Graduation

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. I am having a hard time this week because my medical school graduation is this weekend. My BPD mom has not let me have a significant life event ever go smoothly. She always manages to make it about herself and disrupts the whole mood. This time is no different... She recently moved 5 hours from the house I grew up in to literally 5 minutes away from me. She left some things in storage and asked me to take the drive with her to get her things which I agreed to BUT then she asked me if I could go with her the day after my graduation. I told her that was inconvenient for me and if we could do it another day and that's when she split.

She was supposed to come to a graduation dinner that was set up by a group I am a part of where everyone's family and friends are invited and us graduates are presented with gifts and we give little speeches. She was so excited to attend 2 days prior but on the day of gave me 5 excuses as to why she could not attend. People's families literally traveled from other countries to be there and support their people and my mom lives 5 minutes away and could not be there for me. I have learned to accept a lot about my mom's diagnosis but things like this really hurt!
There is another event today that I invited her to but I am not even going to ask if she's going which she will probably get mad at me for later but I just cannot take the emotional toll of going through this with her again. I am so grateful that I am moving 5 hours away again because distance is the best thing for our relationship. I even volunteered to work on Christmas just to avoid her and have some peace during the holidays. I am still struggling with trying to be distantly there for her but not feeling guilty about keeping space between us.
I just want to enjoy such a significant milestone in my life without her ruining it with her negativity and mood swings. I am having a hard time balancing including her in my life but keeping her distant enough so she can't hurt me but it's hard!

[peytonismycat]

Hello everyone. I am having a hard time this week because my medical school graduation is this weekend. My BPD mom has not let me have a significant life event ever go smoothly. She always manages to make it about herself and disrupts the whole mood. This time is no different... She recently moved 5 hours from the house I grew up in to literally 5 minutes away from me. She left some things in storage and asked me to take the drive with her to get her things which I agreed to BUT then she asked me if I could go with her the day after my graduation. I told her that was inconvenient for me and if we could do it another day and that's when she split.

She was supposed to come to a graduation dinner that was set up by a group I am a part of where everyone's family and friends are invited and us graduates are presented with gifts and we give little speeches. She was so excited to attend 2 days prior but on the day of gave me 5 excuses as to why she could not attend. People's families literally traveled from other countries to be there and support their people and my mom lives 5 minutes away and could not be there for me. I have learned to accept a lot about my mom's diagnosis but things like this really hurt!
There is another event today that I invited her to but I am not even going to ask if she's going which she will probably get mad at me for later but I just cannot take the emotional toll of going through this with her again. I am so grateful that I am moving 5 hours away again because distance is the best thing for our relationship. I even volunteered to work on Christmas just to avoid her and have some peace during the holidays. I am still struggling with trying to be distantly there for her but not feeling guilty about keeping space between us.
I just want to enjoy such a significant milestone in my life without her ruining it with her negativity and mood swings. I am having a hard time balancing including her in my life but keeping her distant enough so she can't hurt me but it's hard!

[Notwendy]

Your post brought back memories of my own graduation where I spent part of the day crying in my room due to the drama while my classmates were celebrating with their families.

Congratulations on your graduation! This is a big accomplishment ! While you can not “uninvite” her to this one - plan something private for you a bit later. Once you have moved away you can keep some celebrating to yourself.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I learned early not to put any importance on events like this, my parents never cared. I didn't attend my own graduation... And I regret it. I let myself, with time, become so detached that I stopped seeing my own achievements, I stopped celebrating myself and my successes. And so : I want to recognize and validate your need to celebrate yourself with joy and peace of mind, it is very important and a great gift you are giving yourself, the gift of self validation and self care.

I don't have many advices to give here... But just wanted to remind you that nothing your mother does is because of you, you did not do anything wrong.

I read and can feel your pain, that your mother is not there to congratulate and celebrate with you, that she is using it to hurt you and make it about herself... it is unfair and you have every right to feel the way you feel. There is nothing wrong in wanting a bit of peace and a joyful celebration without her present, and chances area if you don't ask her if she will come, she won't go... And let her be angry... This one too shall pass. But your memory of a nice, peaceful day of self validation, will stay with you for years. Do whatever you need to to enjoy yourself for this special milestone in your life.

If she does end up going, I agree with Notwendy to find a time for yourself to truly celebrate and mark this achievement without her present.

You deserve to celebrate.

Congratulations

[zachira]

Congratulations! Perhaps you can enjoy spending some time with the nice families of the other graduates, and they will be proud of you too!

[livednlearned]

Congratulations on such a big accomplishment peytonismycat 

These big milestone events meant to be about celebration can really feel crushing to those of us who have disordered family members.

My family is disordered and then I married someone equally disordered. At my graduation my (now) ex managed to insert himself as a speaker because he worked at the university. My day of celebration became all about him. When he got up on stage he made a tone-deaf chauvinist joke that to this day still makes me cringe.

I know we can't be there with you in person, and there are no easy ways to avoid the disappointments that travel with our dysfunctional families. However, know that you are not alone, peytonismycat.

I guarantee you that someone else at your event has something similar happening with their families.

There will be many people in your life who love and adore and celebrate you. I have painstakingly created my chosen family and learned over the years how to create strong bonds with people who are meaningful to me.

You can do the same, and they will travel long distances to be with you in these big moments 

[Mommydoc]

Congratulations on medical school graduation! You have such great advice on this board. I would approach this in two ways.

First and foremost, focus on celebrating you. What does that look like? A trip, a special gift to self to celebrate yourself, a day of pampering? The road to medical school graduation is a long and hard one and just like your friends, you have earned a special celebration. Since your mom is unlikely to plan a meaningful celebration, define and plan something for yourself. When we allow ourselves to celebrate ourselves we get exactly what is most meaningful to us. Give yourself permission to celebrate you. (Kudos on the next day boundary also).

Second, let go of any expectations of your mom to support you. Maybe expect her to be self involved, self centered and to create drama. If you let go of positive (maybe unrealistic) expectations she can’t disappoint you. If she is just a little self centered,  shows up, but makes it about her self but no major drama, then it is a win. And if it is worst case scenario, you are mentally prepared. I am so sorry you don’t have the family support you deserve, but know we are all cheering you on this special day.

  guarantee you that someone else at your event has something similar happening with their families.

All families have some level of dysfunction, and milestone celebrations tend to surface and amplify dysfunction. It is often hard to see as there is a lot of “covering” that occurs. But my guess is that even within your close friend group someone is struggling with difficult family dynamics. You are not alone.

The best part of your situation is your planned move 5 hours away! You will be very busy with your post graduate residency training and building your next personal and professional chapter. That will make the needed boundaries a lot easier and is part of building the next part of your life away from her.

Congratulations Petoniscat!  Your future is bright. Do not let her ruin a very special day!