made it work. Any advice, insight, shared experiences would be great. Thank you. 

[alterK]

Hi Blue and welcome! I suggest you look at books by Bill Eddy. He is a social worker turned lawyer and specializes in high-conflict separations involving people with personality disorders. He says all lawyers are not familiar with the problems that often arise in these situations, the kind of thing you sound like you're in the middle of. The books are all on Amazon, and the titles are pretty self-explanatory.

[BigOof]

Blueberry Cat, sorry to hear. This is very common for community members here. You're not alone. My blamer did the same.

Ask her to settle for bilateral civil restrainsts in a stipulation. Civil restrainsts are meaningless for a non.

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer essentially ignored my comments that my ex fit the Borderline PD category.  But over the years he called her crazy, F-ing nuts, a sociopath who could lie her way through a lie detector, etc.

As already noted here, not all lawyers can handle cases as extreme as ours.  Many are capable to fill out the forms and hold hands, but not the complex extreme cases.

Here's what my lawyer did when my ex filed a TPO against me.  He explained that even if I was able to counter every one of my ex's complaints, the judge could still grant her "protection" for up to 5 years.  He asked if I wanted to keep in contact with her, to which I of course said no.  So he recommended a simple strategy.  Reach an agreement for both of us to avoid each other for several months.  This avoided me being cast on paper as the bad guy and her as the victim needing protection.  A leveled playing field of sorts.  And the length was timed so it expired before the winter holidays.

A few months later I attended an annual religious service and she was on the other side, she left and filed for a TPO.  My lawyer recommended I let him settle for a few months (judge could order anything up to 5 years) since I didn't want to see her anyway, our young son would be excluded and lawyer made sure it was a type of settlement that she could NOT have extended.
- - -
Frankly, that's a big reason why we need lawyers, otherwise we'd get overwhelmed and entrapped by all the seemingly illogical gotchas in the legal system.  It's a judicial system, not a justice system.

[yeeter]

You can not 'reason' with an 'irrational' person.  Lawyers 'want' to, and have a responsibility to avoid court when possible.  But as you are learning it is not possible.  Conflict 'gives' her energy, so she will drag it out as long as is possible since the attention is like candy to her.

Quit agreeing to delays.  The only way around, is 'through'.  So find a lawyer willing to listen to you regarding this because YOU know better than the lawyer what you are dealing with (even though they will think they know).  Then have at it.  And resist the urge to be 'reasonable' (what every lawyer wants their client to be - but it makes you vulnerable)

Keep your appointments with your own T and maintain your support system to the max. 

It is like wrestling with a pig.  In the end, you both come out damaged, exhausted, and mud and $#%! all over you.  And the pig likes it...

[Bvcruiser]

Find a lawyer that understands about personality disorders. When dealing with borderliners, there is nothing too extreme for them to do in the courts. Once a good defense lawyer sees this, he will cut through the chase. I am not a lawyer, however I view this restraining as leverage being that it has been going on for months instead of an immediate need for safety.

[Blueberry Cat]

Thank you for your input - there are only  few lowers here in my town that do family law .
  My family lawyer is very methodical technical and calm.

He’s not considered one of the best family lawyers in town.

I hired him because he was part of my family law firm that had the trust for me and my daughter.

My exes initial lawyer who she filed the domestic violence restraining order on never settles was a very good aggressive trial lawyer friends with the judge and always wins he dropped her.

The next lawyer was an old gentleman lawyer who is very good in court knows everybody in town and he’s feared
because apparently he can peel people like an onion.

Now she has a lawyer who is possibly going to lose his license soon makes outlandish claims and doesn’t play by the rules.

My civil lawyer is sad that my ex and him together a dangerous because the legal system is not designed for people like them.

I’ve been very careful not to claim that she has a mental condition because as I understand it it’s just about defending myself against the allegations and if I say anything about her mental condition I’m liable to lose the case.

I’ve showed my lawyer some information about borderline personality disorder and he didn’t know anything about them.

My question is how can I tactfully give him some information and get him ready for he’s going  have to deal with because he’s never face this lady before?

She was a model and she’s an actress and she’s going to say anything to punish me and try to get this restraining order to stick because she knows it will be hot on my career.

Believe you are right it’s part of a smear campaign.

[yeeter]

Staying calm and unemotional is good.  Drawing firm boundaries based on what you know is the likely behavior is also good.

A good lawyer will respect your desire to 'stick to the facts'.  So consider what documentation you have that illustrates the difference between fact and fiction.

All these generalizations about lawyers being this or that is meaningless.  Mostly posturing as marketing for that lawyers business.  In court, being well prepared with documentation to counter any allegations is the most powerful.

Also keep in mind that both sides must disclose their positions BEFORE court.  So you will get a chance to learn 'what she wants' and what the differences are and the points of contention.  Then prepare for that.  At the same time you get to state what YOU want.

Lawyers sometimes paint an uncertain picture when in reality the court process is fairly straightforward.  Sure things can happen and be distorted, etc - so you have to be prepared.  But there is disclosure and pre-trial and expectation of attempts and mediation or conciliation before it gets to a trial.  At the end of the day, the entire process is designed to 'force' a separation/split/divorce when the parties can not agree on it.

You might prepare your lawyer with some scenarios.  Something like " she might claim xyz happened.  My position is that QRT happened and here is the evidence to show my position is the more accurate one". 

Create a list of these and go through them one by one with your lawyer.  Even if the exact ones do not happen, it paints a picture to your lawyer what to expect.

But again divorce is a process, often multi years with steps along the way designed to settle between parties and not use court resources.