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Author Topic: I´m so tired... from one board to another for years. Limits  (Read 748 times)
Hopes

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« on: May 12, 2022, 06:11:46 PM »

I,m so tired...It's just a sharing, at this moment where something breaks in me and it's time to accept that maybe it will always be like this. I would like to accept as much as it is so as not to suffer. However, I suffer. Every time there is a meeting and we return there is enjoyment and connection. Every time there is distance I try to connect with myself and accept that this is how things are with him. However, it's hard for me. I am suffering because deep down I would like it not to be as it is. And at the same time I know that it will always be so.

The last time I wrote was on the board wanting to finish forever and disassociate myself. However, he reconnected again, and little by little we began to relate to each other again, to be close friends, to have relationships... He re-entered my soul and my body, from which he never left since we met. Behaving like a dear friend, like a couple without naming it, once again being together, sharing. And one day a comment, an anger, a little criticism. an outburst Join. And reconnect with another woman. And I unable to set limits. To tell him how I feel every time. How to set limits when you have never set them? When you know deep down that you are reinforcing the idea that whatever happens can happen that I will always be there.

And little by little we meet again. And now suddenly the silences return and he stops answering. Just a few sentences. In an endless cycle. In a cycle where the nights of feeling disconnected, of not having that friend, partner, or whatever, so faithful when everything is fine. I'm tired of having to deal with the fact that the person I love the most, no matter how much I sometimes deny it, the person who listens to me, and listens, the one with whom I share, who is there for me, weeks and months, suddenly disappears. I'm tired of being certain that over and over again I'll be alone at times, the certainty that this love is intermittent love. The certainty that the security and stability he craves as much as I do will never be possible. There will always be instability. And I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

Do not ponder loving limits or of any kind. I agree and accept. I am too afraid of losing it. So I accept. I communicate with my actions and words that nothing happens with his silence, with his distance. I convey to him that I will always be here for him, I try to convey security. The security that I do not feel, because I know that he is not there and he will not always be for me, only sometimes. At other times his mind won't let him. Or is it his will? He is not diagnosed. Just that it fits in so many ways. He worries me. I want to continue supporting and loving him. Accepting him. However, I also want to take care of myself and not set limits. I just wait patiently for it to pass and come back to me. That's all. For years. In this intermittent and continuous cycle. With days of pain like today. And unforgettable days of joy, connection and stability.

Thank you for reading. Thanks for listening. Any word will be welcome. I wish you that you can find yourself safe, that there is calm and love in your life.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2022, 06:42:42 PM »

You’re offering him security, yet he offers you none? He has the freedom of pursuing other women, yet you don’t want to set limits? You accept his behavior because you are afraid of losing those times when he returns to you?

How do you envision the future considering the above?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Hopes

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« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2022, 07:20:36 PM »

¿Le estás ofreciendo seguridad, pero él no te ofrece ninguna? Él tiene la libertad de perseguir a otras mujeres, pero ¿no quieres establecer límites? ¿Aceptas su comportamiento porque tienes miedo de perder esos momentos en que regresa a ti? ¿Cómo visualiza el futuro teniendo en cuenta lo anterior? [/cita] Muchas gracias por la respuesta. Me hace reflexionar. "¿Le estás ofreciendo seguridad, pero él no te ofrece ninguna?" Cuando comencé a leer sobre el trastorno límite, me quedó claro que había que ofrecer validación y seguridad. Así que sí, en cierto modo le ofrezco la seguridad de que siempre estaré ahí para él, aunque también le he transmitido en alguna ocasión reciente que tendré que seguir adelante con mi vida, y tal vez conocer a otras personas. Al mismo tiempo, él sabe que lo amo. "Él tiene la libertad de perseguir a otras mujeres, pero ¿no quieres poner límites? ¿Aceptas su comportamiento porque temes perderte esos momentos cuando regrese a ti?" Sí, acepto su comportamiento por miedo a perderlo. No son varias mujeres. Creo que siempre es uno. Casi todo el tiempo en los últimos años ha estado conmigo, aunque en momentos de inestabilidad creo que vuelve a conectar con ella. No es que no quiera poner límites, por supuesto que lo haría, es que el miedo no me deja. El miedo a su inestabilidad. El miedo a lastimarlo. El miedo a perderlo. "¿Cómo visualizas el futuro teniendo en cuenta el pasado?" Esta es una gran pregunta y la aprecio mucho. Sé que si acepto todo, él no aprenderá, y tal vez eso también sería bueno para él. No sé. Supongo que a largo plazo lo que visualizo siempre será lo mismo que ahora... Y no es lo que quiero. Seguro. Aunque sé que lo hará. Incluso he pensado en conocer a otras personas en momentos de distancia y darme otra oportunidad. La oportunidad de una relación estable con la que siempre pueda sentirme segura, no solo en temporadas. Al mismo tiempo, lo amo y quiero estar allí para él. Pura contradicción. O la negación tal vez.

