What Is the "Right" Thing to Provide Support to College-Student-Daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Warning: mentioning self-harm and suicidal ideation

First want to take a moment to thank this group for allowing me to join.

A little background:  18-year old daughter has BPD. Has been hospitalized several times from ages 14-17, primarily because of suicidal ideation with plans, and self-harm. Is on medication (sometimes lapses in taking it) and has a therapist with whom she has a good bond (sometimes misses appointments).  Has a medical marijuana card, and while I’m not crazy about the fact that she smokes, I can see that it helps. Received a scholarship to an Arts university about 2 hours from home, was able to get a single dorm and qualified to bring her cat. The university accepted an accommodations plan that accounts for times that she has difficulty completing her work, due to depression/other BPD symptoms. I think the school is a good fit.

She craves independence, so as hard as it was, I stepped back to let her manage her day to day life. I let her call me when she wanted to talk, I came to a show that she was a part of, when she invited me. I worried (a lot) of course, but kept that to myself, and didn’t want to have her feel pressured.

Freshman year ended last week, and we moved her out of her dorm.  My heart dropped, when I saw the state of her room. It looked like she stopped any cleaning/picking up all together and had stopped quite some time ago. Trash on the floor, wrappers, old cat food, piles of clothes, a layer of dust, old sticky food stains, and the bathroom was also in a state. She admitted to being “overwhelmed,” (said this to me as my husband and I were driving there, mentioned she needed help packing, I told her no problem, that's why we're on our way - she doesn't have to do it alone) so I was somewhat prepared for what I saw.

I hid my shock, and just came in her room upbeat and with no judgement or make-wrong. Gave her a big hug and started helping her pack, and began cleaning (she packed while I cleaned). Took a significant time to clean. Noticed new self-harm marks. Healed over, but a bunch of new ones. She had been over a year self-harm free.

Just received a text from her academic advisor that was meant for her (I guess they texted me by mistake), indicating that if she doesn’t submit a project by 5pm today, she’s in danger of failing a course. At the moment she’s sleeping...she went to a concert last night, and got in late.

These past few days with her home have been drama-fee. I know she’s glad to be home.

I’m a bundle of nerves...I don’t want to disturb the peace, yet I know things need to be discussed.

She can sometimes be very forthcoming with her struggles, sharing her state of mind, and her thoughts. Other times she can be very closed-off, angry at being approached, and no amount of concern, cajoling or rationalizing can get her to talk. I know she loves this school, she’s proud of her scholarship...and I don’t think it’s  matter of not being able to do the work ...but I think she foundering, and I know this is the ups and downs of BPD, that she’s experiencing.

I don't want to panic, yet I don't want to pretend that she didn't struggle. There were some great parts to the school year, a part time job in her field that she enjoyed, she "loves" her instructors, friendships were made...I don't want to think all is lost...but I'm greatly concerned. Would appreciate any thoughts or advice about going forward.

[Flora and Fauna]

Warning: mentioning self-harm and suicidal ideation

First want to take a moment to thank this group for allowing me to join.

A little background:  18-year old daughter has BPD. Has been hospitalized several times from ages 14-17, primarily because of suicidal ideation with plans, and self-harm. Is on medication (sometimes lapses in taking it) and has a therapist with whom she has a good bond (sometimes misses appointments).  Has a medical marijuana card, and while I’m not crazy about the fact that she smokes, I can see that it helps. Received a scholarship to an Arts university about 2 hours from home, was able to get a single dorm and qualified to bring her cat. The university accepted an accommodations plan that accounts for times that she has difficulty completing her work, due to depression/other BPD symptoms. I think the school is a good fit.

She craves independence, so as hard as it was, I stepped back to let her manage her day to day life. I let her call me when she wanted to talk, I came to a show that she was a part of, when she invited me. I worried (a lot) of course, but kept that to myself, and didn’t want to have her feel pressured.

Freshman year ended last week, and we moved her out of her dorm.  My heart dropped, when I saw the state of her room. It looked like she stopped any cleaning/picking up all together and had stopped quite some time ago. Trash on the floor, wrappers, old cat food, piles of clothes, a layer of dust, old sticky food stains, and the bathroom was also in a state. She admitted to being “overwhelmed,” (said this to me as my husband and I were driving there, mentioned she needed help packing, I told her no problem, that's why we're on our way - she doesn't have to do it alone) so I was somewhat prepared for what I saw.

I hid my shock, and just came in her room upbeat and with no judgement or make-wrong. Gave her a big hug and started helping her pack, and began cleaning (she packed while I cleaned). Took a significant time to clean. Noticed new self-harm marks. Healed over, but a bunch of new ones. She had been over a year self-harm free.

Just received a text from her academic advisor that was meant for her (I guess they texted me by mistake), indicating that if she doesn’t submit a project by 5pm today, she’s in danger of failing a course. At the moment she’s sleeping...she went to a concert last night, and got in late.

These past few days with her home have been drama-fee. I know she’s glad to be home.

I’m a bundle of nerves...I don’t want to disturb the peace, yet I know things need to be discussed.

She can sometimes be very forthcoming with her struggles, sharing her state of mind, and her thoughts. Other times she can be very closed-off, angry at being approached, and no amount of concern, cajoling or rationalizing can get her to talk. I know she loves this school, she’s proud of her scholarship...and I don’t think it’s  matter of not being able to do the work ...but I think she foundering, and I know this is the ups and downs of BPD, that she’s experiencing.

I don't want to panic, yet I don't want to pretend that she didn't struggle. There were some great parts to the school year, a part time job in her field that she enjoyed, she "loves" her instructors, friendships were made...I don't want to think all is lost...but I'm greatly concerned. Would appreciate any thoughts or advice about going forward.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Flora and Fauna 

So sorry, it's a tough situation. My DD struggled in the last 6 months of her degree and I contacted the university and spoke with the wellbeing team. They provided her with extensions to deliver various pieces of work, including her dissertation. My DD was in no state to make that call. They also gave her a mark for the dissertation interview she was unable to attend in person.

Perhaps let your DD know you received the text due to their error, and that you are willing if she agrees to call them to see if an extension is possible. Or would your DD like to call them and see if an extension is possible. I know it feels like the end of the world, and I hope the uni is accommodating.

Gentle steps forward.

WDx

[JLoCali9450]

re: Wendydarling's idea - if your daughter agrees, maybe the two of you call the university together? - If she agrees to let you "do the talking"?

Re: next year & dorm room - is there someone with the Univ (behavioral health/MH services) that can check her room every so often? Or can you visit periodically?

-JLo in Cali

[Flora and Fauna]

Thank you for your responses.  DD ended up calling her advisor, and also submitting the project, in time. Whew.  Meanwhile, I'm looking into a therapy center that appears to be located quite close to her university.  I'd like for her to establish a rapport with them...a place she could go to and be heard, when she's struggling.  Her school also has counseling, but I'm thinking a place that has experience with persons with BPD would be best.

She has a wonderful therapist and is fond of her, yet I'm thinking of additional support. I'd like to see what her therapist thinks about that, for the start up of the next school year. It would be great if I could find a support group for DD, but she doesn't have her car with her during the school year, so it would need to be a place that is not to difficult to commute to, to attend.   

[JLoCali9450]

Glad for you both that the situation had a good outcome!