Since cutting contact, I've been thinking a lot lately about who I really am, what I actually like/enjoy, what I want, and what really is "myself." People say things like, "do something that makes you feel like yourself" or "when do you feel most like yourself" and I really don't even know what that means. I find it hard to pinpoint what feeling like myself means. Likewise, I've never really known how to answer the question of what do you enjoy or what are your hobbies.
And when my therapist asked me a few weeks ago, "What's your favorite thing about yourself?" I couldn't come up with a single answer.
I'm uncertain whether any of this stems from my mother or my childhood, but I assume it does, at least partly. I think I learned a pattern of stifling or catering what I want to what I thought she would want (or approve). And honestly, I believe I've carried that pattern into my marriage. I still tend to treat my needs, desires, and opinions like they're less important than my husband's, or else just bury them inside until I feel resentful. I still defer to him to be the decision maker most of the time, and I still want him (like I wanted my mom) to tell me what to do when I'm struggling to make a choice. Basically, I still don't trust myself.
I wish there was a test or a formula or something to give a definitive answer to who you are and what you want!
Seriously though, have you all struggled with this too?