Also mention that in recent months we have gone from considering ourselves a couple, to after the last estrangement of a few months, when we reconnected, we already called each other friends, colleagues... He does not want to use the word couple, and I also chose that it was Better not be a couple of him. So we share a lot wanting to be just special friends, life partners. But deep down, my desire is to be a couple, although I know it will always be that way. He also tells me that he would like it, but that when we call ourselves a couple, everything goes wrong. Anyway...


Hace poco me transmitía que no hay nada mejor para él que estar conmigo. Y cuando desregula todo cambia.

« Last Edit: May 12, 2022, 07:34:19 PM by Hopes » Logged
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« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2022, 10:13:06 PM »

Think of it this way: if you are constantly validating, accepting, approving of him, what incentive does he have to treat your needs with care and concern?

You are teaching him that whatever he does you’re OK with.

If you were to train a child that way, or even a dog, how do you suppose it would turn out?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Hopes

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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2022, 01:58:07 AM »

Piénsalo de esta manera: si estás constantemente validándolo, aceptándolo, aprobándolo, ¿qué incentivo tiene para tratar tus necesidades con cuidado y preocupación? Le estás enseñando que cualquier cosa que haga estás de acuerdo. Si tuvieras que entrenar a un niño de esa manera, o incluso a un perro, ¿cómo crees que resultaría? [/cita]

Thank you very much for the message that for me is very clarifying again.

"Think of it this way: If you're constantly validating it, accepting it, approving it, what incentive does it have to treat your needs with care and concern?"

Honestly, the one who will always be able to count on me, I guess I have set myself up as his "caretaker" deep down, also because of my own dependency by not wanting to lose him, even if it's as colleagues or "special friends". He always gives me signs that he wants to be with me, but when he's disappointed in something... that's where the cycle begins.


"You're teaching him that whatever he does, you agree with.

If you were to train a child that way, or even a dog, how do you think it would turn out?"

I have made this reflection on the similarity with the education of a child on occasions. And I thank you very much for bringing it with your questions that are so clarifying for me. The answer is that you won't learn that way. Let's say that there is a lot of positive reinforcement when everything is good, and deep down I keep reinforcing when everything is not so good.
The only thing I do is lower the communications and adapt to his rhythm, giving him space with kindness. At the beginning years ago I was more insistent.

Now it's like, ok, that's fine how you feel, I'll be here as a friend.

I think that he is dealing with his own struggle and doing what he can, and that I can do nothing but wait and wait and get on with my life however I can, as my attention on him is clear. Sometimes, I feel like it's better this way, even though I want it. When we are together I change my mind again of course.

I have not communicated clearly so as not to deregulate him more, showing him that I am independent at the moment and his friend, as if his times of distance did not take them badly. It is evident that I do not take them well when I am here writing.
I feel that when he perceives me as needy it is worse. How can I set gentle boundaries without letting him down? And perhaps most importantly, without failing myself. I have read about it, although the theory is not the practice and that is where I get stuck.
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Kayteelouwho

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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2022, 02:56:39 AM »

Hi hope

We are all in the same boat on here in some ways and not in others,

Why don't you want to set limits/boundaries as they are there for you both?

It sounds like you validate his needs and are doing recycles.

Have you tried to read the tools page on messaging boards there are lessons to help us learn and how to improve our relationships.

I would suggest not trying to implement to many boundaries at once and it is keeping to them

example: I will listen to what you need but I'm asking you to speak and shout at me if you do I'm hanging up the phone and will call back in 2 hours and see how you are.

So my boundary would be the shouting and screaming at me he has the option to do it but can choose not to.. if he does I will put the phone down but will then speak to him later.

Write a list to your self what is causing you concern and hurting your feelings.

then start with one and stick to it. it sounds like a push and pull also that he wants love from you but could be pushing you away because of his fears to him his feelings is on a rollercoaster.

So what is it you would like to see from your relationship?

Is there a pattern of when he then goes silent?

Take care




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Kayteelouwho

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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2022, 03:00:38 AM »

There is also a difference is accepting him than the behaviours and treatment to you. You can still validate him but not agree with his actions.

Can you accept to be OK and independent  or is fear of losing him driving the acceptance in what he is doing?

what do you think?
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Hopes

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« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2022, 03:40:40 AM »

También hay una diferencia entre aceptarlo que los comportamientos y el trato para ti. Todavía puedes validarlo pero no estar de acuerdo con sus acciones. ¿Puedes aceptar estar bien e independiente o el miedo a perderlo está impulsando la aceptación en lo que está haciendo? ¿Qué te parece? [/cita]

I am moved by your willingness to write in this wonderful forum and it helps me to continue reflecting...

"There's also a difference between accepting his behaviors and his treatment of you. You can still validate him but not agree with his actions."

Yes, I understand what you say. I think he is not aware.

It is as if there was a "pact" that when he is like this, I know it, and I leave him alone.

I see clearly that the treatment towards me is not right. I do not agree with his actions. And at the same time, I accept it as it is. Although there is no total acceptance, because there is discomfort in me.

"Can you accept being okay and independent or is fear of losing him driving acceptance in what he's doing?

How about?"

It seems to me that you are correct. I've spent years trying to be well and independent when the distance occurs, but I don't feel free in those moments, but attentive to his next communications and many times even worried about him, if he will be okay, especially when there is suddenly silence.

It's like I'm an adult who sometimes is a child with a problem and I accept that this is how it is, that it can't be any other way, and I still love it the way it is.

However, I don't want to deceive myself and I know that it is the "fear of losing him" above all, what drives me to acceptance, as you rightly say.

And on the other hand, I know, because he has told me many times, that he wants stability with me, but then what happens happens. And I don't know how to help you and help me. I do what I can and I think he does too. I'm not sure if he could do anything else, and if there is will on his part or intentionality, or is it that he really can't because he's stuck in his own emotions, or is it time to be with the other one, or deep down It doesn't matter how I feel. What he told me a few weeks ago was that being with me was the most important thing in his life. And since it is also for me in some way, I guess that's why I'm still there, as a friend or whatever.

The fear, clearly, of losing him and also that he is not well, and of me not being well if he is not in my life in some way, it does not matter as a couple if he cannot be. There is in me a very strong motor to not want to fail him and help him. Dependency, sure, I suppose.

I think I accepted long ago that it can never be a normal relationship, although sometimes I get lost in that fantasy. Being here helps me realize that it will always be this way, no matter how much he hurts me.

Thanks for the messages. They help me to continue clarifying how not to perpetuate this cycle without more, help him, help me.
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Hopes

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« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2022, 03:59:18 AM »

"¿Por qué no quieres establecer límites / límites ya que están ahí para los dos?"

Creo que es porque no estoy bien si esto sigue así. Porque nunca le he transmitido que lo que hace y cómo lo hace no está bien.

"Si ha intentado leer la página de herramientas en los tableros de mensajes, hay lecciones que nos ayudarán a aprender y cómo mejorar nuestras relaciones".

Sugeriría no tratar de implementar demasiados límites a la vez y apegarse a ellos".

Iré a la pizarra y profundizaré en ella y la entenderé. Muchas gracias

"Escribe una lista para ti mismo de lo que te está causando preocupación y heriendo tus sentimientos. luego comience con uno y quédese con él. Suena como un empujón y tirón también que quiere amor de ti, pero podría estar alejándote debido a sus miedos hacia él, sus sentimientos están en una montaña rusa".

Lo haré. Lo que usted sugiere es muy útil para mí. Y creo que me dará algo de claridad.

" Entonces, ¿qué te gustaría ver de tu relación? ¿Hay un patrón para cuando se calla?"

I think what I would like to see is unreal. And it has to do with your second question. What I would like is for that pattern not to occur, but it does. There is a pattern. The silence or reduction of communication to a minimum lasts from days, weeks, a month and on one occasion several months. It is always a moment when there is something in which I express something to him, it can be a moment of stress, or that I express something that has bothered me, even if it is very small, about something that has happened at that moment, and he gets upset. I try to be conciliatory, although when the anger in him has already risen, I feel that there is little I can do, more than accept and wait for it to pass. Contact disappears or decreases a lot, and I think it coincides with the fact that he always reconnects with the same person. I show him that I'm just there. Then at some point he reconnects. This time he started approaching me very soon again. However, since I'm so tired, I wasn't very receptive to his comment that it meant meeting again. I guess it's my way of setting limits. Not being as receptive when it happens. And when I saw that he reduced the communication and I got closer writing to him calmly with humor and everyday things, it's as if he was already closed and he answered very briefly at first, and silence. This time I think he is not even angry, since he wrote me briefly. I think he does what he can. Sure, he wants to be happy. And I'm sure, maybe I'm wrong, that he's going to come back, the only thing is that I want to clarify myself now, what do I want in my life, to always be like this? Or choose to continue to support and love him, but implement the tools that are possible for what we have to be okay with. Do what we can.

 "Cuídate"

Gracias gracias. Paz y alegría para ti y para todos
« Last Edit: May 13, 2022, 04:19:08 AM by Hopes » Logged
Kayteelouwho

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« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2022, 05:13:02 AM »

So could you be feeling emotionally drained as to your reference of being very tired?

Realtionships are really hard to work at and get through even without the bpd side of things.

Try to see the pattern that occurs and find his triggers that sends him on a spiral. He would also get used to you accepting the behaviour because unintentionally you accept it happens.

Have you got any therapy for your self to help you build up and work through things?

He probably is very unaware, Have you encouraged him seeking help?

So I did it my self of being reassurances but that also at points back fired and at other points I didn't valid the right way because that would be wrong too then other times I would enable his actions so by an experience I was tidying and decluttering the bathroom and put all the shampoos etc in the cupboard, which to me is a normal usual thing to do to him he  thought I was hiding him, having other people over to cheat on and so on and he continued to think in a negative way. because he couldn't see a normal daily action just as it was.

3 days later after sarcasm and raging he then eventually told me what bothered him so then I continually made sure when I cleaned his bottles was there and then when I cleaned up I put his bottles away too.

It is very hard to see things clearly when we are in it at the time, so I write what I need to down and then try to learn from what i did wrong when I stopped trying to enable him and to start with that was really difficult because I was constantly worrying about his thought and views I didn't have any of my own anymore. I did find alot of helpful lessons and tools on here that has had a positive impact on things and how to navigate situations better but also see parts about my own personality and things I could work on my self and learn to manage better I came here when things got really rough in my realtionship.

Why do you think he does all that he can? so even with bpd. There emotionally at sort of like a child like level they don't grow in that area so encourage that not you carry it all on you as he will learn with boundaries he has actions and he can choose but at the same time you will feel better for having them in place.

Stop thinking about his needs of when he goes into it. think about you and what you want to?

I struggled with that but started to work through that aspect because it was affecting my health.

So you want to clarify things for yourself in what you want and need and that is a really good thing to do.

I stayed to work on my relationship and I am now trying to disengage from it as much as I love him and care he refuses to seek help and improve it so our relationship has broken down I still am a support for him but I know that I don't want a relationship like that anymore so my drive for that was my core values 1. I don't like violence or abusive behaviour 2. I like helping people and am quite social with friends family. I also think everyone should respect people as equals in all walks of life. he never really shared any of those values of mine.


So with my bpd partner he couldn't handle his emotions and then would project thise feelings onto me, So think of a child when they are having a tantrum but can't quite communicate the problem and resolve it themselves.

So why do you feel you would be ill without him?

also what makes you think it doesn't matter if your feelings get hurt?

Okay  next question, do you do thinks you enjoy and have fun not constantly worry for him? or yoga or things that would help with that?

there's a section on here on co dependency that might be beneficial to you.


When we love/care for someone we don't want then to fail  and support him of course because if it's a friendship or any other realtionship it's important but at the same time we can only ever encourage that person seeks help themselves as they are responsible for that but you can definitely encourage but you can't help him in reality.

Last question
Can you encourage without trying to make it all better? 












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